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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage




Posts: 30754 | Registered: Mar 2011
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsbetrayed's excellent post on resources for those dealing with SA:

List of resources for Spouses/Partners of SA
This is the advice and list of resources I give to all members newly dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. This is all good advice even if you don't stay together. If you don't educate yourself about SA and codependency you're very likely to end up with another addict partner.
~~
Educate yourself about sexual addiction.
First and foremost you should read these books:
"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes.
"Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD

and

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
~~~~
His best hope for recovery is for him to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

You might also want to start on that website to find a good therapist for yourself. He has to work his recovery on his own and even if he doesn't get help you'll need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. And believe me, it IS a trauma. You need to find counselors who are experts on SA otherwise you're in for a world of confusion and pain. (This is my opinion based on experience)
~~~~
Online resources:
http://www.sexhelp.com
This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org
Sexaholics Anonymous
If your husband faces his sex addiction and seeks treatment he'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.)

http://www.recoverynation.com is an excellent online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.)

http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on what they call "porn addiction" however, there is no such thing, it is ALL sex addiction. The info on their site is so good that I still recommend it with the explanation that "porn" addiction is in fact "sex" addiction.
~~~~
To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn't face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want. I don't advise women to stay with SAs who are not in recovery and who are not sober.

I recommend for the partner (in addition to the 3 above):

"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and the others, but not before.)

For the SA:
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes
(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your husband to start if he's willing to face his addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart")

Most SAs have a serious porn habit, this book "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy, would be a good book for the SA. Mr. Leahy is a recovering sex addict who had a serious porn addiction that cost him pretty much everything before he finally hit bottom. (I don't recommend that wives read this book at first. It's too triggery for "just found outs")
~~~~
Sadly, a really helpful post regarding boundaries and consequences has long since been lost. Here is a link to a website with good info on it:
http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

This is going to be vital for you going forward. You cannot force him to seek treatment and you cannot control him but you do have a right to set boundaries to keep yourself safe.

12 steps of S-Anon:

1. We admitted we were powerless over sexaholism - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


Here are some examples of the 12 steps translated to a secular versions:

Humanist 12 steps:

1. We accept the fact that all our efforts to stop acting out sexually have failed.

2. We believe that we must turn elsewhere for help.

3. We turn to our fellow man, particularly those who have struggled with the same problem.

4. We have made a list of the situations in which we are most likely to act out sexually.

5. We ask our friends to help us avoid those situations.

6. We are ready to accept the help they give us.

7. We honestly hope they will help.

8. We have made a list of the persons we have harmed and to whom we hope to make amends.

9. We shall do all we can to make amends, in any way that will not cause further harm.

10. We will continue to make such lists and revise them as needed.

11. We appreciate what our friends have done and are doing to help us.

12. We, in turn, are ready to help others who may come to us in the same way.

The Atheist/Agnostic 12 Steps

1. We admitted that we were using sexual acting out in spite of better judgment, and that it was destroying many aspects of, if not all aspects of our lives and causing harm to ourselves and those around us.

2. Came to realize that we needed the support of others that could truly relate to us, what our acting out had done to us and those around us, and could help steer us back on track when our thinking and behavior got destructive. In short, that we can not find all of the answers alone.

3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life into the right direction, despite my desire to overindulge myself. I realized that I am much more fulfilled as a person when I am truly there to take care of myself and others; and that this is impossible when actively acting out.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs. When appropriate, asked the opinions of others and were willing to take those opinions into consideration, whether they were what we wanted to hear or not.

6. Were entirely ready to make a plan of action to stop these behaviors that were harmful to us and others.

7. Let go of resentments, or at least became willing to try. Started to acknowledge that many of our resentments really came down to our defects, not those of others.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Made a genuine effort to maintain a positive attitude, practice patience and understanding of others, and remain honest with ourselves when tracing the root of our troubles. Continued to think for ourselves and not be easily led, but seriously considered the input of others.

12. Having a much stronger sense of self-worth and purpose as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other SAs, and to practice these principles in all our affairs


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma,

I think that whey you describe your SAWH in your posts, it doesn't sound like he is exhibiting recovery behaviors. I guess I don't understand why he would go to that party without you in the first place. It isn't that my H doesn't go places by himself or with friends, but he definitely isn't going to a party alone. Not because I have him on a leash, but because it isn't a healthy recovery environment, especially early in recovery. A lot of lifestyle changes have to be made for recovery to be successful. My H has changed the movies/shows he watches, the activities he does with his leisure time, etc. My H is over 3 years into recovery, and has worked a lot on structuring his time and putting in healthy diversions and in setting goals. There are a lot of things that lead down the slippery slope of acting out. That is one of the things that the three circles (the bullseye) exercise helps the addict identify.

As for his emotional maturity level in dealing with the children, that also goes with addict behavior. I know my H is outwardly very successful, but inside he felt immature, like he was a child in a man's body. He has grown a lot into being more responsible, but those feelings were deeply ingrained from an abusive childhood.

I know you have stated that your WH is a recovering drug addict. It sounds as if he went from one addiction to another. If the root causes of SA are not addressed, the FOO issues and the toxic shame, he may not be acting out, but he will not be anything more than a "dry drunk". Addiction is very hard to overcome and requires intense commitment and lifestyle change.

Keep taking care of yourself, and doing what you need to for you.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to post the S-Anon problem again, in the first page. I think it is especially poignant for all of us to remember that we are not alone in all of this, that we didn't cause this and that we can't cure it. Hugs to all.

The S-Anon Problem (Long Version)

S-Anon members have much in common with the friends and family members of other addicted people. Most of us grew up in families with secrets, and we were not taught to think about our own needs and take positive action to meet them. As we grew up we felt more and more lonely and isolated as we chose friends and partners who could not or would not love and support us in a healthy way. We lived life from the standpoint of victims and perceived any personal criticism as a threat. For most of us, anger and depression were a way of life. We were so afraid of being left alone that anxiety and frustration were nearly constant. Whether or not we were exposed to sexaholism as children, most of us think that we acquired some unhealthy beliefs about ourselves very early in our lives - that we were not worthwhile and lovable, that we were able to control other people's behavior, and that sex was the most important sign of love.

What is different is that we have felt the additional shame of being involved with the sexaholism of a family member or friend. It does not matter a great deal whether that person was a member of our birth family, a partner, spouse, child, or someone outside the family like a friend, teacher, or boss. It does not matter whether we were willing, unwilling, or unknowing participants in the relationship - sexaholism deeply affected our lives. Our self-esteem dropped to lower and lower levels, and we doubted our attractiveness, our emotions, our sanity, and our human worth. We have felt betrayed by those we loved the most, and those of us who didn't know about the sexaholic behavior felt even more humiliated and stupid for not knowing. Many of us were sexually abused, exposed to sexually transmitted diseases and otherwise placed in physical danger. We were often afraid to trust others and reach out for help because we were afraid of what they would think of us or of the sexaholic.

Some of us reacted to sexaholism by denying its existence or minimizing its importance. We stuffed our feelings of anger and abandonment to the point that we felt emotionally numb. We told ourselves things like "Everybody does this," "This shouldn't bother me," or even "It can't be true - he wouldn't do that." Others focused on the sexaholic and the sexual behavior to the point of obsession. We tried every known method to control it. We lied and covered up, spied at doorways, listened to private conversations, checked up on the sexaholic's whereabouts, read through journals and personal papers, begged, pleaded, and threatened. Some of us participated in sexual behavior that we did not enjoy or that made us ashamed of ourselves. Many of us tried to use sex to manipulate the sexaholic, thinking that being part of the acting out would give us a little bit more control over our lives. Most of felt that we must have done something to deserve this kind of treatment, and that happiness was for others, not for us. Some of us misused drugs, alcohol, or food to numb the pain; others used activities, such as shopping, exercising or working, to keep from feeling our emotions. We often neglected our health, our jobs and our children. No matter how we tried to struggle against it, deny it or minimize its effects, the failure of our efforts to cope with sexaholism brought us to the point of despair. This is what we mean when we say in the First Step, "our lives had become unmanageable."


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

!!!! Wow, new thread!

Missy I'm sorry you are having such a crappy time. Has something new happened or is the current mess just too much?

I've been so. so. angry lately. Teeth grinding, radiating fury (hath, it brings your username to mind!)

I am so blazingly mad that for 4.5 years, I didn't know what was going on in my own life. I didn't know that this partner who seemed the most trustworthy, upstanding, loyal, honest, faithful, brilliant, perfect man was a FRONT! He has always made me feel less-than, like I'm the fuckup. Yeah, okay. Asshole. We both are.

Suddenly now he senses how close he is to losing me. I suspect, all the way in my bones, in the deepest part of me, that he's just playing along until I become complacent again. I cannot, will not trust him, for a very long time.

He is the best liar I have ever known. Ever.

Thank god I have a CSAT appointment tomorrow. My first in a few weeks, so it's long overdue now that I'm truly feeling the raw, unadulterated pain and misery of this situation.

F-! I hate this.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM,

I am so blazingly mad that for 4.5 years, I didn't know what was going on in my own life. I didn't know that this partner who seemed the most trustworthy, upstanding, loyal, honest, faithful, brilliant, perfect man was a FRONT! He has always made me feel less-than, like I'm the fuckup

Yes, it is a front! You are absolutely correct. That is why the SA doesn't want a divorce; they want to keep us around to maintain appearances. I know my H never entertained thoughts of divorce, even though he once told me he was going to kill himself "to spite" me.

It is ok to be angry. Now what are you going to do about feeling like he is manipulating you? What are you doing to get healthier for yourself? Going to see the CSAT is a great place to start. They are all great liars, that goes with the territory. The amount of gaslighting that my H did over the years made me feel like I was truly crazy at times.

I cannot, will not trust him, for a very long time.

That is ok, too. Trust is not something that should just be given. Trust is earned with years of recovery behaviors. What sort of recovery behaviors is your SAWH exhibiting? Ask yourself that.

Always take care of yourself first and foremost. Always put your own healing first. You are worth it!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much, TMY.

A large part of me feels that I deserve all this. I messed up too.

But NO ONE deserves this nightmare. He is working out of country for a period of time and has minimal, if any contact with his CSAT. Nothing regular "because it's so expensive." I agree, what he has to pay for an email is outrageous, but he can afford it, he makes plenty more money than I do. He is doing workbooks on codependency right now. No 12 step work on SA that I know of, unless codependent work counts. Does it?

He is still on Facebook, and I have turned mine off. He is still friends with all the people that he mb'd to, because it would be conspicuous for him to defriend my sisters, and my best friends. But remaining friends with my 18yo sister's 18yo friends seems like a simple thing to change. I am not telling him to, though, because I am in Observation Mode and working on my own codependent issues (homework from CSAT).

His codependency manifests by clinging to me as if his very life depends on it. I suppose his credibility does, in his mind. It drains any love and affection I have for him. He has said many times that the thing he fears most is emotional and physical rejection from me. I wish he would just work on his healing without focusing on the outcome. It feels like he is a child that needs to grow up.

In my own healing I've had to let the outcome go and it is liberating. I had a ONS. He has every right to leave me. Every right. He had an A, did some repulsive, disgusting stuff as a kid that he is responsible for, and mb'd to people we KNOW regularly, in addition to fetish porn that skeeves me out. I have every right to leave him too. But he would go bananas if I did. I do feel that my concern, for his response to D would be so outrageous, is tied in to my codependent issues.

I am ok with the possible outcome of us not being together. I am also taking charge of knowing what is going on by taking advantage of some of the info in IT. I hope I can get some answers, but if not, I take peace in knowing I don't have to rush a decision to R or D, and that what I already know is enough to choose either.

I do deserve better than this. I deserve a loving H who will be himself with me and show me his true colors. With friends and family I can't help but be honest, and be me. I know nothing else. I do feel like I am a genuine person, and becoming healthier now that I'm in IC with a great CSAT who not only helps with my M issues but also my FOO. I hope if we stay M that my H can be honest and genuine, truly and really. I just am unsure how to know when it's safe to let down my guard.

I suppose it's going to take so long that I should buckle my seatbelt and not expect to get off this train anytime soon anyway!


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the root causes of SA are not addressed, the FOO issues and the toxic shame, he may not be acting out, but he will not be anything more than a "dry drunk". Addiction is very hard to overcome and requires intense commitment and lifestyle change.

Absolutely, he very rarely acts like he is. The MC today was really helpful. I was still so mad that I was really not willing to listen but she did get him to own up to the fact that he slipped. My part is that when I get mad I just don't care anymore. I don't care what he says or what he thinks.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I am feeling better, much more in my body. I am starving and haven't been hungry for the last 3 days. This was awful. His response was as much a trigger as the slip. As far as why did he go to the party alone. Well, I insisted he go for a while. This has never been an issue before, this was around a bunch of parents from school. He is generally not social and has been trying to work on that. I knew some of our friends would be there and thought, "No big deal." Probably won't ever think that way again.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suddenly now he senses how close he is to losing me. I suspect, all the way in my bones, in the deepest part of me, that he's just playing along until I become complacent again. I cannot, will not trust him, for a very long time.

That gave me chills! So sorry, that is just not a good feeling.

I feel like mine just does the bare minimum. He doesn't want to dig into his FOO issues again. He has done it before but never finished the work.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM, I may be new to the SA thing, but I'm not new to codependency thing. I've been working on my own codependency close to 2 years now, and it's been the most freeing experience I've been through.

I learned how to be a codependent with my bio mother, but fell into it again when my SAH and I were going through a bunch of health problems.

I finally feel pretty free from it. Just a few days ago my H went into the doc for some health issues due to procrastination and I did not go and clean up his mess like I would have in the past.

He has said many times that the thing he fears most is emotional and physical rejection from me. I wish he would just work on his healing without focusing on the outcome. It feels like he is a child that needs to grow up.

Don't give into your codependency control urges by worrying too much about the pace of his recovery. I've learned that this will drive you insane. If he truly wants to get better, he will do it for himself, regardless of the outcome or your possible rejection. If he doesn't want the recovery on his own, he won't ever recover. Compounding that though, if he does want to recover, he will have to go at his own pace. There is no linear timetable for recovery, unfortunately. I've learned this the hard way, but dealing with your own codependency issues will be freeing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is hang in there, a lot of us are going through this, and if you need to talk, I'm here.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't give into your codependency control urges by worrying too much about the pace of his recovery. I've learned that this will drive you insane. If he truly wants to get better, he will do it for himself, regardless of the outcome or your possible rejection. If he doesn't want the recovery on his own, he won't ever recover. Compounding that though, if he does want to recover, he will have to go at his own pace. There is no linear timetable for recovery, unfortunately. I've learned this the hard way, but dealing with your own codependency issues will be freeing.

That is great advice (even though not given to me) I think I will take it. Right now just going to have to detach a little to focus on me. I was doing better with that before this slip, it sent me reeling.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The advice is open to anyone who'll take it Missy

I knew my husband was serious about recovery when he told me that "even if I don't stay together with you (QV), I will just carry this problem on to the next person and I'll never have a good relationship." And, when he said he did not want to have a relationship with his hand and the computer screen for the rest of his life. So far, his actions have backed up his words.

A lot of progress has been made, but he still has a long way to go to. If he wasn't being completely remorseful and owning his shit, and attending therapy and group weekly, I don't think I could be this patient. Being the spouse of an addict is not for the faint of heart, and if your spouse has not hit that point when he "gets it" I'm sure it takes longer still.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, there's been a lot of posting and a lot going on with everyone.

34 - I am shocked and saddened by what your H did to you. Did he snap? I can't believe that you were just posting about how you are concerned because your daughter is blaming your H's behavior on you (and that was your biggest concern) and now your H rapes and physically assaults you - it's too much to bear, especially with your discovery being so recent. You are a strong woman - prayers, hugs and strength to you and your family.

RTR (and everyone dealing with codependency issues) - try "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie - changed my life.

NEM - I just started feeling the anger too and it is so powerful. It sounds like you are in a good place (re: ok with R or D) and I hope you have a good visit with the CSAT tomorrow. Oh, and "working on codependency" for SAWH doesn't count. Seeing a CSAT, going to a 12 step program counts. Too expensive - bullshit.

Almost every thing that each poster says resonantes with me: fake life, feel like WH goes through the motions until I become complacent again, won't trust, etc. Sorry that everyone is going through this.

Missymomma - so sorry about your H. I hope you find some healing - be good to yourself - exercise, get a massage, take good care of yourself now. You have suffered another trauma.

((((((SA spouses))))))


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in with everyone. Today is going better for me. Had a test and did very well. WHSA went to IC today and is being very supportive. Of course he waits until it is the last resort and I am telling him I just feel done. If he stays consistent, I am sure that feeling will pass. If he doesn't, I am done. It is good to know that. I am going to kick school up into high gear next semester. Put my life as a priority.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy - glad you are feeling better today. Congrats on doing so well on your test!

I'm reading "Don't Call it Love" right now by Patrick Carnes and I thought of you, Missy. I can't remember where you and SAWH are in recovery, but the book talks about slips being common in the second half of the first year, because this is when the SA enters the grief stage. Grief is a painful emotion and SAs don't like to feel pain, so they act out (like they are used to doing) to numb the pain.

The book is great - very detailed about the development of the addiction and the recovery process.

(((((((SA spouses))))))


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’ve been gone for a while and just wanted to update everyone and get some feedback. It also helps to write it out on here. My SAWH and I went on a little weekend getaway shortly after he cancelled out anniversary weekend. We had an amazing time and talked so much. I saw a different man in front of me and it was amazing and I began to drop my guard over the next few weeks. He was still going to church and attending counseling. I decided to move some things home and give this one last shot.

The first few weeks, we made dinner together, helped around the house and was very attentive to my needs. Simple things that he never did like put his arm around me or our touch my knee while we were sitting next to each other were happing everyday.

Slowly, he stopped counseling and attending church. Church due to his work schedule and his counselor said to come see her in a few months. He said he’s got his issue beat. He seems really cold again and coming home from work in a bad mood. Not everyday, but a few days a week. We have opposite days off and I would come home to a messy house and dishes in the sink because he decided to race motorcycles all day. I would ask him nicely to have everything picked up before I got home, but nothing changed.

Sex hasn’t been great. It was never a problem before, but now all I see is him being with someone else. Now, when I try most of the time he denies me because he said he knows he can’t make me feel good anymore and it hurts him. My counselor said in time, he would get better by showing me through his actions. I told him I wanted and needed his touch, but apparently my insecurity caused by all of this is not attractive to him.

Feel like such an idiot and last night I was really sad. I don’t think he is cheating again, I’ve checked his computer and phone, but who knows. When we went to bed he asked why I haven’t been wearing my ring and I said it wasn’t a good reminder to me and when I looked at it, it made me feel sad. Everything it represented was a lie. He said, oh that’s great! He told me he felt like we were headed back down hill again and that he was unhappy and I agreed. So, now what I ask myself…. I’m supposed to be hosting Thanksgiving tomorrow. Yay, it’s going to be fun pretending! He messaged me today and was nice, but I’m so sad, lost and confused. I don’t want to waste anymore time and something that might be so broken it can’t be fixed. Sorry if there are any typos and my rambling…. I’m at work and don’t have time to proof read.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been absent for a while and haven’t had a chance to catch up on everyone, but I could really use some help. I’m not sure what to do.

Short recap – I discovered in June that WH had been paying for online video sex chats for the last two years (significant $$$ that we couldn’t afford). After further digging I also discovered he has paid for subscriptions to porn sites dating back at least six years. WH said he has always “had an interest in pornography.” I think he hid/suppressed this for a long time, but it has been escalating for the last several years – until it became so noticeable that it tipped me off that something was seriously wrong in my marriage.

We have had several showdowns; the last one was 2 weeks ago. I told WH he was a POS liar and a coward. I told him to GET OUT. He said he wouldn’t because he “doesn’t want to give up on the marriage.” I told him he either goes back to IC and makes an appointment for MC or he is OUT – and of course no more going to “that” site and no more porn.

He was back to porn almost immediately; 95% of his time on the computer is looking at porn videos, nude pictures or sexually related content (sexiest cheerleaders, wardrobe malfunctions, etc). And now he is back looking at the sex chat site. WH, of course is lying to me and doesn’t know that I know. I have never told him about SI, how I found out or what I have done to protect myself (drives him crazy!).

Our first MC appointment isn’t for another two weeks. He has an IC appointment next week. I know WH is lying and minimizing to his IC. I sent her a letter about six weeks ago telling her that he is lying to me, her and himself. I also required that he sign a waiver so I could contact her.

So now my question. Because of WH’s lying and minimizing, I don’t believe the subject/possibility of SA has come up in my WH’s counseling. She wants to try EMDR with him to “dig deeper to find out why.” (WH didn’t want to, which is why he stopped going). Do I contact her before his appointment next week and lay it all out to her? Do I wait until MC (all three are different people) and confront WH about SA again then? The only reason WH is in counseling at all is because I made it a requirement back in June. I know - I can’t fix him and I am in IC myself.

WH is totally unremorseful (regrets getting caught), denies the impact of what he has done (it was just a “game”) and does not think what he did constitutes infidelity or betrayal. I feel I am moving closer to the inevitable - divorce. I think I would like S at least, just to have some peace. I have been fighting so hard to “save” our 33 year marriage, and now I am wondering why I am bothering.

Thanks,
nightsky


BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs

DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all, feeling all your pain, and hoping you can all put it aside enough to enjoy a peaceful day tomorrow.
I am taking drugs to curb my anger. I guess it's a necessary crutch. I am not taking much, but I can't do without, at least right now.

Hugs to all..


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nightsky - So sorry you are in the throes of this. The very beginning is hard, until there is a diagnosis and they start going to a CSAT and SA, life is just hell. Hold your grounds on therapy, you have the right to let his therapist know about this. Have you been to Carnes website? www.sexhelp.com A lot of good information. Also, the list of books is great. Take care of yourself and if that means canceling tomorrow, then do it! If you want to go through with Thanksgiving for yourself then go ahead with it, just don't do it for SAWH.

The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others, not so much. Only you can decide what you want.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
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