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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: So, So Confused
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Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Trombone

Everyone has said it. I know it's scary but you need to stand up for yourself.

At present you are sharing your WW (Wayward Wife) with others. Is that what you really want - to live the rest of your days like that??

You tell her you will no longer put up with her shit. That she has to decide what she wants the M or her OM. Right there and then she must make her decision. Do not give her a time frame to make up her mind. Let her make a decision and act on it. If she chooses OM, tell her to pack her bags and get the fuck out

Do this please. Demand your rights. Giving her "time" will get you nowhere.

When I confronted my FWH (Former Wayward Husband - he has earnt the "former" title by staying faithful for the last 2.5 years) I had found out in the previous 2 weeks that he had been screwing three OWs (Other Women) for the previous 16+ years. One for 8 years. I had no idea.

I was scared silly.

But the night I confronted him I said Choose me or fuck off. Your whores may be prepared to share you with me but I will never share my man with another woman.

I didn't realise how much I meant it until I said it.

I would rather be alone than stay with a man who would not commit 100% exclusively to me.



Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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Member # 37465
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know just how deeply you are hurting. I'm right there with you. So, I hate to be so blunt but you need to hear this loud and clear.
If you have any hope of saving your marriage STOP what you are doing. It will NOT work and will very likely make things worse.

I say this from experience. I did not find this place until nearly 16 months of doing exactly what you are doing.
During that time I knew something was wrong in my marriage, I had no idea it was an A. After discovery, I found these wonderful people on this site, but still thought my situation was different than theirs. I thought that somehow I could love or reason her back. IT DOES NOT WORK! Quit loving her! (at least let her think you have) Let her lose the security of that love. She's feeding on it and using it against you.
I was looking for a magic bullet and suspect you are to. There isn't one. I regret not having known this earlier, it may have saved my marriage.

Do a Hard 180 brother!

Posts: 91 | Registered: Nov 2012
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Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update #1 - I want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement to me. It is clear that I have found the right community. Since my last post, the following has happened:

*My wife and I came to an agreement on things we would do, be and share to one another, with each asking and sharing what they most wanted and needed at this time. I felt very good about the arrangement;

*Within 24 hours, my wife had broken every aspect of the agreement by going and seeing this man again, and going off by themselves late at night;

*I had started pieces of the 180, and am now moving quickly into it. And whether it was the latest episode, this support group, or some of each, this "working far harder than she is" has come to a SCREACHING halt;

*But the latest episode has still brought about a brand new round of pain. But instead of despair, I have decided it is time to, at least emotionally, move on in life.

*Because of my profession, I cannot, without a lot of work and guidance, file for divorce. But I have told her that it remains an option - and now more than ever. And yes, I have now consulted with an attorney about my rights and standing.

*She remains in the household for now. But I am just going to use as much of the 180 as I can and see where it goes from here.

Thanks again to all. I will keep you posted.

A warm greeting to you.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Georgia
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Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what can one do where a spouse may finally "GET IT"?

She has to do that work. All you can do in your circumstances is to protect yourself, emotionally, financially, physically, and socially.

That is why putting in place good boundaries is important.

She will either stop, work to save what she had, or continue and burn it all to the ground.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
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Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Trombone))) you're doing good!! It's so hard. Stay strong...I'm pulling for you!!

BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 1011 | Registered: Apr 2011
Heavy Sigh
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Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are in politics, people forgive divorces.

If you are in the clergy, then I guess it depends on your denomination/faith.

Although I doubt the OM wants her except as a bit on the side - or she would already have left - it's possible she will leave anyhow. I'm also concerned that her behavior could push you to despair or worse, since you're having to watch her do this.

So if you are in the clergy or whatever, you need to get that process of counseling etc going right now.

Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
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Member # 37565
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I once again want to thank everyone for their posts and support, especially during the time of my initial post just over a month ago.

Sadly, this will not have a good ending. I was following through on the "HARD 180" so many of you suggested, even taking steps to implement new parts of it each week.

But even though affair #1 has ended, my wife is now getting ready to move in with a different co-worker.

While one part of me shakes my head at this new development (and I won't lie - it hurts, as I thought things were starting to look up), the other side of me finally understands what I am really up against here.

Both of her two daughters have essentially disowned her. But like so many that do stuff like this, right now she doesn't even care.

I have consulted with an attorney, and he will be working to serve papers by the end of the week.

It is a sad ending for what could have been a DAMN GOOD marriage. But it takes two, and the other one is so flighty that there is nothing left to grasp onto.

But because of your advice, I am moving forward. I start a new career just after the 1st of the year - am moving out-of-state, and looking forward to where life is now going to lead me.

Thanks again to everyone. I only wish that more of these stories had happier endings.

A warm greeting to you.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Georgia
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Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the update tbone.

I only wish that more of these stories had happier endings.

The ending to your story is not yet penned, only the introduction. Write a good ending for you and your DDs.

FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I felt I owed my friends who supported me during an extremely tough Fall another update. I have not posted since the day after Christmas.

The next day after I posted was my wedding anniversary, but it was the only time my attorney could meet with me. I let my WS know that I had her to thank for spending my anniversary that way.

I also knew that my existence, as it was, could not continue. based on all that had happened. So besides talking to an attorney, I resigned my post (yes I am in the clergy), and moved to another state near where I had originally (back in October) found some solid counselors. I moved in mid-January and signed a lease shortly thereafter.

In mid-March, I got a knock on my door one afternoon, and without warning, it was my WS - with her car and all of her belongings. She asked to move in with me and promised that she brought nothing and no one with her from the past.

I laid some conditions on her, including attending JOINT counseling, a willingness for me to check her phone anytime I wish, and being allowed to work through the steps of restoration for someone put through absolute hell.

While she still has trouble ever talking about such things, I learned that the steps I took (thanks to you folks) lifted the "affair fog" from her. In its place was put a guilt any normal person should feel, and which should have kept her from ever doing something like that, but which she had evaded - at least for awhile.

I found out later that members of her own family - a family that itself was rife with a history of affairs - had found out about what she did and had virtually crucified her, as they looked up to her as having the only good relationship of any of them.

My daughters still won't talk to her - in fact, since I agreed to "take her back", now they won't talk to me.

But the affair, all contact, and the "mid-life crisis" crap that seemed to have accompanied it is over.

This would have a happier ending except that I have been unable to find any kind of gainful employment, inside or outside of my field. But I volunteer, have built a circle of friends I never previously had, stay physically active, go to concerts, watch sunsets, cook, clean and live.

Although our marriage was never fully dissolved, my WS has now proposed to me and wants a marriage ceremony sometime this coming Fall. We'll see.

Again, thanks to all of you - I could not have gotten to this point without all of you.

A warm greeting to you.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Georgia
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Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Trombone,

I'm only about three months out from d-day. I'm happy to hear that you're going for joint counseling. It's helped me tremendously and I don't think reconciliation is likely without it. I also strongly suggest individual counseling. It's helped me.

As far as a "happy ending," I'm sure you know, too, that it's far from over. There's a lot of work to be done and happy ending that includes reconciliation and your daughters is possible.

I wish you all the best. Stay strong and keep posting here.

Once again, the best thing that's working for me that I recommend to others is joint and individual counseling. Both are important.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
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Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason I moved where I did is because I had found a fantastic (individual) counselor back in the Fall. I knew that whether or not I would ever have marriage or reconciliation counseling, individual counseling was essential. And it has continued (and helped) to this day.

Yes, the story is far from over. But hopefully the next chapters won't contain so much pain.

A warm greeting to you.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Georgia
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Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The posts that talk about changing how you interact with your W are right, unfortunately. I will share something I only learned very recently-that whenever I did as you are, ExH was filling with even more resentment towards me. I was pushing him further away, if it was possible.
But I was so stuck in my own mind, as he was/is in his, that I couldn't see or feel that happening.

You seem like I was, where I didn't really live for myself, I lived for the M and the life I had within it. I was/am a stay at home mom, the proverbial house wife with dinner always on the table and routines and schedules. He made up my world as did our daughter and so it's been like I had to grow new organs to learn to 180 and all that goes with it.

One thing that really helped me was to realize that he-and probably your wife-are very far gone into their own minds. They are not thinking about the people they betrayed, while we are trying to hold onto the lives we had and don't want destroyed further. (I don't hold on anylonger but as a betrayed person we do in the beginning).

Once you can grasp that she is kind of living in her own universe-I say to myself that my ex husband is on his own planet where he's the governor, chief of police, principal-where he is ruler and nothing else mattes-this helps me in great amounts to be able to see that I was not accompishing anything good.

He's happily gone to the "other side" and lived with the other woman for a long time while we suffer and your wife has been doing who knows what while you suffer. As you move through stages in your discoveries and thought processes, chances are good that anger will come and it's a good motivator. For if your wife sees you with pity or an emotional wreck, chances are good she will get annoyed, though it's hard to imagine.

Something else that helped me to realize is that all the while I was being the loving wife, my husband was off completely detatched from me and the life we made for 20 years, searching for...other things. Maybe this will help, to realize that you and she are not currently on the same page and as long as she's set on "other things", you could drive yourself bonkers wanting to fix the marriage, while she has no intention.

I'm sorry to be so long and hope am not too shocking, but this is some advice I've gotten or things I had to learn also.

One other important thing-interaction with the other guy probably will only result in more hurt for you and talking to her about the other guy could just anger her, as I had happen. She sounds similar to my ex husband, who has no remorse or guilt and is enjoying his lala land while his family suffers.

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2291 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
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Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your post, Ashland13.

Even back in the Fall, when we first started attending (then separate) counseling, my wife admitted that she had never pondered the thoughts or feelings of anyone else. She even told me (when we were still sleeping [and only sleeping] together, that she saw me asleep one night and wondered how strange it felt to actually wonder how I might be feeling.

Obviously, at least in the short-term, it didn't help. But it did tell me that she has a conscience there somewhere.

You have to understand - she was the one that, amongst all her siblings, tried to make the right choices as a younger woman. Through the years, she has often told me of the steps she has taken to avoid even the possibilities of impropriety. It was what made this even more devastating.

But while there are those who go through a mid-life-type crisis and never come out of it, her feelings and her expression of guilt tell me that there is some hope.

Still, I've been blind-sided by the things she has done often enough so as to put as much into place as possible to make sure it doesn't happen again.

If there is growing resentment in her, she is as free to leave and go back to her own life as I first intended back at the turn of the year. There is the side of me that is remaining somewhere between cautious and convinced that it may still be just a matter of time.

But there must be something operating inside the head of someone who gave up two good jobs, an established social circle, and many things she does not now have to come down here unannounced and ask to move in with me.

Again, I am not her, but by the time we got to the end of January, in my mind, it would have been much easier, based on what she had done up to then, to just stay with this man, sign the divorce papers, and put this episode behind both of us. The fact that SHE is the one who chose to do that (without my beckoning, encouragement, or even suggestion) is worthy of at least allowing the string to play out - if only for awhile.

A warm greeting to you.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Georgia
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Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I wish you well. As a BH, I realized I centered my world and worth around my FWW and that is why the betrayal hurt so much. The good news is that once I suffered in the dark valley alone I starting centering my life around God and my joy returned. My wife is back but in second place now where she belongs. Our marriage is life-giving and we work some ministries together but I have set my boundaries and wouldn't hesitate to leave at the first offense.

Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jan 2009
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