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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We haven't lived here long, so we don't know the neighbors really well or made close local friends yet. And all the people in my S-Anon group and my therapy group live far away, so it would be a huge imposition for them to drive here even if they could do it.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lastin - so sorry you are struggling and he is not stepping up for you. I can't remember, is CSAT an option for WH? Hopefully you will get to the place where you are ready to D him if he doesn't get in recovery/become remorseful. Are you still in IC? Keep on taking gentle care of yourself.

hath- so sorry for your predicament; I hope it works out. It sounds like you have a couple of options. Sending positive mojo your way.

happyface - sooooooo happy for you - yippppppppeeeeeeeeeee!!!! I was hoping you would give the anti-managed care guy a second chance. WHHHHHHHOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO! So great to hear good news! Much luck to you both in recovery!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh for the love of Pete. They say we must both be there together in person, and they blew off my suggestion to put the kids in the empty office. So there is a Parents Night Out thing tomorrow, we will do it then. While I am glad the stars aligned for that, I am not looking forward to the doom and gloom of the next 24+ hours.

I mean obviously he did not pass. I've read up on this, and if they are holding anything back, no matter how small, willingly or unwillingly, they fail this test. An example was saying you had a ONS but omitted to reveal it was a coworker, or repressed child abuse memory. I don't know that it matters, it is not a complete disclosure either way.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((HATH))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath,

Sorry I have not been here for a while. In a bad place & feel like I can't help others right now.

I just want you to know I am thinking about & praying for you.

Remember -- you have already endured SO much --- you can do this. Whatever you hear tonight --- take it slow. Try not to make any decisions until you have had time to really think about what news you get.

I really hope you get better news.

Hugs,

Knutz


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((hath)))))))

I know its easier said than done, but try not to jump to any conclusions yet. Maybe he didnt fail or maybe its something very minor that he overlooked before. Just remember worry wont change the outcome. I know that doesnt help much. I wish I could help.

At least you are less than 24 hours from getting what we all seek..... ANSWERS. Knowledge is power, and you have prepared as much as anyone possibly could. Im so proud of you.

Wishing for the best.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hath,

It may not be what you are thinking at all. I tend to jump to the worst possible conclusions usually because I am an anxious person. I know I would probably be anticipating that he failed at least a portion of the poly, but that may not be the case.

Your joint CSATs may just want to go over the results and the plan from here as their standard operating procedure. My H has never taken a poly (and I am ok with that, and his CSAT did not require it), so I am unsure of what your joint CSAT's procedures are on it.

I want you to think back to the day he took the poly. You had went to that women's advent program and did something good for you. Remember that feeling of peace and calm you had? Do something for yourself to regain some of that feeling.

If it is a worse case scenario, what are you planning to do for yourself immediately afterwards to take care of YOU? (I am not talking about long term, D, or whatnot). Can you have a coffee date lined up with someone from your S-Anon group that you can vent to and help calm your fears? I think you should make some sort of plan for after the session. Don't just go home, but actively plan something with the support of others. If it turns out that the poly was ok or that there was a minimal lie exposed, you could still use that time to take care of yourself. Your emotions are riding high, and even if all turns out well, you will need to get some of this out.
Put a plan in place for yourself, and that will at least provide you with support and a way to decompress.

You have done so well throughout all of this. It is tough. My formal disclosure process was not as comprehensive and I was ok with that. Sometimes I think that too many details just give us too much distraction. I do think that body count (although mine was approximate...there were so many years of acting out) and certain activities need to be uncovered. At some point though, I think we end up obsessing about things instead of moving forward with our recoveries and assessing where our spouses are in recovery. As paradoxical as it sounds, the sex acts are just a symptom of the addiction. Until they learn to rebuild intimacy and to face their issues, the other stuff is all just distraction.

Good luck, and keep taking care of YOU!!!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

putonahappyface,

I have positive news. SAWH agreed to try the anti managed-care only CSAT in town (Fri only) guy. He went this morning, & loved him! He knew his stuff, & actually took notes (other guy didn't). H is feeling so much better just knowing someone understands, & has a plan for recovery. So I feel much better today too! I prayed for God to send us the right person, & I feel as if he did! Hope you all have a peaceful weekend.

This is excellent news! A good CSAT is a key component in recovery. While 12 step group is also integral, I think both need be utilized to maximize the chances of recovery.

Remember, recovery takes a lot of time and effort. While it is great that he is taking the lead and working on this, put yourself and your healing first right now. If you can find an S-Anon group and a CSAT for yourself, that would be great. Good luck!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UCLA,

He has also told me that if I divorce him, he will fight me in court if I think that I can keep him from seeing the kids EVERY SINGLE DAY. I know that is impossible, but the fact that he's threatening me makes me sick.

You talk about the fact that your WH is going to 12 step and seeing an IC (probably not a CSAT, though), but this quote makes me think he is still behaving like an addict and has not hit his rock bottom. Addicts are assholes. They do threaten, gaslight, blameshift, etc. Even if he is not acting out at this time, he is not in recovery.

When my H hit rock bottom, he was willing to give up everything to me (401k, house, custody, etc.), because he knew how badly he has screwed up life for not just us, but also our children. He even signed a postnup.

I actually like the previous poster's (can't remember which one, sorry!) idea of playing it cool and pushing him to get a job. That would be better for you in all ways, whether he gets serious about recovery or whether you divorce.

I also think that now is a time for you to learn about sex addiction, read up, and find an IRL support group and a CSAT for yourself. There is a lot of recovery that is involved as a spouse, whether or not your WH ever decided to enter recovery or not.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too, this guy is literally the only CSAT in town, & we live in a major metro area. He said he would see me too, or both together if we wanted, but I feel as if it needs to be just for H right now. I have my first IC appt Tue - I'll ask her what she thinks.

Honestly, this feels like trying to learn a foreign language without any textbook. There needs to be a map or guidebook of some sort...


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hath - hugs to you. We are here for you and sending you peace and love.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hath))) Thinking of you today!


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to catch up and post, but I wanted to say good luck to you, Hath


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Busy weekend but wanted to get on and say - Hath good luck today! Really hope it goes well for you.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am too tired to post now, and IDK when I will have time tomorrow. But I wanted to thank you ladies for all your love and support. I think what happened tonight is best summed up by Maya Angelou: The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just have caught up with everyone's posts. Hugs to all of you; I don't even know where to start first. It seems so much has happened with all of you.

Good to hear from you Ghost.

I wish this was easier to navigate through, HappyFace.

Lastin, I worry about you the most. I'm sending you some strength.

Hath, I'm so sorry. Hang in there.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QVee, thank you for the strength, I need it so badly.

I JUST FOUND OUT NEW/REAL INFO and I'm SICK!

I was just in his office on the computer and saw a black note book under a bunch of paper. Well, I opened it and it looked like something he may have been taking notes in while he was attempting 12-step. I say attempting because he only went twice and said it wasn't for him/couldn't go becasue of work reasons.

I thought I knew everything when I decided to move back home. I specifically asked if he had ever paid for sex, he said no, absolutely not. Well, he wrote in that book he regrets most going to massage parlors! :( I feel horrible for looking, but even worse that he lied. Why, did he lie? I can't do this anymore.. I don't even know what to say or do at this moment, I'm so afraid.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastin- I'm so sorry. I have asked about that as well, as it seems to be the next step up from heavy porn usage. Like yours, my SAWH swears he has never been, but short of a poly, I would never know.

I know it's really late & you're probably exhausted & reeling. I just wanted you to know someone was here. I've had the fever thing all day. Try & get some rest. (((Lastin)))


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, some rough days. Just want you ladies to know that there are people out here.

Lastin - I totally understand your shock. My SAWH swore up and down he hadn't had sex with any prostitutes. Of course he had. You know in your gut that this is a sick situation. Please take care of yourself. If he isn't getting help, then it will just continue and progressively get worse. Keep yourself safe. Get tested for STDs.

Hath - ((((((BIG HUG)))))) It doesn't seem like it turned out too well. You are so strong, you are doing a great job of handling the insanity.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastin, I don't usually tell people what to do on here, but you need to get yourself back out of that house. The honeymoon period of you moving back in is OVER! Now that you're back in his house, he's gone back to doing whatever he wants. He doesn't understand the damage of TT, and obviously hasn't figured out that Craigslist is still considered cheating.

I just read Hath's post about her polygraph on "My Never Ending Story." He failed a second time.

My heart goes out to you Hath.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
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