You've received lots of good advice so far. I just want to say that I understand how overwhelming the advice can be. It is so counter intuitive at first to NOT trust your spouse, to NOT give them the benefit of the doubt. It's been you and your spouse on the same team, fighting the world together, you trust her...but the truth is she wasn't on your team, she was not trustworthy, she crossed the lines. It hurts like hell to realize your world is not what you thought.
I know in the beginning I so badly wanted to believe my wife, that it wasn't that bad. I just wanted to believe that all the people on this board were just bitter and jaded, well, some of us may be, but we've also been there done that, and most of us know what we're talking about.
Now is not the time to be nice. Now is not the time to trust her.
Even if you do have the whole truth (which I truly hope you do, but probably do not), you have to step away from your life and look at it from the outside.
IMO, you must demand NC (No Contact) EVER, you must get into marriage counseling, and her, at least, to individual counseling. It may seem extreme from your perspective, but unless these issues are repaired, they will resurface later.
ETA: Cross-posted you there.
Wanted to add that I would also recommend telling the OM's wife. Besides being the right thing to do, she will likely be an ally in enforcing NC.
[This message edited by faithfulfool at 8:28 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]
Your post stung me hard.
Need to reread it a few times.
Look, I know you are hurting and you love your wayward wife. All of us BHs on this site suffer from that problem...
But you do realize there is WAY more to this story than you are admiting to yourself. Six years. And you think this activity is only recent? And you think it is just a "budding EA?"
Brother, I hate this. But your life is going to get worse unless you are willing to face the very likely probability that way more has gone on.
#1. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell OM's wife. You hold ZERO leverage over him. Quit thinking that you can control the situation through the threat of disclosure. You are kidding yourself. Either you will expose or you will not. They (your wife and OM) believe they have you by the short hairs and you will NEVER do anything to upset the apple cart.
The RIGHT thing to do is to send her a brief note with a short amount of proof saying you have more if you need it. Apologize for the pain but say you would want to know if someone was in your position. Keep it short and simple with no recriminations. Do not call OM an SOB or give her reason to defend her WH over you.
2. See a lawyer. Look, I am NOT say file for divorce, but you are going to find out there is way more to this. Your wife is already in damage control mode hoping you do not find out more. And it will kill you. But then you will be paralyzed by fear to move forward. Seeing a lawyer will let you know what to expect and brother, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. and you need a lot of power now
3. Install a Keylogger, hack her phone, do what you need to feel safe. It will go underground and you will be betrayed again. The high of OM is way too much for your wife to change now just because you caught a tip of the iceberg.
Look, I am not trying to beat you up. I have been where you are. But I know that indecision and inaction and fear are your WORST enemies now. You want to believe you can control this and it is not really THAT bad and that you will make things worse by being assertive. You could not be more wrong.
I pray you will gain the strength to do what you need to do to.
[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 8:35 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]
The high of OM is way too much for your wife to change now just because you caught a tip of the iceberg.
That is my fear.
I truly hope your situation is as "innocent" as you are making it out to be, I really do. People here support M and are not giving advice as scorned spouses, it is based on experience. Experience I wished I had listened to right off the bat, instead of trusting that my spouse was telling me the truth.
NC, EVER is the only way this is going to work; and I mean EVER. I still strongly suggest exposing to his wife, if nothing else so you have another set of eyes on them. Also, put yourself in her shoes for a moment. If she caught them doing this same thing, would you want to know? Would it destroy your marriage? If they've assured everyone it is over and no big deal, then what's the problem getting this out in the open so everyone can heal and move forward? Being the secret keeper isn't too fun.
You can't change the past.
Stop living in it.
I will tell you as someone who didn't figure this stuff out for awhile, decide what you stand for and stick to it firmly. You will save yourself heartache.
'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'
She asked if we talked and I told her what I said above. She then asked what my internet friends were suggesting I do, I told her there not friends, there 1000’s of people who have gone through stuff like this and worse, who are trying to give me sound advice, as I don’t know what’s real anymore.
Your wife is fishing for information trying to gauge what you know and what you are thinking. If there was really nothing going on she would not feel guilty and would have opened up completely to you. This is sign of cake eating. Seh si trygin to figure otu what you will do and she will react accordingly, i.e., has she faced any real consequences. right now she has none. You called her on it but she doesn't have any consequences for her actions thus no need to stop them and she can go underground.
She started to bring up our marriage issues, but stopped herself (a little blame shifting starting) I called her on it and told her that I knew what stage she was going into and all the stages ahead.
Imo, you both need to get into counseling to address her issues. her not being able to talk to you about her issues is probably one fo the reasons she went to OM in first place.
She said that she felt cheap, I think she starting to see the reality of her actions. I ask her what she could do to help me feel safe, she just said “what do you want me to do”. Would be nice for her to take some action.
I asked if she deleted all the games, she said yes, not sure how to take this, but I guess I would have as well. Does not matter I have more than enough screen shots of there activity.
At the end of the conversation, she asks if I planned to tell his wife. I said I was not sure. I asked if it was me having this interaction with another married women, would she want to know. She paused at this, but then said if there was something more going on than yes, but they were just too good friends who let their friend ship get too close.
If nothing inappropriate happened she wouldn't care if you told the wife. The line "if there was something more going on" sounds alot like projection to me. You asked her a simple question. The easy response is yes I would want to know or No it wouldn't bother me. She had to think about it.
She said “I” should think of the devastation “I” would cause in the school community if I told her.
I asked if she could do me a favor to help me find flat ground again. I asked her if she could let me know of all contact she has with him going forward.
The look in here eye, she hesitated (thinking of the ramifications?) she told me that it would be hard, that they were close friends and share a lot between each other.
I told her that that is what a classic EA is, and that is why we need to fix this.
Real fork in the road here, god I pray for us that she takes the right path.
As far as telling his wife, the coming days will decide that. I’m thinking of holding that info, to help them have incentive to do the right thing.
If she fails, this situation will go Nuclear, moving more and more to the anger stage.
She already failed by having the A. You have to be proactive. Exposure shines a light on this mess and destroys the fantasy.
I am not trying to be harsh and neither is anyone else. Your wife does not sound very remorseful and her story doesn't really add up considering it's been 6 years. You have to assume everything she tells you for the forseeable future is a half truth or flat out lie. She is the enemy until you work this out completely. As faithfulfool stated you need some perspective. You do have problems in your M and you need to get working on them asap.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:38 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]
. I asked her if she could let me know of all contact she has with him going forward. (Hard Part) The look in here eye, she hesitated (thinking of the ramifications?) she told me that it would be hard, that they were close friends and share a lot between each other
And I think she slipped up big time. She told you that telling his wife would cause devastation. if this was "just a friendship that got too close"..what is there to be devastated over? She confirmed the affair.
All they have done is take this underground. Look for a secret cell. Telling his wife will mean there's another set of eyes on them.
And,Im sorry,but why is she allowed to have any contact with this man?? They both have proven they can't be trusted,so taking their word on keeping it appropriate is wishful thinking on your part. This has been a "close friendship" for 6 years. This is a LTA.
Also,telling his wife might mean she can gather her own evidence so you will have a clearer picture here of what's been going on.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:47 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
She made several over the line comments, they were talking about if/when/how to delete old games, and MY wife said "we don't need to worry about that yet :)
Most important thing- You cannot trust her. Don't tell her things ahead of time.
For example, by now there may be a good cover story about how you are going through a tough time and seeing things that aren't really there. You never know what this guy could tell his wife with time to prepare.
I knew they played the game, I just didn’t understand the level of emotional connection they were making. I had access to games going back months, my wife assumed it was confidential, and so if there was anything physical going on it would have been mentioned or brought up. This I am sure of.
When we talked about her phone call to him (Monday) and what they discussed, I asked her how long the call was, and she said she didn’t know. Well Phone records show it 34 fucking min. long.
I was across the street watching the Sunday night football game; she came over at half time. There were 7 sent/received texts between them between 9:00 and 9:30 before she got there, wonder what they were about.
All other texting and phone calls or minimal, I guess because they had their special place to chat.
I guess she does not realize yet that I can look at her phone records.
The emotions she was feeling this morning let me know a lot about the emotional level this was at.
I starting to agree the going cold turkey for her might be hard.
They had 6 years.....think about it....a lot can happen in 6 years.
Do what you have to do....but tell the OMs wife in person. My fwws OM hid all avenues of contact...mail, phone, internet....
Your wife isn't ready to give up her "fix" with OM. Remember there can't be three in a M. She can't have time to decide if she will end her "friendship". She admitted it crossed the line, hence it ends....period. They don't deserve to continue to enjoy the friendship.
Your wife's responses have all been about the OM, his wife finding out, how much you know, etc. Where are her reassurances of her love for you. Where is her concern for your pain? Where is her desire to save the M?
Be strong, and challenge her with these questions. Don't do all the work attempting to move forward. She isn't on board yet. She has to want your M....to have that she must give up OM.
She is a very strong willed person, so she does tend to dominate our relationship especially in verbal communication,
This jumped out at me. Some women lose respect for a man that allows her to dominate him. Often times men will give in or keep quiet about issues in a marriage to avoid conflict. Although his intentions are good by having a desire to keep the peace, it will backfire because it causes her to lose sexual attraction. Not standing up for yourself gives the impression of weakness. Most women do not find weak men sexually attractive. If she perceives you as weak, and the OM as assertive & strong, then you have big problems. I suspect that you only have the tip of the iceberg.
Being nice, accomodating and understanding will only feed into her perception that you are weak and that she can control & dominate you. Now is the time for you to stand up for yourself. Your feelings matter. You are hurt, confused and afraid...and she is concerned about losing a "friendship". That's not right, and you shouldn't stand for that.You need to set clear boundaries, and consequences, and stick to them. Verify her stories, check her phone and make sure that she knows, with 100% certainty that you will not tolerate this in your marriage. Rememeber, she is used to you backing down and getting her way. She won't take you seriously at first, so you need to have clear consequences that she can actually feel, in order to show her that she no longer has all the power in your relationship.
If she has been dominating the marriage for years, she probably feels that she is in total control of the relationship. She knows that you will believe her, she knows that you aren't leaving and she thinks you can be manipulated. She can minimize and lie to you because she knows you will believe her...and she also knows that if you don't believe her, you will stuff your feelings and carry on as usual.
The entire dynamic in your marriage needs to change.
The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on. - Pink Floyd
You have gotten a lot of good advice about exposing the affair.
Affairs are like mold in the walls of your house. Keep the sunshine out, let the secrecy go on, it will destroy the house, it will destroy the marriage.
Your job is not to attack your wife, or the OM, it is to attack the secrecy.
You want to be a good husband, then be one, you do that by letting the sun shine in full force.
Destroy the secrecy.
Be interesting to see if she lets me know this. Anyone want to bet. How about the texts think there still there? I already know, will pick up a VAR on the way home, looking into phone key logger, need to check her phone for compatibility first.
Need to see how deep this rabbit hole goes.
Problem is that if she does not tell me about the contact, I’m not sure I would be able to hold it in.