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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issa, you mentioned friendly women in a Korean bar. Do you mean actually *in* Korea?

In Korea, there are places called "Juicy Bars", where the servers are called "Juicy Girls." A Juicy Girl will approach a patron, ask him if he wants to "buy her a juice." He buys her a juice and then she "entertains" him. The folks telling me about this were never clear about how far it went, but the implication was that it was approximately strip club level to worse. Some of these girls are particularly desperate for the money and are extremely young.

Needless to say when I see Juicy Couture brand clothing with "Juicy Girl" written on it, I roll my eyes and wonder if the wearer knows what it means in Korea.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thought about and spoke to some prostitutes but was afraid to "utilize" their services fearing STDs. He did get his wallet stolen from one, so I know he entertained the idea. I believe he had dates with women but it never became physical (because of them, he would have)

And you are basing that he didn't have sex with prostitutes or other women on what? He said so. No one and I mean no one gets their wallet stolen by a prostitute if they weren't utilizing them. Addicts lie.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you all find out that your WS's were SA? Mine is due to start IC soon but just with a regular C. From what I can see/know he never paid for sex but he has had 8 A. 1 of those they couldn't meet for sex but met for "heavy makeout sessions". The rest are ONS and A that lasted for a few weeks to a few months but never longer. He would start by going to sites like craiglist and adult friend finder and start looking for women. He said in the 7 1/2 years of doing all this he has emailed probably between 50 to 75 women. He said he knew what to look for and enjoyed the conquest but enjoyed the newest of the relationship as much as the sex. Says it wasn't all about the sex. I'm so scared that he's a SA but then I'm not sure. So how did you find out?
ETA: He's also had a porn problem for as long as I've known him and I now know that before he started with the A's he was doing sexting in online chats for the 3 years before he started seeking out the actual sex. Makes me wonder if the porn and sexting were a gateway drug so to speak. Also I am starting to read up on codependents and I think I might be one since a lot of it sounds like me.

[This message edited by wantreallove at 7:55 AM, December 21st (Friday)]


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N & N took the words right out of my mouth! Choosing's story scares the bejesus out of me too! Ugh. I guess bottom-line is...it's a leap of faith. If they are working hard, 100% committed to their recovery efforts, going to CSAT, doing their homework, going to group...all positive signs & for me, a safe bet for NOW for me to take that leap.

My H knows that for himself, & for me to take this chance on him, he has to continue on the path described above. For now, I feel pretty safe in the relationship so I will continue down this path. It's an individual journey, & each of us has slightly different factors that influence our decision to take that leap, or not. It's scary stuff, for sure. (((SA spouses)))

Wantreal - we were posting at the same time, so I just saw your new post. Welcome. Your WH certainly sounds like it to me. If you go to the beginning of the thread on pg 1 there are several websites mentioned. There's a quiz to help determine the diagnosis. For my H, it was the porn. It had become a daily part of his life - he had tried to stop the porn/mb cycle on his own, unsuccessfully. So all the questions of "does it impact your daily life," "has it negatively affected your relationships," "have you tried to stop the behavior & couldn't"...yes, yes, & yes. He never tried to argue that he wasn't SA; in fact, he was relieved when I found out so that he could openly seek help. I strongly urge you to go to the website with the CSAT search & find one in your area. The difference in treatment & knowledge is huge!! And hopefully you are in IC for yourself as well. Self-care is very important. I'm sorry you're here with us

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 8:20 AM, December 21st (Friday)]


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
kristind83
♀ Member
Member # 35301
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH passed the polygraph. CSAT had the results in a few hours and called to tell me. He is struggling right now with sobriety. No relapses, but several slips. Will Nan finding an accountability partner with help of sponsor.


Me: BS (30)
Him: WS (32)
DD 5 DS 2
D Day #1 06/13/09 EA lasting 9 months
D Day #2 12/15/11 LTA 2 years PA
Beginning to trust real R

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WantRealLove: A sex addict is a person who uses anonymous sexual encounters, porn, escorts, fetish behavior, etc. to replace intimate love and/or sexual relations with their spouse or SO. Often you'll find that a sex addict may have slept with multiple prostitutes or masturbates to porn several times a day, but cannot seem to perform with their spouse. Many start with porn and accelerate into other ways of sexually acting out.

www.sexhelp.com I think has a pretty good checklist you can look at.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear Kristen!

Hugs to all!


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM, I am glad you addressed Korea for Issa. When I read her post I totally triggered out and could not post here the rest of the day. It is as bad as you think. In one of my former jobs we had a facility in Korea, and my boss used to HATE going there because the male management work culture was all about those places and it is disrespectful in their culture to refuse your host's hospitality. So he was always figuring ways to gracefully bow out either the trips or the "excursions", and he wasn't even married.

And a little while back it looked like WH's work was going to "make" him go to Korea (which WH has never been) and I put my foot down and said I'd leave if if he went. So he got out of it. So he says.

So I am sorry Issa but if he's been to those places it is likely seen a hooker. There and here. :(


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice. Will his IC refer him to a CSAT and be able to see the signs or will we have to do that ourselves? It's all so confusing. When we've discussed it he says the focus wasn't necessarily on the sex but on the fun of beginning a new relationship and seeing if he could get them to sex. But then he goes back to it wasn't about the sex. I am so confused. I don't want him to have a label of SA if it isn't true. We have looked at some definitions of things from SI that we didn't know about like SA and NPD. He says he thinks he has some Narcissistic tendencies but not full fledged. He talks about how he feels bad that he hurt these women. Mentioned that he had a fleeting thought of contacting his last OW who was M just to see how she's doing because he doesn't want to be the "bad" guy. ARrrrrr!!! Sometimes I wish he hated them. But I know that isn't healthy. Anyway...thanks


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wantreal - It is very common for SAs to want to be the Knight in Shining Armour and like to portray themselves that way with others. The reason they have to go for new over and over is that it becomes clear that they are not that guy. My SAWH has had sex with about a dozen prostitutes, not the 100s that some have. The pursuit is a big part of the addiction for him. It would have escalated to 100s and much worse behavior if he wasn't getting treated.

QVee - I agree with everyone. That is very scary! And so very sad.

I'm home in bed today. Have been sick all week and just wouldn't give in. Now I am really sick. So I'll be around and on the computer today. I have had more illness the last 3 months than in the whole previous 2 years. Ugh. Stress.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Missymomma you hit the nail on the head. My WH has actually said he liked being a KISA to them and he couldn't be that to me because I knew he wasn't perfect. I already knew his flaws. He said when I would say something nice to him he didn't believe it. More and more in my gut I am thinking he's an SA. He used to tell me that he felt love when we had sex and when I wasn't in the mood he felt like I was pushing him away. I'm just amazed you used that phrase since that's what he himself has said.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We actually talked about this in MC. His EAs have all been like that, trying to be the KISA. He has only had a couple of those. CSAT said it was a very common SA trait. Have you gone to www.sexhelp.com and looked at the test? My SAWH didn't have the masturbation and porn aspect, some do and some don't. He did have sexual anorexia for years. His CSAT calls that "acting in" instead of acting out.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 11:06 AM, December 21st (Friday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you are basing that he didn't have sex with prostitutes or other women on what? He said so. No one and I mean no one gets their wallet stolen by a prostitute if they weren't utilizing them. Addicts lie
.
He certainly could be lying. He said the prostitute pick-pocketed him in a bar. The only reason I thought he might be telling the truth was that he was fessing up to other things, including having sex in our bed with OW. But who knows????

Issa, you mentioned friendly women in a Korean bar. Do you mean actually *in* Korea?

No, not Korea. However, we were living in Seattle which has a very large Asian community, so there could be something like that. He came home in the middle of the night very drunk and had lied that he was with his buddy at a regular bar. He had given the waitress a $500 "tip". At the time that's all the info I got. He told me that he was so drunk that he told the waitress to fill out the tip portion, that she took advantage of him and didn't realize it was 500 bucks. That was like 9 or 10 years ago. More recently he told me that it was a Korean Bar where the waitress was "assigned" to you and flirted with you. I'm guessing maybe she did more than flirting for a $500 tip.



BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Frustrated  Posted: 11:52 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've looked at it but not with my WH. Thinking we should do that tonight. I am also wondering are there different degrees to SA? If he is one does that mean he's still not giving me full disclosure?


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hathnofurry)))

I am so sorry you triggered from my post.

I had never even heard of such a thing.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Issah, I am not blaming you. I just get so upset when I know spouses are being lied to, and I was worried that he was minimizing going to an actual Korean juice bar. And it occurred to me that the Korean juice bar thing should probably be something we ALL should be aware of anyway. Wouldn't be surprised if Korean bars stateside did similar things. And Korea certainly doesn't have a monopoly on this shit. But yeah...I don't think anyone would get away with a unsolicited $500 tip no matter how drunk they were. Def red flag there. Ugh.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Issah, I am not blaming you. I just get so upset when I know spouses are being lied to, and I was worried that he was minimizing going to an actual Korean juice bar. And it occurred to me that the Korean juice bar thing should probably be something we ALL should be aware of anyway. Wouldn't be surprised if Korean bars stateside did similar things. And Korea certainly doesn't have a monopoly on this shit. But yeah...I don't think anyone would get away with a unsolicited $500 tip no matter how drunk they were. Def red flag there. Ugh.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issaquah - Sorry if that sounded harsh. One of the lovely stories my SAWH has from his adolescence is his father being "rolled" by a prostitute and having to go and rescue him. So, being "rolled" by a prostitute is when they steal your wallet and this is apparently not an uncommon occurence. How would he know that a prostitute is the one that stole his wallet if he wasn't with a prostitute?

Wantreal - I think there are just varying types of sex addiction. Just like with all addictions, everyone has a different bottom. For some it does take jail and for others it is something less. And of course, there are those that never get help. Also like all addictions, it will progress and get worse without the right kind of treatment. We went to many therapists over the years, before and at the beginning of his acting out. They just weren't trained to handle it appropriately.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hathnofurry - I know you weren't balming me, I just felt bad that you triggered. I really have no idea what was going on at the bar, but with a 500 dollar tip, it had to be something....

When WH go this wallet stolen, he also got his nice watch stolen too. He was in New Orleans at them time and when he called me the first thing that popped in my head was "oh no, he was with a prostitute". He probably is lying, so I hear what you're saying. His explaination was he knew she was a protitue because he was in a bar, she approached him, offered him her services (that's how he knew) and then pick-pocketed him. Who knows???? ugh I never heard the term rolled before, but I had heard (maybe saw it in a movie) that it's not unusual to loose your wallet when entertaining with a hooker. gheez


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
sodeeplysaddened
♀ Member
Member # 26709
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all of you for your wisdom and just hearing about stories - it's nice to not feel alone. I want to give everyone Christmas ((hugs))!

I am so confused about my SAWH therapy. He said there wasn't any talk about abstinence, he didn't know what "inner circles" were referring to, etc. Someone said these were red flags for her SAWH prior councelor. I will talk to my husband about my speaking with his CSAT.

I'd like your opinion, I was the one who found this one for him but now I'm a bit concerned. Here is an excert from his website:

A little more about me...

As a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT), I was trained directly by Dr. Patrick Carnes through the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals. I am also a professional member of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH.net) and Christian Counselors of Texas (CCTX.org). In 2003, I completed certification in therapeutic spiritual treatment with Dr. Paul Carlin through Therapon Institute in Houston TX. Active for many years in my church, Shoreline Christian Center, I have worked hand-in-hand with individuals and couples struggling to align behavior with belief.

I am certified in EMDR (level I & II) treatment.

His qualifications seem very good it just appears as my SAWH is having a different expereince than the rest of you.

Thanks again for your collective wonderful wisdom!


WH - 49
BS - 47 (me)
dday1 - 11/16/09
dday2 - 12/1/09
dday3 - 1/13/10
Dday 4 -10/21/12 - trolling Craigslist again

married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R


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