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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP,
He made what I would consider a threat. The police can't charge you a fee to take a report on the incident. Now what you do afterwards is up to you (e.g. file for the restraining order). If they take a report then you can have your own notes about the experience and that the recourse offeredwas too costly at the time.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3363 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brandon
He made what I would consider a threat. The police can't charge you a fee to take a report on the incident. Now what you do afterwards is up to you (e.g. file for the restraining order). If they take a report then you can have your own notes about the experience and that the recourse offeredwas too costly at the time.

Thanks! I'll look into it for sure. My dream *sigh* would be to get him served a restraining order at his job or parent's house.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Maxiom
♂ Member
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave this advice in another thread. The OM is simply a proxy for anger for your WW. Im not saying you shouldn’t harbor anger toward him. Lets face it, he didn’t do you any favors here, but he didn’t make any promises to you.. didn’t make vows to you. He is selfish and self absorbed, and obviously doesn’t give a shit about you, but he’s not the main culprit

The way you get past this is simple. You must face the true source of your anger. Yeah he’s an asshole, but this asshole had help. He would not have had any way to hurt you without having a WILLING participant. That would be your WW. She is the source of your anger.

I get it. I was there. You have a hard time feeling that much anger toward someone you love, but the bottom line is... She is the cause of it. That anger must run its course. When it does your anger and frustration to OM will abate. He’s not going to win any popularity contests with you.. but you will reach indifference.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 435 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maxiom

Here is the issue I run into. The POSOM, myself, and my WW were all friends for about 6 years prior to all this. He and I hung out, he came over to my house to watch games, have beers, etc., I'd have him get my son off the bus after school. In addition, since I married a tad young, I don't have too many married male friends (none, really). So this guy was the one I would talk to, vent about married life to, etc., since we were actually really good friends. I helped him acquire an apartment, and when his car got smashed in a windstorm, I convinced the landlord to cut him a break on that month's rent, and gave him rides to work. (This is all obviously pre-A) I always basically felt like he was a solid dude who just couldn't seem to get his shit together in life. So unlike some other POSOM, he knew me well enough to know that I was a good husband and father....so I don't give a shit what sob story my WW was telling him at the time, (I'm sure she was trapped in a loveless marriage she couldn't leave because of our child, blah....blah....blah...) he had enough evidence from our own experiences to KNOW that the picture she was painting was in-fucking-accurate. So while certainly she bears the brunt of the responsibility for it, due to our exchanging of vows and promises, this guy knew exactly what the fuck I was all about as a person.

Addition: If it were one of those situations where he didn't thoroughly know me, I'd say yeah, I'm just proxying, my wife was feeding him lies about myself and our marriage. But he was there to see it all and know it was bullshit. And he still did it.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 2:40 PM, February 22nd (Friday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, this is a bit of a t/j, I guess. Does anyone else get really, really mad at the idea that some guy is walking around probably feeling puffed-up like he got one over on you by having sex with your wife. I know (I've been told, anyway) that it's basically just some competitive male urges telling me this, and that I should leave that aspect be. But then stuff like this happens: my WW went NC immediately after DDay, and I sent one text message to the POSOM on that day "You are a truly terrible human being." Left it at that, no response, which is fine. About a month later, he sends my WW a FB message saying that *I* should not even think about retaliation, because (in his words) "you don't want a war with me. It wouldn't be good for you, him, or your family" I'm pretty sure he's running scared, looking over his shoulder, etc., but there's a portion (sometimes, a very large portion) that wants to just kick his apartment door in and inform him that the only reason he's still walking around is due an incredible level of self-restraint on my part. ...

Well, occasionally I get pissed but fucking my wife is probably going to be the highlight of his life so I'll let him have that little porn I guess.

That sounds like I got her up on a pedestal. I might, a bit. I'm standing on my own though. See, she hopped down to fuck some trash in the gutter. She climbed back up with a lot of hard work, but that loser is still down there and never will be any better than he is. I down on myself a lot but I know I'm better than him and if she decided to stay down there, I could move on and either chill on my pedestal awhile and enjoy life alone with my boys or find someone else on the same level. I'm glad she's back up here, don't get me wrong, but where she went isn't anything I want. He can puff on that all he likes, it ain't for me.

As for threats, the guys to worry about aren't the ones who talk shit to your wife/girlfriend about you. They're the ones who talk to you personally. File a complaint absolutely, but don't worry. He's scared as all hell. Otherwise he'd have told you to your face rather than puff on his own cock in front of your wife to look tough... way out of your reach of immediate retaliation, where all you can do is bark back.

I don't hear you barking, I hear you growling. What does a dog do before it bites?

Addition: If it were one of those situations where he didn't thoroughly know me, I'd say yeah, I'm just proxying, my wife was feeding him lies about myself and our marriage. But he was there to see it all and know it was bullshit. And he still did it.

Of course he did. He let her shovel that shit out for herself, not because he gave a damn. Repeating that shit helped her to believe it enough to continue on in that little world.

FYI, filing a complaint around here means the cops go to his place to have a chat. Dunno if it works like that where you are or if you even care. Had to deal with a shitball neighbor yelling at my wife. I eventually told him to roll his fat ass over here if he wanted the beating of his life, he sent his wife over to apologize when I wasn't home instead. Haven't heard from him since at least. Cops lol'd about it when I stopped at the station to talk to them about it.

I wouldn't recommend that, but it makes for a colorful anecdote if you can imagine the kind of ludicrous shit I would be shouting at somebody.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7083 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Cannon
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Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else get really, really mad at the idea that some guy is walking around probably feeling puffed-up like he got one over on you by having sex with your wife.

Yeah, I have to admit that part of the reason that I had to go ahead and file was because of macho shit.

In the end, I just couldn't' get over the face that my STBEWW fucked two other guys and that I was going to just let it slide. I couldn't be at peace with myself and have any kind of self respect after that. I'm a pretty proud dude (my WW always says "arrogant", but I think she just doesn't know what being comfortable with yourself looks like) and I was having a hard time reconciling that fact with myself.

And, on another note, I've stragely never obsessed on the OM. Every one of them is a single dude, and I know how dudes are. They don't know me, and they were just being male. Doesn't mean I wouldn't relish whacking them in the face with a pool cue, but part of me understands.


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks! That may have been one of the most affirming, uplifting, ass-kicking things I've read on here. My favorite part of the POSOM's FB message? Where he states "This is not a threat, just a warning.", like that legally means a damn thing. Oh, it's just a warning? Guess you can't get in trouble for it!


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Onan
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Member # 33473
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeing that the current topic is OM threats on FB I thought I might chime in here. Little background - WW visting sister, friended OM on FB. As soon as I found out I demanded she defriend, I mean WTF? Long story short she said no, I said stay there and don't bother coming back. Anyway, got this message on FB from OM:


you think you've dun somethng great and You feel so in charge an powerful by threatening [WW] of taking HER house from her, YOU just Chopped your fucking HEAD off you pathertic peace of shit. U think you were a paranoia skitzo, ha not yet but you will be if you don't change your attitude and get this stuff overwith, cause like i said [OM] ain't going anywgwere you sorry fuck. Chew on it and enjoy your ride thru the woods going and coming from work everyday and night.....i'm NOT concerned a bit about US but Your history big boy, count on that one just according to how long it takes you to figure it out.

Attorney appointment next Fri to discuss divorce and TRO for this POSOM. This is one of many veiled threats so not sure if TRO is possbile. What do you all think?


BS(me): 56
WW(her): 52
M: 19yrs
D-day: 8/25/2011
Good news: Wife really, really likes sex. Bad news: Just not with me.

Posts: 185 | Registered: Sep 2011
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Onan she picked a real Mensa candidate, didn't she?

Jesus.


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a big fan of the curses you heap on others will be heaped on you.
The mindset of a fella that would fuck a married woman is foreign to me.
All I can come up with is he's ruled by his dik. In high school I was away from such ones, they don't and never did move on from their dicks.

These ones? They follow their own shallow dicktates, else why? Why are they seeking to fuck again tomorrow, if it's so good.

I see OM's as bottom feeders, not worthy of my lunch.
Me?
I prefer messin up a girl's lipstick rather than her mascara.


Posts: 5986 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate FacePunch.

So many times I have wanted to confront this asshole. I outted him to his wife, but I still have a desire to face him. He lives 90 miles away and this probably has saved me from being arrested. I have a business regulated by the state and can't have a criminal record.
I sometimes lay awake at night still thinking about pummeling this fucking asshole with no regard of the consequences. Its going to be a LONG time before I let this go.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many times I have wanted to confront this asshole. I outted him to his wife, but I still have a desire to face him. He lives 90 miles away and this probably has saved me from being arrested. I have a business regulated by the state and can't have a criminal record.
I sometimes lay awake at night still thinking about pummeling this fucking asshole with no regard of the consequences. Its going to be a LONG time before I let this go.

Yeah, in my case he lives 5 miles away, works across the street, and via a random fortuitous set of circumstances, I had the keys to his place of residence. Got rid of those, though. Far too tempting. If this were 6-7 years ago, and I had no child....it would've been bad news. But I do, and I'm trying to get into a career in Law Enforcement and some basic political stuff, so it's really the last thing I need, but I'll be damned if it's not enough to drive a man nuts, sometimes. Another thing that stopped me? A story I read on here somewhere about a guy who did beat the living shit out of some POSOM, and ended up having to pay for the reconstructive surgery, court costs, and the like.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 10:25 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
foundoutlater
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Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They don't know me, and they were just being male.

Cannon – By male I am assuming you mean a man and not a boy. I don’t think a man would fuck a hot mess. If OM did not know W as in a relationship I could stomach that. But the boy or a wretch of a man that fucks someone else’s wife also fucks over her husband. He knows and could not care. That is not “just being male”. That is being male but forgetting what it means to be a man.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1058 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If OM did not know W as in a relationship I could stomach that. But the boy or a wretch of a man that fucks someone else’s wife also fucks over her husband. He knows and could not care. That is not “just being male”. That is being male but forgetting what it means to be a man.

Amen. If the OM really was clueless that my wife was married, I'd probably feel anger towards him still, but it'd be something much, much closer to ambivalence, and I'd probably get around to not caring at all about him pretty quickly. But he did, he was my friend, came to my wedding, etc., so he knew the entire time.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM traveled to my house after we moved. He was a friend of WW and I was stupid enough to believe that he came all that way to visit her out of friendship. I was actually happy for her that a friend had come all that way to see her.

How many ways can you spell stupid? One of them at least is *razor*

I dont know how I would react if I ever saw him again. It would not end well though.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3063 | Registered: Sep 2007
kchip
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Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out tonight my stbxw is back on with POSMOM. I texted his BS after looking to see if he or she had filed their D yet. She is completely brain dead. Doesn't want to hear from me anymore. No d filed.

7 and 1/2 months out, feeling better about all this shit and y pending divorce and tonight I feel kicked in the gut again.

He can have that little whore, I just want the bitch out of my house. My neighbors tell me he slips out before sun up.

I am pissed right now. I mean pissed.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM traveled to my house after we moved. He was a friend of WW and I was stupid enough to believe that he came all that way to visit her out of friendship. I was actually happy for her that a friend had come all that way to see her.
How many ways can you spell stupid? One of them at least is *razor*

Don't worry; you can spell stupid "FacePunched" as well. In about mid-November my WW woke me up in the middle of the night-ish (11:25 pm or so) and told me excitedly that she wanted to go see the new Twilight movie at midnight, and if it was OK with me. I said "Yeah, for sure", and was actually kind of happy for her. I have no problem going to movies, lunch, dinner etc., by myself, and can enjoy social activities with my wife or by my lonesome...but I'm pretty self-assured. My WW has always been really introverted, and so I was kind of happy that she was kind of expanding her horizons a bit. Turns out she went with POSOM AND paid for his goddamned ticket...I can tell by the credit card statements. I don't think they did anything (on this occasion, anyway) besides go to the movie, since I woke up when she came home and remember doing the mental math in my head and it all worked out. I didn't know anything at the time about the A, I'm just a suspicious person by nature...too bad not suspicious enough. Oddly enough, this is one of the discoveries that hit me the absolute hardest...I mean like sobbing and yelling hard...I just felt so fucking stupid. Like, it was RIGHT FUCKING THERE for me to see, and I didn't.

And I know to some degree I need to let myself off the hook, because if someone who knows your schedule like your spouse does wants to work around it, she's going to find a way. But once you start getting a timeline and piecing things together, you realize a million different times you might have caught them had you just deviated from your normal schedule a little bit...it's so damned aggravating.

I dont know how I would react if I ever saw him again. It would not end well though.

The first two weeks or so, it was the idea of the POSOM having sex with my wife that was driving me nuts. Now, after some pondering, it's the fact that this POS and my wife decided that her driving over to his house absolutely SMASHED in the middle of the night TWICE (or so the story right now is) was ok, and that by extension affects my son, who could've EASILY been without a mother had she been involved in an accident. Or the other times, where my WW would drop my son off with my SIL and then go drink with this guy (and have sex with him on at least one of these occasions) and then go pick up my son afterwards from her sis.

I get enraged at these things. Absolutely pissed off. When I rage, it's usually these kinds of thoughts that set me off. I've since asked my WW, "What if you got pulled over at 2 am over by his house? I'm not THAT stupid, what would you have said?" "Or what if you would've fallen asleep over there?" "Or what the FUCK made you think it was acceptable to drink and drive with my son in the fucking car?" "This guy supposedly loves you so much, but is ok with you putting your and my son's life at risk? And this person is sooooooo special to you?" The stuff over my son's danger is really, really getting to me lately. I know people say you hit the rage stage at about 6-7 months....but if this isn't rage, I don't know what is.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 10:12 AM, February 25th (Monday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
tfkeel
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Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

people say you hit the rage stage at about 6-7 months....

I don't think there's any timetable on how our feelings unfold.

I first bought into her lies that somehow this was MY fault. About 3 weeks into it, I recognized that as horseshit. That's when I got pissed and started to think of all the ways in which she screwed me and our family, and like you, how she put our two sons in jeopardy, and thought nothing of the consequences she brought upon them.

Hell, I'm a big boy. You want to humiliate me, fuck me over....guess what? I'll get over it. But think of our kids. What does this do to them?


Posts: 37 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I prefer messin up a girl's lipstick rather than her mascara.

Nice.



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, I'm a big boy. You want to humiliate me, fuck me over....guess what? I'll get over it. But think of our kids. What does this do to them?

Exactly. That is almost verbatim how I feel. You wanna construct some fantasy world where I am the reason for your unhappiness? Go fucking nuts. It's not true, but you can believe that. But if the whole reason you're still with me (according to what you've told the POSOM) is because of our son, then how the fuck do you not think of the conequences of your actions if I catch and then divorce your ass?

But I kind of think some WS want that in a way...especially the ones with toxic shame and low self-esteem...it allows them to walk away freely, and use that shame as part of their narrative in seeking ego boosts from the next sucker...WW (During one of those sobbing, self-hating breakdowns that broken people use as a sick form of building emotional intimacy): "I'm a terrible person, I hurt the ones that love me..." Sucker: "No, you're not, you're a good, beautiful person who has made mistakes, but I understand you like no one else ever has, and I'm not judging you!"


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
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