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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
Betrayed444
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Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 12:04 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
h0peless
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's playing the martyr card. Trying to get you to ride in on your white stallion to save her. Without her having to do the work. It's all your fault, you see? You were already planning on leaving her!

Frankly, I don't see any point in engaging her any further. She knows what she needs to do. You have laid that out very clearly. Don't let her play the victim card or try to manipulate you anymore.


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. The poor martyr. I just added more texts. She hasn't stopped and is using reverse psychology while blaming me. Desperate I'm jumping on the grenade tactic while conceding nothing. I'm still updating that prior post. Jeez guys I'm under attack!! Break this shit apart like the Jedi masters you are! I do feel that playing the other woman card really fucked with her head. That is a narcissist weakness. I used to really love my ex girlfriend years ago so this time I dropped her name like a nuke. WW was always extremely jealous of her. She was gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. I read the male primer where it talked about female competition. This tactic got through to her. I said to WW ex girlfriend was a tight little nympho who I was planning to contact once we split up.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 12:49 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

detach, betrayed, detach


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know!
Detaching and disengaging now
I seized upon last night to counter strike and play dirty.
I'm playing chess while she plays checkers.
I'm getting some solace out of it. I'm taking care of myself and my pride to let her see who holds the cards now.
It's an infantry tactic to lay down suppressive fire while you flank the enemy.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 12:53 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
h0peless
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is that you're creating collateral damage unnecessarily when a surgical strike would accomplish the task at hand without the extra destruction. You win by default. No need to keep poking the hornets nest.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that this may by the point where the military metaphors lose their relevance... because you win this whole thing by not engaging, period. All the comments and hurtful tactics, while completely understandable, also only prolong the power struggle, when there should be none. Like the advice on here says, if you're headed for D, just leave the conversations to finances or kids.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444, How familiar are you with Sun Tzu? I do think the military analogies can apply. However, pick the right ones!

"Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win". Sun Tzu


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
HoldingTogether
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Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed444
I'm playing chess while she plays checkers.

Chess, checkers, tic-tac-toe, fucking tiddley winks. Doesn't matter, she wins for the simple reason that you are choosing to play at all. You need to stop engaging in this shit throwing fight with her. All it is gonna accomplish is leaving you both covered in shit.

You ever seen a little kid misbehaving just to get attention? Sure they would rather have some positive attention but they will certainly settle for the negative attention over no attention at all. Are you picking up what I'm laying down here? Every time you start to get some effective 180 going with this child you married she manages to reel you back into kiddy games with her. You need to stop letting her do it man.

Look, I know how hard it is. I know you are hurting and you really really want to hurt her back but at some point in all of this infidelity nightmare someone involved has to start being the grown up and take the high ground. You think she's going to be the one to do it? It sure doesn't sound like it. So that leaves one other person to do it, right?

I know it sucks, and it sure as fucking hell isn't fair, but you have got to resist engaging in this shit with her. You want to make her feel like shit? Do it by showing her that you are the grown up that she refuses to be. Be fair, be measured and reasonable, take the fucking moral high ground and fucking hold it. Nothing makes an unreasonable immature selfish person feel shittier than having their immaturity unfairness and selfishness rubbed in their face by the shining example of someone else's better behavior. Seriously, give it a try, it can be immensely fucking satisfying.

Ok off of my soapbox now. Strength and healing to you my brother, Strength and healing.

HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice everyone and you are correct however this weird shit goes , excuse the military metaphor again, I've been conducting recons into her head to see how I can infiltrate that god awful barrier. The method I used, although unconventional, got through. Nothing but desperate love texts. I have been avoiding her. Going out with friends. What used to be "fine! Go fuck your girlfriend texts" have been I love and miss you. It's funny. When we were dating, if I didn't give a fuck, she would do anything to make me happy. Just like the 180. Make myself happy. I'm not treating her like shit. I am detached. She knows its for real. It is. No games. I think she just now realizes that. I NEVER mentioned another woman to her before or the possibility that I'm gone forever. I'm telling you, I see it, she is getting it.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 8:15 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she wins for the simple reason that you are choosing to play at all

I'd like to second that. I found myself always treating my engagements with my STBXWW as a competition in a way. I had to prove that I was right and the reasonable one. My IC pointed this out to me. Once I stopped engaging the back and forth antics my peace of mind went to a whole new level. The bullshit from my WW hasn't stopped, but I am able to deflect the bs with my shear "not my problem" attitude towards her rants. I am responsible for me, she is responsible for her. You do your work on yourself. She does hers.

I know its hard. It's still a work in progress for me a lot of times. Stay strong.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday after work I took the kids to see Iron man 3 and she came along. As soon as we got home I showered the kids and put them to bed then I went out. Met up with a few bro's. ended up at a pretty cool bar. Cinco De Mayo. Came home and WW came into the room, took off her clothes, and jumped on top of me. She wanted it every way. It was crazy. Even on the floor. She kept saying she loved me. Wanted me to sleep in late. I woke up and she bought me a caramel Macchiato from Starbucks with her old pet name for me written on it.
This is a result of my detachment and uninterest. The 180 is a good thing. I'm not playing games. I'm truly into myself now. And that peace came into my mind last week when I was ready to let go. The conversations the last 2 days were a result of her asking and I engaged only to let her know where I was at because she wouldn't meet my criteria.
When I threw out a few girls names or spoke of past relationships I was being honest. No joke here, the Book, memoirs of a Bad Boy, stresses honesty, it's so much better than deception. Lets them know exactly where you are.
http://ebookbrowse.com/memoirs-of-badboy-pdf-d469997961
It's funny. You spend marriage dancing around issues, afraid to look at another girl or make your woman upset or fear hurting their self esteem. I told her exactly what I was thinking because I don't care anymore. There are no consequences to telling it like it is. Like "I don't love you anymore". Sure we feel it but not for that person. That alien that took over their body. I will not live, beg, crawl, or compromise my self esteem for that.
I use war analogies because my whole adult life has been training for combat and were at war with an ugly parasite that invaded our loved one. A disease. A virus called Luuuuurve. A fog. What feeds them is your fear. Your love, your patience. Their power comes from your tears. They get off in it. It makes them very powerful. It makes them cold hearted, ruthless, and invincible. They will suck you dry until your a husk of a man. A shell of yourself who did it for the children. Meanwhile this Alien knows there are NO boundaries.
Not me. I let her know. I put her in another room on the floor. I detached. Went out. Made friends. I'm having fun. Meeting people. Talking to women because I can. I have no fear. We are valuable. We are men and fathers.
I'm still friendly to WW in a way that I have to be. Ill smile. Won't engage in arguing. I don't care about her day. Ill listen but will offer absolutely NOTHING to fix it or show concern.
These are the weapons I gathered from the brothers on this site.
Will it work long term. I don't know. I may be spouting nonsense right now but I'm finding my way and couldn't do it without the hours of reading SI. Other successes and failures. Ill keep posting as this goes along. Thanks.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:42 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys
I would like to once again apologize as I work through this situation for monopolizing this thread at this time. Maybe soon I can be in a position to offer advice and help others. I don't mean to be selfish. I read threads from WAL, Fred, face punch,wert, 64, poor, etc. all betrayed and all hurting. I feel all of your stories and praise you all for your advice. A band of brothers.
Today after I showered my WW was sitting on our bed. Waiting for me. Wanting to hang out as I put on my uniform for work. She looked like she did when we were dating. Smiling. Interested.
I haven't seen that in a long time. I have been wanting to set her up in that position.
When I looked at her A, the one I discovered. I saw the phone bill. She would call this guy relentlessly. Over and over before he called back. She would text over and over until he responded. He played her well. He had her pursuing. She appeared desperate. In luuurve.
I was jealous. I wanted that. I had that a long time ago and lost it. It hit me reading this site.
This may be boring and maybe a little self promoting but I need all the confidence I can muster because let's face it WW did some damage to the ego.
We know our WW's. their psych. At least at one time we did.
When I met mine she gave me her number. I was dating a lot of women at the time. I had what I called a stable. She seemed different. Special. I had rules. I wouldn't return phone calls until I got 3 or 4. I would t call after I got a number for at least 4 days. Yada yada. It worked. All the time. I lived for me. I had to clear my calendar so to speak for WW. I wanted to devote more time to her. Learn about her. Instead of love Em and leave Em. I wanted to cultivate. I called her a month after I got her number. She never forgot that. She was upset, lol, but that was the hook. She was popular and I nabbed her by looking not really Interested. She tried to play female games. I was indifferent. Her big flag was planting her toothbrush in the bathroom of my apt next to mine. Recently I've been putting her toothbrush in the guest bath only to find she keeps putting it back.
The OM was using my old tactics. God damn that made me angry. I evolved into a loving husband and hard working father. Domesticated with 2 careers. I became easy, needy. I let my guard down.
Essentially my life was the 180. I lived for myself. Once I put that suit back on and let her know I was done and not interested, indifferent, not returning texts or responding to her physical challenges like going to the store for her she is full on pursuing again. I'm not doing it to play games. I let it go. It's hard slipping into the real me again. Not engaging. But I reAd somewhere where WAL said not to fear the consequences. I am fully ready to embrace D. I don't care. And that's it. Mentally and emotionally letting go.
Now here's where I'm an asshole.
Our WW's fucked OM's with no remorse. They wanted to destroy and demoralize us. Tear us down, make us beg. Take us to the cleaners. Take away our children. Make us lose our homes just for strange dick. Drag us through the mud and rewrite our history to make us look like the bad guy.
I read a lot about revenge here. Violence is not the answer.
At this point I want to take her back to the beginning. I want her to fall back in love with me. Chase me. Look at me the way she did. Moan like she did when we made love. Need me.
Then
I'm.going.to.break.her.fucking.heart.
Shatter her.
Make her feel remorse. Force feed it to her.
I can do much better. Guys there are a line of women waiting for us.
I remember her look when she was in A and wanting mediation. Staying out all night with A while I was home with the kids.
Beating on me when she got angry.
Sneaking around.
I'm going to crush her heart into powder.
These are my feelings at the moment. They may be wrong. This may be a phase. I may get flamed. Just know I'm not engaging. I'm not arguing with her. Arguing only causes distance. It is a display of force and feelings. It shows attachment. It is weak. This is pure 180. That is why it works. We seek for ourselves and the side effect is them possibly fighting for you back. In my WW's case she is turned on by it. Not pleading, not directing, not arguing, reasoning, blaming etc.
IF by some chance she can convince me to stay it will be on my terms. If her heart is destroyed perhaps it can be rebuilt, restored.
Who knows but one of the biggest common denominators I see out of R is that WW's become repeat offenders. No fucking way. I was an Army Drill Sergeant. No way is she walking away from this thinking she got over. This will be the hardest emotional boot camp of her life. If she gets it she will EARN it and remember the consequences of a strange dick.
I never cheated. In my view it would have to be a magical vagina that compromises the respect of my boys, the cost of alimony, child support, my pension, marriage, and home. That is too large of a price. I want my immature WW to see that the price is too damn high if I ever entertained her coming back.
Nope. First I'm going to make her chase me back. Guys she took off her clothes so goddamn fast last night. Ripped mine off. She was grinding me like a stripper on crack. Wanted to do it on the bed, the floor, any way i wanted it. Called me by my "pet" name, it's been years. And has texted me all day. I haven't responded.
This is a looong rant. I need it. I'm saving money on a counselor. I'm also probably going through a weird phase. I don't know.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 5:48 PM, May 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
wonderingbull
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Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444 Holy shit... The texts and all the other bullshit is similar to the "dance" the ex and I did before I said enough...

The last encounter I had with her was when I was out walking my dog in my neighborhood far far from our former house... She drove up as my dog and I were walking and I just walked away... She said to stop being bitter... I just told her "I'm done... Leave me alone!"...

That was the last time I laid eyes on her.... Thankfully...

Stop the "dancing" and detach... You'll be more at peace...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Neithan
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Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed444, mayhap you can burn her that badly if you choose. But you'll be using your soul for kindling.

[This message edited by Neithan at 6:22 PM, May 6th (Monday)]


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 295 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed444, mayhap you can burn her that badly if you choose. But you'll be using your soul for kindling.

I don't see it that way. These women have a penchant for destroying us. By justifying their A by rewriting our history. By throwing their families under the bus and inflicting pain. They seem to enjoy seeing us suffer for their insecurities. The more we try to fix it the harsher they become. My WW said some pretty cruel things to try to cut me the bone.
What I'm saying is that us men are honorable. Hard working. We care for our families and lets face it, our WW's can do a bus load of football players and our first reaction would probably be to attempt reconciliation. Why? Because we're pussies? No... Because we're loyal and forgiving. Because through it all well sacrifice our honor and self esteem to stay strong for our families and our children. We're lions protecting our cubs. NO man want their children to become victims of a dysfunctional family. We want them to grow up in a steady and solid household. I want the best for my kids and it broke my heart for this to happen. When I say break her heart I want her to realize what she did and feel it. Let it sink in. Marinate in it. I want there to be no mistaking the damage she did. I don't want her walking away with the alien thoughts still ingrained in her head that it was my fault our marriage was screwed. She rewrote it all the way to the day of our marriage. She kept piling it on despite how I felt. Despite what the truth was. She wrote her own narrative. I want it to hit her as if a piano fell on her head. I want to be redeemed. I want her to come out of the fog into reality. If that turns my soul to kindling so be it. I've done nothing but stepped up to the challenge of sheltering my children and setting things right. I won't be a victim and I will be in the rightful position of dictating the final outcome.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Cannon
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Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dudes...dudes.

Just when I think thngs are settling down with my XWW (I think her stepdad told her to chill the fuck out with the texts to me - thank God), just when I think she's hit rock bottom (more cheating last summer, DUI and suicide attempt last fall), she surprises me.

I got a text out of the blue today that she's taken a test and is pregnant.

NO...no no no no. It's NOT mine. She said she's been seeing some dude for a month or so and that they'd been together twice (without protection - really?) and that she confirmed a pregnancy with a home test. Wow. I mean....wow.

She said he was coming over to dinner tonight and she was going to tell him. He's in his late 40's, I think and has never had a wife or a kid. She doesn't know if she's going to keep it or get it aborted (I think some of it depends on what he thinks).

I mean...I'm still just stunned. Stunned. Thank GOD that crazy ho isn't my problem anymore (though, as usual, I have to worry about my three kids' reaction to this if she does have this baby)

Holy. shit.


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cannon!
What's up bro! Haven't seen you in awhile. Dude that is some fucked up shit! Your XWW is preggo? Wow. I totally believe in karma. Grab some popcorn man, who needs days of our lives. I'm almost willing to bet that guy is going to dart and shell be begging for you back.
Probably everyone of my past relationships that went south ended with them trying to come back.
Anyway, one way or the other it will have an impact on the kids. Just hold them together. I think watching your XWW's life unfold the way it is now validates how well you held her together while you were married. What a mess. But not yours anymore.

Just wanted to add that I'm reading the WW 8 section where your WW got a DWI
Mine did too!
We really do have a lot in common.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 8:56 PM, May 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
allatsea
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Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed444

This is the best summary of what I need right now

"These women have a penchant for destroying us. By justifying their A by rewriting our history. By throwing their families under the bus and inflicting pain. They seem to enjoy seeing us suffer for their insecurities. The more we try to fix it the harsher they become. My WW said some pretty cruel things to try to cut me the bone.
What I'm saying is that us men are honorable. Hard working. We care for our families and lets face it, our WW's can do a bus load of football players and our first reaction would probably be to attempt reconciliation. Why? Because we're pussies? No... Because we're loyal and forgiving. Because through it all well sacrifice our honor and self esteem to stay strong for our families and our children. We're lions protecting our cubs. NO man want their children to become victims of a dysfunctional family. We want them to grow up in a steady and solid household. I want the best for my kids and it broke my heart for this to happen. When I say break her heart I want her to realize what she did and feel it. Let it sink in. Marinate in it. I want there to be no mistaking the damage she did. I don't want her walking away with the alien thoughts still ingrained in her head that it was my fault our marriage was screwed. She rewrote it all the way to the day of our marriage. She kept piling it on despite how I felt. Despite what the truth was. She wrote her own narrative. I want it to hit her as if a piano fell on her head. I want to be redeemed. I want her to come out of the fog into reality. If that turns my soul to kindling so be it. I've done nothing but stepped up to the challenge of sheltering my children and setting things right. I won't be a victim and I will be in the rightful position of dictating the final outcome"

Thanks so much for this post. I've copied it for future reference.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 520 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see it that way. These women have a penchant for destroying us. By justifying their A by rewriting our history. By throwing their families under the bus and inflicting pain. They seem to enjoy seeing us suffer for their insecurities. The more we try to fix it the harsher they become. My WW said some pretty cruel things to try to cut me the bone.

So turning around and visiting the same thing back on her is different?

There's nothing honorable about playing her to shatter her. There's nothing there that works towards keeping your family stable. There's nothing loyal or forgiving about breaking her.

You can't make her see anything she chooses not to see. Defending yourself and your family by detaching and disengaging is the right thing to do and how much you choose to allow her in your life is your business but at what point are you going to cease the escalation just because you feel the need to impale her on her own fucked up poisoned points? Going out and making friends, having a life, all that shit is powerful and healthy medicine but "talking to other women because I can" means what?

If you care about this woman and want to have a life with her potentially then why are you setting out to crush her heart to powder? You're going to end up with someone even more broken than she already is. Only, you did it. What's the point of that? So she can see what a hurtful, selfish bitch she has been? Grinding her heart to powder just for the sake of returning her pain back on her is more likely to validate in her mind the bullshit justifications she had before, and leave you legitimately an asshole.

If you plan to D her and kick her to the curb and want to drop a nuke on the way out that's one thing, but I'm baffled as to how honor and loyalty applies to a possible reconciliation. Burning bridges like that tends to be mutually exclusive with renewed partnerships.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

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