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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
bluecali
♂ Member
Member # 35135
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cannon - good luck with the kids. It was what I feared most, and was nowhere near as bad as I'd feared. My only advice - and you're enough of a standup guy that you don't need it - is be big. No blaming or bashing. Answer "why" questions truthfully, but vaguely.


Me-BH
DDAY 12/1/11
Separated and uncertain

Posts: 398 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Elm Street
tfkeel
♂ New Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this time she didn't say it out of anger or to hurt me

No. She said it out of the same intent as saying she was serving the church and the homeless without mentioning that she's there on command of a court because she DUI.

She is a Pharisee. She wants to "paint" herself as somehow "justified" for having the affair. That somehow, this OM gave her something that you never did and that's why she cheated. It's a way of "blaming" this on you.

There are really two likely possibilities here.

If she is speaking the truth, then it is because of HER twisted sexuality which depends on sinful involvement to create the psychological component necessary for orgasm.

But the more likely thing is that she is simply a lying scumbag.

Basically, that's the definition of an adulterer, and of a pharisee.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 1:02 PM, February 14th (Thursday)]


Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys,
I need some help with a problem. I don't know if I'm alone here and/or need to see a sex counselor or what.

fWW and I had HB and everything was fine. About 2 monts ago, HB slowed down and became normal sex (not so much love making). We still have sex about 5 times a week, but I can't cum most nights.

I want to have sex, get an erection and we have good sex. She may cum one, two or three times, but nothing for me. Occasionally I can cum, but it's becoming a problem and the pressure of not cumming is getting to me.

fWW told me about two weeks ago, that she realized I wasn't cumming if we were face to face. That I was only cumming if I was behind her. Since then, it's gotten worse. When I do cum, it's normal.

Anyone else have this happen? What do I do about it? I'm pretty healthy and haven't changed any medications or anything. This is weird and starting to get to me. I do occasionally trigger or think of fWW/OM during sex, but i've done this since D-Day.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 2:46 PM, February 16th (Saturday)]


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you on any antidepressants?

Few years ago I was on Prozac and same thing happened to me. I could get it up and everything was normal...until it was time to finish. I just couldn't quite get there. And if I did it took forever. WW even thought it was taking too long. Changed meds and issue went away.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, No antidepressants. Nothing but Celebrex and Lipitor and that hasn't changed since a year before D-Day.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a good year in there at the beginning where I had to imagine my wife was Nicole Kidman. When I wanted to have sex, she was what was handy, but it took a long, long time before I can say I wanted to have sex with her, if you know what I mean.

My wife describes this as the "sex rag" period of our recovery, and was willing to hang on long enough for me to start to heal. She understood that after having treated me as her extra dildo for a couple of years, she could not push for more or make it a dealbreaker without...making it a dealbreaker. It was one of the things she did right -- understanding that sex would bind us together and trusting that I'd find my way out the darkness if she just kept showing up instead of getting all butt-hurt and growly "i dezerv respeck!" about it. She understood that it was part of the healing curve and chose not to make things worse by insisting I be all in after she'd spent so long being all out.

It took us a good 3+ years before sex was about the intimacy again and less like a sweaty contact sport. It takes time to be willing to be vulnerable again instead of just fucking somebody, and I think you do yourself a disservice if you try to rush it. Fact is, a recently-WW (where we define recently as within the last 12-18 months) doesn't deserve intimacy. Some people might get their backs up at that and talk about how we all deserve to be loved.

Fuck. That.

We all deserve the love we earn, and if you don't earn it, you don't deserve it. There's no ObamaLove program to go with your damned iPhone. You show yourself to be lovable and worthy of respect through the way you behave and the trust you're legitimately entitled to, and then we can talk about what people deserve.

Besides, you don't really want to get down in the mud with your BS and carp about what you deserve. You're gonna lose that argument 10 times out of 10 and English countryfolk are going to throw rotten vegetables at you to boot. You want to rebuild yourself? Stop the inner child bullshit about fundamental entitlements of being human, recognize that you're at the First Step on the AA ladder of relationships and get to growing the fuck up and earning your way into adult relationships. A healthy self-image starts with an honest inventory of who we are and what we've done. Everything else is adaptable from there, but if you start building on the 4th floor of your personality highrise, you're going to spend a ton of time wonderng why the roof keeps collapsing on top of your head.

So, yeah, at on your hash on the timeline, I wouldn't freak out about only being able to cum at her ass for now. She's sent the message to the world that an ass full of strange dudes' cum is how she values herself and what she has to offer in the arena of relationships. She's told you who she is -- take her at her word.

Then expect her to change, and you expect to change right along with her as she shows you she's capable and worthy of more. But in the meantime, don't fool yourself into thinking she's the marrying kind when she's been hell-bent on proving that she's a good time girl, KWIM?


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wincing,
Thanks for the colorful reply. I get it and fWW/I are working on it. I don't want to have to go to a sex therapist for this. Time and observation may be what fixes this problem for me.

Thanks again.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh. No, not like a pirate. More like as in I wish I could do a Vulcan mind meld with the newly betrayed men on this board.

Why are we generally so quick to defend our wayward wives? Why do we generally rush in R? Why oh why do we always (yes, always) seem to find ways to blame ourselves for her sucking on the posOM's wang?

Believe me, I get denial. But I more fully understand anger. As in Hulk-like anger. My first instinct is to go all Red-Coat on something that crosses my "seriously pisses me off" threshold. (Red Coat= We kill ten of yours for every one of our...)

What I don't get is why anger is not our first response to finding our wives are the town whores? Even a former WW from this site wondered why the hell we rush into R with such seriously defective people. BS fog she called it.

I know everyone heals their own way. But if I could prescribe a serious dose of pissed-offedness for those BHs that come proudly proclaiming we are in "R" only 5 days after Dday, well, I think their real healing would be accelerated.

C'est la vie, I guess...

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 6:32 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)]


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RS7,

Good stuff. Wouldn't it be great if we could of just skipped the denial, shock, bargaining, sobbing parts of this shit and just got straight to anger? Seriously, you're right. I wasted a good 10 months because it took my real anger get the process healing. I don't think we need a switch, we need a dial that we can turn to "anger" and put the volume at 11. But then again, every situation is unique, and it might not be fit for every situation. I'm sure there might be a man out there who R'd without getting angry, or the anger phase drove them away or was detrimental to the M. There's just a lot of anecdotal evidence that when we just say "fuck it" and are really willing to lose the marriage shit happens faster, whether it's R or D. And either way, neither path is wrong, you just get there faster. Skip the bullshit journey, get angry, and figure out the destination.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not know this anger of which you speak. Please elaborate.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep - two weeks until WW is gone, and I wonder why I waited this long. I can already feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. Just paid the lawyer his fee yesterday and we submitted the financial worksheets.

I just wish it wasn't at the expense of my kids, but she's gonna have to carry that burden - not me.

She's been pretty bad around the house. Not angry, just sad and crying. Has she taken to facbeook to mislead and get sympathy? Of course! I especially like when her BF called her out on it publicly too.

I'm at home with a sick kid, and she sends me this email today:

Anyway, I'm sorry that I cry in front of you. That's why I usually go
to bed early so I can cry and be alone. I'm just having a really hard
time saying goodbye. I walk through the house and I see things that
we bought together on special trips, or I think about memories that I
have living in the house. Moving is going to be hard. I'm just
grieving "us"....as expected. If I didn't still love you it would be
easy. Just bear with me a couple of more weeks and I'll be gone.

I"m still taking my meds every night so don't worry about that. I'm
just on edge right now.

Love you.


Me:
I know. It is hard. I think this is the worst part - it will strangely be easier in a couple of weeks.


WW:
you just seem to be breezing through it...I guess that means that I was right.


Me:
Right about what? I'm trying to stay positive for the kids

WW:

That this means nothing to you that's all. You've always shown zero
emotions unless it was anger over a football game. I don't know why I
expected to see some kind of emotion in this.

I just contacted Valic and I'm taking $5000 out of my retirement
account. It will be taxed at 30% but that's okay. It's cash and I
need money. I"m not sure how you were planning on paying the lawyer
but I can use some of that money to pay him.

There she is again, the poor little victim. She alternates between passive agressive anger, blameshifting, and depression - I've seen it a million times. I'm about to tell her that sending six pictures last weekend to PA1 and PA2 have eased the pain of losing her just a bit. Man...


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly of the men posting on this forum it seems very few rush into R. A lot wander aimlessly into a "Well everything's fucked anyway so may as well make the best of it til it gets worse" but I've only seen a handful of guys that really work hard at bullshitting themselves.

As for why... eh. Those reasons can range from love to finances to flipping a coin. I wouldn't immediately dismiss a decision to try an R as a foggy thought process. Pretending to R with a remorseless, cruel bitch still involved with the OM is absolutely deluded but a lot of guys just want to try to fix things.

It's not like the first thing you go for is the bulldozer every time you see something busted. Sometimes the scope and magnitude of the explosion takes time to register.

eta:

Cannon, IMO just don't respond to that shit. She sends you an "I'm opening up a little see how great I am" just to pull you in and kick you down. There's no winning there. Just don't engage.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 1:18 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have been one of those poor saps who would have declared myself in reconciliation right after dday if stbx had come back. Anger (with her anyways) wasn't my first response. Finding out what I was married to was a huge shock and denial took over for quite a while. I'm glad now that things turned out the way they did because if she had come back, I would have had to go through this with her again. I feel really sorry for some of the guys who rush back into a feeling of safety because they are almost certainly in for a rude awakening but I understand where they're coming from.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have been one of those poor saps who would have declared myself in reconciliation right after dday if stbx had come back. Anger (with her anyways) wasn't my first response. Finding out what I was married to was a huge shock and denial took over for quite a while. I'm glad now that things turned out the way they did because if she had come back, I would have had to go through this with her again. I feel really sorry for some of the guys who rush back into a feeling of safety because they are almost certainly in for a rude awakening but I understand where they're coming from.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course I should have let it slide, but we continued our email exchanges, and then she ended one with this:

If you had been emotionally available I wouldn't have gone searching

And there it is, boys. Three years later she still. Doesn't. Get. It.

Just further reminded me how deluded she is and how she will never change. Made me feel better about my choice all over again.


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, this is a bit of a t/j, I guess. Does anyone else get really, really mad at the idea that some guy is walking around probably feeling puffed-up like he got one over on you by having sex with your wife. I know (I've been told, anyway) that it's basically just some competitive male urges telling me this, and that I should leave that aspect be. But then stuff like this happens: my WW went NC immediately after DDay, and I sent one text message to the POSOM on that day "You are a truly terrible human being." Left it at that, no response, which is fine. About a month later, he sends my WW a FB message saying that *I* should not even think about retaliation, because (in his words) "you don't want a war with me. It wouldn't be good for you, him, or your family" I'm pretty sure he's running scared, looking over his shoulder, etc., but there's a portion (sometimes, a very large portion) that wants to just kick his apartment door in and inform him that the only reason he's still walking around is due an incredible level of self-restraint on my part. ...

Late Addition: I mean, if this dude was really THAT diesel and not just some internet Scarface wannabe, wouldn't he have sent that message to me instead? He certainly has my phone number.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:22 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cannon,
If you had been emotionally available I wouldn't have gone searching

"Yeah, and if you had come to me instead jumping on another guy's dick then we wouldn't be divorcing"

Facepunched,
File a police report. That way you're on the record and if he ever approaches you...well it wouldn't be hard to explain how you acted in "self-defense"


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3365 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched,
File a police report. That way you're on the record and if he ever approaches you...well it wouldn't be hard to explain how you acted in "self-defense"

I wasn't sure if I could. If he did it TWICE I could file a "No Stalking Order" in my state for free, I do believe. With one occurence, there's a Non-Domestic Civil Harrasment Order (restraining order, more or less), but the cost of filing was like $400. I do not have that kind of cake.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Maxiom
♂ Member
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP,

Its altogether possible he feels that way. I personally know a few who do often feel this way. They are, by in large, braggarts and not someone I would ever associate with. I felt that way even before I experienced infidelity myself.

Actually.. this reminded me of an old acquaintance. He used to brag about “baggin” some married woman and how he was pullin one over on her husband. He was asked what he would do if the husband ever caught them. Of course.. he would puff out his chest and tell us how he would just beat down anyone who got it his face. Well.. one day.. the husband did come home. The guy hightailed it out of there so fast he left his pants, wallet and car keys behind. I should mention.. douchebag is over 6 ft tall.. maybe 220#.. while husband is 5’9”ish .. 160#. So husband comes outside and tells him he can come pick his wallet and keys any time. .. Douchebag call the police and reports them stolen.

It has been my experience that the overwhelming majority of OM are by their very nature cowards. I wouldn’t give them any space in your head. I know.. its easier said than done.. but you’ll get there.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 435 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maxiom,

Thanks! I know what you're saying to be true. But you know the rage....it comes and it goes...I'm only like a month and a half out from DDay. The POSOM is a definite loser (older than I, in worse shape, no college, no prospects for the future, marijuana/alcohol addict, almost certainly clinically depressed) and so in the long run I know for sure that success being the best revenge will hold true here, but when the anger is gripping you at 2 am and you cannot sleep, it's hard to tell yourself that.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
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