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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Ten Things I Wish I Knew Before Filing For D
surviving101
♂ Member
Member # 33181
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ten Things I Wish I knew Before Filing for D

1.- I wish I knew things were going to get worse before they were going to get better. That way I would not be surprised at the craziness triggered by WS being served. Things did get better but it took a while. D is not a miracle cure but eventually it heals.

2.- I wish I knew that EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT AT THE END. At the beginning of the process everything seemed so chaotic. At the end I can't remember the reason I was so afraid in the first place.

3.- I wish I knew that this DIVORCE was MY SOLUTION... It was the right thing and the right time to do it. Somehow I felt guilty because I was filing... it turned out to be a blessing in disguise for my kids and me.

4.- I wish I knew that the kids were going to be able to survive this. I was always afraid for my kids and they turned out to be so resilient.

5.- I wish I knew that the FEAR I was feeling was all an illusion. WW was not able to destroy me emotionally. I just thought she was able to emotionally harm me, but it turned out she never had the power in the first place.

6.- I wish I knew that as soon as I "let go" of the situation, then the situation was going to let go of me. My worrying did not make me any good. You need to prepare with you lawyer and court and everything... but at some point you just have to let go. (FYI: This proved to be extremely difficult for me)

7.- I wish I knew what a very wise SIer posted in the forum "Divorce is WAR". It will get very nasty, believe me. You have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

8.- I wish I knew that I come first. I neglected my health and my spirit during the D process. I thought I came second. I was wrong.

9.- I wish I knew to prepare for rain... You will get that D eventually. Start planning your new life. Start visualizing what you want your life to be after the D.

10.- I wish I could have ENJOYED (you heard correctly!) my D process as a rite of passage... I should have treasured it as a ceremony for my well-being. It turned out to be one of the things that I am most proud about. I FINALLY TOOK A STAND FOR MYSELF.


"I don't want to spoil the rest of your movie... but at the end everything will be all right."

Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2011
Cookie7088
♀ Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is awesome! And very true...

I remember filing for divorce. I felt like a failure....

And one of my best friends had to point out, "You would have been a failure, if you hadn't."

The light bulb finally went on...I stood up for myself and my beliefs...I followed through with what I said I would...

And divorce -- it's not a stigma....everyone's doing it now-a-days!

For those going through it, you will survive it...and probably be a darn better person for it!


Posts: 667 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
NikkiG
♀ Member
Member # 36343
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post, thanks for sharing


Me 26
Stbxwh 30
Together 8 years
We have a 3 1/2 and a 1 1/2 year old boys and a baby boy who born Nov 17, 2012.
DDay July 16/2012
Husband tried R for 2 1/2 weeks then decided to move out and asked for a divorce. He is now living with OW

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post surviving101!! Thank you so much for sharing!! I hope others will be able to add to your list. It will be such valuable advice for the ones who are waaaay in the beginning of the divorce process.

My 2 cents (I am in the beginning of the process ... I have just dropped off my declaration for temporary sole legal and physical custody)

1. Post and read in this forum!! I have gotten so much insight, advice and support.

2. Get an attorney! I did get one but didn't think I would really "need" him. Boy, was I wrong!! Things can go from "normal" to "what the fuck" in minutes.

3. Document everything.

4. Protect your bank accounts.

Only four things so far but I'm sure when I am done with the divorce, I can list 1,000!!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2233 | Registered: Oct 2012
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo surviving101!

I know it took a lot of pain, suffering, and fear for you to get where you are now (and I am sorry you suffered) but you have not only survived you have grown in strength and wisdom.

You made so many good points when one is struggling along this path, but I especially liked these:

5.- I wish I knew that the FEAR I was feeling was all an illusion. WW was not able to destroy me emotionally. I just thought she was able to emotionally harm me, but it turned out she never had the power in the first place.

6.- I wish I knew that as soon as I "let go" of the situation, then the situation was going to let go of me. My worrying did not make me any good. You need to prepare with you lawyer and court and everything... but at some point you just have to let go. (FYI: This proved to be extremely difficult for me)

8.- I wish I knew that I come first. I neglected my health and my spirit during the D process. I thought I came second. I was wrong.

10.- I wish I could have ENJOYED (you heard correctly!) my D process as a rite of passage... I should have treasured it as a ceremony for my well-being. It turned out to be one of the things that I am most proud about. I FINALLY TOOK A STAND FOR MYSELF.

I am so proud of you! Continued blessings to you and your children!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9728 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
surviving101
♂ Member
Member # 33181
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crushed1: You have always been a source of great comfort in this chaotic experience, for that I will be eternally thankful.


"I don't want to spoil the rest of your movie... but at the end everything will be all right."

Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2011
dov46
♀ Member
Member # 29283
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5.- I wish I knew that the FEAR I was feeling was all an illusion. WW was not able to destroy me emotionally. I just thought she was able to emotionally harm me, but it turned out she never had the power in the first place.
6.- I wish I knew that as soon as I "let go" of the situation, then the situation was going to let go of me. My worrying did not make me any good. You need to prepare with you lawyer and court and everything... but at some point you just have to let go. (FYI: This proved to be extremely difficult for me)

8.- I wish I knew that I come first. I neglected my health and my spirit during the D process. I thought I came second. I was wrong.

10.- I wish I could have ENJOYED (you heard correctly!) my D process as a rite of passage... I should have treasured it as a ceremony for my well-being. It turned out to be one of the things that I am most proud about. I FINALLY TOOK A STAND FOR MYSELF.

Amen....I agree w/all of these...I'm so damned proud of myself...and I am so at peace. No one would have been able to tell me this 4 years ago when I started on the infertility merry-go-round....but it's true!!!!! I've come a long way Baby....and so have all of you!!!!!!


ME:BS (46)
HIM:WH (37)
Husband caught in EA/PA 1/09. Filed for Divorce 2/09.
Reconciled 3/09....remains rocky!
Dday #2?-1/23/12
Divorced 6/26/12
It's the friends you can call up at 4:00 a.m. that matter....Marlene Dietrich

Posts: 156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From:
surviving101
♂ Member
Member # 33181
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember that You come first.


"I don't want to spoil the rest of your movie... but at the end everything will be all right."

Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen brother!


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Point 10: Very insightful. Hadn;t thought of it that way biut certainly true. Like getting your degree so you can practice in your new field (life)


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi surviving, long time no see! How are you and the kiddies doing? I hope you are not experiencing any further crazy from XWW.

Thanks for sharing these thoughts with everyone here, I'm sure we could all use the insight of your perspective.

((((surviving & kids))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2595 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember that You come first.

Damn Straight!!!

S101!!!! How the hell are you?


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting!!! I'm preparing myself for a D, so your list is great for me right now!


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for posting this.
I am just at the start of the process...getting all the lawyer paper work is so emotionally draining I am sometimes wondering if it is worth it....this helps!


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2964 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I needed to hear this tonight.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent post.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4562 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Pinkyxo
♀ New Member
Member # 43095
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Surviving 101. I so needed this...
I'm stuck :(


One foot in front of the other

Posts: 30 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Florida :)
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderful post. I am in the thick of it right now. Had my mediation nearly three weeks ago and waiting for the attorneys to tied up the loose ends.

For me, it was critical that I find an attorney who I felt had my back and was going to fight for me. I went through 2 attorneys before I found the attorney who is handling my divorce.

I have no idea what my life is going to look like now. So many changes ahead of me - will be graduating from school this summer, have to sell my house and move, find a job and continue to relish and enjoy MY freedom and MY life.

Divorce was my solution to his infidelity. I am finding myself.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 18

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