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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WWS (new BM acronym - What WAL Said - it's quicker than typing ^^^^this and adding a couple of sentences to make it look like I know what I'm talking about).


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the new acronym.
and agree with WWS.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1263 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Why she prefers being a weak-willed idiot... ...think it makes you desirable?)
This whole paragraph.

My WW and OM bonded over two things, essentially: 1) My failings, both real and/or imagined. We're all fairly familiar with this in some way, I'm sure. 2) M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Depression). They both talked about how miserable they were in their lot in life, and then later, about badly they felt about what they were doing to me...but clearly, not badly enough.

So when my WW told OM she couldn't talk to me about this stuff, she was right, in a twisted sort of way...but the cycle perpetuates itself, KWIM?

Admittedly, my WW had a shitty childhood with a whole host of FOO issues...CSA, absentee father, neglectful mother, rape....and I was always willing to listen to her about those things, because I knew getting into the relationship that those were part of her package, as she told me upfront. What I didn't realize at the time is that she uses those things as a way to seek positive affirmation from other people (men, mostly). So after about 6 1/2 years of being together, and her talking about those things but never seeking counseling for them, I admit that I stopped playing the game of telling her how good of a person just because she lived through that stuff, and stopped making excuses for her shitty behavior (past or present), more or less.

When I stopped being receptive to it is when the EA started...except now it was OM she was crying the "woe is me" life story to, and I was now one of the villains in the narrative.

So in a roundabout way, I guess what I'm saying is that sick people bond over unhealthy things, you know? Because a healthy person would probably tell them to get their head out of their ass after hearing the same whining, over and over. I did that to both WW and OM, actually. OM was a friend who despite being of reasonably high intelligence, is a 34-year old loser...and for a long time I listened to him whine about needing to go back to school, and needing to find a new job, or needing to find a good woman, and tried to steer him in the right direction until I realized that he didn't really want to put in the work to get there, he just wanted to bitch about it...so I told him so, because I had been listening to his same shit for like 6 years, too.

I have a really low tolerance for people that just want to complain about a problem without doing anything about it, I suppose.

BTW: I don't mean in any way that talking to friends about your FOO issues is whining per se, only that if you continue to do so because you get a lift from the outpouring of honest emotion it provokes from the listener, then it's no longer venting, it's just manipulation.


To err is human; to forgive, supine.

Posts: 1565 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, to switch gears a little bit: In the future, would anyone else find the phrase, "Oh, I don't really have many female friends....I don't get along with them. I get along better with guys." to be a HUGE red flag?

I think if I were to ever be single again, I'd be supremely cautious of girls who claim they get along better with guys than girls. The only exception is 'Jenny' from 'The League'.


To err is human; to forgive, supine.

Posts: 1565 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, at first, she told me that she pursued him. Then I asked her to go through the timeline of events. He pursued her first and she was scarred of him because she liked it and didn't know how to handle it. She was a bored house wife and we were no where near as close as we used to be. I stopped dating her, paying attention to her, complimenting her, etc. That was my fault although I did not push her into his arms. She liked the attention, he persued her, she was weak, and after a few weeks, made the conscious decision to engage in the affair. She didn't have sex although she blew him in the back seat of our truck and swallowed. He sucked her tits and they made out. Still sucks crap to know she did even that. She fell victim to his charms and the positive mirrors he held up to her and she chose to do this. I am majorly dissapointed in her for acting like a slut and hate him for what he did.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This
She liked the attention, he persued her, she was weak, and after a few weeks, made the conscious decision to engage in the affair.

Not this

we were no where near as close as we used to be. I stopped dating her, paying attention to her, complimenting her, etc.

I know you want to make sense out of all this but don't hurt yourself any more than she has already hurt you by trying to rationalize her actions based on what you did or didn't do for her. She had other options on how to handle her disappointments and instead of going the healthy route, she jumped on the runaway train to slutville.

Sure, we all have M issues that we could do better at. But an A is a selfish choice by the wayward spouse. She needs to own that without you there to take the blame on any level.

And I'm sorry to say that this is probably only the tip of the iceberg

She didn't have sex although she blew him in the back seat of our truck and swallowed. He sucked her tits and they made out.

Stay strong and focus on you at this point. don't take what your WW says for truth right now. She has shown she can't be trusted now and she will try to minimize what she did because:

I am majorly dissapointed in her for acting like a slut and hate him for what he did.
and to protect herself.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 953 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's important to remember that the inverse of this...
She fell victim to his charms and the positive mirrors he held up to her and she chose to do this.

...is probably true as well. Positive mirroring goes in both directions. Gently, whether he made the initial moves or not, at some point she knew it was wrong, and that point was almost certainly before there was ANY kind of physical aspect, you know? Even in healthy-forming relationships it doesn't take until you're in the middle of making out with someone to realize how you feel about the situation at hand. I'm just saying there was some point where it went from "going along with it" to "going after it", you know? Someone else put it like this: Even cockroaches go away eventually if you stop feeding them.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 2:08 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]


To err is human; to forgive, supine.

Posts: 1565 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since finding out about the affair 1.5 weeks ago, at first every day was dark. Now there are moments of hope. Then about mid-day, despair creeps in for a couple of hours, then a little while later, I feel ok again. Right now, I wanna just crawl into a ho,e and die.my whole world has been turned upside down and I'm all alone, my best friend in the who,e world betrayed me like no other person ever has. This totally sucks and I'd like to think I'd never put anyone through something like this.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Calkid,
I am so sorry this has happened. It is a pain like no other. We know EXACTLY what you are experiencing. You are not alone. I was in your shoes three months ago. I lost a lot of weight and couldn't eat or sleep. Even now I still feel in shock but I can eat and sleep and have reluctantly accepted that my life has changed direction. I have bad days and the odd good day. I still think about it and the betrayal every minute of the day. I am existing at the moment but I'm way better now than then. You will be too. It doesn't feel like it but it's true. Do you know if you will reconcile or are you adamant of divorce?


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This girl is my high school sweetheart. I'm 41 years old and met her when I was 17. We have had 5 kids together and just recently had our first grandson. Up until now, we have had a very wonderful marriage, we were best friends before we got together and we've remained best friends through the years. She was my first and only and I hers. There's no way I'm throwing in the towel. Especially because she's done everything I've asked her to do since DDay and professes her love for me daily, is very sorry for what she's done, and has shown genuine remorse for her actions. If all that wasn't there, I'd kick her ass to the curb in a heartbeat. But, she's been forthright and honest since I caught her as far as I can tell. I've spoken with the OM and he admits everything she told me, their stories match, plus she told my sis-in-law the whole sorted tail. Whether that's all true or not, at this point, I believe them. I could keep digging and see what else I can uncover but I'm not sure I want to. She's leaving for two weeks to go take care of the grandson while my son's wife is in surgery and I'm gonna tell her before she leaves that I want a polygraph test as soon as she gets back. She already consented to one the day after she told me about the whole thing.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
SuperDuperWonderboy
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Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cal,

Believe me. We do know exactly what you are going through. I am about to turn 41, had three wonderful children, and my wife blew it all to shit. Fucking crushed me. I mean, FUCKING CRUSHED ME.

The initial reaction is to go into crisis management mode. Save everything at all costs. At least for me, it was save it, save it. I can change, I can make it work. (now I say fuck that noise--but I remember thinking/doing that).

Welcome to hell. Believe it our not, when you get through this, you'll be stronger than before. Maybe you'll be married, maybe you won't. But you will be stronger.

I know you want so desperately to have you wife be telling the truth. Maybe she is.

BUT This:

she's been forthright and honest since I caught her as far as I can tell

Is not true. Her story has been evolving and changing since you found out. At first it was just kissed a guy..remember? Not forthright nor honest.

I think the polygraph is an essential idea. What she needs to understand that many times, the affair isn't the dealbreaker...it's the fucking lies afterward.


But either way. We are glad to have you here. And man..we all get it. Sucks.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 3:54 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1263 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It blows me away how common this is-to cheat after years of M and kids. Same song with each of my buddies, except the one who cheated first(she then cheated too).
I think it was planned all along sometimes...now I know why married guys always warned me not to marry. Don't do it, stay single, I was told. Wish I had listened. They knew.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah dude, I'm gonna have her do it. You're right, this HELL, pure HELL! That's the best word to describe it. Crushed eh? That's another good word. Devastated, decimated, are others. I had no idea a human could feel so much emotional pain and love. Polygraph here we come. If she's telling the truth about telling this guy no sex or pussy, and sticking to it, then she can at least in some small way, earn a little redemption and trust back from me.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Calkid
If she is doing everything as you say, and she is truly remorseful then I envy you. I honestly envy you. I spent many fruitless weeks wanting my ww to even think about reconciling, nevermind remorse. I didn't even get considered. They knew they wanted to live together before I even found out. I wish you the best of luck but please have your wits about you. Check and double check everything. Don't be back here in 12 months time in the same position as many are here where it was false R. Please think of what you need to be happy.

Regards


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Problem is, why can't I put the past in the past and move forward? At first, I couldn't even sleep. I can sleep now, show general affection for my wife again, the images don't come as often, my wife's attitude and behavior gives me hope (it's as if every day since she severed all contact with the OM, she is a little bit more the wife I've known for the last 23 years) but I still feel like my feet are stuck in the mud, and I'm just growing through the motions, being totally ineffective at work and getting through each day is such a challenge. I feel like such a pussy.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
Cannon
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Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What she needs to understand that many times, the affair isn't the dealbreaker...it's the fucking lies afterward.

Amen, sir.

Even after all the shit I went through from my XWW, I still thought we juuust might pull it out...then I found out about a year ago that she lied about OM #1 back in 2010. It wasn't just an EA / sexing and pics affair, it was a PA. Bam. Done.

Also

I feel like such a pussy.

This is one thing that sealed the deal for me too. At some point, I had to grow my balls back and take back my fucking pride. I was beginning to hate myself and felt like a complete fool and a loser.

(By the way...glad you found us in this little corner, calkid! )

[This message edited by Cannon at 6:29 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah dude but I still love her ad don't want to break up our family.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

calkid))) welcome to the virtual mancave.

Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" might help too. Check it out.

@ putting the past in the past...
Stop trying to maybe?
You could short-circuit your healing by not allowing yourself to experience all the 'stages'. Generally they are:
shock/trauma... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance...with grief running through them all. It's not linear. You will sometimes ping-pong back and forth between various stages. It's just that you will eventually be in those stages less and less.
Allow that to happen naturally. It's ok. Don't try to force it. Just take the pressure off yourself right now with expectations. Go with the flow.

I couldn't forgive. But *He* could, and wanted me to do that, so I put it entirely into *His* hands. For me it was a process, just like healing, not linear. Made all the difference for me. He did it. I didn't.

If she suggested a poly, and is truly remorseful, I do envy you.

You might get some more insight into your likely emotions and experiences from this:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

Strength to you!


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in
Wanna see the most callous , selfish quote of the day?
A few days ago I posted that I was talking to ex W and WW wife got angry. WW is so insecure she Thought I was talking about her. I can tell you the real reason. My daughter was hysterical. She is married to a soldier going through jump school. She found out her mom, my Ex W has cancer. It's in her stomach, breast, lungs. Masses have been discovered. It's bad. I decided to tell WW. Here is the response.
Me
BTW your right. I have been talking to Ex and I know it upset you. It wasn't about you but I had to keep it to myself even though there was a blow up. It was hard to keep it to myself. Ex has cancer. She's probably going to die

Her
That's sad, I feel bad for her. We are in the middle of a family crisis but if you feel the need to go and rescue her instead and spend all your time and energy on her then that's your choice. People die, I lost two family members back to back. It happens and it sucks and other people in my life are sick and dying too and it sucks. Sorry

Her
Exactly the reason I cheated on you. You spend all your time fixing other people and the rest of it criticizing me to no end

Pure WW gold

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 9:02 PM, May 10th (Friday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pure WW gold

not to laugh at your pain, but I have to admit, that made me laugh.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
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