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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Facing the OM
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple of months after Dday, while my WH was still out of the house, I borrowed a nondescript car & followed WH & OW (they work together) to a restaurant @ lunchtime. WH knew from Dday that if there was any hope of R, he had to NC, however, OW kept calling & TM him, & he kept telling me that she was crazy & he was afraid that if he 100% cut off contact, she would out him & he would lose his job. I walked into the restaurant prepared to confront the slut. The only problem was that as soon as I entered the restaurant, I saw that there was another person in there from the job, & I didn't want to endanger my WH's job, whether we stayed together or D, so I turned around & walked out without saying anything.
But I think she is a stupid, selfish unremorsful whore.
I know I should be concentrating on my self, but nothing brings me greater joy than fantasizing a horrible fate for OW. So far it hasn't happened. I pray that I will hear about it when it does.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 11:50 PM, December 14th (Friday)]

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to OW's house the day after I found out.

She was smug, she lied ....and never once cared for me or my feelings.

I am not sorry I went, she was my "friend" and I needed to see her.

Ultimately, she betrayed her family.

My husband betrayed me.

I would tell his wife, she deserves to know the lies she is living in. I would do it with compassion.

Him, pfft, he isn't worth your time or energy.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A face to face is not a good idea.
You risk losing your temper and getting involved in a physical altercation and all the potential legal ramifications that could bring.
He could sue you, he could call the police and make up charges against you.
It could jeopardize your career etc.
Do not let this guy have that much power.
If he is married contact his wife ASAP.
That will have a huge impact on him.
He will finally have consequences.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not recommend it.

Listen, the problem is your wife - not the guy. There is an endless number of guys out there who will take advantage of an insecure woman who will trade sex for fresh attention and compliments. If it wasn't this particular OM it would have been another. It is a given that he doesn't give a flying fuck about you, your pain, your children, their pain, your family, your family's destruction, or anything else except the ego stroke he gets from a married woman willing to let him use her.

The biggest risk you take in confronting the OM is that the action itself will be perceived by your WW as you and him competing FOR her - thus giving her validation for having the affair in the first place. Also, he will just spin it to her as you coming at him as a monster and validating in both his and her minds that she was justified in having the affair.

Do not EVER fight OVER a woman - even your wife. Fight to PROTECT an honest and loyal wife/SO from harm but never fight over a woman for her "love". That simply gives her mental justification for acting like a piece of shit.

The ONLY thing you should be fighting for now is YOUR well-being and YOUR CHILDREN'S well-being. Period.

Also, tell the OM wife. Don't warn him or threaten him or tell your WW about it. Just do it. She deserves to be free of her piece of shit husbands bullshit if she chooses. Right now, she doesn't have that choice as you do.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
♂ Member
Member # 30198
Flame  Posted: 8:46 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confronted the MOM, hours after discovery....I didn't want to talk....12 seconds later as his co-workers helped him get up he said "it's not what you think.." (My WW had already admitted to the PA, I am fortunate I wasn't arrested)

They will lie to protect themselves until the bitter end. If he is married then tell his betrayed wife, you will get more possible truth by corroborating stories with her than listening to the verbal diarrhea spewing from his self-protecting mouth.

Don't let the OM know what you are going to do, or he'll prepare for it, you already know he is a lying sack with no integrity. Mail your letters, let HIM be the one who is suprised this time.....then deal with your own healing, with or without your WW.

[This message edited by Betrayeddaddio at 12:24 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]

BH-42 WW-40 DD-5 DD-9 DD-11
D-Day 09/27/2010 Wayward wife had a 10 month A with married DB co-worker Separated Oct. 2013

Posts: 707 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 34226
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't say if you should or shouldn't's really your call.

I will tell you that after having many confrontations with the M-OW in my case, she lied, manipulated, and tried to play a "victim of love" and "lost soul" and yet, there was an evil electricity surrounding her... she got off on it. And I will NEVER be able to erase that little SMUG SMIRK she gave me out of my head. It left me feeling lower than ever.

HOWEVER, many times talking with HER BS revealed HONEST answers to what was going on. We regularly shared information. In the end, they are still married, and his wife is still sleeping with my now ex-husband. It's never going to be a win-win situation...

I'm sorry...

Divorced 04/12/12
I am FREE!

Posts: 641 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Was in Florida/Now in Texas
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Member # 30231
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


In a world populated by billions, there are only a handful of people who you should trust: your spouse, your family, close friends. Your wife owed you loyalty. When she decided to betray you, she betrayed you, not this nobody guy. Try not to focus on him, it will just drive you crazy. If it hadn't been him, it would have been someone else.

We like to think that there is some sort of higher moral code that people should hold themselves to, but the world doesn't seem to work that way. People are cheating on their taxes and running red lights all the time. There are a lot of selfish a**holes in the world.

Your wife's affair partner is one of them. He doesn't care about you, so don't give him any more power over you by insisting on a meeting. He will almost certainly use it to create more problems for you.

Instead, out him to his wife if he is married and give her the chance to know the truth of her marriage. Guys like this don't understand common decency, so don't count on him to do the right thing.

I actually went through something similar in my first marriage. My first wife had an A and ended up knocked up with an OC. So after our D she and her AP (who I knew prior to the A, but only as a casual acquaintance) ended up getting married and I had to interact with him for years afterward (because first wife and I had a child and I would see him while picking up and dropping off my daughter). I never had a cross word or demand for him, always smiled, never mentioned to him that I did not appreciate him having an A with my first wife. And I was taking the high road, believe me, I thought he was a total tool.

I never had to lift a finger in revenge, because he did it to himself by hooking up with a cheater, who divorced him for someone else and took him to the cleaners a few years later.

Don't worry about driving the karma bus, that thing gets around fine without your help.

[This message edited by zenhouse at 1:08 AM, December 21st (Friday)]

Me: BH-44. Her: WW-44
D-Day: 10/31/2010
Status: after almost two years of hell after
dday, we found our way to true R and just passed the third anniversary of dday with barely a notice of it.

Posts: 189 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Florida
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confronted both OW#1 and OW#2, and while I found it helpful to know what kind of people my WS was dealing with, everyone who says the OM or OW is a liar is correct. If you think seeing this person will help you, and you can control yourself, make the best choice for you. Be prepared for the OM to try to avoid the confrontation, to agree and stand you up, to show up and tell lies that are intended to damage you, your self esteem and your hope of reconciliation if there is one, to show up and tell partial truths that are intended to make him look better than he is, or to refuse to give you any information at all.

I think that having done it, I would avoid it in the future. Your problem is not with him, no matter how much it might feel like he disrepected you, or took something from you. Your problem is with your WW.

Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
♂ New Member
Member # 37648
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to dude's house after I emailed him on Facebook to tell him the jig was up.

I was actually very civil . His little kids were trying to come outside the whole time.

Dday- 11/18/12

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2012
♂ Member
Member # 37502
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally broke down and did it. Out of the blue, I called my WW's little boy-toy several nights ago. He tried to play the ignorant/innocent role for a few moments. I could tell that he, like my wife, had NO idea I would ever be able to know about him let alone his identity.
I told him I wanted to meet with him the next night at Starbucks and have a little chat. Obviously, the little coward didn't show up. But that's ok because he knows he's on my radar. Also, it wasn't a wasted trip as I got a little studying done at the cafe!
The only other step I want to take is confront him, with witnesses around and make him face me. I wouldn't ever raise a finger to him (wouldn't dare give him the upper hand in anything) or let him see that I'm vulnerable, desperate or wounded; but to just tell him how much I don't like having my family f***** with!

Me(39) - BH
Her(38) - XWW
Kids - 2
Married: 15 yrs
D-DAY: 10-23-2012
Length of A: [depends on what day you ask her]

Posts: 84 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NW Arkansas
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear @popitdaddy,
I read the entire thread with original post in December last year and in March this year you called OM.
You must done a lot of thinking.
I read your profile.
OM is 23 and I assume unmarried, in that case he has nothing much to lose, except his job.

Confrontation with OM in person will not help much and since he chickened out on meeting at Starbucks, you scored a point. He will not be willing to meet even for a adult discussion. He is behaving like a 23 year old sans responsibility. I doubt he has any idea on how much damage he is doing to a person and family. Drop a letter to his parents, or meet them.

Instead of physical confrontation, which will do less damage, try to find weaknesses which will do more damage. I'm not a violent person but I know where you stand right now and feel the pain.
Respected fellow members on SI have written letters to OM family, devastated their jobs and outed them to their friends. I did all and more.
Your WW is still in the fog. Period.
From profile it seems she felt entitled to more attention after losing weight.
I know you love her, but, running behind her at this point will not help your cause.
She must make decision, to stay or not to stay in the M. If she can't decide, then time to heal yourself with a 180.
I don't want to suggest anything harsh, but it is time to take WW on a vacation and make her do the talking as to what she wants from here on.
If D then D. If R then a sincere R.
I am saying this because in my case too OM had lost 60lbs recently, and felt entitled to screw anything and everything that moves in his path. In SI terms being the local fire engine.
If not the 23 year old, then someone else, get the drift? WW needs to know she is in a M and has to act responsibly.

By now OM would have contacted WW about your call to Starbucks and might have planned for calling quits or taking it underground.
Be careful, not to reveal your cards to WW.
Keep posting. We are here mate.

ETA : @stonger08. Loved your post man. You seem to be fun. You got to use the pen and sword. JEALOUS!!!!

[This message edited by Happydays at 5:41 AM, March 28th (Thursday)]

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happydays----check your PMs

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ Member
Member # 34512
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nobody can tell you what to do in this circumstances. All I would advise, is if you DO meet him, try to stay calm. I know, easier said than done. I would probably meet the OM as well.

Actually, if things go how i think they are going to regarding my WH & I, I will be meeting the skanky trashbag tomorrow myself. And to be truthful, I am actually scared of what I may do...

Trying to think good thoughts!

Married 19 yrs, together 22
2 kids 21/19
Feels like I am in Hell

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Canada
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just pause for a moment and think of yourself and your reconciliation.

This is a man that has loyalty to no-one but himself, and no reason in the world to protect your feelings. If he tells you in graphic details of how your wife screamed his name in orgasm, or how they lay in bed together laughing at you, or how she shook with pleasure when he held her, or how her body tasted, how exactly is this poison going to HELP your healing or your reconciliation. All it will do is breed resentment and cause YOU pain, even if the OM just makes this stuff up. At that point either you collapse with renewed emotional agony or go mental and beat him to a pulp. One outcome results in you being in increased pain and the other outcome results in you being in jail.

The OM will lie. He has every reason to lie. He has no reason to tell the truth or protect your feelings. He may also call the police and shout harrassment. It's not unknown.

Stay away from him. He's had enough input in your life. Focus on YOUR marriage. the longer you involve him the longer you make him part of your marriage.

BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice would be to not do this without a witness. When the private investigator got all the scoop for me, I contacted the H of the OW and took him with me to confront my H and his W.

"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 990 | Registered: Feb 2005
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normal desire - I had so many revenge fantasies and they always ended up with me in his face.

2 years+ on what do I think?

1. As others have said, she broke her vows to me, he and I didn't have any

2. Was he reckless, selfish etc? yes, but he was a young guy chasing ass. No experience, no context of what marriage means.

3. She undoubtedly lied to him -"it's been over for years", "he's a bully", "He's moved on and is probably seeing someone himself".. does that make it OK for him do what he did? no, but get inisde the head of a 23 year old and those justifications sound good enough to get your dick out.

4. At some point in his life, he'll understand what he contributed to and feel the shame. Or he'll be a BS.

The best revenge is absolute crickets. Not important enough, not relevant enough to you to spend a buck o five on a cup of coffee.

DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
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