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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Husband looking for insite
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Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, December 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OC--I am a mom of 3 boys that are very involved in sports. I have never had their coach's private phone numbers, much less played FaceBook games with them. Even the coaches that were *friends* of our family....I had their wives phone numbers, not theirs.

So, that being said, assuming I don't leave my FB account up, when I delete this conversation, it will be gone?

I am going to piss all over the party that you are trying (hoping) to have. Your WW is MOST LIKELY having an affair with this guy....not just an EA, either.

CALL HIS WIFE. I am a *gaslighting* veteran. Your WW is gaslighting you like something fierce.

she said she wanted to know how he felt about our conversation last night.

And ^^this^^ matters...why??? Who gives a shit how *he* feels about a conversation?

I saw above about it sometimes being a one sided EA; I think this is the case here

No. It isn't one-sided. What is it exactly that makes you believe that?

she may have deleted some so I would not feel bad

Bull-fucking-shit. She deleted some so that you couldn't read them.

And here is the mother-lode:

"Oh bummer. I'm sure it was fun hanging out with the guys. You were right about &&& checking the cell phone account, I couldn't believe it. Thank goodness I told him Sat that I had texted you about the games I know he looked at my phone to see the texts but I had deleted them except for the first 2. So, he noticed that more were on the account than what I had on the phone. So that led to some issues again. I didn't even know he would know how to go into account."

"Luckily, the last couple days he's been worrying about me dying so he's settled down. :) "

How did you feel when you read ^^that^^? You have a SERIOUS PROBLEM on your hands, my friend.

Advice time: You do not have the luxury of believing that you and your WW are on the *same* team. She is quite obviously, to me anyway, NOT on team*OC*. She is talking ABOUT you, her this douchebag OM. And it is really not too flattering. I really have no compass on whether her dealings with CoachBoy have moved past EA and into PA territory......all I know is that the way that she talks about you is highly disloyal and disrespectful.

Dude. It is time to shake her world up. Don't sit back and let her disrespect you like that. It is time to draw a hard line in the sand.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, December 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you do know that there are companies that have products that allow you to *recover* deleted texts, right? Google it. *mutterBricksomethingmutter*.

Here's another *trick/consequence* to keep in your back pocket. A poly. When/If you reach a stalemate with your *it's all innocent* WW...pull that card out of your pocket and play it.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, December 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi :)

I'm going to try and keep this short

1. You need to install spyware on her ph to see the text messages.

2. You need all passwords and if you haven't got it... Key logger

3. MOST important. NC!

From what appeared to be a one sided EA now is getting scarier and scarier.

Imformation can e scary but is your friend. All of this gas lighting your spouse is doing is really bad. Furthermore! The emotional pity me crap is just that.

I know it sounds harsh, but yeah... Information is your weapon, waywards will use anything they can to get you off the scent. You are worth far more than that!

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
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Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many marriages which can be recovered dies due to the passiveness, in activeness and fear from BSs.
They are afraid to expose, they are afraid to put their legs down and say enough is enough no more disrespect and lies, They are afraid to let them go, They afraid of asking their cheater spouse to go NC on the spot, They are afraid to do anything other than crying in front of WSs and begging for staying. They are afraid to take what they serve with a salt of grain even after knowing what they are serving is lies, diciest and disrespect.

They are afraid to even tell the OMW/H, who can only be a trusted ally in their recovery of marriage.
Your wife dont want you to tell OMW do you know why because she knows OM will dump your wife under the bus to save his ass and marriage.

Why she couldn't/didn't dump the OM under the bus do when you caught her or she realized she crossed the line because she don't give a shit about your emotions. because she know you can be blindsided easily (she did the same for 6 fuking yrs), because she know you wont do any thing.
You allowed your wife to walk over you with her lies and A behind your back. You allowed her to disrespect you by allowing her to discuss about you to OM on your back.
You still believe its an EA, know one thing EAs are more dangerous to a marriage than PAs. Dont sit Idle by having the fantasy that they will end it one day.
Your wife is n a long term relationship with OM, they may have been banging each other on your back for yrs, may be they stopped it for a while, may be it is an on and off affair.

Your wife is in damage control and minimizing and gas lighting at least realize that. She is not remorseful or on her knees begging for R or forgiveness, she didn't own up anything other than she crossed the line.

When you are going to expose to OMW? She too deserve truth, Dont she?

When you are going to say OM or you not both? When you are going to say no more contact with her A partner (He is her Affair partner not the friend she had, When you are going to realize that). You confronted OM and they laughed about it on your back. Tooo much man.

Take your head out of your ass and man up, you seems more in the fog and fantasy world than your BS.

We are not your enemies, we too are people who was cheated, who went through the same pain. Many of us may have did faaar better if we got a support like you are getting now. We made many mistakes you are making now, we dont want another BS making the same mistake.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those are exactly my words everyone is telling you since you came back
NC!!! with OP I had an agreement with my WS because they worked together and he promised and then I caught them again.
The other is what Kannan said tell the OMW you gave her a chance to make good and she keeps breaking your trust and I myself know from experience it is the hardest thing to do cause you think it will damage your relationship more BUT the OPW has a right to know too
Think about it that was you and you knew nothing wouldn't you want someone to tell you and maybe her finding out and discussing this with her WS maybe that will take time away from him pursuing your spouse. You gave her ample opportunity to back off and she begged you to not tell the OPS well she broke her promise and the OP has a right to know.
In my case my OP swears she has "NO SECRETS" so every opportunity I get to make sure that is true I do and it pisses her off every time. I told her bosses at work her ex and pretty soon her grown children will know how she went after my spouse knowing me my kids and everthing about our marriage.
I am not here to make my OP life easy she declared war and I am in for the full fight!
I ordered the book I spoke to you about just remember what I said Keep your eyes wide open they will speak right to ya but 90% of the time lies come out. It's like they believe it as much as they want you to believe. And on your other note I was and am completely devastated knowing my WS spoke to the OP (whore) about me behind my back and our personal life (including sex life) that is one of the most unforgivable things I will never get over! That was something between him and I that should not have been shared with a company hoe! Like my SIL says
Use your head not your heart!

together 21 years
1st D-Day 4-19-10
2nd D-Day 5-3-12
married 19 years
2 kids 13-twins

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Florida
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Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a little late to this thread and I'm typing this on my phone. Sorry for the typos.

OC. First off, know that I was you. Our stories are so similar, if we ever meet IRL I'll check you for the other half of this amulet.

I'm five years out from where you are. For more detailed discussions, please PM me and I'll share all I have.

For know, you need to stop sharing your pain with your WW. She isn't safe to share it with her. She'll use it against you and share it with OM. She's only hearing it as whining no matter what she says to your face.

In my case, I asked my fWW to have OM email me so we could talk, but not to tell him what we discussed or what she told me. She did both so he could get his story straight. Later I melted down and bore my soul, telling her how much it hurt to see her texting him and begging her to stop. She promised me she would then sent him an email from an account she didn't know I was monitoring letting him about my pain and instructing to cool things down awhile.

She needs to see you taking positive constructive action to save yourself, then the marriage if she want to tag along. Read up on the 180. It really works.

Get strong. You're in a fight for your life.

When I was at the stage your at know, I did all the wrong things. Listen very carefully to the advise you've given. It's golden (most of it).

No Contact is a must my friend. Anything else simply will not work. As long as she's plugged into aspects of the fantasy, she'll always see you as the humdrum reality she's escaping.

We're here for you.

BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot

Posts: 644 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
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Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, December 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother, I don't want to be yet another person slamming you with a two by four, but BELIEVE ME!!!

Your wife is having an affair with this punk. They both know that you know about it and are MOCKING you behind your back. Her TEARS are more from being CAUGHT than anything, I can not TELL you the RIVERS of tears my ex-husband cried over the TWO YEARS OF HELL he put me through with a "friend".

I KNOW YOU WANT TO BELIEVE THE BEST... She just shattered your world. But you are giving her WAY too much credit and leeway and everyone here is completely spot on.

2. SPYWARE EVERYWHERE (don't think for one minute that they won't get another phone or way to communicate because they will)
4. Follow her.

Sounds harsh, but while my husband claimed no contact was happening, he was meeting her every single day at lunch at a park so they could make out in the parked car. Like you, I never imagined it would happen to me. And it did.

Sadly it becomes a game for these cheaters... they become quite addicted to the thrill of the sneaking around. By not completely following through and monitoring EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE you just make it more fun for them.

I'm so terribly sorry for your pain.

Divorced 04/12/12
I am FREE!

Posts: 641 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Was in Florida/Now in Texas
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Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't going to reply to your post as I thought the responses to your first posts were too harsh towards your wife. You admitted yourself that your wife and this guy were friends, and married people are allowed to be friends with members of the opposite sex, albeit with boundaries. But as your posts have progressed, I'm starting to side with everyone else.

And now I'm starting to think you're delusional.

Gonnabe's post is right on target. Somehow you read that communication and still think they aren't cheating. I wouldn't draw that conclusion. They are obviously discussing whether you were checking up on them, which means they were probably discussing ways to hide their communications. I think you have some bad times coming.

I would expose, personally.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, overcomming. There are red flags ALL OVER this story. I'm afraid you haven't uncovered everything yet.

Everyone who is urging complete NC as a pre-requisite for healing the damage in your M is correct. It'll suck and be awkward for her. Oh, well. She put the two of you in that position, not you. It's a price she should be willing to pay to shield you from further pain, and in order to repair the damage she's done.

As for disclosing to OM's BW, I think it should definitely be done, for all the reasons people here have suggested. Two pairs of BS eyes watching two waywards is better than one.

Hang in there, take it day by day, and keep reading and posting here. SI really is an amazing font of collective wisdom and support.

rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your replies, been an up and down month.

Things have been good, or I am lost. She did email mail him about a coupon savings idea for our kids for their activity about 2 days after last contact.

She let me know and did not delete it.

He has not responded back, in over a week+.

We had conflicting kids’ activities last Monday night and had to drop our son off at the one he’s at, when we came back to pick him up, I went in and she decided to follow. We said hi and chatted with a few people, he was there cleaning up. She or I did not say anything to him. WOW that was awkward.

I asked later if they had any contact with him in the past 2 weeks other than that email that she sent him a week and ˝ ago, she said no. She asked if I deleted it somehow, or talked to him. I said no (truth).

I guess he has figured out that I could shake up his life, and his getting out of dodge for now. All 8 of the last 8 communications from confrontation have been imitated by her, going back a month I told her she is acting pathetic.

After the last communication, I told her again that I have everything, games, chats, phone logs, our confrontation recorded. She did not even know what a screen shot was.

I know most everyone here has had much worse happen to them. I know she was in a friendship that got to close, emotions were there, they were getting off the “just good friends”, and on that slippery slope. I caught them (I know for sure) before anything physical happened.

I just need her to see where she was at, admit it to herself and move forward.

So, it’s a level week +, no contact, this verified and believed, before she would tell me about any contact, but leave things out. Now that I can see everything, I can believe.

She still has it in her mind as just a good friendship, I pointed out that it was she that said it was inappropriate; it was she that said she would not delete stuff and did twice, that it was she that said to another married man that she would lie to me to communicate with him.

This embarrassed her, she does not know where she’s at, told her to read the book “not just friends” on our tablet. One month, still has not read, I guess does not want to see the reality of our situation. Told her, read it or I am out of here next year.
Sent her this link this AM

Like I said, I can see / hear just about everything, phone, computers, cell, VAR and there has been nothing.

A new personal best for me
was I was able to hack her work email from off site, there side was semi secure; wow I was SO SURE I would see something, but nothing, great sign.

Holidays upon us lots of visitors from out of state.

Current Plan, hide, look, listen. If it dies great, if not BOOM, I’m out no middle ground with me right now.

Thanks all have a Happy Holiday Season.

ME 43
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
solus sto
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Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can only monitor devices of which you are aware. This is where the OM's wife ( and no, he's not a friend who got too close; he's an affair partner) comes in. She can serve as another set of eyes and ears, and help you ascertain if there really *is* no contact, or if there is evidence of contact on her husband's end (indicating that your wife has perhaps gotten a throwaway phone or has forsaken electronic communication for in-person liaisons.)

I completely understand head-in-the-sand syndrome. But given the messages you've shared here and your chosen interpretation, I am concerned for you.

Why? Because one of the most difficult aspects of infidelity is self-forgiveness--when you are able to accept what really is going on, and realize the ground lost by feverishly working to convince yourself it's naught but a friendship (one that you note, at very first mention pages ago, had your gut screaming SIX years ago)...well, realizing that you've known all along, known when it might have still made a difference, but chose not to face it is HORRENDOUS.

The traumatized mind metes out understanding and acceptance in doses we can tolerate. It becomes our responsibility to be honest with ourselves when it does so. Failing to do so is tremendously harmful -- to YOU. The marriage? There won't be one. Infidelity is NOT a wait-and-see proposition. It's not a let's-see-how-this-unfolds thing. It's NOT an ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away situation. And it's NOT "just a friendship that went too far but is okay now."

I'm really sorry --- truly. I wish it were what you wish it were. But we all know that wishing doesn't make it so. Please, prepare for more.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:33 PM, December 20th (Thursday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8829 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Long Gone
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Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Contact the OMs wife....let her know of what you know of...and your concerns.

You want to see a bubble popped? me...I lived it.

D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, December 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You better or I'm gonna...

If this happens again I'm gonna...

You better not do this again or else....

Next year this you better...

Quit giving yourself away.

BS: Me
FWS: Her
M: 17 Years
Daughter: 15
DD: 8/2006
Getting through real recovery.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Aug 2006
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Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, December 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude - what lumpy said - !!

If you still have even the slightest inkling (remember back in Nov how you trusted your gut) that your W and this guy are engaged in an inappropriate friendship then end it ...

All this techno-spying and empty threats will end nothing, my friend. If they want to have an A, they will. If you want to blow it up it before it gets out of control (if it hasn't already) then do it.

You told her that you essentially have her wired. That she can't move without you knowing about it. Not so sure, as a partner in a M, that I'd be OK with being monitored 24/7. That if she slips up you'll be out the door in January. What does that even mean anyway?

The guy hasn't contacted her in over a week. REALLY??? How are you so sure?

You were at an event where the guy was cleaning up and you thought it was awkward that the 3 of you were together? Again, why? B/c nobody said anything to one another? IMHO perhaps you should've initiated conversation ... after all, you're still his friend, right?

Until you have a sit down with his W, like everyone here has suggested that you do, then nothing changes. Take control.

Posts: 1967 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
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Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, December 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She did email mail him about a coupon savings idea for our kids for their activity about 2 days after last contact

Excuse me, but does your WW NOT understand what NC means???? Jeez.Louise!!

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She probably has another cell phone. My ex did and I found it hidden in our suburban. Also, since she has a tablet, it's possible she has another secret email account to email him on. OR, possibly a work email. When my ex was cheating with the woman he used to work with all their emails were through their job. However once he got downsized he began communicating through his private email and I found them on his cell phone. She's not being truthful with you. He's only staying away NOW just to ensure that you don't tell his wife.

Don't be like me, I didn't tell her husband and the affair continued, even once the physical part stopped the emotional affair continued for YEARS off and on. Mainly during his birthday and her birthday, then holiday's. Although I will admit, telling her husband (in my case) wouldn't have done any good because HE was cheating and she knew so she was "getting back" at him. This was geesh, 6-8 years ago. I'm no longer with my ex, their emotional affair eventually ended because SHE ended it and he began seeing others. However, I recently found out that HER husband is STILL cheating on her and I'm sure that my ex and her are probably still in contact. Just please, please don't tell her where you got your information from. I NEVER told him. Even when I would find stuff out, I would only confront about the most pressing, I wouldn't tell him about everything I found. That way he became paranoid. Anyway, GL

I truly understand how difficult it is to realize that someone you truly love without conditions would do something so unfeeling to you. They're totally in a fog and are only focused on SELF. When I was going through what I went through it was about 10 years ago and I didn't find out for sure until 2006. By 2008 we agreed he would move out and he moved out in 2009. He now wants to reconcile however, he hasn't changed. By that I mean, he truly is only focused on self.

He taught me so much, self worth.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: krisdev
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Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, December 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You think you have your wife on lock down.

But you cannot be everywhere all the time.

Plus that is noway to live.

Go se his wife. Bring some of the evidence.

Let her put her husband on lockdown.

You never said you would not do it.

And if he or his wife calls your wife, wait for her to tell you.

Do not say a word.

Just Do It!


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
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Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to all of this. Just 2 weeks out. I would have her read as much as she can from the point of view of the betrayed. My husband has explainded it to me as a fog. Where he was in a seperate bubble with this ow. There was PC. It does not take much to get there and only one opportunity to really cross the line. They do not know how painful this is for the BS nor for how long. She needs to understand and want to understand if she wants a healthy marriage with you. I am in counseling and we are in MC. You need all of the facts and hit it head on. She needs to undersand how far she may have gone just because her ego was being flattered. It is an answer you can never really know the truth to but if she starts to understand how much she almost betrayed you in her magical bubble she probably would never go there. I have no real advise but the pain I am going through. I have been in contact with both the OW and her H. We are monitoring and cutting off all contact. I really hope that my love and faith in my husband means this is only temporary until the fog lifts. If not this may not be the fight I want. Good luck and you are in my prayers.

Me: BS 45
Him: WH 45
DDay #1: 12/17/12; OW 47 married 23
DDay #2 2/1/13 EA 6 years ago for 2 weeks with a married college friend through FB
Married 18 years, together 21 years
3 kids; 7,13,16
R trying IC and MC

Posts: 251 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By not exposing the affair, you are PROTECTING and ENABLING their affair. You are doing everything but the necessary actions to stop it. Wake the F#$K UP!!!!!

Your worried about your wife keeping secrets from you but you are keeping the secret of the affair from the other mans wife. Hypocrite.

[This message edited by MeanBean at 12:55 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

Me BH:36
Ex W:33
Married 7 years/Dated 3 years
DDay1:October 12 2011
DDay2:November 3 2011

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MeanBean inapropriate dude, calm down.

BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot

Posts: 644 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Topic Posts: 95
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