(Why she prefers being a weak-willed idiot... ...think it makes you desirable?)
My WW and OM bonded over two things, essentially: 1) My failings, both real and/or imagined. We're all fairly familiar with this in some way, I'm sure. 2) M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Depression). They both talked about how miserable they were in their lot in life, and then later, about badly they felt about what they were doing to me...but clearly, not badly enough.
So when my WW told OM she couldn't talk to me about this stuff, she was right, in a twisted sort of way...but the cycle perpetuates itself, KWIM?
Admittedly, my WW had a shitty childhood with a whole host of FOO issues...CSA, absentee father, neglectful mother, rape....and I was always willing to listen to her about those things, because I knew getting into the relationship that those were part of her package, as she told me upfront. What I didn't realize at the time is that she uses those things as a way to seek positive affirmation from other people (men, mostly). So after about 6 1/2 years of being together, and her talking about those things but never seeking counseling for them, I admit that I stopped playing the game of telling her how good of a person just because she lived through that stuff, and stopped making excuses for her shitty behavior (past or present), more or less.
When I stopped being receptive to it is when the EA started...except now it was OM she was crying the "woe is me" life story to, and I was now one of the villains in the narrative.
So in a roundabout way, I guess what I'm saying is that sick people bond over unhealthy things, you know? Because a healthy person would probably tell them to get their head out of their ass after hearing the same whining, over and over. I did that to both WW and OM, actually. OM was a friend who despite being of reasonably high intelligence, is a 34-year old loser...and for a long time I listened to him whine about needing to go back to school, and needing to find a new job, or needing to find a good woman, and tried to steer him in the right direction until I realized that he didn't really want to put in the work to get there, he just wanted to bitch about it...so I told him so, because I had been listening to his same shit for like 6 years, too.
I have a really low tolerance for people that just want to complain about a problem without doing anything about it, I suppose.
BTW: I don't mean in any way that talking to friends about your FOO issues is whining per se, only that if you continue to do so because you get a lift from the outpouring of honest emotion it provokes from the listener, then it's no longer venting, it's just manipulation.
I think if I were to ever be single again, I'd be supremely cautious of girls who claim they get along better with guys than girls. The only exception is 'Jenny' from 'The League'.
She liked the attention, he persued her, she was weak, and after a few weeks, made the conscious decision to engage in the affair.
we were no where near as close as we used to be. I stopped dating her, paying attention to her, complimenting her, etc.
I know you want to make sense out of all this but don't hurt yourself any more than she has already hurt you by trying to rationalize her actions based on what you did or didn't do for her. She had other options on how to handle her disappointments and instead of going the healthy route, she jumped on the runaway train to slutville.
Sure, we all have M issues that we could do better at. But an A is a selfish choice by the wayward spouse. She needs to own that without you there to take the blame on any level.
And I'm sorry to say that this is probably only the tip of the iceberg
She didn't have sex although she blew him in the back seat of our truck and swallowed. He sucked her tits and they made out.
Stay strong and focus on you at this point. don't take what your WW says for truth right now. She has shown she can't be trusted now and she will try to minimize what she did because:
I am majorly dissapointed in her for acting like a slut and hate him for what he did.
She fell victim to his charms and the positive mirrors he held up to her and she chose to do this.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 2:08 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]
Believe me. We do know exactly what you are going through. I am about to turn 41, had three wonderful children, and my wife blew it all to shit. Fucking crushed me. I mean, FUCKING CRUSHED ME.
The initial reaction is to go into crisis management mode. Save everything at all costs. At least for me, it was save it, save it. I can change, I can make it work. (now I say fuck that noise--but I remember thinking/doing that).
Welcome to hell. Believe it our not, when you get through this, you'll be stronger than before. Maybe you'll be married, maybe you won't. But you will be stronger.
I know you want so desperately to have you wife be telling the truth. Maybe she is.
she's been forthright and honest since I caught her as far as I can tell
Is not true. Her story has been evolving and changing since you found out. At first it was just kissed a guy..remember? Not forthright nor honest.
I think the polygraph is an essential idea. What she needs to understand that many times, the affair isn't the dealbreaker...it's the fucking lies afterward.
But either way. We are glad to have you here. And man..we all get it. Sucks.
[This message edited by wonderboy at 3:54 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]
What she needs to understand that many times, the affair isn't the dealbreaker...it's the fucking lies afterward.
Even after all the shit I went through from my XWW, I still thought we juuust might pull it out...then I found out about a year ago that she lied about OM #1 back in 2010. It wasn't just an EA / sexing and pics affair, it was a PA. Bam. Done.
I feel like such a pussy.
(By the way...glad you found us in this little corner, calkid! )
[This message edited by Cannon at 6:29 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]
Status: Divorced and relieved
Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" might help too. Check it out.
@ putting the past in the past...
Stop trying to maybe?
You could short-circuit your healing by not allowing yourself to experience all the 'stages'. Generally they are:
shock/trauma... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance...with grief running through them all. It's not linear. You will sometimes ping-pong back and forth between various stages. It's just that you will eventually be in those stages less and less.
Allow that to happen naturally. It's ok. Don't try to force it. Just take the pressure off yourself right now with expectations. Go with the flow.
I couldn't forgive. But *He* could, and wanted me to do that, so I put it entirely into *His* hands. For me it was a process, just like healing, not linear. Made all the difference for me. He did it. I didn't.
If she suggested a poly, and is truly remorseful, I do envy you.
You might get some more insight into your likely emotions and experiences from this:
Strength to you!
BTW your right. I have been talking to Ex and I know it upset you. It wasn't about you but I had to keep it to myself even though there was a blow up. It was hard to keep it to myself. Ex has cancer. She's probably going to die
That's sad, I feel bad for her. We are in the middle of a family crisis but if you feel the need to go and rescue her instead and spend all your time and energy on her then that's your choice. People die, I lost two family members back to back. It happens and it sucks and other people in my life are sick and dying too and it sucks. Sorry
Exactly the reason I cheated on you. You spend all your time fixing other people and the rest of it criticizing me to no end
Pure WW gold
[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 9:02 PM, May 10th (Friday)]
not to laugh at your pain, but I have to admit, that made me laugh.