I want to ask him questions about the affair and get his story so that I can match it up with the answers from my WW but has anyone else ever done this and what other questions were you able to ask him or her? I know I want to ask other questions and I want all the answers I can get but not sure what else is wise to say or ask.
I also want to make sure he knows the jig is up and his activities are on my radar. If he meets me and has a decent attitude I might not send out the stack of letters to his family that I've got signed sealed.
Somebody talk me out of this if I need to be or share a similar experience maybe (?)
Be prepared for more lies, remember OM is not your friend, he does not have an obligation to be honest...he may very well be, but don't count on civil discourse. He's a cheater, too, and he will lie.
I would make the phone call first, don't be surprised if he refuses to meet you. I think your only recourse for some type of satisfaction is if you have proof he was conducting the A using company time/equipment, which would be a concern to his HR Dept.
BTW, OW was scared to death of me, knew I would not tolerate any BS, maybe that's the message you need to get across. Good luck.
[This message edited by annb at 7:38 AM, December 14th (Friday)]
Just don't do it like that.
Don't threaten to go to his work. That could backfire quickly as he'll spin the story with co-workers into you being batshit crazy and arranging for support, maybe even police, if you do show up.
If OM is married, plan the meeting and make it cordial. Like you just want to figure a few things out.
Have a nice friendly conversation (that's the hard part) then immediatley afterward out him to his wife. Make esure you have all her info and a communication line to her set up before the meeting just to make sure.
Then, out him to his employer, but only if you have proof the A was conducted on company time and with company rescources (phone, email, etc). A quick email with copies of docs would do.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:16 AM, December 14th (Friday)]
Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.
Look, these two thought it was perfectly fine to make all kinds of decisions FOR you and your marriage while they were in the affair. Decisions you had no hand in and no knowledge of.
Therefore, it's now YOU in the drivers' seat, calling the shots and making the decisions. Yup, there's a new sheriff in town.
I don't know if the OM is married or not, but I think your first gambling chip would be to calmly tell him he has a choice - he meets you at Starbucks on such and such a day and time, OR you'll bring all your proof to his wife and blow the lid off this affair.
If he's not committed to anyone and a threat to expose him to his immediate family doesn't hold any water, then your next gambling chip would be his workplace. I'd absolutely tell him that he has 2 choices - meet you OR deal with all his coworkers knowing what he's been doing.
Libel is the misrepresentation or falsfication of information about someone IN WRITING that can cause them damage. But if what you have on paper is TRUE (which it is) then it cannot be considered libel.
Because you know the little weasel will immediately threaten you that he'll sue you for libel. Tell him to look it up - it's not libel if it's true.
Let him know you've got him by the balls.
Don't show any weakness or he'll steamroll you. You simply tell him WHEN you want him to meet you and then you be sure to have the questions you want answered WRITTEN DOWN so you don't forget what it is you want to know from him. This type of thing can so easily go off track, so a nice, neat checklist will help you stay on point and accomplish what it is you're looking for.
And by all means, do NOT tell your wife your plan!!!
After you get all your answers and you're satisfied that the little puke has been honest with you, THEN I'd send the packet of proof to everyone in his family and/or his wife/girlfriend if he has one.
Remember - you're NOT obligated to keep their dirty little secret and if this weasel has a spouse, then the right thing to do would be to TELL her.
Good luck in your mission.
You will get none of that. You will get a mouth full of lies and excuses. He and your WW will create their story and stick to it, no matter what. This was my experience from conversation with OM; it was pointless and left me that much more pissed off.
He knows the "jig is up" as your WW told him as much, you confronting him is not going to give you the answers you desire. I wouldn't threaten anything (sending letters to his family), I'd just do it. Yeah, I did that too.
Sorry man, I know that feeling, you want to control the situation and understand; but you won't get what it is that you are looking for.
You can't change the past.
Stop living in it.
The OM is just as selfish and narcissistic as your WW. Unless he didn't know your WW was married chances are he'll lie or manipulate the situation. He may even have his buddies waiting in the parking lot for you. Be prepared for all contingencies and expect the worst. Have an exit plan. And even more importantly, know your emotional limits.
I can understand wanting the upper hand in the situation since OM and WW took away your sense of safety and security in your relationship. But don't put yourself in a position to potentially lose even more.
Now is the time to take care of yourself and do whats best for you.
As others have said, he'll lie. He'll also minimize or try and flip the blame to you. He's try and get a rise out of you- can you control your temper with a man who has slept with your wife? Then what? Is a criminal record worth it? Or what if he takes the first swing and breaks you? Are the medical procedures worth it?
Your focus needs to be on your WW. What is she doing (not saying, DOING) to prove she's all in for R? If nothing, then there's your answer.
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
I would advise against the face to face...to many variables. The telephone conversation, IMO, can get the point across you want to make and mitigate extracurricular activities that may not play well long term.
It seems like it will make you feel better, but it won't. It does not change a thing. Except you can create more problems where you are already maxed out.
The OM could have been anybody. Your WW is where these feelings need to be directed towards. She did lie to you, cheat on you and bring this pain into your life. Chances are a scumbag like this will probably lie to you anyway. What do you expect from a pig, but a grunt, right ?
It was her choice. Her brokenness that brought you to this point in your life. He is just one of the details.
Do not engage him. You will feel very differently about this in the future. Trust me.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
The point was that the BH will come across sounding weak and pathetic at best, and at worst might serve as a signal that the WW would still be interested.
BH says: Stay away from my wife or [insert any threat here].
OM thinks: WW can't resist me.
BH says: You have caused much misery / damage to the marriage.
OM thinks: He is weak and pathetic, no wonder his wife would stray.
BH says: How many times? Where? When? etc.
OM thinks: He doesn't know everything, I will lie.
Anyway, I cannot re-create it as cleverly or as well written as the original. Maybe someone will know what I am talking about and post a link.
The point is, you really need to examine why it is you want to contact the OM. And remember, they are very much in the fog, very much in a different place, and a different mindset. He is unlikely to empathize with your situation. And you might send the wrong message. If you are looking for control, it will just show how out of control you actually are.
Additionally, I must caution you against meeting the OM in person. I know some people do, but for me, the urge to destroy the OM was overwhelming so close to DDay. I am not certain I would have been able to mantain control. What if he says something vulgar? Close to DDay I am sure I would have murdered the OM if I met him in person and he said something about my wife. Maybe you are more sure of your self control. He is unlikely to care about the stack of letters.
If he's married, notify his BW. Maintain NC with the OM forever.
I have thought several times of meeting the OW. Immediately after DDay, I went to WH work place to meet him for lunch. I wondered if I would see her, but he made sure she was out of the office.
I have since thought about calling her, but so far I have hesitated. I can't think of anything that I want to hear from her. We are 2 months into R and the only thing I thing about contacting her for is to see if they still have any contact (I don't think they do, but obviously, the trust is still not there). I've thought about saying if you are in contact with him, send me proof and he can be yours (of course I wouldn't mean that) and it's a stupid idea.
He's not going to tell you the truth.
he meets you at Starbucks on such and such a day and time, OR you'll bring all your proof to his wife and blow the lid off this affair.
I disagree with this type of ultimatum.
Why? Because his wife should be told, no matter what.
Not a healthy idea, because you can't control what happens at that meeting.
He knows your wife was married.
She made him feel like he was the cat's meow.
He was younger and probably vulnerable to this attention.
He probably thinks a lot of things that are not true, like he's so damn sexy she just couldn't help herself and that he's hotter and more virile because of this, all of which he will realize isn't true as he gets older.
You would be talking to an unhealthy person.
If he is married, tell his wife.
If he is not married, you don't bother with him, because he isn't important, really, he just isn't. What is important is your WS's fucked up mindset.
I just found out that my Sister-In-Law, my WS's sister, is having an affair with a married man (they live out of state, long way away), and has been off and on for years, same man.
It makes her feel better, about herself, while she fucks up the world for someone else, and she sees nothing wrong with it.
It made my WS feel better, but she knows better today, and she sees the wrong. My wife hates this shit...and she did it...and she understands why she and all of her sisters cheated on their husbands, she understands why her sister has affairs with married and attached men.
Work on understanding, protect yourself, and don't look for conflict...and especially don't look for true remorse in a person who frankly doesn't know what that is.