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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello ladies. I've been offline for a while as my parents were visiting. But thinking of you all and holding you in the light...

Hope, I know I am late on the court discussion, but I am of the opinion lay out all the evidence on the table, make it visual as possible as suggested, even if it doesn't do a damn thing...this time. You will have laid precedent, and it might help in the future. And for all you know, maybe he will suddenly be open to negotiations and give you everything you want just so you don't keep submitting evidence on public record. I say, when they chips are down, you use everything you have in your arsenal.

Kicked, I get similar red flag feelings too. I have heard others in my group say similar things. They say the same things to their spouses - this is NOT conducive to your recovery, and you don't have the luxury of doing anything that is counterproductive to recovery right now. It's too soon. I love Hope's suggestion of surrounding yourself with people that will move you in the right direction, not hold you back. I actually had a similar discussion with my SAWH a year ago, when he started going to meetings. Some guy whose wife didn't even know he was SA/going to meetings wanted to be HIS sponsor. I told him that was a terrible idea, and he needed to discuss it with his CSAT. He straightened him out.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kicked, also wanted to say I totally identify with the SAWH doing the victim reactions too, and him facing that. I just went apeshit on him last night, haven't done that in a very long time and certainly not to the level I did then, I don't think ever before. I had originally told him I wasn't going to discuss it then, that he was NOT in a place to hear it and have a teachable moment, and I was in no mood to do it even if he was. But he kept poking the bear, and I wound up unloading on him. Told him exactly what the victim reactions were etc, that it was what self-absorbed assholes do, not normal healthy people do , that I was teaching appropriate behavior to our oblivious 2nd child all day long in the most loving, patient, PC way I could and I had nothing left to tell him about his stuff nicely any more. After all I had been through, I am not going to try to coddle him in pointing out his wrongs, I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't sign up for that life of having been shit on for so long, then have to baby him as he finds his way on the right path. If he couldn't deal, he could leave right now.

So anyway, not that it matters but he made a list recognizing all the reactions/actions he was doing and how he hoped to make amends for them. So I guess there was some progress there, for those that need to hear that positive outcomes are possible. I wouldn't normally promote shaming anybody, but sometimes they just need to face the cold hard truth and consequences of what they do /did and have become.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Questions about denial and minimizing.

So WH saw the psychiatrist CSAT on Wednesday and was dx with SA within 20 minutes of the session. WH was pretty angry - he felt offended with both the quick dx and that the doc didn't explain his rationale. For the past 5 days WH has been trying to pull me into his own personal IC to help him minimize/deny the dx and I am doing my hardest to not engage (which is REALLY hard).

WH did read Into the Shadows and just does not relate to the feelings/core beliefs. He can identify some of the behaviors but completely denies the "compulsivity" to them and the core beliefs that he is unworthy of love. He is actively minimizing his behavior, including the behaviors that I do know about. He tried to rationalize that once he met OW6 he no longer trolled dating sites. (I know I shouldn't have confronted) but I pointed out that he spent the same time emailing OW6 as he did trolling sites - it was just a transference of his focus. He also rationalized that when he was pissed at me and went to strip club and bars that serviced his "ethnic fantasy" that he did that to just piss me off rather than to "medicate" his feelings.

I am wondering about other peoples' experiences in hearing the denial/rationalizations. I know it's typical for other addictions - what about SA?
Is he lying to me or lying to himself?


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issa, in my experience, totally normal and par for the course. Right now you just have to hold fast to your boundaries and let him fizzle around and run his very predictable course that he thinks he's "special". Whatever your boundaries are (you must go to IC with a CSAT weekly, must go to 12 step 2x a week if CSAT directs him to, must provide you the $ you need to pay the bills etc, whatever you need to feel safe), be sure they are clear, remind him what they are often and be swift when they are not honored. Don't get dragged into his drama vortex of why he is not EXACTLY textbook SA material, LOL. You know what is true, your perspective of reality has not been severely compromised. Always remember that, and that his IS until he is WELL into recovery. Which isn't going to be any time soon until he gets done with the denial and minimizing.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hath, as usual, you have great advice. I went to a counseling session tonite with SAWH to talk about our marriage and the divorce. My IC had me write a letter to him. I read it. It was about all that I found, his affair, porn, etc. and just how I needed to know the truth.

He minimized and denied everything in front of his counselor. He told him that he would not remarry. He said that he took his vows when he married me and that's all. He said that we are in this because someone (me) is insecure.

I was horrible. I did cry. I had to because he said he loved me and that he told his IC that he loved me and didn't want to divorce me.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((torn)))

Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Torn - I am so sorry; your session sounds like it was awful and painful.

I just wanted to say that the fact that he "loves" you, doesn't want to divorce you, but blames everything on you because you are insecure doesn't sound congruent to me - it just doesn't sit well.

It doesn't sound like love.

Hugs to you, torn, and all SA spouses.

ETA: Issa - stay strong. You are not the crazy one, HE is. He is a very sick man and needs to own up to his SA and start doing work on himself. In answer to your question, he definitely could be lying to you and/or himself. Addicts have a lot of self-deception going on. Have you read "Don't Call It Love"? Good explanation of the self-deception in there.

Your SAWH is sounding like mine and I wouldn't be surprised if, like mine, he stops going to CSAT and IC after a while. Then you will have a choice to make: continue to put up with his tromping all over your marriage vows and continuing to disrespect you, or get out. (Sorry if this is a little venty; letting some of my frustration with my own situation come out here.)

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 11:07 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for reading and responding to my post. I'll keep you updated.

Issa - the IC that we saw withing a week of DDay put out there that SAWH might be SA. He didn't accept it. It kind of marinated in his head. After another blow up and another IC session, the therapist brought it up again. At that point, he started thinking it might be something to look into. He started going to meetings almost two months after DDay, but for months afterwards still was not fully accepting the program or the dx. I think it takes a long time to accept - and it's not an all at once thing. First they have to accept the idea, then go through the whole "Well, I'm not as bad as THAT guy." Then they start to "get it." And that's only if they want to.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH agreed to go back to the CSAT after he meets with his IC a couple more times. He is reading books and trying to process things but is just not there yet with the SA dx. He's doing the classic "I'm not as bad as those guys". He's very self confident so it wasn't surprising that he didn't relate to the "core beliefs that he is not worthy of love" - so that's what he's using as "See, that's not my problem, I'm not like that". I have seen some progress with his acknowledging that chronic cheating, cruising bars, or crushing on other women is messed up...before he wouldn't even look at it.

I am having to work really hard at not going back into the pattern of being his therapist. He's constantly wanting to "process" all that he is reading - but really his processing seems more like a way for him to intellectualize and rationalize, and for me it's just another form of psychological TT. If I'm listening to him closely there is definately a large "love/romance junkie" component to his acting out.

Right now he is having an intense emotional fixation on me and our M and it's draining. I've noticed this pattern before when we've had marital crises, I'm now wondering if this is part of his sickness. Has anyone else seen that before?


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issa, my STBX was highly skilled at A) reframing his behavior so it wasn't "that bad", and B) love bombing me in whatever way necessary to lull me back into complacency. It's all part of the abuse & addiction cycle, but it only works if the partner does their part, aka breathing in the gaslighting fumes, sweeping things under the rug, overlooking the rest, and carrying on with the desperate hope that THIS time things will be different because THIS time he gets it. If the partner doesn't do their part, the abuse cycle will end. Of course that end is usually a horrible crash 'n burn, but hopefully the partner has made a safety/exit plan and has some people in place IRL to support.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl - I don't know if he's love bombing or hoovering, or what. To me it feels more like I'm his object of focus to get his "infatuation high" that makes him feel so close and connected (per his report). It's not so much about me feeling loved, but him getting "in love" feelings returned and heightened. I remember this happening in the past and feeling like I had to expend a ton of energy keeping that "high" alive for him to keep him happy (and faithful). It's hard to describe. Before I was a willing participant in keeping the romantic emotional intensity high to make him feel connected to me, but now I'm just too tired to do that anymore.

[This message edited by Issaquah at 1:28 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. I am new, but have been reading for months. I don't know if I belong here or not, my case is different in that all cheating was done online and through texts & pictures. I have no proof of PA, but have found plenty of shocking and bad things. We are trying to R, but I feel the wheels have been spinning and I am getting impatient for some answers/relief.

WH finally acknowledges that he has a problem. I feel he is not secure enough to admit the breadth of the issues surrounding the acting out. The most recent DD was months ago and just now is he starting to "call around" to therapists. Neither of us has been in IC or MC before. I hope we chose the right person.

I am also struggling with wanting full disclosure of his activities. I have found out few things (always by discovery, he never openly gives information), but what I have found was disturbing to me. The Craigslist ads and what he was asking for, it is beyond normal. I found enough to know that he needs help.

I am in limbo right now because I feel he is dragging his feet in trying to heal. It seems like slowly things fall back to how they were, and that scares me. The complacency lends to more DDays and I can't handle that. At least if I knew we were actively working on this, I could have the security to carry on in this M.

Should I ask for his emails and passwords and become a super sleuth? I don't want to discover more. Should I wait until we get into some kind of therapy? I know there are no easy answers, I just hate feeling like this.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((StrengthAndHope))) If you've been reading here for a few months, then you probably already know that posting CraigsList ads for any sort of "deviant" sex is extremely serious.

I've never heard of anyone posting CL ads without the intention of following up and meeting with real people.

I hope the others can give you advice about IC and CSATS, but I wanted you to really think about this for a while. Why would a married man be posting CL ads???

My only other thoughts is that you have young children, so you'll want to start documenting every single thing you find. Print it out, take screen shots. Store both versions is separate places - with a friend, in a bank vault. DO NOT leave them around the house, and do not let him find them.

Some day, maybe you can throw them out. But for now, you need to start documenting everything. This is my only advice, and it is the most important thing you can do right now.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here, and I know that others will give you great advice.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Strength)))

I don't know if I belong here or not, my case is different in that all cheating was done online and through texts & pictures. I have no proof of PA, but have found plenty of shocking and bad things.

I have found out few things (always by discovery, he never openly gives information), but what I have found was disturbing to me. The Craigslist ads and what he was asking for, it is beyond normal. I found enough to know that he needs help.

Welcome. You belong here. And as Hope mentioned, if deviant CL ads are involved, then other live people are involved and it is VERY serious. Not only is your life in danger, but maybe your children as well. I am so sorry.

We are trying to R, but I feel the wheels have been spinning and I am getting impatient for some answers/relief.
WH finally acknowledges that he has a problem. I feel he is not secure enough to admit the breadth of the issues surrounding the acting out. The most recent DD was months ago and just now is he starting to "call around" to therapists.

Gentle 2x4. That sounds like you are trying to R but he is not. If he was really trying to R he would be in IC already and you would not still be having DDays.


Neither of us has been in IC or MC before. I hope we chose the right person. I am also struggling with wanting full disclosure of his activities.

I am in limbo right now because I feel he is dragging his feet in trying to heal. It seems like slowly things fall back to how they were, and that scares me. The complacency lends to more DDays and I can't handle that. At least if I knew we were actively working on this, I could have the security to carry on in this M.

You need a CSAT for you, and he needs one for him. REgardless of how it all shakes out. And your CSAT will guide you in what you will need from disclosure and such things. Hopefully you live in an area where you have a few to choose from. And it may take a few weeks/months to get onto a good CSAT's calendar.

Should I ask for his emails and passwords and become a super sleuth? I don't want to discover more.

No. He will go underground. IMHO, get a PI to do it for you. You do not need to see what will be found in person. Have the PI collect it via keylogger, VAR, stakeouts, etc and he can compile a report that will minimize the trauma but be effective for court evidence should you need it.

If you are done, or don't want to find anything else or further put you or your kids at risk, ask him to leave. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it will give you the space to see more clearly and he will see how dire the situation is. He should be willing to do anything and everything for R, and he's not, and if he won't, you deserve better. (((Hugs)))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature girl, its amazing how you hit the head on the nail. Your words and others here remind me of the hoovering and addiction and abuse cycles.

My SAWH is stepping it up on me with the Valentines day flowers and arranging for one counseling session; while blaming me and telling my kids I am the reason we can't be a family.

I am not falling for it. Thanks for the reminders. Sheilds up!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just got back from the therapist. I need to talk some stuff through.

I discussed some of my frustrations with SAWH. In my CSAT's opinion (and she also treats SAs, but not my husband) he is more or less going through the motions whether he realizes it or not. That to be successful in SA treatment, you 1) have to totally surrender and accept you are broken and can't do things like healthy people and 2) be completely willing and have some blind faith to follow the treatment plan without question. In her opinion from what I have told her, what his therapist has told her, and her limited contact with him, he is not truly doing either.

Yes, he knows he is SA. Yes, he goes to therapy weekly and 12 step 2x a week. He tries to show remorse through actions and respect my boundaries, anticipate my needs. But he still struggles with that he is totally broken and his perception of self and reality is totally warped. He sees his wrongs when pointed out to him, but can't comprehend any sort of scale *how* wrong they are and how they impact things. He doesn't initially accept from me/therapist/sponsor etc how his character defects drive his actions, he wants to initially argue that it's not that bad or that it is at least partially justified in some way. He still feels some entitlement and wants to be recognized/rewarded for what he does right. He does all sorts of things in the name of doing them for me and the family, but he doesn't really ASK what we need, just does whatever he thinks we need and doesn't understand why we don't see how hard he's working to do the right thing. Tries really hard to emotionally connect but fails miserably half the time.

I am aware this is all par for the course in early recovery. But it has been almost two years, and this is as far as he's come. And he's not going to get any farther along until he is truly doing the two things I mentioned earlier in this post. For me, it's not enough to be sober and meeting my boundaries/requirements. I need to see growth and progress. And while I have seen some, it's not on the scale I expected and I can see how it will plateau if he doesn't submit and give unconditionally.

I am super frustrated. I don't want to be the keeper of his recovery, but I need more than what is going on now. My therapist suggested doing a joint session with his therapist, discussing all of this. I *have* discussed all of this with SAWH already, so it would really be more for his therapist's benefit in treating SAWH than anything for me or us as a couple at that time.

This is more venty than anything, I guess, but I would appreciate any insight and guidance you all have.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just got back from the therapist. I need to talk some stuff through.

I discussed some of my frustrations with SAWH. In my CSAT's opinion (and she also treats SAs, but not my husband) he is more or less going through the motions whether he realizes it or not. That to be successful in SA treatment, you 1) have to totally surrender and accept you are broken and can't do things like healthy people and 2) be completely willing and have some blind faith to follow the treatment plan without question. In her opinion from what I have told her, what his therapist has told her, and her limited contact with him, he is not truly doing either.

Yes, he knows he is SA. Yes, he goes to therapy weekly and 12 step 2x a week. He tries to show remorse through actions and respect my boundaries, anticipate my needs. But he still struggles with that he is totally broken and his perception of self and reality is totally warped. He sees his wrongs when pointed out to him, but can't comprehend any sort of scale *how* wrong they are and how they impact things. He doesn't initially accept from me/therapist/sponsor etc how his character defects drive his actions, he wants to initially argue that it's not that bad or that it is at least partially justified in some way. He still feels some entitlement and wants to be recognized/rewarded for what he does right. He does all sorts of things in the name of doing them for me and the family, but he doesn't really ASK what we need, just does whatever he thinks we need and doesn't understand why we don't see how hard he's working to do the right thing. Tries really hard to emotionally connect but fails miserably half the time.

I am aware this is all par for the course in early recovery. But it has been almost two years, and this is as far as he's come. And he's not going to get any farther along until he is truly doing the two things I mentioned earlier in this post. For me, it's not enough to be sober and meeting my boundaries/requirements. I need to see growth and progress. And while I have seen some, it's not on the scale I expected and I can see how it will plateau if he doesn't submit and give unconditionally.

I am super frustrated. I don't want to be the keeper of his recovery, but I need more than what is going on now. My therapist suggested doing a joint session with his therapist, discussing all of this. I *have* discussed all of this with SAWH already, so it would really be more for his therapist's benefit in treating SAWH than anything for me or us as a couple at that time.

This is more venty than anything, I guess, but I would appreciate any insight and guidance you all have.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hath))) You have offered guidance to me and I really wish I had some to give to you...but I'm too new in all this. Just know that you are thought of. I do think she should go and try the joint session. Maybe it will help him some?


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hath,

I am sorry, but this will probably be brief (I am on my way out the door to work).

This is the biggest problem I see with SA's. Unless they are completely shattered and broken, they will not commit 100% to treatment. When we talk about addicts hitting their rock bottom, it is literally a life or death realization. For my H it was definitely death or eventually prison. That sounds harsh, but it was the path he was on. His acting out was so egregious and out of control that there was no other place for him to go. He was so broken that there was no way out except his program.

I think that a lot of spouses get so excited that their SA admits to being SA and think that will bring about change. But it doesn't! For many, it inspires false hope. The addict doesn't hit rock bottom, and they try to "manage" their addiction. My H admitted to being a SA 10 YEARS before he hit rock bottom! Who wants to flounder along in life for a decade and watch your marriage and kids go down the tubes living in a house of addiction. Ugh.

Your post seems to indicate that your SA is bargaining and doing what he needs to, without surrendering himself to the program. That is why truly working the steps is so hard. That first step is about surrender, not making excuses for the behavior, but saying that I can't control or manage this on my own.

I think talking to his CSAT is a good idea. I think that 2 years in is NOT "early recovery" or it should not be. Two years is a reasonable time frame to expect real progress. You know what you need, and you are within your rights to ask for it. I don't know what your next steps will be, but hopefully you can receive good guidance.

Take care.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, Hath. He clearly doesn't get it. It doesn't sound like he CAN get it.

But let's talk about you. What are you going to do about this? Are you willing to accept this low-level of functioning from your husband? Are you willing to let this broken man and your marriage be the role models your children will incorporate into their life? Is this enough for you? Do you see yourself as enabling him in this faux recovery? What do you want out of life? If it cannot be found with your WH, then what are you going to do about it?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
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