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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{CM, Sadone, Kat}}}. A sleep-over would be awesome! I need to read Steffens - that's my biggest struggle with S-anon; I don't feel co-dep either! I keep doubting whether or not I belong there...

Hugs to all~


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, a sleep-over would be great! :)


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 448 | Registered: Mar 2013
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread means so much because many of the situations or personalities and things people are doing who are SA spouses are the very things my STBXH has done or is still doing.

He went so far as to say, "I never felt like I could be myself around you.", but I don't even know who that is after 20 years of knowing him. He was very serious, dedicated, suit/tie/Audi went to work in a high end job every day.

He hid the SA and porn from me since we were teenagers and what I wanted to ask is if any of you believe in mid life crisis? STBXH displays those traits too and I could watch him pop last year before he left. I've read about them that a person goes through phases and he has become so massively juvenile it's like a totally different person-one who I could not like, never mind love.

I saw him briefly on Easter, I let him come as we may move and it could be one of his last holidays with DD and the house-and he displayed the old behavior of being serious, even put his hands behind his back when I was present, like a servitude behavior almost.

During false R I could witness the personality changes and I never noticed it before, but it is stunning.

I wanted to ask if any of you have other spouses who do that? STBXH acts different depending what company he is in.

I will cut this off so I'm not my usual lengthy post.

Thanks for this thread, again, it's really helped me understand him more.

One truth that really hurt was when he told me he went on Ashley Madison and didn't even act remorseful. Like the porn disclosure, he kind of grinned and said "yup".


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashland, yes, I do believe in mid-life crisis for sure. I have seen this happen with lots of men.

Also, there is what is known as Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. The SA will do whatever it takes to keep their secret. My WH is a church leader, gives people communion and is a great family man. On the other side is this man who is abusive and will go to any length to hurt and blame me for all.

Recoverynation.com's partners workshop really opened my eyes as well as the books "Dont call it love" and "Deceived". The stories from other real women we astounding. Ya know I have also had a chance to be "out there". There are so many broken people out there.

The decision to D is hard when they Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. The man I see most often and others see is the good family man who is good to his children. Noone sees the abusive porn guy.

The tougher question for me is that the books say even though they don't disclose, it doesn't mean they are not in recovery. Many here stay in the M because they are in recovery.

I always wondered if I could stay, even without him telling me/disclosing.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I haven't been here for a while. I had an issue with my computer and just set it back up, but have been trying to read on my phone - not always an easy thing, especially with longer posts.

Thanks, n&n for your comments to me a few pages back. There isn't a CSAT within 4-5 hours of me at home. That's why I was stunned to find one practically in my neighborhood here. I was skeptical of the comment I received when I called that office when the screener said that people come there once a week for a month or two on average in my situation. That's why I asked here. I am sure it would take longer, too. Although I was seeing IC at home and intend to continue when I get back, but may change. This is a totally different, new angle in all this. I wouldn't have believed it of him without reading on here, but now I'm convinced after all I've read, seen and know.

I'm in a totally different place than most of you. My D has been final over a year and I'm just figuring this out - with the help of SI and all of you. More and more things are making sense.

He never withheld sex, ecept maybe as a punishment in some cases, in fact, said near the end that I hadn't been satisfying him. Trying to justify his actions by blaming me.

He has been deeply into porn forever. We used to watch movies together at times, but he stopped that even though he had a collection of them. He got Playboy for many years and Penthouse when that came out, along with lots of other porn mags and novels. Then along came the internet and he was hooked on it there. I asked him maybe 15 years ago if he had to do that as it was putting things on our computer and he said that he had no intention of stopping, that it wasn't hurting anyone. It seems that after he retired, that is how he spent his downtime and then began going to sites where he could "meet" women. His least offensive one was AM. He was meeting women through porn dating sites as well as CL personals for casual, anonymous sex. I have no idea how many he actually met for sex, but know there were at least a few. I got TT from him that at first it had been only 2 in 2 months, then it had been 7 or 8 months and more of them, then it had been going on for a year. That's the last time we talked and 2 months later I was told about the GF he had 2 years before and also heard about the "beautiful" woman he had been seen with quite a while before. It obviously wasn't the slut he left and moved in with, because she is fat and ugly. And he had only "known" her for about 3 weeks. I call them xpos and slut because that is what he insisted forever that any man like Tiger Woods, Eliot Spitzer, the Gov. of SC and all of them in the news were. "Only a pos would do that. You get out of a relationship, you don't do THAT! And any woman who would go to bed with a M man is nothing but a slut!" So, he named himself and her.

I don't remember who posted it, but I agree whole-heartedly that I regret sticking around and now being so old, knowing that I wasted all that time on him. He was/is a verbally and emotionally abusive, very controlling, very angry, Jekyl & Hyde SA.

The decision to D is hard when they Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. The man I see most often and others see is the good family man who is good to his children. Noone sees the abusive porn guy.

^^^This, exactly. I kept trying to "fix" things between us, begged him to go to counseling for years. I knew he showed little respect for me at least. Then he started doing things to me in front of others and I was totally baffled as to why. Only some people picked up on it. Others were oblivious. My kids were oblivious for the most part. DDIL told me she heard me say to him a number of times in the last year or so together, "Stop telling me what to do" or, "You're not my Father" or variations of that when he said things to me in front of her.

I felt such a relief of stress when he left. No more eggshells. No more trying to figure out what was going on. Oh, and his Viagra and his porn collection disappeared immediately, the first things he took! And I know that the first things he did with slut were to go to a sex shop to buy sex toys and go on a "honeymoon" at a resort.

And, he still has a dating profile online after M slut for almost a year now!

There's more, but this has gotten too long and I'm so tired! So, tell me, am I wrong to think that he is SA?


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1966 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Thebighurt))))

I am so sorry for all you have been through. From you have posted, it does sound like he is a SA.

At least you are free from it now. Create a new beginning for yourself. Do some things you enjoy. Focus on you. It sounds like you neglected yourself for a while.

I am listening to what you say loud and clear! My WH said yesterday he wants to be married. He doesn't want D, but he doesn't think he has a proble. In one conversation, he told me to get a psychological test done, started telling me I was a bad cook/mother and I never cleaned the house and that I was being fondled at a picnic last year and my friend told him. Um, yeah, I was being fondled and I didn't know it?

The kids make this even more difficult, praying we stay together. I am living on my own and have been for over a year. All is separate except a few finances, that's it.

What to do?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, t2b. I have been doing things for myself. It sounds like maybe you should take that advice and do what seems to you to be best for you. That may mean get out of the M.

I hope you consider YOU in making any decisions. I wish I had looked out for me instead of the M. Xpos was doing similar to what you said and worse and I was only focused on how to make him happy and avoid the abuse. The best way for me would have been to just end it.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1966 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Massive ((HUGS)) to all of you. Hath, I am still just in awe of how you have kept it together through your particular shitstorm.

A sleepover would be amazing. That would mean that I'm not in my house separated from SAWH but having to see him all the time.

The SA stuff is really starting to get to me. I've spent the last 18 months really only focusing on the EA/PA with is ExW. I've kind of glossed over the other stuff. I think I need to "say it out loud" so to speak so I am forced to stop ignoring it.

He has been cheating on me for at least a couple of years. He used CL to troll for anonymous sex. He has had blow jobs from at least 2 men at least twice. One of the men emailed him last year asking if he needed to "blow another load."

He was actively trying to arrange a meet up with a transsexual at my house, while I was at a client. He told the trannie, to be discrete as "my wife would be devastated if she found out." So, he knew what he was doing to me.

Several years ago I tested positive for HPV. I'd been tested before after my D from pigfucker so it was new since I married him. I assumed at the time that he'd gotten it from his ExW and that she got it while she was whoring herself out for heroin. Now, I'm not so sure. I've had 2 abnormal paps since and had a cervical biopsy (FUCK that HURT!!!!!!). Fortunately, no cancer to date. I'm due for another pap though.

He took his ExW out on our boat, on my birthday and spent a week with her cruising to all of our favorite places. All the while calling me every day telling me what a "spiritual experience" he was having. I was actually GLAD for him!!!

He hasn't sold said boat. He keeps hoping I will change my mind and not trigger every time I THINK about it. I can't even look at pictures of it and I LOVED that boat.

He fucked his ExW in OUR BED. He emailed her on our fucking wedding anniversary while I was in the same fucking room!

Then after a year of supposed R, he broke NC while she was here on our island. I knew she was here and I told him how scared I was and how it was triggering me. He lied and said he hadn't had contact. I checked phone records. He lied. His sister was actually the one to facilitate the contact.

I'm tired. I'm bruised and battered. I just want to be away from him.

And he just keeps acting like everything is fine. Even though we are sleeping in separate rooms and we don't even touch anymore. Last night he was talking again about "us" doing this and that. There is no us. I don't think there ever was.

I am so sad.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CheaterMagnet))))

I don't know if you are financially able, but ask him to leave if its that bad. I moved out while he was at work. I mean I loved that house, but I just couldn't take seeing him do stuff for me because he was doing something earlier in the day I didn't know about.

It has been somewhat peaceful besides all the divorce stuff. I am at my own place. I am not wondering if he's in the office looking at porn.

I know I complain, but I did think of me when I filed, moved me and my kids out, bought a new car, etc.

Find yourself again. Go somewhere and rejuvinate yourself. I know your in Hawaii, but you need a vacation from it all. If you can, go somewhere, even for a night.

I think I have taken too much abuse from him and still do. I am working with my IC as to why.

Sending you much strength!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks T2B. I wish I could leave. But my car is broken so I need him for transportation. There is an apartment that should be coming available that is walking distance to my job. I'm kind of waiting for that.

Tomorrow we are going out on a boat with a group of friends. Hopefully I can relax and have some fun.

I hate being dependent but that's how it is for now. My car needs about $2,000 worth of work and I'm just not sure it's worth putting that much money into. Decisions, decisions.

Thanks again for the support. It helps.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish we could have a sleepover too! Wouldnt it be great to rent a house at the beach for a weekend?


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Driving...ya know a weekend like that with all of you sounds amazing! This type of weekend would be one to forget all about CSATs and al-non and therapists. I wish...


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted in quite a while but I still read here as often as I can. You are all such amazingly strong women. I feel weak by comparison.

I am having a really bad day today. It's been building for a while. No particular reason for it or event, I just have felt myself sliding into sadness and depression again. I relate so much to what SK says. I feel I have wasted the best years of my life on this sham of a M. Now I'm 48, and its too late too start over. I feel trapped. I have given up all my independence. My entire life is tied to SAfWH. I gave up my original career plans to work with him, which I have done for the last 22 years. If I were to look for a job elsewhere I would make considerably less than I do for him. I don't even really like the field I'm in, I only did it to enable us to income split.

SAfWH is going to his 12 step meetings, is remorseful and so on, but I don't feel like he is doing enough. Having said that, I don't know what I think he should be doing. He asks me what he can do to help me but I just don't know, it's like I want him to figure it out himself. Maybe it's just me. I thought at 20 months out I would have made more progress on me. I do see a CSAT, but while she is understanding and sympathetic, I'm not sure she is helping me progress in my healing. I'm willing to do the work but I need a plan to follow and I don't have that. I can't believe how little I accomplish these days. I can't seem to think straight or concentrate on anything for long enough to come to a decision on anything. Even trying to decide what to make for supper is a major challenge. I guess I'm just wallowing in self pity and need a good kick in the backside to get me moving again.

Sorry for whining ladies but this is the only place I can let it out. I know i have much in my life to be thankful for. Hugs to all SA spouses out there.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Notmetoo2011))))

So good to see that you are posting. We are here for you.

It sounds like what you need is a vacation or a getaway. Whenever I am in rut, I actually go to my escape, which is a nearby forest to do some hiking.

I think you are still young and have alot of life left. I understand the financial situation though. I am sorry you find yourself here. Perhaps a little time apart.

I was thinking lots about this during this weekend. I thought that an option is that I could live with WH and just go about my business. Really, if your not looking for another partner or to go on dates, etc. someone else to help pay bills, fix cars, etc. might be nice.

During my M I was always able to go on weekends and manage the house the way I wanted. WH didn't really care about that stuff. I don't know, I have seen "the other side". I think I would rather go on a trip than to be in court fighting him over taxes and kids tuition,etc.

I have already seen my vacation days sucked away by court dates and mediation.
Sorry, just a vent.

Be good to your self. Be good to yourself. Being true to you and your own life pursuits is what matters here. I know some things are scary, but sometimes change is good!

Hugs...


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

re: slumber party - I'll bring my fuzzy bunny slippers, some hot chocolate and popcorn!

Notme - so sorry for where you are right now. I've seen it several times where SA spouses are just like, "YOU (SA) figure it out - I'm tired of doing EVERYTHING!!!!" Do you think that maybe there is a reason for this "wallowing" - maybe it's some feelings that you have to go through? Maybe you'll come out on the other side stronger and more energized?

Hugs to all SA spouses; I am always thinking of you. This thread has been such a validating and healing part of my journey. Thank you all!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you doing about their lies? My SAWH lies about regular stuff. Today he said that he did not receive an email from me when he has it on his phone. He says that his phone is having some trouble getting emails. Bull. Then he lied about the garage being broken into.

How do you handle this and is your SAWH lying to you every day about regular things?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is SAWH's 50th bday. This should be a happy day for us but I feel like shit.

It's so hard not to reach out to him or try to do something special for this milestone birthday. But I can't. He's not my husband anymore. And he's not even my friend anymore. Because no friend would do what he's done to me and then blame me.

Just a sucky, sucky day.

My 50th is 5 months away and I will be "celebrating" it alone. I never in a million years thought I would find myself here. I never thought he could do this to me. To us. I thought he was my friend. The one who would never hurt me. He's the one who killed me.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cheatermagnet)))

You are a good and beautiful woman despite what is happening with your husband.

I am seeing now what you are talking about. They are so broken. We, however, in some way stayed with them for so many years. Our blinders are off now!

Just doing something for yourself...anything. It will help I promise.

As far as his birthday, yes, he would have gotten the biggest and best celebration if it weren't for the fact that he has betrayed you.

Don't worry, we all here on SI will celebrate with you!!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CM, I threw myself a party for my 50th. It was fabulous. Why not throw yourself a party?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
GrossedOut
♀ New Member
Member # 36937
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. I posted here in September 2012 and have mostly been away since then.

My story, briefly: Husband has a secret life online, which I discovered by accident. I came across some very troubling information, and Dick's response was to act like he had no idea what I was talking about. Then deny. Then, when presented with enough details to prove that I knew what I was talking about, he admitted it.

(He took pictures of me while I was sleeping and posted them on a sex forum for people with foot fetishes. He posted/responded to personal ads on Craigslist using a secret email account with a fake name. He got together with a guy he met online and the two of them did untold nasty things to a pair of my shoes. He posted photos of himself doing nasty things to the unattended shoes of a woman in his office after hours. He posted first-person reviews of massage parlors, strip joints, and other sex businesses, but insists it was all a fantasy and he never went to any of those places.)

At that time I told him I wanted a divorce. He wanted to work on our marriage and see if we could save it. He said he was a sex addict; I told him, fine, then go see a counselor.

He went to five sessions, declared that he wasn't getting anything out of it, and stopped going.

It's been six months and I feel like we're just treading water. I see no reason to stay together. Can I see myself someday retiring with this man? No way.

My point of view: For now, staying together in a sexless marriage would be an arrangement of financial convenience. There will be no sex because he's permanently turned me off. We have three children and we have debt, so splitting into two households would cause financial pain and wound the kids. But I still want to split up. Staying together is just delaying the inevitable, and I'm sure the kids have sensed that something is very wrong.

His point of view: We should stay together for financial reasons and also for the kids. We should stick it out until the youngest is out of high school -- which means four more years. Also, we should have sex. (If he's sitting on the sofa and the cat jumps into his lap, he'll make a dig: "Oh, I just LOVE affection! I need love!" Ew. Message received, and rejected!)

Yes, we have three children. Yes, we have debt. No, it's not a great time to split into two households and add all the extra expenses that arrangement would bring.

Next step: hiring a lawyer.


D-Day: September 5, 2012
Me: BW - 44
Him: WH - 44
Children: all girls -- 9th grade, 10th grade, 12th grade
History: Together 21 years, married 19 years
Status: I'm wavering on divorce. Dick is committed to counseling.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Florida
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