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User Topic: Any BS regret divorcing?
♀ New Member
Member # 36527
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh how much I want to be where all of you are! I am in a terrible place right now and I wish I knew there are better places in my future.

Me - BW 47
Him - WH 47
2 kids in college
d/day July 2012

When you're going through hell - keep going.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Virginia
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still sad about it (only a few months out from DDay and the papers were just filed with the court today) but no, I do not regret it. When she was unhappy, she treated me terribly and there was nothing I could do until she snapped out of it (some sort of seasonal depression, I believe) and she is a serial cheater.

I do, however, regret not filing right after DDay and letting the chips fall where they may. I was a mess and terrified of the prospect of life without her. Now I'm looking forward to the divorce being finalized (60 days!), the short sale of our house and starting my new beginning.

Posts: 1731 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I regret a lot of things about my relationship with him, but not the ultimate result of divorce. It had to be. I didn't have a choice. He was going to eat cake for as long as I let him and I couldn't live like that for very long. I held out hope for a long time that he would come to his senses father I filed, but that never happened.

Looking back, i would never ever want to have coffee with him again, let alone rebuild any sort of relationship. He disguised himself very well. He looked like a man, spoke like one, and acted like one. But he's no man. Men kill and die for their families. Men have integrity and compassion. Men don't purposely destroy others for their own personal gain. Men dont steal the family money to fuel self destructive habits like gambling and affairs. And, real men don't leave their children to cry at night and wonder why dad didn't want to live with them anymore.

So, do I regret divorcing that pseudo man who turned out to be nothing but a lying, cheating, conflict avoidant sack of shit? Nope.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2838 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ New Member
Member # 39113
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BH. I have gone through this very old thread as part of my own research as I am currently struggling with R. Out of curiosity, I observe that most posting here are divorced BW's It would be great to hear accounts of divorced BH's, just to get their perspective.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorcing was and remains an emotional and financial disaster.

The only thing worse would have been pretending I had a wife and mother to our children.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have zero regret for asking for, pursuing, and completing the divorce. If anything, I wish I had done it earlier. I am happier, much less stressed out, and genuinely more fulfilled in life in general. I hadn't realized how much my ex drained me - he was an added burden, not a partner. I managed the household, worked, and couldn't rely on him for anyything. I constantly stressed over what he would say/do next, if he was cheating again (probably), and dealing with his insane family.

People who didn't even know my ex comment on how great I look these days - that my confidence is palpable.

I did try to save the marriage, I had some doubts in the process, but now I know it was 100% the right decision.

DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid

Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely not.

I wish I would have known how fulfilling and rich life could be without XH.

My only regret is staying in the marriage as long as I did.

Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.

Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
♀ Member
Member # 41837
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. Although not divorced yet, I don't regret filing. I do however regret taking 17 months to get there. Wished I would have done it right after Dday.

I just didn't want accept it was a dealbreaker for me. I finally believe him for who he truly is. Lyer, cheater, drug addict, manipulator, boy stuck in a man's body. A very, very broken man. He is a train wreck. And things would never be the same.

Me- BS 44 Always faithfull
Him- WS 44
2 mo. EA/PA with 25 yr. old slut that stroked his ego, online profiles, CL ads
Married 8 years-No kids together
False R many different times fromJan/13 till Dec/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern Indiana
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No all. I am 100% confident it was the right decision. She had no remorse. As it is often said here, no remorse means no R. Interestingly, the advice also given here so often - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." ...turned out to be good advice, because two years post divorce, she still has no remorse and continues to rationalize her choice to betray me as being justified.

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being sad about it because you're grieving, and having regrets are two different things.

I grieve. A lot. But I know it's the right decision, because WW is not coming to her senses.

I can forgive the thief without letting her back into my house. The consequences of what she did are divorce, so I'm going through the motions. Fairly, sadly and without emotion. The anger is gone. The sadness remains.

I keep a relationship with my children. I see them half the time. If I had lost them, I would regret that. But I didn't. I'll continue to care for them, and I'll never lose contact with them. The "absent daddy issues" of the women of this family stops this generation, thank you very much.

If she changes I'm open to reconciliation. But she would have to do everything I asked her to do from day one. She never has been committed to recovery. I believe hers was one of those "exit affairs". Deluded, conflict-avoidant, she did what she knew I couldn't forgive, because she had it too good to justify being unhappy. Now she's unhappy anyway, without me. Until she fixes that, she'll never be ready to recover. And she'd have to fix all that before I find someone else to share my life with - I won't rush it, but I'm not waiting on her account. So it would take a miracle.

On my end, I know I made the right decision. I keep my dignity, and give a good example to my children, which they don't understand now but they will eventually. I'm a much better man and father than the basket case I'd be if I was putting up with that kind of behavior. And I see myself having a full emotional recovery. I feel less horrible every day, bit by bit. My future is bright, and I'm looking forward to it.

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not at all. At the time I would have given anything to be able and try to R, in my situation I never had the opportunity to try.I know now (mainly from all the knowledge I have gained from SI)that xww in all likelihood could not have made the changes she needed to. At best I would have sentenced myself to a life of doubt. Not a good way to live!

Now that I have moved on I have met someone that is just so much more giving than I had ever experienced.

Life is good!


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!

Posts: 261 | Registered: Sep 2012
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorced BH here too. My D was final only a few weeks ago although I S from XW more than 2.5 years ago.

Life is more complicated, busier and in lots of ways harder than before. I miss having my family around me. I hate the hurt it caused and still causes my kids, and others around me.

I don't regret completing the D. I am sad that it came to this, but I was left with no choice. WXW chose OM. Pure and simple. The final irony is that the D completed three months after the end of her relationship with him.

So now I rebuild my life. Much of that is exciting, and some of it scary, and I am really still feeling my way. I like being in charge of myself again though.


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH was emotionally abusive. I am grateful every day that I am free- that I no loner walk on eggshells in order to please someone who had me convinced that I was shit because HE could never be happy.

Being cheated on after years of abuse may have felt at first like adding insult to injury, but the truth is if he had not gotten bored of me and moved onto someone else, I might still be his victim.

All I can add to that is also being verbally and mentally abused in my case. Now I know which one of us was always the pos. I only regret that I didn't question more and think more of me. I might have been the one to file and the grounds would have been, "Adultery".

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
♀ Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I don't come to regret filing for D. Sometimes I feel a little worried and guilty that I didn't even try, but I just did not have the stomach to put in the work that I knew would be needed. I feel like maybe I'm not a forgiving enough person. Some days I feel completely confident I made the right choice. I guess only time will tell.

Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, Guss, you wanted more BH's.

During the process, especially the first few months, I was second-guessing myself all the time. It was during the broken time, the emotional time, the time my head KNEW I needed to divorce, but my heart kept dragging me backwards.

Now? With all the perspective I've gained, I am thrilled I listened to my head and not my heart.

You mention struggling with R. My decision that D was the right course is not YOUR decision. Only you can make that.

Likewise, your decision to D or not is separate from your WS's actions.

On SI, it is often said that R can only happen if the WS heals, does the work, commits to the marriage, etc. But even then, the A is still a dealbreaker for some BS's.

And that's ok. It's your life to live, and you need to live it on your terms.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5181 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
♀ Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 306 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
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Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only regret that I hung on to the M for so long.

There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1665 | Registered: Mar 2004
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hellllll no!

Although a divorce was the absolute last thing I ever wanted.. I seriously hung on to the broken marriage with a death grip... I can say with 100% honesty that I am so so happy being divorced!

I am free from his selfish behaviors (silent treatment, inability to share emotions with me, no interest in things that I enjoyed, always all about his needs/wants).

I am in a much better place financially. I own a cute home in the same neighborhood we were in as a family, so my children are happy and didn't need to change schools or friends. My house is just perfect for us. I got my dream job and love what I do every single day!

I am so much better emotionally!! I have met the most adorable, generous, kind man. He so also a BS, and understands my feelings and worries. We have a deep and intimate emotional connection that I never ever had with the Dooosh. It is amazing, and SO and I both say how "lucky" we are to have had this happen to us-- because we found each other as a result.

I am so much better physically! I feel happy, and it shows. My friends are always telling me how happy I look, how pretty I look, that my overall self just seems to be great!

So, hell no.. No regrets. He did me a favor being a doosh. I never would have left him if he had not killed our marriage by cheating. I am free to live the happy and fulfilled life I was meant to!

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say how encouraging this is to read. If you asked on the general board of those BS's who stayed, I'm betting more than half would say they regret it. I could be wrong but I doubt it.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that he is a coward and too lazy to do the hard work on himself. I'm sorry that he is a morally bankrupt POS.
He was supposed to be served the change from LS to D papers today, but he is avoiding service...who the hell knows why when he insisted I made him miserable almost our entire M and he wants a D.
I'm sorry I ever married his ass. I am still grieving the death of MY M...he was in a different M, obviously.
But regret filing....nope!

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2326 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
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