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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, December 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stabbed...I'm sorry you found yourself here. We're unfortunately one of the more popular threads on SI, it seems.

I'm glad that you're finally getting some answers, Kristend83.

As I've been reading all of the posts, I realized exactly how much time it takes for an SA to come out of the fog. I was in suspicion mode for two and a half years before DDay. In other words I had seen some flirting going on in posts on FB and Twitter and iMessage that I thought were inappropriate, but I could never find anything full blown. I kept asking WH why we weren't having sex, and he kept saying it was because of his medical problems and these women were just old friends (one was from his HS). I went through over two years of gaslighting and blameshifting.

Then DDay. I finally had the stone cold proof that he was cheating on me. We went immediately into MC. I had one of my gf's husband (who's a cop) investigate the other women. Things go a lot better, but it was still over ANOTHER year before he completely came clean, got diagnosed with SA and is finally getting the help he needs.

Like my WH, they've spent soooooo many years lying, gaslighting and blameshifting that giving it up easily doesn't happen. And even the ones who aren't NPD still have a lot of narcissistic tendencies or other addictions.

Things are going well in my WH's recovery. I see a lot of positive changes in his actions. I feel he is becoming a whole person. However, I told my therapist in IC yesterday, that I wished I could have broken it off years ago.

I went through two hospital stays with WH where he almost died each time (due to medical problems from birth, not anything else). The first time I kept him alive until the ambulance came. I told my IC that I know if I had not had those experiences of taking care of someone, sitting by their bedside praying that they didn't die, I never would've become so attached. Those experiences are unfortunately what kept me around through the years of gaslighting and the first DDay. Those experiences taught me to be codependent for awhile. I'm not codependent anymore.

Now I feel pretty good. My WH is doing the right things. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I have an exit plan and no children.

I guess what my rambling is for is that I'm trying to say that if you feel like getting out now, just get out. It will take lots of time out of your life to R with an SA, even if the outcome is good. This path is not for the faint of heart.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, December 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending out a big hug to everyone today. I am currently soaking in a bubble bath while SAWH is at 12 step mtg. Self-care at its finest

Lastin, he is determined to somehow find dirt on you so as not to be the bad guy who wrecked your marriage. Detach & don't let him drag you down!

Stabbed, so sorry you're here with us. I blocked safari from his phone, at his request. But as everyone has said, if they want to act out they'll find a way. Per my IC, I'm supposed to switch my focus to me: getting stronger & finding my joy again. Easier said than done, but I know it's what I need & what we all deserve. As Qvee said, this definitely is not for the faint of heart, which we are not!

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 11:19 AM, December 8th (Saturday)]


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, December 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to tell everyone what idiot SAWH did again.

Several weeks ago, I placed several new fake craigslist ads. All similar to what he had answered in the past. We'll I forgot I did that with everything that has been going on. Not even 2 hours after I left he had answered one of the fake ads. I actually laughed. Unbelieveable!!

I've cried a little the last few days, but all in all I'm doing ok and feel at peace. We are signing non contested divorce papers on Tuesday and I'm looking forward to closing this crazy chapter.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, December 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you lastin. You're going to feel so happy once you're free. Make sure you go to IC throughout all of this so you don't carry any of this loser's baggage with you into your next relationship.

(((lastin)))


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, December 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lastin)))
I just saw your post. I answered STBX's CL ads and got photos of him and OW in return. It was traumatic, and I can only imagine how you are feeling right now.

I just wanted to reach out and say I'm sorry for everything you're going through. I truly believe that once these guys hit the Craigs List level, there's no coming back.

You are very brave.

(((HUGS)))


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't been on in a few days, but wanted to say hugs to stabbed and bravo to lastin - you have come so far so quickly. What strong women you both are.

I will post more when I am able.

Hugs to all SA spouses...


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stabbed, this is what I would do:

Set up a keylogger on the laptop and then let him have "free time" on there.

I dont think you can stop someone from doing what they want to do. I would rather know what he will do when there is no limitations. That will give you the real answer.

It sounds like what he was doing is very sneaky. What would cause one to sneak and hide? Because they are doing something wrong.

You can do a free one week trial keylogger at relytec.com.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, everyone. Things have been really busy. Getting ready for MC today. Had my final this morning, glad that is over.

Lastin - Hope it goes well this week and you can get away from your SA, permanently.

QVee - So weird, my SAWH almost died due to medical problems at birth. It was after this that he totally went off his rocker and became a hard core addict. He says he just kind of gave up and went WTF.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Fightingmad
♀ Member
Member # 37330
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, December 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know if someone is a sex addict? We were in counseling several years ago and the counselor suggested it to him and he dismissed it. I don't know. As far as I can tell he has only physically cheated with one person but I know he has a high sex drive and would have sex daily if not several times a day if possible.


Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Married 10 yrs
Together 11 1/2 years
I've loved him forever
4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love


Posts: 597 | Registered: Oct 2012
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, December 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a high sex drive is not being a sex addict. Many SAs can not be intimate with their partners and have a low sex drive, that way.

If either of you suspect that he is an SA look at www.sexhelp.com


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
stabbed81
♀ New Member
Member # 37686
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your suggestions.

Keylogger sounds like an excellent idea. He has installed a filter in the home computer but as I said before he is very sneaky.

Problem with him is that he uses more than one computer. Home computer, work laptop and he also has Internet access on his phone. I am also thinking about installing iphonekeylogger app in his phone. He has given me password for his icloud account so his location can be tracked.

I don't know what to do with his work laptop. He works for Federal government and I don't think I can install spy ware in it. Sometimes I feel like he wont go on such websites on his work computer because he wont risk his job but then he did risk his marriage for all these years.

Anybody has recommendations about good iphone keylogger?

Thanks.


Me-BW 32
Him-33 Sex addict x 5 years
Married 7 years together 13 years
3 year old DD

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Bay area
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another update and Iím feeling a little weak. Heís pretty much left me alone the last two days, but on Saturday night he blew my phone up againÖ Here are some of the text msgs:

I never thought Iíd have to figure out how to live without you. You were not only my best friend, but my only true friend.

I want to talk to you, but at the same tine I donít want to talk this into the ground. I just feel like this is all wrong.

You said you did all you can do and Iíve said the same. I think we did things to fix ourselves, not everything and didnít work to fix us when it was needed.

You said you donít want me to feel this way and Iím not trying to make you feel bad but I do totally feel like you gave up on me and us.

I feel like we were worth whatever it too. It wasnít just we couldíve been really good, itís that we shouldíve been really great. We both have things about us that are pretty rare that I think weíll have a tough time finding again.

I guess if you say youíve tried your hardest, I donít really know what else to say.

He has done so much to me, too much! Why does my heart hurt for him? Why do I feel bad for him? I donít think I gave up.

Just needed to vent and get some feedback. Thanks ladies!

[This message edited by lastin12 at 4:25 PM, December 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stabbed, I strongly caution you against installing software on his work computer. He can lose his job for that alone. If he's stupid enough to use it to act out, he WILL get caught. People monitor that stuff. Focus on his phone and home computer. I don't have any good iPhone keylogger recs, but the IT forum should help you with that when your post count gets to 51 and you pay for the upgrade thingy there. Maybe one of the other ladies here can recommend something..

Lastin, I hope you didn't respond to him... He is fishing. All I see in his messages is "blah blah blah pay attention to me." You should be NC NC NC to his blah blah blah in my opinion. Your heart hurts and you feel bad because you love him. That's ok. But don't give in and let him stomp all over your heart again with soccer cleats on. He is trying to demonize you and blame shift responsibility for you M's failure onto you.

F that!!! He did it over and over again to you. He doesn't get to say that this is your fault. Don't ever let him manipulate you into believing that, hon. And don't let him manipulate you into contacting him in order to defend yourself either. Who cares what he thinks? All that matters is what you think. And you can't reason with crazy. He doesn't want to be reasoned with. He wants you to respond so he can continue to make you writhe in pain while he pulls all the puppet strings. No one is strong enough to endure that without their spirit broken and their will to live sucked away.

(((SA Spouses)))


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that it would be a bad idea to install spyware on the work owned laptop. It might even be illegal.

However, they do not always get caught. My husband and a lot of IT guys get a laptop from work that they can bring home/transport anywhere. There are two ways to use it. One is connected through the server at work. It is just like being on your work computer and certain things are blocked and probably monitored. However that can be turned off and you can use your home/wifi server. I dont think work can find out about what you browse using that. I know my h used his (at home)to search craigslist (blocked on his work comp) and send emails and view nude pics. He claims he never used it for porn for fear of viruses. I dont know if thats true or not. I do know another guy who views porn on his and has for years, as long as its not connected to 'work' at the time. Some time after dday he had to take the computer in for reformatting (his company merged) and they didnt catch him then either. Just my experience, others may vary.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stabbed, I think it's illegal to mess with any property of the federal govt. I've noticed that some federal employee's cell phones have a notice stating this on them.

(((lastin)) stay strong - no contact!


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, December 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our last visit to CSAT was not good. I had a few questions; WH had none. One of my questions was how to proceed with sexual relations since WH has wanted to have sex and I do too, but I have 2 concerns:

1. risk of exposure to STDs (I didn't tell WH that I have come up clean for STD testing twice, but did tell him that my recent abnormal pap had me concerned about what I might be exposing myself to - I have never had an abnormal pap).

2. feeling objectified during sex. I went into pretty graphic detail about how WH doesn't really talk to me, just flips me around in different positions and there have been certain times when I have felt like I'm not even a person to him - I could just be a blow up doll and he wouldn't even notice. Also, he will do new things during sex and say "that just came to me" which for me is code that he saw it in a porn movie. I think WH doesn't realize that I know this. Of course I don't want to have sex like that. CSAT responded by saying that these sorts of behaviors are common in men who watch porn or solicit prostitutes and he works on non-sexual intimacy with the men in his group.

WH has been silent the entire time I am talking, but finally pipes in that we are assuming that he is an SA, he doesn't see what this has to do with anything, and we are getting off topic. He is here to find out if he is a sex addict or not.

CSAT then asks how we can get WH's anxiety down so that we can get valid results on the test (WH's results were invalid on first test because of "anxiety" which I interpret as him lying/trying to game the test so it would show that he wasn't an SA.) WH says he's not worried about D, just worried about how an SA diagnosis will affect his custody of the kids. CSAT says it shouldn't, as long as he hasn't done anything illegal/been arrested. WH said ok and asks to take the test again. We leave after the test. We have another appointment next week.

After the appointment, I talked with a friend and realized that I am not ok with WH's response to my revealing how I felt during sex with him. If someone said those things to me, I would think, OMG, I am so sorry you feel that way; what can I do to make it better? We still have not talked about it and it is several days later. I think WH is just going to rugsweep this like he does everything else.

Thanks for listening; hope everyone is having a good day and doing something nice for yourself.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs and strength to all dealing with their SA.

Are you handling the lies? I think my STBX doesn't even realize he is lying. Its been like this for a couple years. The bad part is that he lies to the kids also.

Does yours still lie to your face?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T2bits, I think they convince themselves of what is the truth. Mine now denies something especially devastating (but not A related) that he said a couple months ago. I have the emails, his words in writing, but he denies it and tells me I'm making him out to be worse than he is or twisting the meaning of his words.

Am I handling the lies? No. I just put it in the pile of Stuff That Makes Me Not Want This M Anymore and move on. Tired of trying to get him to agree with me on shit like that, so I consciously choose when I can to not lose headspace over it. Hugs to you, him lying to the kids must make you feel helpless at times.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, ladies. I could use some advice. Kind of knew this very dear friend of mine was fooling around with someone. She is married, granted it is miserable as her husband is a bipolar addict. Problem for me is she had an affair a few months ago and I told her that I really didn't approve. She ended that and seemed to be trying to work on her marriage. Now she has started up an affair with a boy, and I call him that because he is a friend of my oldest DD. I know a lot of this boys friends and one of my other dear friends is very close with his family. This just makes my stomach turn. I am sad because I am going to have to let this friendship go. Why do people do these things? Being married and sleeping with someone 20 years younger. Just makes me sad.

Some people would say I am being judgmental. I have ended a friendship when I was younger with a friend that was having an affair with a married man. This is just something I feel strongly about, even though I love this friend it is too much for me to handle. Particularly right now. So, am I being too judgmental?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not being too judgemental. You are being wise. You are protecting your spirit by not being around someone who is a cheater. You recognize that being around someone like that is not good for you. I think it's great!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
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