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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

outta_ I am truly sorry you are here and that your SAWH has done this to you.

What I have learned from those of you who are much older is to take care of you. Perhaps you have your house, a dog, whatever. Because it is difficult to move on at 63, etc. I would go on with my life, my activities and let him be.

In the last 1.5 yrs I have been out and separated from him, I have found myself again. I don't have anyone to answer to but me.

Hath, I think its great about the SA weekends. I think that if there was a section in the agenda where spouses were asked to write 10 things they appreciate about their partner would be good. Also,some emotional intimacy activities would be good.

numb, thanks for the information. Right now I am at the crossroad. Do I enter R with him or not? He wants to R. I am scared that he will be abusive again if we are living together (besides the lies). I am scared.

If I continue with the D, my kids will be crushed and I will be devastated to see him marry someone else (especially if he recovers).

I also know if I wait until I am older, I may not be able to find another partner in life because my looks/health won't be as good. Terrible of me to think of these things right?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torn - how is your SAWH doing in recovery? Does his recovery feel "real" to you? Is his heart in it and is he doing it for himself, not for you? Is he still lying to you? It seems that you are more than halfway there, being separated from him for 1.5 yrs and finding yourself again; D doesn't seem that much of a leap. Re: your concerns, he may also get remarried (or not) and NOT recover, you don't know what the future holds. The main regret I've seen people post about re: waiting until you are older to D is the lost/wasted time. Your looks/health may not be as good, but people of all ages can find relationships.

hath - here are some topics from our local SA spouse conference:
-Roadmap to sexual wholeness for couples
-Restoring intimacy
-Why am I the one wearing the shame?
-Rage, Grief and Boundaries: how to reclaim your power after infidelity
-Breaking free from Codependency
-Restoration after Disclosure
-Why did this happen and what do I do now?
-Forgiveness and Trust
-Finding Joy in the journey
-Dealing with your feelings
-Healing from the drama of the trauma

Hope this helps.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so so sorry outta...

My husband paid whores off craigslist too. Its incredibly hard for me to come to terms with. Most of all that he would stoop to paying. My husband also said

He doesn't want to disclose anymore information because going back "there" only serves to make him remember the things he is trying desperately to forget

But I believe they have to humble themselves enough to come completely clean, and also, recovery cant be made while keeping secrets. There is a great deal of denial in sex addiction.

Sending you and all you ladies big hugs.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@outta...I sent you a PM...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numb, he is lying and in denial. He will not tell me anything, heck he is still denying that he had a PA.

No, he is just working the symptoms of SA and not in full recovery.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
mdcsurviving
♀ New Member
Member # 39037
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I believe this is where I belong. I have been lurking on this site for almost two weeks and so far the advice here has been extremely valuable. I hope I am posting this correctly, please be patient I am new to this. I don't know really know at this point what I'm looking for but any advice is welcome.

I happened to open my husband's computer about two weeks ago and saw some sexual pictures of himself that he had posted online. I spent 2 days looking and searching and found that he has been posting pictures and videos all over the place. This week I've found out that he has "performed" online many, many times, chatted one on one, and in groups with webcams. I could see a definite escalation timeline.

He admitted that this has been going on for the last 5 years. He says he would do it for a few months, try to quit, but always went back to it.

I also found out that he has been dabbling in drugs, lying about money, pretty much every aspect of our lives has been a lie.

As far as I know, he has never actually physically cheated but apparently I am not the best judge of people so who knows.

I had absolutely no idea anything was going on. I attributed our growing distance to the normal wear and tear of life. Kids, jobs, and other everyday stresses. I feel like an idiot. I will say that he was very, very good at lying and manipulating me.

I asked him to find another place to stay for awhile because I could not even look at him. I stay at home with our young kids and could not function with him around.

After reading and researching I gave him a list of boundaries that I need for me and our kids to even think about allowing him home at all, and I wasn't making any promises. They included, drug testing, a CSAT, a 12 step program, a post-nup, full disclosure, and a voluntary transparency from him. I can't chase him around wondering where he is or what he is doing, because, like I said, he is very very good at lying.

Before I knew about the extent of the addictions he is dealing with, he signed us up for Retrouvaille this weekend, but I'm not sure it is a great idea anymore considering what he is currently facing and the depth of this compulsion.

So far he has been doing everything he can to get help. He is going to SAA and is seeing a CSAT before this weekend. He has offered to give me HIPPA access to his therapist so that I can determine if he should be allowed back in the home or not. He has talked to a couple of close friends and even a priest and seems truly remorseful; however, seeing any true changes will take a lot of time.

I have been intermittently furious, numb, shocked, and absolutely devastated to find out that my life was one big lie. I have had to act as normal as possible for our kids but I feel like I'm screaming inside. I am going to speak to a therapist next week because trying to hold it together on my own is not going to be enough for long.

I guess I do have some questions for those of you who have been there. I would like to keep life as normal as possible for our kids during this time while I am still processing everything and waiting to see what choices my husband is going to make. I don't want to make any life changing decisions in this state of mind.
If my husband can pass a drug test and the therapist gives me the okay, should I let him at home for our kids, to live as roommates as long as he is truly trying to get help?

Should I attend Retrouvaille this weekend when so much is up in the air?

What will my husband find out at his CSAT. Will he be able to diagnose if he has an addiction right away or does it take time?

Thanks for your help.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Apr 2013
AimfortheHeart
♀ New Member
Member # 37195
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mdcsurviving)))
I am so sorry you are in this situation.
My husband was into internet sex for years also, and it escalated into affairs. He also sought help right away, and told me he was sorry.

My kids are grown though - it is heartbreaking to think of you and others going through this with children at home.

Your instinct about this being too soon for the Retrouvaille weekend may be correct. I can't imagine being in an intensive weekend like that 2 weeks out from my DDay.
You're doing great at taking care of yourself right now. Keep focusing on yourself.

I do suggest adding one more thing to your boundaries. Because

he is very very good at lying
, as are all SAs:
Require STD testing, and get it for yourself too. I went to see my doctor and a counselor within a few days of DDay, and they both said the same thing to me: Liars lie. Get tested.

The CSAT should be able to determine addiction/compulsion pretty immediately if your husband tells him/her even part of what you discovered.

Hugs to all.


Me - BS 63
Him - SAWH 61
D-day #1 8/22/12
D-day #2 11/3/13
D-day #3 12/15/13

Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2012
mdcsurviving
♀ New Member
Member # 39037
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much AimfortheHeart, it helps to know I'm not alone.
When I read what you wrote about STD testing my heart froze. Logically, I know it's probably the right thing to do but a part of me still can't believe that this is now my life.
I am still thinking about going to the Retrouvaille because it might be a chance to not have to act like everything is okay. I haven't had anytime alone really and I have a happy face on all day long. I don't know how effective it will be at the moment but at least I can show how I actually feel. I don't know.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, everyone. Just thought I'd check in. Things have been going well, knock on wood. My SAWH changed to a very good CSAT and has been doing some very intensive work. He is in a men's therapy group, as well. He will be going to Arizona for a week long intensive, mainly to focus on his FOO issues. The intimacy anorexia work has been really rewarding. I have been busy with my own work. Have found a very good COSA group, one that I am extremely comfortable with. Weird how they aren't all the same.

Anyway, have to say that the difference when an SAWH really gets into recovery is night and day. He can sit and listen to me and openly talk about everything without getting even slightly defensive. He is introspective and thoughtful. Really behaving as the husband that I always wanted. He has never been this attentive.

MDCS - Sorry you find yourself here. My SAWH also had drug issues. I would not think going to Retrouvaille with a spouse so early in recovery would be a good idea. Some kinds of therapy do more harm than good with an SA. It is a very specialized area. Until an SA and apparently an NA (if he is addicted to drugs) has been sober for some time, they do not have the tools to have a marriage encounter. Just my thoughts but perhaps you could speak to his CSAT and find out.

torn2bits - Sorry, he isn't really into recovery. it took almost 1 1/2 years of attending meetings for my SAWH to really get into recovery. I hear this all the time in meetings, where it takes 1-2 years in the program before people really start to get it. How long has he been going?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
mdcsurviving
♀ New Member
Member # 39037
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Missymomma, talking to his CSAT is a good idea. I already have babysitters lined up away from home so maybe I can do what I've been wanting to do: lay in bed with some junk food and throw myself a weekend long pity party.



Posts: 4 | Registered: Apr 2013
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy, he was seeing a therapist who specialized in SA. He was transferred to another IC and has been seeing a therapist for 1 year.

It is not until now that I have seen some minor changes.

The real thing for me now is.....do I really want to deal with all this crap. I mean really. He cheated, he has a problem, he's not in recovery, who knows if he ever will recover.

I just don't know that I want to spend my days in therapy and SA/Al-non meetings. I would rather be camping, taking pictures in the woods or finding new restaurants.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mdc - welcome, and sorry you're here. I think staying in bed all weekend is an excellent idea. Be gentle with yourself and take care.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I get you T2B. I don't really get excited about going to meetings and having to deal with him as he works the steps. I'm too old and too tired.

And I've got so much crap from FOO and Pigfucker, I can't even go to an Al-anon meeting without crying all the way through. I just don't want this to be my life.

Good news, the person renting the apartment I want has given notice. Hopefully, that means she will be out at the end of the month. Then I can get the apartment.

While there are certainly drawbacks from living literally next door to my office (the apartment actually has a door connecting to our offices), but with no car and a very small salary I can't afford anything else. At least everything I need is pretty much within walking distance. And the low rent will allow me to save up for another car. And I can lose myself in work.

I work for a small non-profit theatre company. We are in the middle of a show now and we have lots of rentals and other shows coming up so there is plenty of work to be done. I just need to hang on a little bit longer.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So funny, we were having this discussion at and after my COSA meeting. Quite a few people do not want to go through all of the recovery work. It is a big time commitment. I know that 2-5 years it won't be as big a time commitment. Deeper into recovery, the maintenance is not as intense. It seems all so unfair, after all that we have been through. I just don't want a repeat of being in an addicted relationship. Either way, I will be in recovery for myself.

Torn - Is he working with a CSAT? Sorry I can't remember. I saw small changes before but the changes now are huge. It is a tough choice. If we didn't have kids, I wouldn't have hung in this long.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy,

It's more that I spent 20 years with an abusive alcoholic. I thought that I'd met my quota of crazy for my life.

I just don't want any more crazy. I don't want a life of working recovery with an addict. I know that down the road the work gets easier. Remember, SAWH is a 22 year member of AA. And when we got together you could see the results of working the program. He was the most self aware and honest person I knew. He was always willing to look to see what his part was in any situation. Once he relapsed into his addiction with the sexual acting out, the addict behaviors started resurfacing. Now, he is behaving much too much like Pigfucker for my taste. He's not being verbally or physically abusive, but when he is angry he is saying hurtful things and then "forgetting" them later. I will not live like that again. I can't unhear the words. So now, anytime he says something kind to me, I immediately hear the harsh things he said a few weeks ago.

I posted this in S/D, but will repeat it here. Yesterday I had a conversation with him about how we have different love languages. And over the years weren't filling each other's love bank because we didn't speak the others language. I made some analogies and he said he agreed. I had hoped that he would make the connection between his love language being touch with his sexual acting out, but he didn't. At least not out loud. So, I ended the topic and figured that was that.

Today, I made his lunch while I was making mine. After lunchtime he sends me a text.

"Thank you for the wonderful lunch! You are so magnificent and kind and thoughtful and sweet! Love you."

Now, he knows that my love languages are words of affirmation and acts of service. So, I figure he is trying to send a message that he understands what my love language is now and he is trying to speak it. Fine. Great. Wonderful! If that was the only thing we had to deal with that would be great.

However, there is still no admission of SA. There is still no SA work. No meetings, no reading, no steps, nothing. We are just ignoring that little elephant in the room.

No thanks. I don't want that life. And even if by some miracle he does start doing the work, after the things he said to me recently, I'm not sure it would be enough. I'll never un-hear him tell me that it is my fault he got blow jobs from strange men. And my fault he fucked his ex-junkie whore ex-wife. Because I wasn't having sex with him twice a week. Oh, and that I was fat and he wasn't attracted to me. Fuck you.

I've given him a year and a half to do something. Anything. He's done zip. And now I don't think I care anymore.

I don't want this to be my life.

*I hope this doesn't sound as if I am angry at you. I didn't mean it that way at all. I'm just so tired*


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somebody help me! I need some good advice.

Outanowhere….I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. I must say, you seem to be doing really well….I was not doing as well as you that early on. Keep reading and posting and reaching out to people in your life. You can get through this. It’s horrid, but you will survive it. Are you seeing a CSAT? Do you have Barbara Steffens’ book, “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”, Stephanie Carnes’ book, “Mending a Shattered Heart” and Claudia Black’s book “Deceived”? These are a good start.

Welcome to the new members. I have to say it makes me so sad and sick to hear of someone else having to go through the pain I experienced, and then to read there are children, who sadly are affected as well from living in the addicted family.

My advice is from the perspective of being divorced (Finally!!) from a highly functioning, personality disordered alcoholic who had other addictions on top of the sex with prostitutes, porn and alcohol, so it’s not the same as those whose partners were able to feel remorse and seek help. But maybe parts of it apply to others as well. What I wish I had done was go to an intensive for me, right away. A week of group therapy is what it took to save myself.

Absolutely see a CSAT for yourself. Let go of what your partner needs to do. Nothing I did helped him anyway, and maybe enabled him further.

Twelve step groups helped me immensely. I was co-addicted more than I knew, especially with the alcohol part of it, but the trauma of the massive sexual betrayal is what needed addressing first and foremost. Find a group that helps, whether it’s COSA, S-Anon, Al-Anon, Coda, or even open AA meetings. I was hurting so much and had completely isolated and found that I could go to these meetings and cry and let out a little of what was going on, and get relief and support. You don’t have to share anything, but you will learn how others cope with the chaos in their lives.

There is life after living with an SA. It’s beautiful, but recovery takes a long time. Luckily, having come from such a painful place, we are grateful for even small improvements. A big thing for me is acceptance of the reality of my life, that recovery is a process, and I’ll be working at it the rest of my life.

{{{{ Big Hugs }}}}


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
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Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

they are soliciting input from all their current spouse patients to develop this and I would love to hear input from you all. What would you like to be included/addressed? What kinds of activities would be helpful? ETc.

Hath, I'm glad to hear something like this is being developed. What I'd love to see is how those of us who had to leave our spouses can heal. Do you know if your place is looking for input from spouses only?

Group therapy is really powerful. I'd love to get together with a group of women who've overcome the damage to self-esteem, sexuality and relationships, or who are seeking how to do this. I'd also love to learn how people have helped their children to cope. What's happened is too much for children to have to know, yet it is a reality of the family dynamic. They've grown up in this environment and they are affected. It's a minefield, anyway you look at it.

As far as activities, at my intensive we did trauma work. We had group discussions, small group discussions, daily meditation, art projects, writing assignments. All were helpful. Just being in the room with people who get the pain is immensely helpful. The group therapy aspect of seeing people open up to the pain they've experienced is powerfully healing for those who witness it.


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheater, I'm sorry if it seemed I was talking about the SAWH's recovery. I was actually talking about mine and COSAs or spouses recovery. The meetings and therapy take up a lot of time. Because I am a repeat of marrying an all around addict, staying with my own recovery this time is very important.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((mdcsurviving)))))

You have been thrust in a shitstorm. I am so sorry, you deserve much better.

It sounds like you have been doing a lot of reading. Maybe you have even read "My neverending story" (my story in SI in JFO), because you are doing a lot of the same things I did right after discovery. I am almost two years out now, and this is what I would tell you based on what I read about you, and from my own personal experience.

Get yourself to your own CSAT ASAP. You need it more than him at this point. His therapy won't be effective until he decides to really be honest and choose recovery, whereas you need the trauma therapy RIGHT NOW. Don't worry about his stuff, you are in critical condition right now and need the necessary help. My greatest regret was waiting six months to find my own CSAT therapist, as I was sure I could get by with this SA class I took and just reading stuff and coming on SI.

As for his CSAT's diagnosis, if he does legitimate testing it will take some time, several weeks or more. But we all know here what the end result is. The proof is for him, not you. So don't worry about it any more.

Get STD testing right away. Tell your doctor you need every available test. I don't want to scare you but it could mean the difference in life and death, because most STDs are treatable but you have to act quickly. You will have to do it again in six months before you will know for sure you are clean, and that assumes no sexual contact with anyone else.

Get to a S-Anon meeting ASAP. It may not be for you, but you need the IRL company of others who have been in your shoes right now. Ask your CSAT if there are any seminars/programs/group therapy etc for spouses you can go to. This board is awesome, but IRL support is critical.

I would not go to Retrouwhatever. I have never been, but if it is like traditional marriage therapy, it can actually do more harm that good for a couple faced with initial discovery of SA. That is designed for people with run of the mill communication issues, not people who have been severely traumatized and experience severe betrayal. Telling a spouse of a SA that JFO that they should reconnect with their WH by giving each other a massage, when you can't even look at them, is an example of what you hear in traditional MC/therapy, from my own experience. You really don't want to do those types of exercises, and in a group setting it will be even harder to refuse to do them.

I would not let him back in the house, unless it is just too hard for you to logistically/financially function without him. This is why. There is likely more he hasn't told you. You don't know if he is really going to embrace recovery yet. It will be infinitely harder to throw him out later if you find out he has an extreme history you can't live with, or if he is faking his way through recovery to placate you. And honestly, he has engaged in behaviors that has put your whole family at risk. Until you can be sure that isn't happening any more, I wouldn't have him in the house. I often wonder how my own story and healing would have been different if I had done this from the start.

That's my 2 cents. I know you are hurting to much to absorb much else now. So in summary:
Get a CSAT for you, ASAP.
Get STD testing for you, ASAP. Discussing meds with that doc might be something to consider too.
Don't go to Retrov or MC yet.
Don't let your SAWH back to live in the house until you have a whole lot more healing under your belt, unless it is conducive to your healing.

Hang in there. You can do this. We will help you.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
mdcsurviving
♀ New Member
Member # 39037
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you hathnofury, I am supposed to speak to his CSAT this afternoon and I will ask if he can see me too or if he can recommend someone else.

I am torn about letting him come home because financially, it would be the best thing for us. Especially considering the added expense of all this therapy. I want to talk to his CSAT about his emotional capability to to even be around the kids right now. One of the reasons I kicked him out in the first place was because he could not hold it together. Of course, if he cannot pass a drug test, then it doesn't matter, I won't put my kids in jeopardy by having him in the same house no matter what the cost.

It's odd the way I found out, he was so very good, he never hid his phone or computer, they were always lying around, nothing locked. I never went through his history or messages. I grabbed his computer because it was the closest one to me and opened it up and it was right there. Several tabs of pictures without me even touching the screen. He has been hiding it so well for so long, a part of me wonders if he wanted to get caught.

I am going to make an appointment this week for STD testing. No need to take chances and I'm trying to be as smart as possible.

I am also going to start working for my doula certification so I can take appointments inside my home and make my own schedule. It is something I have always wanted to do but have not because I stay at home and homeschool my kids.

The post-nup is important to me, mainly because it seems like if chooses to not get healthy then it will only get worse and I need full custody of the kids. As well as spousal support and child support, but I know I can't depend on him to support us any longer because this kind of lifestyle he is leading could land him in jail or with no job at all.

Those of you who have separated from your spouses before really deciding what to do, what did you tell your children?

On a different note, he went to his first SAA meeting and wanted to talk about the things he is going through right now. I had to stop him because I just don't want to really hear about it yet. I felt kind of callous but I feel like I've got enough of my own problems right now and don't want to be unloaded on by him if that makes sense.

I also looked up S-Anon meetings and I guess I will go to one of those next week too. It feels like a lot to do right now when it's hard just making it through my day but I guess these things will help me to heal so that's what I'll do.

Thank you so much for your replies.


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