toxic shame and low self-esteem
Ahhh, so you've studied up on your John Bradshaw have you?
Good on you.
Spot the fuck on.
It took you 51 posts to describe an entire, toxic, and all-too-common dynamic.
You hung the detritus of my past relationship to a T. On a tree.
one of those sobbing, self-hating breakdowns that broken people use as a sick form of building emotional intimacy
I have spent a lot of time examining why I fell for that. It was because of my low self esteem, because if I could fix that, the source of that toxic dynamic, well
then I'd be worth something wouldn't I? I mean, look at the fucked up I fixed! Ain't I grand?
I was seeking external kudos. Validation.
So, my path to healing became about finding me. Inside. Untethered from outside acclamation.
I'm happy to report though, I'm still at one with my duality.
[This message edited by jjct at 8:31 PM, February 25th (Monday)]
Hey, thanks. One of the most devastating things I ever said to my WW (in terms of how hurt she appeared, not in terms of trying to cause hurt) was when one night she was crying about how I make her feel like shit because I don't tell her how pretty she is often enough, and how I don't help her out enough at work (work together) was this: "I am NOT responsible for your self-esteem."
Heard it in a movie or TV show or something.
Now, as her husband, I'm sure if I told her every day that she sucked in bed, was fat, ugly, etc., (none of which is true) I could surely affect her self-image to a degree, no matter how self-assured she was. But that wasn't me. Now, what did I do? I pushed her to try new things, (She DID this, in a very unfortunate bit of irony, I suppose), to be more assertive, to take a more active role in our son's life, to stop drinking so much and so often, to ditch skanky friends in favor of married ones. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have done all that.
I'm not a perfect husband...but I've never claimed to be.
I'll take any and all necessary 2x4's...but I'll do it without the condescension, thanks.
After being on this site for 6 months I finally found out where you guys were hanging out. Thanks for being here with me and I need to catch up on these threads, you guys have been busy.
Not every situation is the same as yours. Please allow the newer members to go through the process like you were able to, and remember, not every outcome will be the same.
Please dial it back.
Never be afraid of the truth
Hell, do you, for a second, think, that if tables were turned, we would be spared the inevitable? NOT
So, let them know how you feel. They truly deserve it.
I took this quote from MPB's. He and I are the same (although I have not read his whole story - MPB's you are ahead of me on the timetable by a longshot) in that we had unremorseful WW's who had no interest in R. And let me add this, she spoke out against cheaters all her life. Totally condoned it and said she would never stay with a cheater. Even told me if I ever cheated she would cut me d**k off. So I agree, if roles had reversed, no way would there have been a R. I did try but the folks on this forum enlightened me quickly and I took action to get my life back. While she is still trying to cut it off me in the form of monetary gain in the D, I have realized she is the loser here. Wether it be her future relationship with our kids, the scarlet letter she bears, her relationship with her own parents, losing people that used to be her friends. But MOST of all, she lost me, that can never be replaced and she will never find anyone, let me be clear ANYONE, who will treat her better or love her more than I did. When she realizes this, the Karma bus rolls.
It is all about me MPB's. You hit it on the head. I know a lot of you guys are in a crazy place, a lot of emotions, feelings, thoughts racing around. That fog your cheating, lying ex is in? Guess what? You get in a fog too. But you will come out better in the end whereas she will not. Trust yourself, find yourself, read the posts of the guys here, do what you need to do for you. It is all about you. We will be here to help when you need it.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 10:29 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]
But I believe people can make terrible mistakes/choices and confront the reasons within themselves that they did it, and come through on the other side a different person.
They can. It takes a lot of work.
We all tend to view the world through our own lens and it can be difficult to see a completely different perspective. At least I have a hard time anyway. That doesn't mean the other person is foggy or deluded, though. So long as you are not compromising your boundaries and your wife is treating you with the respect and honesty you expect then there will be progress.
She was just on the couch with me crying about "our last weekend together" (she moves out next weekend) and saying "someone else will get the best of me...you got the crazy pregnant part". I almost took the bait when she said my pride caused all this. I tensed up and said that I've swallowed my bride so much the last three years that Im at a deficit now.
Man, one more week, guys. Then my nightmare will be over.
Status: Divorced and relieved
That seriously blows goats, sir. But you're almost out, at least. What a broken person she is.
Yesterday she stayed on her chair almost all day crying, then decided she was grrr angry today.
Sent me some nasty emails at work, saying she can't sand to be around me and I'm not I call, contact or email her family as they are off limits (I have a great relationship with my in laws - her mom said she'll always consider me her third son , and her Dad insists that he still wants a relationship with me and invited me on his annual fishing trip in April - which WW said specifically Im not to do now)
Anyway, I signed papers with the lawyer today, which I told her when she got home. Now that's all over fb of course, with her saying she should have done this seven years ago.
The kicker today was coming home after an evening work meeting and seeing all of our "together" pictures in the house torn into pieces, including the picture art of our last name that I gave her for our anniversary two years ago.
All this placed so I could easily find it of course. Passive aggressive much? Mature much? I actually find it a little bunny boling creepy.
I almost took the bait when she said my pride caused all this.
Yep. Isn't that amazing?
How I could, after observing that, prior to marriage, she would have fucked anything that walked on 2 legs or 4, now "buy" that her affairs was "my fault".
But I did. Then.
But not anymore. I'm now married to a great woman and we have a terrific life. Neither of us cheat, and we have lots of sex together.
Guess it was my fault ?
[This message edited by tfkeel at 8:10 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)]
She hacked my phone this AM and saw messages and pictures I sent to people with this phrase and was piiiiised.
We argued a little and somehow got around to her drunken facebook posts, and I told her all the messages and comments I get from people about her crazy ass posts. She immediately defriened me and all my work friends and my buddies (no big deal, really. Faceboook means SO MUCH to her that she thinks it is)
Then she wants to start arguments in front of the kids this morning which ends up upsetting my oldest, so I had to talk him down on the way to school this morning.
And of course I'm getting harrassed on email at work now, and she's gone back to the "Small dick" and "lasts three minutes" insults to hurt me - this time without the excuse of being drunk and on klonopin.
You guys enjoying the blow by blow?
You must have such a deep satisfaction knowing that not only are you getting away from that absolutely crazy woman, but that you are going to find new happiness very soon. Bonus: she is going to be miserable wreck for a long time...if not forever. Hah!
How you've stared this shit down is down right impressive.
Can't say I'm enjoying it as much as I'm transfixed by it. There's something...fascinating...about watching the crazy boil over out of them. As long as its from a safe distance of course
I can't help but wonder does she think any of the crap she's pulling is going to do anything other than make you want D that much faster? Like you're going to drop to your knees and say
"Please, please, please give me another chance. I can't live my life without you. Where else am I going to find a woman who insults me, sends nude pics to other men and FBWI (Facebooks while intoxicated)?"