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User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you make out with your wife a few times a week? Just a long kiss?

- No, she is too busy blowing me.

Did you affirm her everyday? several times a day.. in different ways...

- nope she is too busy learning how to affirm me.

You touch your wife everyday in some way that is loving.

- You mean when I am slapping her on the ass?

You just sit and talk.. listen.. everyday.. 10-30 minutes?

- Sure, while I eat chicken wings and watch Man City crush Chelsea.

That is a good list - really. Not one that would work much for my W and I, but a good list for most I think.

Here's the gig from my point of view.

I agree that we can change only ourselves. I agree that we should try and be a good partner, work to keep our spouses emotional bank accounts full in a way that makes sense for them. Check with them often to make sure it really is, if its not figure out how together. Guess what. I did that shit. Ask my W. Ask my friends. This is not re-writing history. I was not perfect, but I was really fucking good.

The thing is that had nothing to do with my W smoking some other dudes pole. I didn't hold her head.

There is a tone in your posts that suggest when you try and 'fill every need of a woman' it acts as some sort of preventive potion against the for mentioned cock sucking. It doesn't.

When a WS suggests that the BS should have done something different and it would have prevented the A it is just crap. If my W was so severely lacking in some unmet need that she needed to seek it's fulfillment outside of our relationship by blowing another dude she really should of had the adult perspective, morals and self worth to discuss the matter with me first. She didn't. This is about blame. It's just once you have established who is to blame, blame becomes counter productive.

So now? My W is communicating what she wants/needs and likes. Instead of creating a fantasy world and imagining shit she is working in the real world and addressing the way she thinks, act, reacts and feels. Then she talks to me about it. I admittedly understand her better but that is because she changed. She has improved. She is coming to the table. She is doing these things for herself. I have a better relationship for it.

I like to think that I have demonstrated good boundaries and clear requirements for my M with her and that helped her in some way. I think I had an impact. She certainly has on me. That said, it is not a simple matter of me making out with her, touching her or stroking her false ego like OM did in order to achieve compliance and get what I want. She had to change the way she thought, acted and reacted I had little to do with that except enforcing my boundaries.

take it easy...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wert
Why did your w have her A?

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because she wanted to. Yours?



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard,

I'm truly curious what you think a woman's role/responsibility is to her husband.

All this one sided talk about how we as men could do a better job of meeting our WW's percieved needs is exactly what fosters a nonremorseful WW. I can tell you, like others here, I got/get the laundry list of all the things I didn't do for her. It's a lose lose for me either way. If my WW said I was lacking in one area I would work on that. Then another area I could improve on for her came up, I would work on that. Then there was something else I could be doing more, I'd work on that. Eventually I was spinning around trying to juggle everything she wanted and then I'd get another "need" thrown at me. I tried, I tried, I tried. Eventually I lost my sense of self. I was a shell of who I really am and I was miserable.
Then I changed my approach, I would start standing up for myself. My WW would say "you don't do X, Y, Z for me" I would shoot back with "actually I do do X Y Z. I did X this time, do Y all the time, and have done Z 17 times this past month". But guess what? She cheated on me! Not me on her. She was going to do it regardless of whether I met her needs or called her out on her bs.
The problem wasn't that I didn't do anything to show her I loved her. The problem was she percieved what she wanted to justify her behavior. A woman who thinks that others should jump through hoops to meet her needs is abusive and entitled. A recipe for disaster. I have my faults, my short commings, and needs the same as every other human being on the planet. I'll own them and not push them off on others as if it's their responsibility to change to suit me. On the other hand my WW thinks that all her problems and insecurities would go away if only everyone else would treat her more like a princess. No thanks, I'll pass on that one.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
64fleet
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Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you make out with your wife a few times a week? Just a long kiss?

ya'll still kiss on the lips?


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
foundoutlater
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Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious brother.. what is the difference between an excuse and a reason?

I know it’s not aimed at me but I have had some trouble wrestling with this. I don’t think there is much of a difference in the “function” (to steal some words from earlier). An excuse and a reason are why something happened or why a choice was made. I think the difference lies in what it means. Not feeling literate or potetic right now so here goes my take. The excuse is “well it’s not my fault because x y or z”. A reason is “well my choice was driven by x y or z and my thinking was fucked up because my choice was wrong”.

That’s pretty much where I fall out on this distinction now.


Because she wanted to. Yours?

What other reason could there be wert – right? Anything else is rape. Whether it was the sex she wanted, some hole or FOO issue or something else she wanted she traded sex for, the A happened because she wanted to. To me it is the crap about who the W is/was that lent her to want to is the “reason” or the “why” I think most people want or need to understand to rebuild a relationship.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
aesir
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Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, if you treat your wife like a princess, she will not cheat. Of course I mean that in the traditional sense of being locked in a tower wearing a chastity belt whenever you are not around to supervise.

As for the difference between a reason and an excuse, I will offer up the expert opinion of answers.yahoo.com

A reason is valid and usually unavoidable. An excuse is a transparent attempt to shift blame away from one's self.

Being late for something important because you missed the bus is an excuse, because it is still you that missed the bus. Being late because the bus broke down is a reason for something that is beyond your control.

As for Michelle Langley and her research, all of her research was anonymous, there is no source material or data available for an independent analysis, no list of names (or psuedonyms or case numbers), just her own statements that she claims are based on thousands of informal conversations. I don't even think it is a matter of selection bias. I truly do not believe that she has the data to back up her conclusions. I believe that she fabricated the interviews. Think about it. How hard is it to get a representative sample of women who cheat to interview? Now try to winnow that down to those that have a fucking clue why they did it. We have members here who are dedicated to sorting this shit out, and they struggle for a long time to get to it. A bunch of her friends trading stories about the sizes of the various cocks they sucked is not a valid research method, and I believe that she just flat out fabricated the "thousands of women" she interviewed.

In her book, it is clear that she believes that women are just incapable of resisting large penises. Not entirely sure how women actually locate these large penises that lead to affairs without actually already having the affairs to begin with. Her thought process violates reason. It is not even a circular argument like the old chicken and egg. (For the record eggs came first, dinosaurs laid eggs long before there were ever chickens.)

The reason crap like Women's Infidelity has a market is simple. Cheating women like the idea that what they did was not so bad, hell the book even dismisses the whole thing as being simply a matter of genital proximity. They like the idea that it is perfectly normal for them to do this. They like the idea that since men have been doing it for years, now they can do it too to make up for the inequities of ages long past. They like that it can all be justified and excused. Men like the idea that they can somehow control all of this through their own behavior, as though there is a vaccine against infidelity.

Both target markets are delusional, and neither group has proper respect for the other as human beings or partners.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
hardlessons
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Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If our children are never taught that when a dirty old man comes up to them wanting to give them candy to see them naked.. our child may do that. It is not that child’s fault the man has a sickness wanting to abuse our children. If the child did not know to run and fight, it is not that child’s fault. If someone tells that child what to do, then they know what to do. They fight, run, make that sick man no longer part of their world.

I am not surprised you used teaching a child as your analogy. As that is the role you put your woman into.

And on to a new topic..

So, for those that are in R with their wives. Many times I still see many in here posting very graphically what your wives did when it really doesn't add to the validity of what your saying on a particular topic, almost want to say its gratuitous obscene content just for the sake of it. I am in no way adverse to the language. I guess I am asking if that is an indicator of something positive or negative. Is it unresolved shit? Or is that just part of the membership R&R's?

I totally get a newbie unleashing it here or those not in R and this is a great safe place to do that, so again for those in R with their W..

I know for me saying or writing those things in an expression of anger would be healthy for a period of time post dday, but continued use in other formats such as name calling for the sake of it in posts to others would start to hinder how I felt and perceived my W.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
wincing_at_light
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Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's an excellent observation, HL. There are a couple of reasons that feed into my logic, so I'll give you both of them:

1. When I was new, the guys who were all gushy about how hopeful they were and how much their wives "got it" and were all over the bettar.than.evar schtick seriously made me want to punch them in the mouth.

Let me be straight here: At 6+ years out, it is really, really hard for me to connect to the feelings I had after D-day. I'm so far removed from the rage stage that occupied the better part of 3 years of my life that I hardly remember emotionally what it was like.

But I'm not going to shit all over a new guy with rainbows and unicorn assholes just because I've come to understand that this really isn't the worst thing that can happen to you and you will get over it. I'm not going to invalidate his pain. If he sits with it long enough, he'll invalidate it himself. You want a guy to know you empathize with him because you've been there, you've got to speak his language.

2. They say that on D-day, the marriage dies and a new marriage has to take its place if there's going to be reconciliation. I feel the same way about my wife. My cheating wife died, just like the faithful one before her did. This new wife has no connection to the cheating one, so she's got a clean slate and is every bit as wonderful as you can imagine.

The cheating, remorseless, blameshifting twat who blew up my marriage, then spent months making me miserable, telling me it was time to get over it and breaking NC? She was a dumb, fucking cvnt, and I see no need to sugar coat her antics just because she's dead and in the ground.

You might say that's a bit of compartmentalization on my part. I call it recognizing a new creation when I see it.

Then again, I'm not sure I've ever encountered an obscenity that I thought was gratuitous, so I could just be on a different wavelength than the rest of y'all.

ETA: I want to add one more thing, because I think it's important. There's a tendency in infidelity circles to talk about broken people and look at inner children and FOO or cSAb spoiled childhoods. Those are valid things for WS's to look into, ways to heal themselves.

But if we're not careful, compassion can easily become codependence. I think it's healthy for betrayed men to look at their recently cheating wives and be disgusted by their disgustingness -- I mean to really get down and dirty with the full ramifications of her fucking other guys or sucking them off in badly lit parking lots. You need to understand that's *who she is* and *what she's capable of* with a pretty clear eye before you undertake the challenge of deciding that you can reconcile the marriage with her. Language keeps us from lying to ourselves by papering it over with euphemisms.

If you can accept the ugliness and find compassion for what's underneath, you've got a real chance of making it good going forward. That's some serious value added for a bit of blunt language.

And just to give you an odd bit of marital insight from the lofty heights of 6+ years out, my wife and I have actually had this conversation and worked through the rationale behind my...er, colorful...posting style.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 5:48 PM, April 5th (Friday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
StillGoing
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Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, if you treat your wife like a princess, she will not cheat. Of course I mean that in the traditional sense of being locked in a tower wearing a chastity belt whenever you are not around to supervise.


^ got kicked out of her tower because she was preggo thanks to a level 9 thief with a ton of points in pick locks and climb walls.


eta:

So, for those that are in R with their wives. Many times I still see many in here posting very graphically what your wives did when it really doesn't add to the validity of what your saying on a particular topic, almost want to say its gratuitous obscene content just for the sake of it. I am in no way adverse to the language. I guess I am asking if that is an indicator of something positive or negative. Is it unresolved shit? Or is that just part of the membership R&R's?

For me it's just desensitization. My wife rode some dudes cock. Oh well.

She was a horrible fucking person at the time, and her being awesome beyond description right now and cooler than anyone else with boobs doesn't undo that. So I just roll with it. If it really upset her then I trust her enough that she'd say so and I would adjust my word choice.

I mean, if some dude beats the blazing shit out of his wife but goes to anger management and gets control over himself, he becomes a better man for it, but he still beat the blazing shit out of his wife and mincing words about it is a good way to let a memory fade that shouldn't. It's a reminder of what not to do and what not to accept, IMO.

Also the word cock is kinda funny.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:22 PM, April 5th (Friday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
wert
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Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HT - That is a very good discuss point. I have actually put some thought into it lately. Before I put down my take I want to support what I think should be common acceptance - for a spell after dday all bets outside of violence are off. It's not right,it poor communication, its not fair, but fuck fair. It's time to call a spade a spade and for everyone to put their chips on the table or leave.

Now once a certain personal corner has been turned, when I decided I was not leaving, I think I have come to terms with the fact that vulgar language is counter productive for me and I should let it go. My reasons -

It's really not me. It is my anger and my need to dissociation myself from my W. Those things I have written are true, happened and how she behaved, but as long as I keep writing/saying them I am keeping that old dumb childish whore alive. She is currently in the process of dying. Not dead, but I don't think she is coming back either. I need to let that go for myself, for her and most importantly for us. For me it is part of acceptance and forgiveness. Part of internalizing the very human fact that people are capable of horrible things and then they can turn that shit around. I am fairly sure at some point in my life I am going to want for others to tap into that common humanity for my sake - IE I will fuck something up.

It's hard though. In some ways that anger is a blanket. Keeps me warm, safe and separate. It's funny, I didn't really have that as part of my response or natural instinct until she cheated. I wasn't that guy who called women whores, but that changed. I don't feel bad about it because I understand it has its place now, but at the same time I don't want it to be me.

I mean, if some dude beats the blazing shit out of his wife but goes to anger management and gets control over himself, he becomes a better man for it, but he still beat the blazing shit out of his wife and mincing words about it is a good way to let a memory fade that shouldn't. It's a reminder of what not to do and what not to accept, IMO.

Yes, but for me I would say I'm not forgetting shit and I don't need the vulgarity any longer to remind me. It's a part of me and I am fairly sure I won't forget that I don't accept my W blowing another dude.

I do think some dissection of this this is need however. So there is my healing and what I want and how I want to behave which I stated above. Those things are for me. That said, I think WAL point about support of others, showing them you get where they are, can't be underscored enough. From a support of guys that are just starting point of view I think it makes a good deal of sense because for me, especially at the start that vulgarity helped me. It helped me separate from my W, it helped me see her clearly for who she was, it helped me kill my disillusionment. I don't want to stifle that in someone 6 weeks out.

take it easy...

HT - thanks for changing the subject...I was starting to swing at pitches in the dirt....



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
dday3302011
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Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@HT

As Wert mentioned, thanks for changing the subject, I was starting to feel like we were all involved in some sort of internet based Sham-Wow!! commercial.

I'm not in R but I do use vulgarity often when I post, and I did when I was still trying to R. I do it because I remember reading these threads a couple of years ago shortly after dday and finding that kind of talk helpful. I remember thinking "at least I don't have to deal with that shit", or "well at least she didn't do what that poor prick's wife did". It's my Neanderthal way of providing perspective, because let's be honest, (here it comes) if the thought of another man fucking your wife's ass, and sticking his cock in her mouth while she swallows his semen is something you have to deal with, isn't it better to know that there are others out there like you? Fellow betrayed men who have to deal with similar trauma and in some cases worse trauma? For me it was/is. It's one of the main reasons I started coming back to SI: Perspective and support.

Not that I have a fucking clue of what's right. But it "feels right". Fuck, now I sound like a WW.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
StillGoing
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Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa, whoa, whoa there. The surgical application of fine obscenities is both an art and a science, not unlike music. The perfect tonal intonations, shifting pitch, hard consonant closure immediately following a sharp vowel placed delicately into a grammatical structure at just the right place changes the word "fuck" from a mere crass outburst involving grimy rutting in a sewer overhang into the closing trochee of a Norse epic that would make Odin's single eye tear up in pride.

I mean... fuck.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
aesir
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Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was sending a text earlier today on my iPod, and autocorrect did not even bother to highlight, never mind correct the following: goodgoddamnratsassflyingfuck. It just accepted that as a valid word I was using.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa, whoa, whoa there.

I was not writing about general obscenities. I don't want to stop using some of the most colorful words in the my native language.

I would also suggest that when I call my fellow man and asshole, no other word exactly gets that message across the same. Let's not hamstring ourselves here.

I was only suggesting that by calling my W a cum sucking whore, even if she actually behaved that way, only have value to me and to the words until they are no longer true. I don't think they are anymore and by using them it keeps those old thoughts/person alive.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
nuance
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Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

only have value to me and to the words until they are no longer true

It's funny how things are relative. The Cubs last world series title was in 1908 but they always will be world champions. The Mariners on the other hand...

[This message edited by nuance at 11:14 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
5454real
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Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided very early after d-day to forgo using some of the more colorful descriptors of my wife. at least to her face. I was lucky in that she was one of the immediately remorseful ones. I couldn't see "piling on" more of the feelings that she was obviously already feeling about herself.

when I was alone, another story. of course I was not always as alone as I thought. 7 year old boys have an inmate sneakiness built in. there's an agreement and my house that for every obscenity uttered there is a one dollar fine.

I may have financed his first semester of college. ( and no, for those with delicate sensibilities, the connection was never made between his mother and the obscenities.)

yes there was definitely a time that I need to spew the violence and discuss or let it consume me. I was always concerned though that voicing it would influence my real feelings. if I truly felt some of the things that I uttered about her why in the hell would I ever want to try reconciliation?


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
tfkeel
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Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if I truly felt some of the things that I uttered about her why in the hell would I ever want to try reconciliation?

I was different. I didn't say them, but I DID feel them.

And, after 27 years, my feelings toward her have not changed a bit.

My attempt at reconciliation was "for the kids", to "please God", to "be a good witness".

I really wasn't too keen on the idea of sucking some other guy's dick by proxy.

What I really wanted to do was to leave her whore ass with no husband, no kids, no house, and no money.

What I did was continue to allow her the kids, the house, and some money. But, she had no husband, ever again.

Let me pose this question:

If what "caused" her to have an affair was ME, my failure to "love her as Christ loved the church", the fact that I only had a 6-inch cock instead of 9, that I couldn't manage to enter her from the rear, that she had to "bring herself down to my level" sexually.... then why did SHE want to attemt reconciliation?

[This message edited by tfkeel at 5:37 AM, April 8th (Monday)]


Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Ascendant
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Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel as though I'm losing my fight with my anger. I am consumed with angry thoughts and rage nearly all of the time. It only really stops when I'm too exhausted to be angry. I've never been violent towards another human being outside of fighting with my brothers, and one fight when I was like 20. The violent thoughts towards OM (and ONLY him) are getting worse every day. My wife asks what's on my mind, so I told her....and now I guess she's scared of me and the stuff going on in my head...she grew up in a household with domestic violence. This subject was brought up in MC, but it seemed (to me anyway) that the MC's only concern was whether I thought I'd actually go through with it or not, not trying to assuage me in any meaningful way. I told her that I didn't think I would, but I didn't know what would happen if I found myself face-to-face with him. Which is true. But I keep putting myself into situations where I might run into him, on purpose. I saw OM get on the bus the other day and beat the bus to where he lives and sat a half a block away waiting for him to come home, deciding what I wanted to do. Nothing happened...but I feel like it's getting harder and harder to convince myself that I shouldn't do anything, that the ability to look myself in the eye as a man is not worth everything I'd lose and all the consequences. I don't know what to do. I have never (and would never act) acted in any sort of aggressive manner towards my wife, or past significant others....so her fear is, to me, unfounded.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
StillGoing
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Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry wert, I get you now.

I'm not sure if I actually have called my wife any names, really. I have described the shit she has done pretty viciously but I don't remember ever using pejoratives when speaking of her as a person.


But I keep putting myself into situations where I might run into him, on purpose. I saw OM get on the bus the other day and beat the bus to where he lives and sat a half a block away waiting for him to come home, deciding what I wanted to do. Nothing happened...but I feel like it's getting harder and harder to convince myself that I shouldn't do anything, that the ability to look myself in the eye as a man is not worth everything I'd lose and all the consequences. I don't know what to do. I have never (and would never act) acted in any sort of aggressive manner towards my wife, or past significant others....so her fear is, to me, unfounded.

First... the thing about uncontrolled rage is that you aren't going to control it. Which means you're dead sure you won't clobber your wife if your shit explodes but the truth is we don't know that.

You aren't trying to control the situation, either, if you're intentionally putting yourself into a place where you can set that bomb off. You're trying to sow some chaos because you're pissed off, hurt and confused and so you're throwing shit out there hoping something will happen soon.

IMO, what you need to do is make an effort to avoid the OM, not go out of your way to see him - because you know you will beat his ass. Accept what you said, that you are not sure what will happen if you see him, and so accept that something very fucking bad will happen to him physically and you legally if you do meet. Your control over that situation is limited. You have to bend your will on that shit up against a bunch of primal chemicals telling you to rip his head off and invent a new sport with it.

So you control your situation by avoiding him. Fuck it man, be angry at his ass. Let the hate flow through you. I hear way too much about how we shouldn't hate, and we should try not to hate, and blah blah fucking blah. The thing about letting hate flow through is that it don't get bottled up and sit there like poison. That kind of hate gets all Sith and shit and then you're shooting lightning out of your cock and killing small dogs to replenish magic power or something.

Take away the effort of trying to not hate him. Fuck that. He's worth hating. Put your effort into enjoying your days. If he pops into your head, grin and daydream about nailing his scrotum to a grizzly snout for a few minutes but keep part of your mind on shit you want to do that you will enjoy that doesn't put you in jail.

From a brain space thing, the thoughts are getting worse because you are trying to not hate the dude. That means you think about him constantly. That means your brain rewrites that fuckhead over and over and reinforces it. It's a chemical feedback loop. You break that by supplying something else. Instead of sitting and waiting for him at the bus stop, go chop some firewood. Pretend it's his head if you want. Paint a car while you listen to tunes and imagine running him down if you like.

The activity you are engaged in is what your brain has to focus on. Since you are tuned into rage on this guy, everything is associated with that. IMO you need to occupy yourself with other shit to start tuning him out. Worry about de-associating this guy once you have enough tools to do it. Operate in survival mode until you get there.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

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