Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for book rec!

Outtanowhere, I think anger is a healthy response to the situation to say the least! I go back and forth between anger and feeling like things are going to come out right in the end.

I have been told over and over to wait 6-12 months to make a decision. Emotions are just running too high right now. Also, I am already seeing my H make incredible progress in therapy, demonstrate a huge commitment, etc. That takes a little time to see if it is going to happen or not.

Hugs to you.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love Milton Magness! His newest book, Stop Sex Addiction is phenomenal!! It was a real turn around for us. Hope everyone is doing well today.

Very busy with end of school year activities. Things are going ok here, just plugging along.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
LalaB
♀ New Member
Member # 39349
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. Been lurking for months and months. Wanted to say hi. I have been on other sites and this seems to be the most safe. So a little scared right now. Been through extreme trauma and seem to either bring even more trauma into my life by going onto other sites or others are traumatized by how my truth works for me. We are all so traumatized, yet sometimes I have found that we (betrayed spouses of all kinds) can traumatize each other almost as bad as those who first traumatized us. So, anyway, enough psychobable for now... It's nice to read some of your responses and trials. Thanks for letting me introduce myself.

Also - I hope you can help me find that Milton Magness book, Hope and Freedom for Sex Addicts and Their Partners. I have presently read around 60 to 70 sex addict books or betrayal books and have not read this one. I can find it on Amazon for between $800 to over $2000 - not kidding - really sick how people would even think of selling a book for that much that is not centuries old. It seems it is out print. Anyone know where to buy it for less than $50?

[This message edited by LalaB at 12:55 PM, May 24th (Friday)]


BW: 47
SAfWH: 47
DD: 3
Been together over a quarter of a century.
Discovery Day: 6/12 - took a long time to get full truth.

Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2013 | From: West Coast
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try the store at hope and freedom

http://www.hopeandfreedom.com/index.php/store/category/34-books


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading Dr. Magness's book today.His youtube video on spouses was certainly indicative of a true believer in the trauma model! Has anyone done a weekend or ordered the dvds?


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2929 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not explored that SK -- keep us posted if you do a weekend though.

I was wondering about spousal mixed feelings during recovery. So, our situation at least this far in is that my H has really thrown himself into therapy and he seems so happy! He says his mind is clearer, he came up with a great idea at work, he is more present and he seems lighter and happier and more engaged. He is talking about picking up some old hobbies and interests. In short, he appears thrilled at the direction his life is moving in.

I am very happy for him. I am. But I sort of feel this resentment that he is soaring to new heights of personal growth and appears happier every day while I am still struggling with grief and anxiety. I feel guilty for complaining because of course this is what I wished for. But I feel like I paid part of the toll for this one . . .

[This message edited by cds22 at 8:50 AM, May 27th (Monday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cds)))Notme posted the same thing six weeks ago, and this is what I said:

I totally relate to what you posted, I too am just under 2 years out, and have a SAWH that is in recovery but it often feels like not enough.
Here's the thing. When the SA goes through recovery, once they get past accepting they have a problem and getting past the initial shame, it is mostly getting better from there. Their shame is lifted, they suddenly have so much more free time (because they aren't acting out) to do all this recovery work. They feel better about themselves. Etc.

The spouse, on the other hand, has a downward cycle before it gets better. We are suddenly slapped in the face with betrayal and shame of an ungodly intensity, and have to deal with the trauma fallout. We go through all the shit that a BS goes through, can't eat/sleep/function/have panic attacks whatever. We suddenly have to devote all this time to our own care and recovery WITHOUT gaining time from losing a less desirable time suck. Even in the best case scenario, the SA can't give us the best attention and support we need when we need it most. It is quite the shit sandwich, and we are justifiably resentful. Of all the lost time. Of finding out our lives/partners were not who they led us to believe. Of the crap we have had to endure as a result of the acting out, and in recovery. Of having to keep secrets, or deal with the fallout of not keeping secrets. The guilt of all of it affecting our performance as friend, family member, parent, a human being. And IDK if there is really *anything* a SA, even one in full recovery for years, could do to really remedy and make up for all that. So we are mad that they aren't killing themselves trying to anyway, whether they really are, they think they are, or don't even try because they would fail. All this often happens while they are getting better and feeling better about themselves. And it is not fair.

So you are totally justified in your "funk", as it were. Since I am in the same position, I can't really tell you from experience it does get better. But I have to believe it does. At any rate, I can tell you I am way better now than I was almost two years ago, and I feel like it can only get better going forward no matter what happens. And that counts for something.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((cds22))

I've been feeling exactly the same. H is totally throwing himself into SAA. He just got his white book and is reading it religiously. He's spending more time with the kids and has moments where he isn't totally annoyed with them. I'm glad he's making that effort with them. I still feel like I'm not really a part of the equation yet. Maybe the marriage front is just too much to deal with right now.
And I get it. I really do. But it sure doesn't feel good.
Because I caught him, he gets a new and wonderful life. What do I get? Heartache and trauma and loneliness. Yippee!

That's a great post from notme.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone and esp hathnofury for that amazing post! And Sadone I am so sorry you are going through this too. :(

My husband's CSAT suggested we start marital therapy - - this was in response to him telling her about some of our arguments and my anger. The H has not been in therapy that long - - I think a little over a month. Sober since he started. He is just starting SAA tonight and looking for a sponsor. He had his first solo business trip again (therapist set up check ins twice daily, no computer with him, two drink limit) and he felt that went fine. He hasn't had strong urges toward the porn viewing and feels much better *but* he has started smoking again (1-2 cigarettes per day).

Is it too early to start marital therapy? I thought the model was we were supposed to focus on individual recovery first -- which we have done but it has only been a month or two. On the other hand, we both feel so sad having our marriage in limbo.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I finished the Magness book, Stop Sec Addiction. I liked a lot about it, but was disappointed it didn't have more specifics for me, to help me heal. He is amazingly accurate in his presentation of the pain and trauma. And for those of you in early recovery I think it should be a first read. Personally, I skipped the first 12 chapters or so, tired of hearing the pathology, I think I could give a course on that.

So, I'm debating whether to get another of his books or invest $60 in the Dvd downloaded for partners. Seems cheap enough, but again, I really don't want to hear any more about the etiology of an addiction

I resllyneed some practical ways yo get past

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 3:30 PM, May 27th (Monday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2929 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's try the ending of my post here, lol!
I really need some practical ideas and a plan to heal from this trauma.
There.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2929 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you tried Intimate Treason by Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi or Facing Heartbreak by Stephanie Carnes, et al. Both of these are workbooks. My CSAT and I have been doing a lot of things out of Facing Heartbreak.

Has been a busy holiday weekend. Off to a COSA meeting. Missed last week and really looking forward to going tonight.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK, what have you tried thus far in? I am assuming IC. Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy in IC? Or "flooding" techniques if there are specific events/images/incidents that are still traumatic?

Also it is very individual but for whatever reason something about the SA stuff has made me much more inclined to physical modalities. I have been seeing a bodywork therapist (massage). To find someone worthwhile I would read the yelp reviews carefully -- spas/gyms are hit or miss. I have also found the gym and in particular the warm water therapy pool very healing.

I am sorry I don't have more to suggest!


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the help. I just ordered both books, although I'm a bit leary of Cara. We worked with her early on, her research is sound but she WAS a huge coaddict proponent. Maybe shes been converted.
And I will mention those techniques to my IC.
I TRULY must get back into an exercise routine. I have been better, but nothing like pre nightmare. I know it would be good for me.
Hugs to you. Thanks.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2929 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Followup on my thoughts on books and such, LOL.

So my CSAT gave me Hope and Freedom For Sexual Addicts and Their Partners by Milton Magness, with the intent SAWH and I read a chapter every night. Which I haven't done <hide> but I've read half of it on my own. My thoughts on it thus far is it is a great introductory of what SA entails, what it does to the spouse, what the treatment options are and treatment path will look like. Like I said most of this I already know being two years out and in therapy, but I wish I had read this first instead of learning it all on my own through different books and experience. It is not the end all, and as a former employee of the publishing industry some of the editing and formatting issues in the book make me cringe <laugh>, but it is a one-stop shop for getting your feet wet IMHO. I have not read any of his other books, seen his DVDs or done his intensives. I will say my CSAT is going to talk to SAWH's CSAT about maybe doing MAgness's stuff instead of recovery kit (Carnes) stuff, because she said in her experience the guys that don't "get" it in recovery kit and 12 step, or have continued problems with sobriety, seem to do better with Magness stuff. So take that for what it's worth, LOL.

I have not read Stef Carnes Facing Heartbreak, but she was writing while I was in group and we supposedly did a lot of the exercises in it because we were a test group for some of the content. I can tell you group work in trauma was essential in my recovery. You can only get so far in IC, you really see yourself in others in group, and it motivates you to do the exercises, LOL. It's different that 12 step, because it is controlled by a therapist and you are given specific tasks to address trauma and not co-dep or whatever.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, I would be interested in hearing what work was done in a group setting that you found valuable. My CSAT was heavily involved with that book, as well, and over the last 2 years we have done many of the things that ended up being in it. They were one on one, though. So I would love to know about stuff done in a group setting.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to let you all know, for those finding it difficult to get one of Magness's copies, google books has it and you can at least read excerpts from it there.

http://books.google.com/books/about/Hope_Freedom_for_Sexual_Addicts_and_Thei.html?id=jMEI_no5gQoC

I just read the full chapter "Addressing the Partner", so I'm not sure if it's the entire book or if there are parts missing, but there is definitely significant parts of the book available, in the least.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 6:35 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The main benefit of group therapy is you are out of your isolated bubble and see yourself in others that you otherwise would not see. So Missy, if you can imagine the exercises you did, but doing it in a group setting so everyone shared their results, how much different it would be. The longer the group is together, the more comfortable you are about discussing the really tough stuff in depth. Also you feel more accountable in doing the exercises and doing them more detailed than you would have for just yourself.

I will give an example that is probably not the best, but is the most innocuous and won't feel like sharing somebody's deep secrets. There was a woman in our group that was pregnant when she started with her 3rd child in five years, and the baby was 6 months when we disbanded a couple weeks ago. She felt like she was so behind in group work, so behind in her personal growth, so behind in her healing, that she was not supportive enough to her husband/kids/family/etc. And didn't understand why she was so exhausted and stressed out.

Well duh, you have a newborn and two other kids under age 5. It is an accomplishment to get dressed, brush your teeth and stay in clean clothes all day. Your body is recovery from pregnancy and overloaded with hormones that spike and drop at a moment's notice. You reach the epiphany you really can't make all three kids happy all the time, you can't even know where all three kids are all the time LOL. Why have any expectations of any huge strides in anything else, let alone in healing as a spouse of SA trauma?

And yeah, her IC could have told her that. Her spouse, sister, friends, whatever. But she needed someone who had BTDT, been in her specific shoes of many littles while dealing with this crap, to tell her and validate it for her. There was more to this than I am sharing, but we were able to validate those concerns as well. With the direction of the CSAT so we aren't giving her info that was not helpful. Like I said, this is maybe not the best example but I don't want to betray the confidences of my group with more specific examples of stuff addressed in those exercises that are likely in Stef Carnes's book and books like it.

Every week I went, whether we did exercises or not, one or more of the ladies would discuss something that I had not considered in my own life. That in and of itself pushed me to explore and grow on my own more than I would have in IC. You get some of this in 12 step, but because there's no professional there to keep you on track and dissuade bad info from well-meaning people, it's not quite the same.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I am far from cloud 9 over here I feel like safety and sanity has returned to my life. My mood is much better, I am not in crisis mode anymore or feeling panic all the time. I am enjoying a lot of my day and getting back to my work and interests. A few of my triggers have disappeared or ameliorated. I have a very clear sense of my limits and that does help.

The H is deep into therapy and sober. He has listened and understood my upset, and knows we have a slog ahead of us still. We start MC in a few weeks not only with respect to the SA but to address what I now see as longstanding issues of not enough intimacy and partnership in our marriage, emotional or sexual. But in the past few weeks I feel like even that has improved. Funny how much extra time and devotion you have when you aren't watching porn multiple times per week! Our relationship seems to be tentatively but sweetly reawakening.

Is this the light blinding me before the train hits?? Is two months too soon for the healing to be starting? Am I hysterically bonding, rugsweeping, denying, etc? Or could something good be happening at last!

[This message edited by cds22 at 3:34 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@cd, I can only speak of my experience. I think I was more upbeat than I later became, in the early days. It may be that I saw my SAfWH's recovery work as stalling, even if, in his eyes, he was "processing" a life of addiction slowly.

It may be that you have fewer FOO traumas to deal with. Mine were deep and many, and that has a significant effect on the ability to process more recent trauma. I hope so for your sake. But I believe you should hold tight to the positive feelings you have now and cherish them, while allowing yourself to feel any negative emotions that may cycle back. I truly think the rollercoaster effect is an apt analogy.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2929 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.