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User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444,

Sorry brother. Her lying and projections onto you should be enough for you to know that she is no longer your ally. If you are up to hearing them, I have a couple of words of wisdom for your mental health. I do not mean to come of as preaching, but I often do. I guess I never dropped that trait from my days in the Navy.

Anyway, it is clear that your wife is really struggling.She needs professional help and you cannot fix her. Please, please, please, have your head tell that to your heart - because you CANNOT FIX HER. And the more you cling to your thought process (if I wasn't here, she would be xxxxx), the worse the outcome for both of you.

The prescription is detachment. You can love her and care about her in your heart, but you have to remove yourself from her spiral of destruction. She is just going to drag you further down the hellhole. Then what good what that do your kids? Their Mom is dysfunctional. Dad has to be the stable one.

Quit engaging her in text or any other form of communication except for finances and kids. If she brings up the Woe-is-me stuff again, just say I am sorry you feel that way and move on. Engagement just means more hell for you with NO SOLUTION for her. She has to find it in herself and I think that will take professional help.

Further, if you have not seen a lawyer, you really need to. This is no longer about the marriage, it is about providing a safe environment for your kids. And she is not safe. She is spending their security and risking their lives. She may be the mother of your kids and you may still want her on that pedestal, but that is NOT where she is.

Finally, you really need to put your focus on you and your kids. She wants to draw you into her misery and drama. If you stay there, you are going to be mentally destroyed. STOP and think about your children the next time you think you need to save their Mother at your own expense. What good what that do them losing BOTH parents effectively.

Sarge, you need to practice the advise I am sure you would give to any of your men. Stay safe, be prepared for her to engage you in battle, figure out a strategy to minimize collateral damage, and protect you and yours. She is no longer yours and she is making herself the enemy.

Blessings and strength to you. You will need them.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey 444,

My general impression of your story:

1. I do get the sense that your WW wants your M and to keep the family together. She probably does not really understand what M really entails though (maturity issue).

2. She stokes me as a wounded, wild animal that has been cornered. It is desperate and scared. It will strike out irrationally. Like a post above, you need to keep your distance to avoid getting bitten.

3. You need to figure out some way to create a sense of safety for your WW to come clean and begin healing without her taking that safety to pretend nothing happened. Maybe stop verbal confrontations about the A. Stop rational conversation. Remember, she is a wounded animal. I might suggest merely giving a due date for a full written confession with a scheduled polygraph subsequent to that for verification. Tell her that if she passes, then you are willing to try to R if there is NC, etc. the written aspect might help if she is afraid of all conflict right now.

4. Others are right, you can't fix her; you can only adjust and control yourself and the environment.

Good luck.

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really screwed up
Thanks for the advice. I accept any preaching that anyone has to contribute which is why I am posting on here. Obviously I need a boot in the ass. You are absolutely right about her being cornered. She is in a really bad spot right now. As a wife, mother, and with legal issues. I understand her not wanting to divulge information. She is immature. She thinks I may use it against her as if there isn't already enough anyway. She has been getting help but at this time she wants to see a psychiatrist but can't because it may contraindicate the rehab. She is volatile when I breach the subject. Emotional, angry, upset, and walls go up immediately. Then she pops smoke and withdraws. I am caring for our children and her father moved in at my request. We get along well and he was approved as a visitation supervisor.
I know she isn't being honest. I think she's scared of the repercussions. I've tried every way to ease those fears. I've used all different kinds of tact that I've seen practiced here to no a avail. I've gotten a little. Some TT. Shit when Initially asked her how many times she had sex she said "not enough" the. Explained that he had a hard time getting it up or going a second round" she tried to arouse him and he said go to sleep. She came home. She said he gave good oral. Yeah I know, too much. I said fat chicks give good head.
Anyway I'm am the king of frickin timing. She started her period today. No shit. When she left she went to the local church(GPS) then came home and climbed into bed. I went up to see if she was ok. She was. I then went to the grocery store and grilled steaks and hot dogs, even brought home 2 live lobsters. Now she wants to be close on the couch and watch a movie. I'm good at putting out the fire and doing an after action review on what worked and what didn't. Obviously so does she but I'm not going to let it escalate to defcon 5. I do believe she wants us to work but she is struggling. However ill make that decision when it comes.
I spoke to my lawyer. He says custody is a home run. We talked about spousal support, pension, etc. if it gets out of hand ill seek child support though it won't be much. Remember when she was in the A she wanted just the car out of mediation. Nothing else. She was deep in the fog. There is definitely NC. He's in the wind and she can't even drive, her phone was cut off, no job etc. as you and MC said she's cornered. She dug herself a huge hole. Her position is a bit different than other WW's.
I'm doing the best that I can for the kids and ultimately it may be better if I had her extracted from the situation. I do need to stop engaging but I'm going to have to know eventually or cut my losses. I don't know if she's ever going to talk.
BTW thanks for your service!

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 8:07 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rsu7 gave you good advice 444, especially:
Quit engaging her in text or any other form of communication except for finances and kids

Really, the whole post.

Mine did the emotional vomit/popping smoke histrionics, including the 'wish you were dead' crap.
I used the pain - helped me detach.
Are you thinking; 'she was just in a bad mood' or 'she didn't really mean it'?

Minimize damage to you & your "troops".
You're exposing your team to fire for what? More? Information?
At some point, you need to realize you know enough.
She's crazy and emotionally abusive. The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

You're approaching the target - the enemy - on little cat's feet, playing nice, cuppa coffee...it's not working. You're just exposing yourself to more flak.
Disengage. 180.
Retreat. NC.

No one deserves abuse.
You deserve better.


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're exposing your team to fire for what? More? Information?
At some point, you need to realize you know enough.
She's crazy and emotionally abusive. The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

JJ great analogy. It's like clearing a minefield. I get nothing but anger and grief when I try. She can be a a great mood but as soon as I bring anything up I'm the bad guy and she falls apart.

You're approaching the target - the enemy - on little cat's feet, playing nice, cuppa coffee...it's not working. You're just exposing yourself to more flak.
Disengage. 180.
Retreat. NC.

Yeah. Doesn't work. No matter how I bring it up. She refuses to talk about anything and gas lights me. In addition shell turn it around and accuse me of fabricating an incident to give her grief.

No one deserves abuse.
You deserve better.

Thanks

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 8:00 AM, April 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
2fwd1back
♂ New Member
Member # 39131
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long time lurker and first time poster looking for some help/advice/support/kick in the ass from the experts here. I will apologize ahead for the length and amount of questions as I am lost and I would like to know if what and how my A was exposed and handled perhaps adds to my difficulties over the last 9-10 months.

My wife and I are lifelong sweethearts since we were 16-17 (now 40) and she is the only woman I have ever been with. We never had the worries of an A in our minds. My wife is witty and the type of gal that could have good girl friends, but always had a funny (but dirty) mind that particularly made her funny with the guys and always a straight shooter. She came out of college and had some small jobs but never a full time “career” before we had children and was a GREAT SAH mom for 10 years (S11 and D8) until 2011 when she rejoined the work force. I was very excited for her and proud as she had to return to school for specialized training. I was also excited that she would experience a career and (full disclosure) I could stop working two jobs as I have been for 20 years. Her new job is within a “service” vocation so she needs to “sell herself” and relies on commissions…but LOVED and still loves her job. She did tell me on occasions that I would not like who she is at times there and she was with generally younger but definitely people of questionable morals/marriage history (RED FLAG BELL WHISTLE, but I never worried as an A was never even a blip).She frequently would talk about the men at her work with me to the point I felt like I almost knew them.

Our sex life had been getting progressively worse since my D was born and particularly over the last couple years when it would average about once a month (mainly my fault between jobs and interest, pitiful I know), but we were always and are in LOVE and we always had each other’s best interest at heart(or so I thought). We were always intimate in the sense we would always hold each other, kiss, hug, cuddle etc. We would always tell each other stories, convey our love and communicate with each other. We never had any conversations about her being unhappy in the marriage and we are reaching critical mass. I thought it was something that we would get to and I even went to the Dr 6 months before the A for it and gotten diagnosed with low testosterone, but had not begun treatment yet.Anyway…

D day one was June 17, 2012 (father’s day). I had taken the kids for a long weekend trip since she had to work evening shift and also weekends. I tried to do things with the kids and occupy them on weekends to support her in her job and so they weren’t as affected by her loss, until she got a better schedule (or perhaps she wanted this schedule to maintain her alternate life). She called me to tell me that she loaned a coworker money (one I knew from her stories) so that he would not get into trouble with his wife and wanted to let me know since it would be missing from our account (not a lot of money but enough). Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, and it was not that she was giving a guy money, but the fact that she would help cover something up from another wife. THIS WAS NOT MY WIFE. And when I pointed it out to her she became very quiet and said she did not think of it that way, but saw my point. By the time I got home I went into full PI mode looking at all bank accounts (the ATM she withdrew from was right around the corner from his house) and she missed a brief note she left herself questioning what OMwould have to give up. To be honest I still wasn’t sure, as this could not be us and simply texted her that she had some explaining to do when she got home. She admitted that day that she had an EA with him over the last couple months, but they both decided it was not right and they loved their spouses and ended it. I was a MESS and went through all the pain and agony most men have. She at first did not think I should be that upset as “nothing happened,” but was crying, extremely contrite and was very sorry (I do not doubt any of this). While at the time I had no idea what an EA was, I quickly did research and presented it to her to which she looked at with me and then understood why it was so damaging. I was committed to moving on and within days NC rules were initiated and was wrestling with if I should contact OMW. I finally decided on I would definitely want the call, but told my wife OM had one week to tell her first, let him know. I called he did not tell her. I only mention this because all other D days were as a result of this continued contact. Both BS were committed to moving on and believed it was only an EA. All they had to do was stay away from each other and let the healing begin. As to the why it was multiple issues… The lack of an active sex life made her question her value and attractiveness. The lack of sexual intimacy she says filtered into different parts of our marriage and the men there made her feel worthy, wanted, important, valuable etc. I also think she got a lot at once in the sense of a career, opportunity to cheat, the right environment (was propositioned multiple times there) etc. to facilitate this behavior and was not prepared to handle it. This is not to say that either one of us think it’s an excuse.

D day two was three weeks later I, by chance, tracked her phone that day after work and she stayed in the parking lot of her work for over an hour after her shift. She got home to break down and claim again “I don’t know why I am f*ing this up” was sorry and that they had kissed during this “one time” event (more bells I know). Next day BS phone conference again. OMW kicks OM out. Still reeling but trying to make it work again I get text a few days later from OMW that she needs to talk to me. In the three weeks after the first D day I find what you would expect, thousands of texts, over a 100 of hours of phone conversations. Killer is I PAY THE CELL PHONE BILL. If I only would have thought to look or suspected something when she suddenly began deleting her emails and texts months ago “to simplify her life.” (I know more bells and whistles). I never suspected my wife EVER of ANYTHING at ANYTIME with ANYONE.

D day three is next day (lots of calls between W and OM) and he decides he is coming clean to his W to try and save his marriage. I get same call from W that day (only spurred on by him, she begged him not to tell, said it would kill me). Long story short now its a PA that consists of about 6 meet ups of oral sex (mutual). Not sure how to process this, should I be happy it was only OS, should I be pissed because it was very rare for me to get it, does it really matter? Anyway…OK now we have it that’s it, it is all on the table, finally. I begged her to just tell me if it was a PA from day one when she claimed it was an EA. Told her it would be easier if it just was a PA. At least 100 times I told her to tell me. My wife was never a liar, not really in her, but clearly she was a master in waiting and this still haunts me.

BUT WAIT….there is more,Ginsu has nothing on me… D day 4…couple days later OM calls me, apparently there was one guy before him, another coworker…SERIOUSLY???? I mean I get it, I am sure OMW says you will tell me this info to f*ck my wife over, don’t blame her in the least. Question wife…its true..yay! same MO, OS 3-4 times.

Well that’s my story, sorry for the length of it. We have been the process of R over the last 9 months. We have good and bad days and maybe weeks. We see a MC. My wife takes on full responsibility for ruining our lives, says it’s on her for destroying 2 families and must live with it. Also lives with the daily fear that I am going to leave. Says the right things…but how does that translate into actions other than NC and keeping straight?MC and her agree that she was still living the lie throughout the multiple D days and she looks back now and says she cannot believe that was her. Wife and MC knew each other professionally prior and MC says she is objective, I believe her and for the most part like her, although do frequently get reminded “I” have to move on, “I “ have to trust, “I” need to stop comparing and a “we’ need to communicate, but I don’t recall a “she” needs very often…just sayin. I do not argue with the advice and think its sound but have asked my wife what is it that she needs to do?

I have recognized my role as not making her feel “pretty” and attractive to me and feel I have addressed these issues and am on testosterone (huge difference) so I am the primary initiator to the point she actually says I want it too much (same woman that used to say to me she thought about sex every day…now not so much).

I clearly still have issues and to some extent wind up comparing myself to the men in the A (less now than before, it was paralyizing), the fact that they freely got OS and I question her true intentions/interest in me? I actually got “yelled” at by the MC in therapy that I must stop the comparison because I will always lose. Our first 3-6 months after the A had a lot of hysterical bonding with tons of OS and regular sex. She says I needed it then, what the hell does that mean? I get the idea and it’s not so much a comparison but OS has become very sparse with us again. She claims it’s because she knows I am “keeping track.” She is not totally wrong, but it’s not so much keeping track as much as why not me after nothing for a month, she obviously liked to do it and has admitted as much? Am I being shallow? FYI, before the affair she would not do it frequently because she felt that I thought it was an “expectation.” Don’t know how many times I have told her it’s just that I liked it, she does not believe me. Part of me also says that if the roles were reversed I would be between her legs every week to put her at ease (I also love doing it), not her though, and I have told her this as well. Do I have to bear the burden of getting over this? Do I let this go and accept the way it was before the A?

Good news…is when we are doing well our marriage is better than it has ever been, I mean ever (we both agree to this), but it does not last.
Bad news…I am probably one of the most analytical people out there and try to get the “why” to everything so not a good BS personality. I am also not really in the forgiving and offering free trust business, but know I must get to a happy place for this to work. My wife has also made some concerning mis-steps in the process from initially telling me things like “I didn’t think you would be this upset over the PA, since you would not have to worry about doing it” Really?? And saying that me giving her more sexual attention did not feel natural coming from me and I should not try to be like OM. Seriously, like I would strive in my head to be more like that piece of garbage. And most recently she said “It’s a shame it took the A for me to do something” which she quickly recanted, refused to repeat and says it was only meant to mean that our whole situation is a shame. I in turn have also been guilty of calling her some pretty disgusting things over the last 9 months.

I look at some posts about wives who have cheated and see the spectrum from: they left and never came back to some that post about how they know they killed the marriage and work every day at making their husbands forgive them. My wife is neither, but somewhere more towards the latter. If I want information about talks with the therapist or with her friend about the A, I must ask. I am tired of asking, what if I miss something…just tell me f*ing everything. I was tired of asking if she had NC at work after the A, but inevitably I would have to then too. Do I trust her, yes cautiously.Am I Sure, no. Do I blame myself for that or have to be, no I don’t think so. Do I still “look into things,” yup and she knows it. Truth is I have to trust her to some extent because if she really wanted to, she could get away with it again, she forgets that quite often, when she asks for trust.

Do I want this marriage to work…yes? Do I have concerns, YES? Can it just be me, am I holding back the process? Do I need to work harder? Forgive and accept more? Am I doomed? Has there been too much damage? Is this normal for 9-10 months after my multiple D DAYS?

The thought of losing my wife and family really kills me. The thought of her with another man or moving on kills me but I honestly do not know if that’s stronger or the hatred of what she has done to our marriage which is dead in its true form (or if I actually hate her to some extent). I love her dearly, but do I deserve more? Am I expecting too much and being vengeful? Am I looking at this like you f*ked up and you must pay?

So why the post now? I wonder if I have been trying to get through this the “right” way if there is such a thing. My wife and I lately have more heated arguments, usually over the way I feel she treats or is interested in me and trust/information exchange. Currently we are in different bedrooms for the last 5 days and am pursuing me taking care of me and trying to figure this out.

Thank you all for your read and insight.


BH (me), 40
WW, 39
M 15 years, T 24 years
2 kids, 11 & 9
DDay 1 6/12 EA
DDay 2 7/12 Actually a PA
DDay 3 7/12 Wellllll... Actually a PA with 2 guys
In MC, Attempting R

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: USA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, even in the incredibly unlikely event it was "just" oral sex, you still need to get tested for STD's and is another dude's dick in her MOUTH any better than her vag? That's not a good minimizer once you think about it.

I believe her and for the most part like her, although do frequently get reminded “I” have to move on, “I “ have to trust, “I” need to stop comparing and a “we’ need to communicate, but I don’t recall a “she” needs very often…just sayin. I do not argue with the advice and think its sound but have asked my wife what is it that she needs to do?

You don't need to do jack shit until she demonstrates she's safe to do so for and with. It would be bugfuck crazytown to trust her before she has amply and often demonstrated she is trustworthy, and "moving on" involves processing all the shit she did so it doesn't haunt you for decades. Knock it out now so it doesn't fester and poison everything later. That can take years, but better than decades.

If I want information about talks with the therapist or with her friend about the A, I must ask. I am tired of asking, what if I miss something…just tell me f*ing everything.

Unfortunately she couldn't even if she wanted to. There's just too much info. There will be times you wonder if she stopped for a coffee, if she and the OM had a favorite bug, weird shit that comes and goes for the most honest of people. WAL wrote a good post about that back there. So for now you go through being angry, pissed and suspicious, investigating and questioning.

Try to aim for her sharing and volunteering info as much as she can, though. Because it includes you in her narrative (that's wordtheft and I am okay with that), which slowly writes over all that A shit. It brings you into her private world by trusting you with scary, hurtful things she's afraid of sharing.

Don't expect her to know how to do that overnight, but it is a process you both participate in. What it looks like is messy, painful and arduous because the process is about learning to trust and taking all those missteps and fumbles in talking and worrying.

You aren't holding up anything unless it's out of fear and doubt, which are rational emotions to feel in the wake of this shit. Her actions should reflect her efforts to assuage those fears and doubts in every way she can to show you she wants to be with you and is willing to make herself safe to trust and be with. If she's not doing that then you have to decide if you want to be with someone who isn't willing to put in her effort to save the marriage she scuttled, and no matter how hard you paddle, her end of the boat is just gonna keep sinking unless she gets off her ass and helps.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7117 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444

Have you considered your WW may be bipolar?

Mine was, and the symptoms seem to be there: excessive drinking, excessive spending, all sorts of mood swings and self-destructive behaviors.

The texts you posted could have been written by my FWW - the familiarity of them made me feel a pit in my stomach. Same self pitying, same victimization, same passive aggression...amazing.

Sorry to say, as is the case in a high percentage of bi-polar marriages, we couldn't save ours. The destructive behaviors never improved, and in fact became worse in many ways. Our D just became "official" a couple of weeks ago and I'm moving on without a gorilla on my back

Good luck, dude...


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2fwd1back

My W and I did some MC and I heard a lot about winning the WS back. I cannot begin to tell how mad that made me. Despite this my W gain an entitled attitude to boot. I fired the MC.

Just from an objective point the fact that your W knew the MC before is a serious breach of professional ethics. How is she supposed to be impartial ? Does she hold your W to task for anything ? You are just supposed to get passed this ?

Sorry man, You have options, but I would seek another MC. Tell your wife that you feel like you are being painted the perpetrator when in fact it was you who was betrayed. If she really wants the M, she will listen.

The current MC seems to be laying resentment bombs all over the place.


she cannot believe that was her.

But it was her. A good MC would point that out. Any time I have said that to my IC he calls me on it.

I actually got “yelled” at by the MC in therapy that I must stop the comparison because I will always lose.

Really ? Just really ? This MC yells at you and tells you that you are going to "lose." Wow. Fire that MC, fire them today.

Doesn't hold your W to task on anything, no action to speak of, allows her to detach from the situation by saying she doesn't know who she was. By the by you seem to have a lot to do. Why are you paying the price for your W choices ? You can own half of the marital responsibilities, but many other options available to her that are much less damaging.

I think your W picked an MC that knew her and had trouble being objective and would take her side and make you do all of the work. Pretty sweet deal for her. In other words painting the picture of this is your fault, which it is not. I am raging for you.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Canon
I had been reading about your predicament for awhile and definitely related to your story.
Your a strong guy and have been through a terrible ordeal. I appreciate your advice.
I definitely think my WW is bi polar along with a few other things. Narcissist, manic depression, and a few other genetic addiction type behaviors. It's my fault to a degree, I kind of saw some behavior before my marriage but u figured what the hell.
I may be heading down the D path. Some days it is so inviting. Congrats on yours. Your leading the way. Give us some inspiration with some good post D stories. I think our hardest part is severing our co dependency and reclaiming our manhood.
Today was WW's did positional hearing. Judge modified her stay away order to a refrain from with 10 hours of unsupervised visitation a week. She still has to do rehab and family violence classes and a mental health evaluation. Well see what happens. So far she's jumping through all the hoops but at this time as you've witnessed the past few days she hasn't owned anything. As long as I don't bring it up its like nothing happened.
My former military wife, were still friends, advised to camo up and put my ghilli suit on, roll myself in sugar, and be cool until the trial is over. Then serve papers. Well see.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE:
So get this
I'm on the phone with former wife
WW is asking who I'm talking to.
I tell her
WW gets pissed and now has an attitude. I'm like screw this. I'm going out. It's my night off and I'm not going to spend it with a storm cloud

I go out for 2 jack and cokes. I'm by myself. I had fun talking to a Vietnam veteran at the bar.
I come home at 1:30. I ask WW to leave the bedroom. I was going to watch TV. I really just wanted her gone. She gets upset. Calls ex wife names. Calls my daughter a bitch. Rifles through my pockets. Tells me to enjoy my girlfriend. Then adds " at least I won't have to suck your dick anymore" I responded its not like you don't have others to suck.
"She says yeah he was much larger than you and he fit. "
Guys I have no problem with myself. I've ha plenty of compliments. No issues there. This was a stab. But whatever it stung. I admit it because that is way out of order.
She left for some little job this morning helping a friend sell scented oils. I told her that's it. She's out. When she gets home find a place to go. She's not welcome here anymore.
I told her dad. He thinks I'm over reacting. It's his daughter. And think of the kids. I'm like dude. I've tried. It's over. He's like we both say hurtful things and I'm like this is the toughest thing I've dealt with from all aspects. Of course you've seen me a bit upset but considering the circumstances I'm still ok. I apologized that he has to see that. I added that she has never apologized. If it was his daughter getting beat on and I was getting arrested, if I was being a verbal abuser, cheating on her I'd be a monster. Why is it acceptable this way? And of course the kids won't be happy but it will be better. Sucks huh? What a low blow. She always said he was flaccid, couldn't keep it up etc. now it's a weapon against me in an argument. I didn't believe that bullshit anyway. But he still pissed himself.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 9:49 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've kind of talked about this topic before, recently, as far as the cracks on guys' dicks go.

I am in the odd situation of having seen OM's dick (via email picture), and while it was certainly among the more uncomfortable experiences of my life, it's at least somewhat comforting to know that we're about the same "size", more or less. It doesn't REALLY matter, anyway.

In any case, I feel like women in our culture are conditioned to think that insulting a guy's dick size is akin to a "flawless victory" in Mortal Kombat...total devastation in terms of embarrassment, so when they decide to "go nuclear", that's the direction they head in.

Doesn't really sting that much, because they're probably full of shit anyway. If your dick "didn't fit" as she so subtly put it, then the real joke's on her, because all this time you were married she could've been out there searching for the giant magical penis that will finally make her feel like a whole person, and meanwhile she's been wasting 13 years putting your 'barely-adequate' dick in her various orifices...I'm sure it felt great to you the whole time, 444, so who is really the one who should be upset?

I'm far more likely to be insecure about my 'ugly' traits that speak badly about me as a person. Weight, lack of knowledge on a subject, bad social skills, what have you...because those are things I could change, if I wanted to (and weren't so damned lazy.) Hearing someone tell me that I could be a lot more successful if I were more motivated and focused is more hurtful than hearing that my dick doesn't fit in your worn-out vagina.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 3:48 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Betrayed444
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Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks face
And I know it's bullshit , and this is TMI, because my dick doesn't fit in her ass. I got there before but she was in so much pain I couldn't go there again. So touché to her.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
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Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm, I popped (had to double check to make sure I didn't write pooped) down her at the perfectly awesome moment. Now I have nothing to add.

She just needed to learn to relax.

ETA to add that the phrase "popped down her" was supposed to read "popped down HERE" But I am gonna leave it...just cause.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 7:05 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


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Betrayed444
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Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm, I popped (had to double check to make sure I didn't write pooped) down her at the perfectly awesome moment. Now I have nothing to add.
She just needed to learn to relax.

OH SNAP!
Dude I even used almost a whole bottle of lube and several shots of tequila. She was traumatized!
My dick is so small she kept yelling
OW OW OW!!!!!!!
Ok I feel better

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 7:03 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]


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wincing_at_light
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Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slight aside:

444, man, you need to cut that "confiding in your ex" shit out, even if you are divorcing. You've got an intimate history with her, and you're bringing her into your current marriage. That is fire and gasoline, man.

Find someone else to confide in. Your ex should be off-limits while you sort yourself out. She's got a dog in the fight, and as you saw last night, it just gives your current wife ammo for deflecting and being a bitch.

And if your gut response to this is "you don't understand; what I have with my ex is different", then, yeah, it's exactly like that, and you know it.

Whatever happens going forward, you need to be making smart tactical decisions, and adding an ex to the mix is not one of them. She either becomes a flag your wife can raise in the divorce, or if you reconcile, a source of misery for you every time she comes up, because second wives don't let lingering attachments (especially when they sided against them) to first wives go easily.

If you choose this hill to die on, you're borrowing trouble for the future either way. When you're in the middle of marital shit, you can't have people you've fucked before in your inner circle.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
h0peless
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Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed444, none of this shit matters if you divorce the crazy bitch and get on with your life. You sound like the sort of guy who will have no trouble getting his shit together after divorce and she sounds like the kind of mother who would have a hard time getting custody of the kids.

I know it's easier said than done (I spent the first three months or so begging mine to come back) but there is life on the other side of this bullshit. You can't fix her and from what it sounds like, you don't need a whole lot of fixing.


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wincing_at_light
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Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dick is so small she kept yelling

The correct response here is, "statistically speaking, I have at least an average to above average penis. If you've got issues with its size, that would actually indicate that you have an inordinately cavernous vagina."

Guys are always worried about the size of their cock, which seems odd to me when the real public health issue seems to be an explosion of loose vaginas. I blame beef hormones.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 7:18 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Ascendant
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Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444, man, you need to cut that "confiding in your ex" shit out, even if you are divorcing. You've got an intimate history with her, and you're bringing her into your current marriage. That is fire and gasoline, man.

Find someone else to confide in. Your ex should be off-limits while you sort yourself out. She's got a dog in the fight, and as you saw last night, it just gives your current wife ammo for deflecting and being a bitch.

And if your gut response to this is "you don't understand; what I have with my ex is different", then, yeah, it's exactly like that, and you know it.

Whatever happens going forward, you need to be making smart tactical decisions, and adding an ex to the mix is not one of them. She either becomes a flag your wife can raise in the divorce, or if you reconcile, a source of misery for you every time she comes up, because second wives don't let lingering attachments (especially when they sided against them) to first wives go easily.

This is like my whole approach to relationships in general. I don't maintain relationships of any sort with any of my exGFs...not that we left things terribly, just because I've never seen a relationship that was ENHANCED by the presence of an ex-what-have-you. At best, the net effect is neutral, and that's usually because the person who doesn't like it is afraid to make it a deal breaker, so they just deal with it. My wife had a nasty habit of keeping in contact with one of her exes from way back and did so during her two relationships prior to ours. I expressed my dislike of it, but it wasn't until I broke up with her while she was pregnant with our child that she finally stopped talking to him. It's crazy to me that that's how far I had to take it, but I did. Now, granted, I don't have any kids with any of my exes, so I imagine that'd make the situation a tad more complicated.

The correct response here is, "statistically speaking, I have at least an average to above average penis. If you've got issues with its size, that would actually indicate that you have an inordinately cavernous vagina."

Ha. I love when the topic of dick size comes up in mixed company, and what the average is and whatnot (usually due to a magazine article or something), and every single woman acts like she's never seen one that small, like she's ONLY ran across 8+ inches in her kung-fu-like travels across the sexual landscape.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:05 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Cannon
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Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444

I think I've figured out the problem...we are each other's OM because we apparently married the same woman.

About a year ago in one of the old BM threads I posted that after one of the latest D-Days (I think the one where I found out the OM#1 wasn't just an EA, but a PA) she hit me with that one. I believe she said something like "Yeah, I had an orgasm with both of them and haven't ever with you because they're SO much bigger".

It was, indeed, a fatality. She cried and cried and apologized, but hearing that on top of the other news was too much that evening.

Thing is, since she knew it it me deep down (I mean, I've been insecure about that all my life and she knew it), she brought it up in another argument later that month - in front of the kids. Her stepfather heard her say it too when I had to come get her screaming, crazy self out of my house that night before I had her arrested.

Since she moved out March 9, she's been sending me ugly, harassing texts, and has mentioned a lack of size several times. SHe knows it hurts, but I just quit responding.

On another note, I got a great birthday present today...final set of papers and a small refund check from my lawyer. I think I'll blow it all on some good beer and booze


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


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