Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: freckles51 (43173)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I had a talk tonight; told him I didn't want to do family Christmas pics and I wouldn't be doing Christmas cards; he could do them. He asked if it was bc of what is going on with us and I said yes, not in the mood, don't want to take family pictures.

He asked where I was with our relationship and I said I can't share my feelings with him bc I don't feel safe with him. He asked if we were going to just meander. Then said "I can't change your attitude."

Complete BS. Typical. So angry now. Again, putting blame on me.

Told him this has been the worst year of my life and I would be out if I wanted to be. Told him we will see what happens with CSAT. He said CSAT isn't MC; would I like to go back to MC. I didn't answer.

He came upstairs shortly after and asked when I was coming to bed bc if I was going to be coming to bed late like last night, he didn't want to be distrubed and interrupt his sleep so he would sleep downstairs. I said "suit yourself." I think he uses the "sleep downstairs" line to pumish me; I used to be codep and try to get him to stay upstairs so that he wouldn't M to porn downstairs. Now I don't care.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numb,
We saw the Nutcracker last night and for a good part of it, all I could think of was what is WH thinking when the ballerinas spread their legs. So the Nutcracker is ruined for me now too.

I can completely relate to this. Soooo many things are now ruined. I cant express how much that saddens and pisses me off.


You all are in my thoughts. (((Hugs)))


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs Numb. I went through the same thing last year. DH did cards, first time ever. And there was no letter like all the years before. He did gift cards for all the relatives, I only bought gifts for the kids. He did make a point to exchange gifts with me, which we hadn't done in ten years. He just needed to feel like he was doing something good and tangible for me, he probably didn't even expect a gift in return. It is pretty telling of my state of mind that I don't even remember what I bought him. This year is different, the season isn't ruined. So don't give up hope.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numb -
He said CSAT isn't MC; would I like to go back to MC. I didn't answer.
Do not go to a regular MC. From the CSAT get the name of a CSAT that does MC. Most MCs will make the situation worse. As far as punishing you, yeah mine does that. He will run away or sleep on the sofa. It is just stupid and I let him, pointing out he is hurting himself. I sleep better all alone.

We have MC today with the CSAT and hopefully that will go well. SAWH is supposed to ask her for the name of a new CSAT for himself. There is a lot to talk about, I want some set out rules for reconciliation. Behaviors and consequences laid out.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 9:40 AM, November 27th (Tuesday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N & N,

Thank you for giving me some hope. It sounds like you're having a bad week - I'm sorry! I have decided not to do cards this year too. People will survive; life goes on. And, if you have FB, everyone has seen current pics of your fam anyway. That's my story...

And on the CSAT/IC front...WH found a guy who sounded great, but he just wrote back & said he's not accepting new patients. He's booked through January. Sad - there must be a lot of broken people out there Back to our search...


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, MC was very good. It became clear to her that SAWH is not really very deep in recovery. She recommended a new therapist for him and gave him 2 names. I know of both of these guys and they are very good. Now I can just work on me and let it go. Feel quite a sense of relief, like a load has been lifted. Told him after therapy that I knew he was in a lot of pain and I am not the person to help him with that. I really hope he gets help but it won't be from me. He said he knew I was hurt and that he was really sorry that he has done this. Let's see if he picks it up himself. She also got him to admit that he has a death wish and has really given up on having a good life. He needs some serious help.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 2:21 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH found a guy who sounded great, but he just wrote back & said he's not accepting new patients. He's booked through January. Sad - there must be a lot of broken people out there Back to our search...

So sorry, that is frustrating! The 1st guy SAWH called couldn't see him and that is how he ended up with the bad almost CSAT. Keep searching and don't settle.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took both of us 4 to 6 weeks to get on each of our current CSAT's calendar. It was totally worth the wait. Sometimes you can get an appointment that far out, then get a chance to get into a late cancellation. But of course they have to be taking new patients to do this.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numbandnauseous
Thank you for responding to meÖ My brain and gut are telling me to leave. But my heart hurts for him. Like, Iím leaving him when he needs me the most. That being said, Iíve needed him for years and he abandoned me and lied for so long. Iím just not sure what a normal healthy relationship is like, so I have nothing to compare this/him to. I just always think that if I was in his shoes what I would be doing to save our marriage.. Almost everything he is not. He senses me pulling away for sure, so now heís being nice.

I suggested going back to MC counseling yesterday (itís been 4 weeks since our last appt)and he said whatís it going to help. I said maybe give us the tools to make this unhappiness go away and help me deal with everything that has happened. He said I'm unhappy becasue you are. He said, I donít really want to go, but whatever you say. Needless to say, Iím not going to make that apptÖ That fact that heís being seeing me so down and depressed lately , he should be making that appointment, he should be holding me and telling me itís going to be okÖ Heís NOT!


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I am sure you are dying to hear about the poly.

So here's the thing. I had already forgotten about it until he was there, and did not get a chance to talk to him until 9:30pm at night. I had a women's only candlelight advent service/social at church, which I had never been to before. It was incredibly awesome, uplifting, puts your heart and soul in the right mindset for Christmas. But I didn't eat dinner (thought the apps/desserts at the event would cover me) so when I got home I felt great inside but had a hunger headache.

SAWH was waiting, ironing his shirts. So while I ate a sandwich, he told me the play by play of the poly, which was interesting. This guy is very thorough and took more than two hours to get the job done right. And SAWH shared how nervous he was, so much was at stake, etc and that the results would take at lease a few days. By this point I was exhausted from the long day and waiting too long to eat, and wanted to go to bed.

Then in bed he wanted to talk about how going through the poly meant going through his whole history, and I could see the shame in his eyes. And he was so remorseful, wanted to apologize and repent and promise things and so forth. But I was tired, and wanted to hold onto the good feelings I got from the church service. So I told him I appreciated what he did and what he was trying to tell me, but I didn't want to talk about it now. And I fell asleep in his arms almost immediately. If you had told me six months ago this would happen, I wouldn't have believed you. I don't doubt having the event during and after the poly didn't have a impact on my overall reaction, but the fact that I *can* feel like this is pretty damn awesome.

So there is a chance my therapist will have gotten the results by my appointment on Thursday. I'm a little spaced out but not stressed about it. I will deal with it when it comes.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then in bed he wanted to talk about how going through the poly meant going through his whole history, and I could see the shame in his eyes. And he was so remorseful, wanted to apologize and repent and promise things and so forth. But I was tired, and wanted to hold onto the good feelings I got from the church service. So I told him I appreciated what he did and what he was trying to tell me, but I didn't want to talk about it now. And I fell asleep in his arms almost immediately. If you had told me six months ago this would happen, I wouldn't have believed you. I don't doubt having the event during and after the poly didn't have a impact on my overall reaction, but the fact that I *can* feel like this is pretty damn awesome.

Wow! That is really quite an achievement.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tomorrow we go to see my IC with the idea that she may serve as MC for us.

Don't know how that will go. It's kind of a hail mary...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2913 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy - MC sounds awesome! So glad that you found a good one and she knows exactly where your WH is in recovery. You also sound like you are in a really good place. Hope he steps up to the plate.

Driving - yes, it was unnerving because I didn't expect to be triggered at the Nutcracker. Supposed to be such a wonderful time of the year, but as you said, so many things are ruined with SA.

hath - thanks for the hope.....

Missy - yes, I feel you re: NO MC - NFW I'm doing that again. The reason why I didn't respond when he said that is that he has no clue and I'm not even going to waste my breath trying to explain to him. He has no idea what is coming his way re: SA diagnosis and what recovery looks like. He is probably thinking, "let's not bother with this whole SA thing, let's get back to that nice MC who asked why couldn't you just monitor the emails between OW#2 and me so that I wouldn't have to feel like I was having to give my friends up for you?"

happyface - I hope your SAWH continues the path he is on. Thanks for the thoughts; I am not worried about no Christmas cards, but I hate FB - that is how WH hooked up with his old flames from HS. Hope the CSAT search doesn't take too long!

lastin - Your words "I'm not sure what a normal healthy relationship is like" really resonate with me. I have delved into my FOO and realized how my NPD, borderline PD mother emotionally abused me, never nutured me; we had the whole parent-child reversal going on and that is why I accept so little from my WH. I wasn't given love as a child, so I accept the tiny, infrequent crumbs WH throws my way and lap them up like I am being loved in abundance. It is so sad. So, I totally understand what you mean about not knowing what a healthy relationship is. Go to IC, read on here (especially happy stories in the Reconciliation forum) and you will learn. And yes, you are right that you should not be making that MC appt - he should be. I just had an angry stage where I finally got so angry at my WH for how shittily he's treated me for the past year: "so, let me get this straight - YOU cheated on ME and you treat ME like shit?!" Yep, that's exactly what's happened to me (and you too) and I haven't done anything about it. It is hard at the beginning; I was so scared of losing him, but now I finally don't care - he has hurt me too much and I am so miserable every day. NOTHING is worth feeling like this - this shit takes up so much of my time and energy and I just want to be free. I feel like I would have such peace without him.

hath - can't believe the whole polygraph thing - you are what I aspire to... So glad things are good.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I have been home sick all day. Fever, yuck. Just getting annoyed that he hasn't called the therapists yet. We'll see. He is actually at the store right now getting some things for me. I have been sick more often in the last month than in the whole previous year. It is obviously getting to me.

NandN - So sorry, I hear you! Life would be more peaceful, except there would still be jerking around with the kids.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love and light to all my sisters here....

Kat! Thanks for still thinking of me, sweetie. Still lurking, seldom posting. I am still in the land of limbo. Not married, not single. Simply put, we cannot afford to divorce in this economy. We still live apart. We are civil. He is paying my bills and throws me some money here and there.

He has wanted to attend church with me, so we sometimes go together. No therapy, no AA, no firm commitment from him - still!!!

We spent the holiday together because both our mothers are quite ill and we wanted to spare THEM the stress and keep things on an even keel for them.

This weekend, his brother is getting married, my children will all be in town, and he asked me to attend with him. I'm going because I want to be with my children, but it is causing me great anxiety. I do not want him to think I am still his doormat.

I no longer engage in magical thinking. It would take a miracle and divine intervention for us to remain together. I find it difficult to disengage from a 40 year relationship with him. But I am getting stronger. It has taken a very long time.

My heart is with all of you, even if you don't hear from me. You are good people.

Love to all,
Ghost


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
IcePrincess
♀ Member
Member # 35576
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good evening all,

I was just thinking tonight about stbx SA... And getting real about my marriage, and what the hell was actually happening and I wanted to share something.

In additional to all of his grossness that I didnt know about, my stbxh SA is/was a boob staring guy.

I remember making fun of those types of men in college, at work, etc... And then years later and married (I cant believe I'm admitting this) I actually remember saying to stbx more than once, "Turn away, your staring at that woman's breasts"... I was irritated but definitely not getting it.

Lately, these examples just pop into my head... He's been moved out since Septmeber. My own fog is lifting. It's tough to really look at something's....

Any of you guys find this?
Thanks, Ice


BS= Me 47 (SAHM)
WS= Him 48
2 Incredible boys 12 & 13(Married 20 years)
3 Ddays (that I confirmed...)

"onward and upward..." Santa Clause


Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2012 | From: South of the Mason Dixon line
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost - great to hear from you. You are no one's doormat! I hope you can spend some nice, relaxing time with your kids. Wishing you a peaceful Holiday season & a clear path for the New Year.

Ice - no, my WH was never a boob staring guy. He's always been the funny, cute big-brother type that all the women love My sister has always been jealous of how sweet & affectionate he's always been to me -- this has all truly been a blindside!

Missy - feel better soon!

Kat - hope MC went well!

Hath - poly results???

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 8:43 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for you all. My SAWH is 2 weeks into his SA 12 step program. His addiction was masturbation to porn videos; therefore our sex life took a hit as his body became used to that outlet over me. He thinks he needs to be celibate for at least 90 days to clear all this from his system. I am supportive of whatever he thinks, but I just want to be sure this is the best approach.

Does anyone have any experience with this approach? Any advice in this area would be great - I feel like we're mostly winging it since we haven't found a CSAT yet. Thanks!


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Puton - Yes, 90 days of celibacy at the beginning of the program is what is called for. My SAWH chose not to do that, so I am implementing it now.

IceP - My SAWH didn't even look at other women at all until about 3 years ago. It was a new behavior and infuriated me.

GhostW - Sounds like you handled it well. Good boundaries.

AFM, feeling better today. No fever. SAWH called and made an appointment with 1 of the 2 CSATS recommended. This guy is kind of "the guy" in town. He is just so busy that I am not sure if he will be able to see him regularly. Off to therapy for myself. Hopefully we will do EMDR today.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***(((GHOST)))***

Thanks for the latest update. I have been thinking about you and hoping that you, and your children, and your job are all safe and okay. I am so relieved that things at least seem to be stable.

xo,
Hope
ps: Just re-read The Year of Magical Thinking. So bone-achingly true, all of it.



Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.