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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For all of you: Do His Parents Know?

I need to be talked down here. My discussion with the CSAT indicated that it would be a bad idea for either of us to tell his parents. They said my husband was deeply ashamed, he didn't need to be shamed for all time, and once he was in recovery and in a place of strength he might or might not choose to tell them. And I agree with all of that.

However, his parents just arranged to come visit for a weekend. Husband has been extremely depressed following D-Day. They asked if they could talk to me about his depression and treatment and he explained not a good idea as we are having marital problems. So now they are flying in on their capes for my husband's birthday. They most likely assume that I have ditched him in his depression (because they don't know his depression was brought on by acting out with a stripper/prostitute). And that drives me crazy! I would never do that to someone. And how the heck am I supposed to act during this visit and on his birthday celebration? It also burns because I have no family left and my family was not the type to help in a crisis anyway.

Has anyone confronted anything like this? Struggling . . .

[This message edited by cds22 at 11:37 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Windows, sorry I was not clear. All those options I meant are for YOU as the spouse. Not for him. They have intensives and conferences for spouses of SAs. Not as many as for the SAs themselves, of course (boo) but they do exist. You WHs cooperation or endorsement is not required for your healing.

CDS, I had a similar predicament right after DDay. I had to visit my family and MIL and could not tell them. Told them I had a UTI so they wouldn't think I was really sick or about to leave DH. Chances are his FOO issues had a LOT to do with him becoming SA, so it is best they aren't part of it now.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Windows, sorry I was not clear. All those options I meant are for YOU as the spouse. Not for him. They have intensives and conferences for spouses of SAs. Not as many as for the SAs themselves, of course (boo) but they do exist. You WHs cooperation or endorsement is not required for your healing.

CDS, I had a similar predicament right after DDay. I had to visit my family and MIL and could not tell them. Told them I had a UTI so they wouldn't think I was really sick or about to leave DH. Chances are his FOO issues had a LOT to do with him becoming SA, so it is best they aren't part of it now.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In other Hath news, LOL, my group therapy is about to end. It is bittersweet, but we have been together for two years and we are at the point in our recovery where we need to take time to focus on ourselves with activities that DO NOT involve therapy/12 step/SA at all/etc. We will probably keep in touch via email and may even meet occasionally, but we all live so far apart maybe not.

My M is okay. He's in the stage where he's having trouble going from order 1 to order 2 change, truly embracing the loss of control, addressing hard-core FOO and his really bad and invasive character defect of compulsive dishonesty. I can see such change and growth in him. But I can't say I'm not disappointed he is not much farther along. He had a long fall from grace though, so a longer distance to climb I guess. So we can't really do MC or address stuff like that in earnest until he passes these hurdles. I am past my equivalent hurdles so it is frustrating that I passed him up and am waiting on him to catch up. That it is my choice to wait on him. That I wrote a sentence with a triple negative in this paragraph so clearly I do have other things to address.

But I am happier than I have been in months. I am preparing for a new chapter in my life. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. And even if it turns out to be an oncoming train, I can handle it and will be fine. I've been through worse and survived. I am happy to be here and happy to be alive.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 3:40 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to say something about the worry that 12 step programs emphasize co-addiction and that the spouse is "part of the problem." Don't jump to conclusions after one or two visits. While some of the literature talks about co-addicts, it's because they are heavily based on AA, those relationship often ARE about codependency. And it IS true that SA is a family disease IF other forms of abuse are present.

I adamantly rejected the codep model of SA. Many of us did. I still got so much support and love from the sisterhood and the knowledge that I wasn't alone in this trauma. Of course, the particular group of women may have a lot to do with my positive experience. I came to understand that I did have some codep traits in the abusive relationship between my SAfWH and myself, but certainly not in the same way as someone with knowledge of the addiction, living with it and putting up with it.

Don't discount the strength that you can get in just being with others who have the same stories. Like SI, you'll take what you need and leave the rest. It isn't a place with a set in stone dogma, it's a place of respite and understanding, where others can relate to your life.

Give it 2-3 visits to see if you can find comfort there.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies. I found a COSA meeting on Fridays at 6pm about 45mins from here. Any experience with that organization? I'm intending to go.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't think there is too much difference between sanon and cosa. I just looked at the website and the philosophies seem identical. There may be a few hard-liners. For instance, there is a read-aloud line that says that you are only supposed to discuss and read "sanon or aa approved books and literature" but at my group, we talked about all kinds of books, although during the formal part of the meeting, the introduction, the literature was theirs.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I denied denied denied that I was codependent until just a few days ago. SAWH has other active addictions and I see now how they all co-relate.
It's been devastating to make this realization, but also exciting to see that I can grow. I feel more self aware than I ever have before.

I went to my first S-ANON meeting tonight. I was terrified, but I went!!

Yay me! :)


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 453 | Registered: Mar 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, so much going on! I have been very, very busy and not had time to post. I truly believe that calling a spouse a co-addict, is harmful. It implies that the spouse is somehow responsible for the addiction. For me, I have some codependent traits. That doesn't mean I am a full blown codependent. I am definitely not a co-sex addict. I didn't compromise my sexual integrity or values for my SAWH. My COSA group is very positive in that way. Open to all kinds of ideas. Surely there are S-Anon groups that are the same way.

Hope everyone is doing well. Will check in tomorrow.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I didn't make it sound like I thought of myself as a co-sex addict! I have been in codependent relationships with others who weren't SA's. it's just with this relationship, i can add this previously unknown addiction to his pile.

Maybe I should have posted that in the codependent thread. With SA, I certainly gravitate toward the trauma model.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 453 | Registered: Mar 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, the term co-addict can be harmful, but I have never been one to fixate on words. I also learned codependent behavior as a result of dealing with his traumatizing actions, walking on eggshells, adapting my attitudes in an attempt to keep the peace, and also, in truth, not allowing myself to believe the truths that were in front of me. Codep and enabling but not co-addict.

And many spouses are neither. SAs are just that good at hiding and of course master manipulators.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So SAWH just got called back from someone in SAA. Now I'm feeling awkward. How do you deal with an addict who isn't "that bad"?
The guy he spoke to asked if SAWH was going to be okay until a meeting...as in can you go that long without exposing yourself or raping someone essentially. Is SAA the right place for those who 'only' have porn addiction and desire to see prostitutes? Is It something he can fight on his own because it's so less severe than what others are dealing with?

*edit* I just read an article about the difference between true sex addiction and porn addiction. Now I'm wondering if I belong here or not! Maybe he was just a jerk for having a five year long emotional affair. That part really had no part of his porn addiction anyway.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 8:20 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 453 | Registered: Mar 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone - There are plenty of porn addicts in SAA. Since your SAWH has had an emotional affair, (btw my SAWH's CSAT does not believe in that word) and porn addiction it isn't just not "that bad". The fantasy affair is a part of the sex addiction. My SAWH minimized his addiction in the beginning, since he didn't have that hard of a time stopping. This was before he admitted how bad it was. What do you mean porn addiction isn't a sex addiction? From my understanding it is a form of sex addiction.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if I can post the link to the article I read.

It just stated how porn addiction actually harms sexuality and the addict has trouble with real sex, whereas with sex addiction, the person actually has sex and acts out in the real world.

I think I may be the one minimizing in the relationship right now. I keep thinking...he never actually physically acted out. I get stuck thinking that maybe it's not that bad. I keep comparing with others.

You're right about the EA. I hate even calling it that, since there was a sexual component to their connection. But since they never had sex, I don't know what to call it.

I see today that I need to detach again and focus on my own healing.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 453 | Registered: Mar 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, my SAWH has problems having sex. He has intimacy anorexia and has had sexual anorexia. Doug Weiss talks about those that use porn, have fantasy affairs and use prostitutes as being unable to be intimate and are afraid.

Going to be busy the next few days, still. Can't wait for school to finish.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone, I sort of know how you are feeling -- my husband is mainly porn and his hit bottom moment appears to have been acting out with a stripper (though I am still waiting for the polygraph to be sure). Anyway, the thing to realize is that without treatment there is a strong chance your husband's behavior will escalate. My husband was "porn-only" for two decades and then as he needed bigger thrills and also bigger stresses developed in his life with job/kids, he escalated.

I have wondered if it would be helpful to have groups divided into porn only or some gradation of severity of SA. Frankly, my husband and I are both a little worried that a group may give him new ideas such as chat rooms etc or may "normalize" deviant behavior. However, my H's therapist though says that it can be helpful for "porn-only" or lower-level SAs to see what can happen if they don't get their compulsive behavior under control. FWIW, at our treatment place the SA is in IC for a few months and then group is added.

Good luck!


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep reading about the polygraphs. I have no idea where to begin to look for that service. I have a very haunting feeling I'm being played & I need to nip it in the bud! Can someone point me in the right direction?


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outtanowhere, some CSATs can you give you referrals (some don't espouse polygraphs but our office does and I eventually plan to get a referral from them -- I am waiting until after our mediated disclosure to confirm with polygraph).


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, epiphany day. I was wondering why it was taking so long for me to hear my CSAT's views on SAWH's psych eval from the predator specialist, and NOW I know.

Quick recap, SAWH failed his poly in November, so to address my concerns if the children were safe with him in the home (I had no evidence to suggest they were in danger, I wanted independent verification) they sent him to a guy they send any of their addicts that show possible predator tendencies. This guy does psych evals for the courts of real offenders all the time, knows his stuff. I talked to him as part of the evaluation, and he affirmed he was a low risk to the kids, and told me what red flags to look for in the future.

Anyway, he wrote up a long report and it took forever for my CSAT to get a copy for logistical reasons. We finally got to discuss it today, six months later. My main concern was to get my CSAT's take on the evaluation, see if their were other potential mental health issues that I needed to be aware of. He's never really fit the classic NPD mold but I have always suspected some sort of mental issue.

I found out why God and the universe waited until today for me to hear about this report. I am two days fresh from my DD's IEP evaluation at her elementary school. She is most definitely on the autism spectrum and highly likely Asperger's. She does not fit the classic mold, but if you could imagine Sheldon from Big Bang Theory as a seven year old girl, that's my kid. I heard all sorts of experts tell me about her traits and behaviors and so forth, how it played into ASD/Asperger's and how they could accommodate her in the public schools setting and help her learn skills to manage on her own down the line.

Then today I heard my CSAT read the highlights of the evaluation, with her input and interpretation...and a lot of it was just like the meeting I just had two days ago. The only difference between him and DD is he was shamed greatly as a child, so he was forced into learning shame in spades (DD is not capable of it), his exposure to porn and sexual stuff at an early age, and thirty more years of life experience to learn how to hide not only his addiction but his Asperger's so he can appear "normal". The NPD traits he does have are the ones that overlap with Asperger's, which is why it felt similar but not right. And a bunch of other stuff I won't go into, but more missing pieces of the puzzle.

Anyway, I told my CSAT about what I was seeing/hearing from the report, and she remarked that people on the autism spectrum may require different treatment in some of the areas of SA, which may be part of his struggle. At the very least makes recovery more difficult/challenging. This is not to excuse his behavior or where he is in recovery, but it is another piece of the puzzle I have been missing. There's some specific therapy he could benefit from in addition to what he's doing. And of course I think knowing he is likely ASD/Aspergers will change how I think and approach things with him, and once his CSAT gets wind of this it may for his CSAT as well.

Anyway, how this fits into ME and MY healing is validation I am not crazy. There is a mental health issue in the mix, I knew that boy ain't right as it were. I just have to figure out now how this new info impacts my needs/boundaries/healing/future/etc.

Like I don't have enough to do. Anyway, I suppose it could be worse. And it might be. Whatever, I got this.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath - So glad that you have the diagnosis! This is what you have suspected and explains so much. Wonder how it will affect treatment?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
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