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OM and the kids
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My WW and I are divorcing and have been separated now for 3 months. Dday was 8/22. Over thanksgiving she introduced the kids to the OM. And then a few days ago he was there with her and the kids and even spent the night.
The kids seem ok with it. I had them tonight and they called her. Asked WW if he was still there. And when he was coming back.
I don't know why, but its one thing to go thru the whole shock of the affair, divorce, but now I feel like she is trying to replace me as their father....and of course he is playing all nicey nice with the kids to woo them over. My WW wants to marry him ASAP and then move out of state with the kids to live with him.... of course I'm fighting it but she can still live wherever she wants and then we get to horse trade kids thru airports the next 10 yrs.
Anybody else have anxiety over being replaced not only as a spouse, but a parent?
[This message edited by Frasierkev at 10:09 PM, December 9th (Sunday)]
I'll repeat to you what I read here that's usually offered to the Betrayed Mother's on this board: Your children know who their father is. They will not forget you are their father and you came first.
I hope you have a good lawyer & and fight your WW for custody. Personally I think it's outrageous that she's thinking she gets to take them away from you & live happily ever after.
No personal experience here, but I've seen families where a "replacement parent" was attempted, and it's never ever the same.
They will love and respect and know you for who you are. You are their father no matter what.
No way will any OM replace you as their father. She is living a dream if she thinks that can happen! Your children will know who Dad really is no matter who she is with.
My mom M her final OM the day the D was final. We were living with them before that. She tried to get us to call him dad. The closest we got was Dad Jim. Eventually it just became Jim.
My dad was an alcoholic. Spanked with a belt. I can't remember OM ever doing that.
He was still never my dad. After less than two years I chose to live with my dad. My siblings likely would have too except they were so afraid of losing mom's love. I never had it so it was easier for me.
Even when we had half siblings, none of us ever considered him our father. In fact, my half brother went through a period of time when he pretended our dad was his.
Part of the fantasy by FW had was that OM would simply replace me in her life - with her family, friends and our children.
Its nearly 4 1/2 years later and our kids, her family and friends are having none of it.
Study after study concludes that having paramours around, especially immediately after separation is no good for children.
Go for full residential custody. Do it for your chldren.
Another issue I see coming down the tracks and a mile away is discipline. All 3 kids are under 10 and well they act up every once in a while. And there are time outs or something gets taken away for a period. I'm sure the OM will steer clear for a while and just let WW handle. Then I can just see my kids complaining how I'm not as nice as the OM which may earn him more stats in their eyes. I don't know.
Step families are HARD. Your children will not just naturally fall into your WW's plans. Her OM will likely step back during discipline, but that won't make his relationship with them special, it will make him distant and awkward. There will be some sort of honeymoon phase where they are all on their best behavior, but that will fall away. You will not fall away.
He will not discipline because it is NOT his place, because he is NOT their REAL dad.
The only way he could ever become more important to them than you is if you let them disappear out of your life.
I wasn't an OM, just the guy my XW, current Domestic Partner, married after her first divorce. My step daughter and I are close, very close. Taught her to tie her shoes, how to ride a bicycle, how to do a quadratic equation. I will be her driving instructor in about a year. It was hard, though, and I promised her dad I would never physically punish her, and I had to promise her that I had no intentions of replacing her dad. During the A she and I clung to each other for dear life, and she was literally my only emotional support at the age of 12.
Thankfully it never came to pass, but during our separation, WW had intentions of marrying the POSOM, and tried to normalize relations between him and my SD. She was having none of it. Wouldn't even shake his hand. My heroine.
My son would have been easy prey. Glad it never came to that, because any psychiatrist worth a crap could have diagnosed POSOM as having Antisocial Personality Disorder. I've never been in the same room as him, but I'm told his complete lack of empathy is as plain as the nose on his face.
I worry about this :( I have told my dd that God only gave her one Mommy, and that she is only supposed to call me Mommy. No other lady will be Mommy. She is only 4, so we will see how that plays out. I am not ready for her to refer to another woman as Mom though
This guy is not going to take your place. I also don't see how she can just move out of state with your kids. I'd love to move out if state with my kids, but I can't because of custody. My attorney said if have to leave my kids behind if I wanted to move. I think your STBX will have to do the same thing.
It's maybe a little easier when the kids are older and understand things better. My kids have told me that I am their dad and OM is just Chickenshit (my name for him, not theirs).
Don't sweat it. Your kids KNOW who Dad truly is. My XWW moved out and announced her boyfriend to the world. She officially introdcued the kids to him a month or so later and they "hang" out. I don't care what he does to or with XWW but as long as he continues to treat my kids well I have no problems with him. I have 50/50 physical and legal custody so neither of us can pick up and move without the consent of the other. Make sure you notify your L of yoru WW's intentions. If you have it in writing, email, or text then show that to your L as well. Have them file whatever they need to file to keep her from moving out of state without your permission. You could of course always offer to have sole custody of the kids and she can go live on the moon if she wants with OM. Make it known that you want custody with your lawyer and you are not okay with her taking the kids out of state.
Also when the kids are with you keep YOUR rules in place. Yes, they will prefer disney Mom initially but over time they will respect the consistency you provide. My house is my kids safe haven. They never have to worry about another person randomly walking around the house. They can watch what they want on tv when they are allowed to watch tv. If/When I date it will be during the 2 weeks out of the month that I do not have my kids. My time with them is my time with them. Nothing has changed at my house. They have the same bed time every night which does not happen at XWW's house. Kids need the discipline, routine, and repetition even if they don't realize it. It's simple, at your house it's your rules and at Mom's house they follow her rules.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:53 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]
The only way that she would be able to move and take the kids out of state would be if you agree to it. She can't just do it. Do NOT agree to it.
If she wants to move, she is free to go, but the kids stay with you.
This is one of the toughest things I'm going through as well. XW moved in with her POS months before divorce was final, and my kids' unhappiness immediately spiked up.
And he truly is, unsurprisingly, a POS. No kids of his own, lives in a small bachelor pad. Yells at my kids, tells them to shut their mouths (no excessive noise at his community permitted; it's not family-friendly and my kids are normal boisterous bickering 7 and 10 year olds).
They repeatedly beg their mother to move, "just the three of them," but she showers them with gifts until they shut up and behave for the few days they are with her. She tells my kids that POS is "in charge." They are frequently in Time Out or punished in some way.
Sadder than his treatment of them is the fact that XW permits it. This was never our world when we were a family. "Shut up" specifically was verboten. My children are gentle souls, and highly sensitive. My little girl wets the bed every night, and my son is torn between love for his mother and confusion at her behaviors.
That XW subjects them to this is greatly distressing to me. She has changed so much--but then again, not at all. Whenever the going got tough with them, she would always ask me to take over and handle them, and I would--with understanding and love (but of course discipline when called for). They were happy. Now they are in therapy, on anti-anxiety meds, their schoolwork is suffering...
I know she is trying to replace me and I know (and my kids know) that this can never be. But it hurts, badly. All I can do is continue to be their safe place.
What can I say: this shit sucks. Strength to us all.
I thought there was a Supreme Court case that the custodial parent CAN move with notice to the other parent.
Make sure you get in your D papers that the receiving parent is responsible for paying for that part of the trip.
My atty told me I could move after the D was final, but that XWH and OW would get every school break and most of the Summer for visitation, is that an option for you?
I wonder if you can try to get primary custody so they won't leave w your children.
Your children will always love you most and first and know you are their Dad, especially if you see them as often as you are allowed. I am sure they don't want to move away from you.
That said, if it looks like it's a possiblity, you might want to do what my parents do,... They have 1 charge card hooked thru an airlines. Every purchase every elect, water bill is paid on that card and paid off immediately (write check to cc when arriving home). The miles are racking up on this card. If you did this beginning now, it's possible you could have enough points to see them every other weekend in their new town.
Lastly, can you relocate to be closer to them?
How is the custody thing going? This has got to be so difficult for you.
My mom M her final OM the day the D papers came through. Then moved us from CA to AK.
I am so close to my dad now. In fact, even then, I chose to live with him about a year later.
Even the kids that stayed with mom have nothing to do with the OM these days. Not even the kids my mom had with him.
The sickness in the WPs shows. Be the antidote for your kids. Fight for them if you need to. It will pay off in the long run.
ETA- oops...I answered this nearly 2 yrs ago! Holy Old Thread Batman!
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 6:29 PM, November 25th (Tuesday)]
My xh married ow soon after our divorce, a few months living together. Did they try to replace me? Yes! They suggested my kids call her mom, etc. They didn't like it and to this day (11 years later) tolerate or ignore her.
I have been the consistent parent, they know my rules and why I have rules. The files in his house are Willy Billy and almost non existent. She is the disciplinarian like I was. He's to lazy to discipline on a consistent basis. My kids know that.
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