I have sent Facebook messages to his mom and live-in girlfriend.
I left messages on his BlackBerry asking him to quit his job -- he works with my wife -- and messages at work for him to check the BlackBerry.
I want him to be as paranoid as he made me.
Suggestions are welcome.
I saw you had posted earlier that you thought we were all about revenge. Sure, we all want it. Male hormones and all that. Not the answer. The real problem is much closer to home. The discussion in the last few pages has actually been about the best method for recovery. Whether or not the healing of self takes priority over the healing of the marriage. The general consensus, though arrived at from different directions, seems to be(to me at least) that YOU need to heal from the A first. WW can assist, but she brought this shitstorm on.
Going back to your question, no, no advice other than writing out a movie script as jjct mentioned. Feel free to indulge yourself, make it as nasty as you wish. DON'T act on it. Exposing the affair, sure. Like a fungus, affairs tend to shrivel and die when exposed to the light of day.
There are other issues to contend with.
Yeah man, listen. Outside of the stuff concerned with who's actually to blame and all that jazz, there are real *practical* problems with the revenge issue...that it if it's a perfectly legal means of revenge, why wouldn't they just come back around and do it to you as well? Because I can almost guarantee that they're an unrepentant douchebag, so they're not likely to just 'take their lumps' (metaphorically) and slink off into the night, you know? They probably felt justified having sex with your wife, and so they're not going to feel as though they deserved it if you were to 'punish' them. They're going to feel wronged, and want their payback as well. It just doesn't end. Trust me, I'm only 3 months out, so this stuff rolls around in my head at least a few times a day. Any type of complicated revenge scheme where you probably won't get into legal trouble will probably still result in POSOM knowing that it was you, and hence wanting revenge. And the illlegal, but simple ones (i.e. just smashing him in the face one good time) can have long-lasting and potential catastrophic legal and financial ramifications for you. The only thing worse than having him have sex with your wife, is him having sex with your wife AND winning a civil suit for a bunch of money against you. Unless you're independently wealthy and can afford such frivolities, as well as not having to worry about being employed...and if that's your situation....ummm...I have no idea.
ETA- I've told myself this: that I'm not going to go out of my way to do anything (thought I do really, really struggle with it sometimes), but if a chance to really, really ruin him at no expense to myself comes along, I'd probably take it. I can't think of any situations where it would really happen, but life is weird sometimes, and weird shit happens.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 12:38 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]
Sure, you may be justified.
Sure, that voice of justification can be loud enough to drown out that inner voice of knowledge
(that there's pay back, balance, karma, or you stole from the 'vengeance is mine' -guy)...
But it's still not a good idea because you'd have to hang your hat on that justifying - as long as that mirror's voice whispers.
It whispers long and long my friends!
I'd rather think of you all moving on, moving through...healing and being better than ever in life,
than having to deal with drowning out that daMN whisper.
Take the long view, it's a better way to live. Well.
I have thought of revenge on the OM plenty of times. I even drove by his house. Glad I didn't stop, there is no way it would have ended well for either one of us.
He is not worth any more of my time or energy. Take the high road.
Here is a quote I have always liked:
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves
I've only posted on this thread a few times but have found it's the only one with any representation of a dude's perspective.
I'm D'ed, tried (false R) for 9 months, exWW is still with OM - they live together in my old house and have my kids 1/2 the time. This past week he FINALLY made an appearance at my youngest's softball games. I tried to 'meet' him many times over the last years and finally gave up thinking he was avoiding me. Surprised how unaffected I am now.
My question for you, and not to thread jack, is about dating.
I've been seeing a gal regularly (4 hour LDR) for about 6 weeks and things are going ok. She wants more, I want less, we're honest and know the issues but have agreed it's worth pursuing. She's the kinda girl you could take home to momma: smart, great job, etc. BUT, she has never been married and wants kids. We know this is an issue but, again, are in that 'lets see how it goes' phase. We have both said we're exclusive.
Well, for the last year I've had a crush on a local girl and last night several of her friends said she was interested in me. I didn't think I had a chance with her. She is also smart and has a great job and gives me that 'OMG' sexual urge that gal # 1 does not.
I've never been in this situation before and don't want to do anything that resembles infidelity.
I wanna get to know gal #2 and see if there's a potential there but I'm not sure how to deal with gal #1. Ideally, I'd like to 'sneak' in a date with the new girl to see how it goes but that sounds wrong. I THINK I should just be straight with gal #1 but I'm pretty sure that would end things.
Ultimately, I have these feelings so it must be important to tell gal 1, right?
I know it sounds like I know what to do but I'd appreciate some dudes perspectives.
[This message edited by Gomphus at 8:40 AM, April 14th (Sunday)]
It's so hard to live like this. Well, one hour at a time.
I feel as though I did as best as I could do.
After telling the other BW in mid January, I kept in close communication with her, got to know her pretty well, and talked with her on and off for several weeks for several hours.
I stroked her, affirmed her, I validated her, I wrote her a long email giving the main SI takeaways and ideas, this website name and others.
I was her BFF and a key point of support.
Eventually I had to concede that it made no sense for us to keep in contact. In our last pow wow she said what a great guy I was and what a colossal disappointment her WH was. The 'disappointment' word is about to worst I think. So we said goodbye and established NC.
A week later her WH commandeered her cell phone and sent me a message telling me to "go 'f' myself". Hah!
Oh, and she filed.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 12:55 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]
As far as the revenge thing goes, anything you do will be a type of relief to the OP. If you beat the crap out of him, he will know why, but also know that it is over with. You can actually fuck them up even more by remaining a shadowy menacing figure, because they know that you have to do something, they expect it, they wonder what it will be, and when it is coming. With very little effort you can continue to fuck with them long after you have forgotten about them, because they still expect it could come at any point. You know, provided you can pull off that calm detached derision when you do see them.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
She's had a tough, tough time dealing with all this, and after a nightmare weekend last week, I finally had to send an email to my XMIL. Here's what I had to say:
This is a difficult email to send to you. (XW) told me NOT to contact any of her family; in fact, she said “Stop communicating with MY family. They are not your family anymore. They are trying to be nice but don’t want you”. She said the last time I contacted you she got “bitched out”. It’s NOT my intention to get you or (XFIL) angry with her or “tell” on her. I’m just VERY concerned that she’s in a bad place.
This weekend was bad – really bad. At one point Saturday night she sent me 24 texts in a row, and I responded twice (and I have taken pictures of all of these texts I’m referencing if you ever wish to see one). She accused me of sleeping around during our marriage, insulted me sexually several times, and said I could not see the kids on my birthday because it was “her” day.
She sent an apology text the next morning (yesterday), which was good to hear. Then later in the day, she sent me a text telling me all she did for my Mom when she was dying of cancer (she made a statement last week that she was “praying for cancer” which I told her I found offensive). I asked her not to talk about my mother, and she lost it. She sent me more insulting texts, and again said I could forget about seeing the kids on my birthday. She also said my Mom would be “ashamed and disappointed” of how I acted. At that point I did curse at her and told her to only send me texts about the kids. She then said “stop calling them your kids. As far as I’m concerned you’re a sperm doner”
She dropped the kids off at six (which was another “punishment”, as she agreed to drop them off a little earlier that morning) and then texted me saying she had a date (which is fine, of course). Then, about 9:30 (and I know this is hard to hear), she texted me saying she had had sex with three people since she had moved out, one of whom is a mutual friend (wasn’t hard to figure out – it was ******) and started insulting me sexually again. I’m not going to lie, this hurt to hear, and I know that was her intention. At this point I became worried and tried to talk to her, saying that this isn’t like her and she’s going to regret this. I also asked her if she was still medicating, and she said she was.
She started sending me texts again this morning which are very disturbing (and again, I know this is hard to hear – in fact it KILLS me to hear, but I’m telling you verbatim what she’s saying). She said: “Guys don’t offer love, they just want sex. I can finally provide that” “I’ll just be single and fuck a lot of guys. Apparently that’s all I’m good at – it’s what I do now. Guys like my body. It’s all I have left. I’ll just die alone”
Also disturbing are some things the kids have told me, unsolicited. Son #1 said he accidently broke the kindle charger last week and she screamed “Why do you ruin everything” in his face and threw his Kindle down twice on the floor, chipping its case. He also said she again told him that “Dad wanted the divorce”, and “I want to be together as a family, do you think I like living here?” He said yesterday that she said “What kind of man kicks his wife out of their house?” and that he now feels sorry for Mom because she didn’t want the divorce and she’s out of the house. Just this morning, again, unsolicited, (daughter) said “Dad, Mom said she kind of hates you” which the boys both confirmed.
I’m afraid my fears are being realized and if this keeps up, I may have to file for custody. Again, I’m NOT doing this to get her in trouble with you. I just need someone close to her to know the extent of what’s going on. She needs HELP. I’ve texted her over and over that I’m worried about her and I care about her and she just says “You never loved me”.
I know she’s going to be livid about this letter, but I don’t care – she’s already angry, and it’s not just about me and her. Our kids, your grandkids, are involved too!
Status: Divorced and relieved
I’ve texted her over and over that I’m worried about her and I care about her
You're just feeding the beast.
Even though I'm happy to be away, it's hard to see someone you love(d) so down. And, it's hard to think about someone you love(d) slutting it up.
*We* get that your ex is a fucking fruitcake, abusive mother, sociopath-in-training, etc., etc. She'll never be any less to them than *their* daughter.
Which makes gory details about her sexual behavior look like muckraking.
I'd advise you to keep communication with them cool and professional -- "If you get a chance, please check on your daughter. I'm concerned that she's not transitioning well." -- and save the gory details for your lawyer, should it come to that.
Her parents aren't your allies here, no matter how much they might be roused to worry about their daughter's behavior. You need to distance yourself from her drama and protect your kids.
Do not engage her. Do not answer her texts. Confront her on things with the children -- either f2f in a public place, or through your lawyer -- but your primary goal should be detaching from her death spiral and protecting your kids from the inevitable collateral damage she's going to inflict as she flames out.
They were actually really receptive to me. They are under no illusions about her behavior the last three years, and in fact have asked me to let them know if / when things get bad.I did include the sexual details because it was very shocking and unlike her...a huge red flag
I met with her FIL yesterday, as well as a short talk with my XWW. We decided to sit on things and not say anything about it to her for now. She has calmed down a bit since this weekend, and actually sent me a nice text yesterday evening saying that she appreciated what I had to tell her (of course then she sends texts saying she's going on a fourth run today, and that "anorexia is not considered suicide...it ensures you get 100,000 for the kids" and "I just give up. I was obviously not lovable enough", so now sounds like she' back to being suicidal)
She's going with Son #1 to his counselor today, and then to the (mandatory) divorcing parent class tonight. Maybe those back-to-back will wake her up a bit.