[This message edited by mchercheur at 11:50 PM, December 14th (Friday)]
She was smug, she lied ....and never once cared for me or my feelings.
I am not sorry I went, she was my "friend" and I needed to see her.
Ultimately, she betrayed her family.
My husband betrayed me.
I would tell his wife, she deserves to know the lies she is living in. I would do it with compassion.
Him, pfft, he isn't worth your time or energy.
Listen, the problem is your wife - not the guy. There is an endless number of guys out there who will take advantage of an insecure woman who will trade sex for fresh attention and compliments. If it wasn't this particular OM it would have been another. It is a given that he doesn't give a flying fuck about you, your pain, your children, their pain, your family, your family's destruction, or anything else except the ego stroke he gets from a married woman willing to let him use her.
The biggest risk you take in confronting the OM is that the action itself will be perceived by your WW as you and him competing FOR her - thus giving her validation for having the affair in the first place. Also, he will just spin it to her as you coming at him as a monster and validating in both his and her minds that she was justified in having the affair.
Do not EVER fight OVER a woman - even your wife. Fight to PROTECT an honest and loyal wife/SO from harm but never fight over a woman for her "love". That simply gives her mental justification for acting like a piece of shit.
The ONLY thing you should be fighting for now is YOUR well-being and YOUR CHILDREN'S well-being. Period.
Also, tell the OM wife. Don't warn him or threaten him or tell your WW about it. Just do it. She deserves to be free of her piece of shit husbands bullshit if she chooses. Right now, she doesn't have that choice as you do.
They will lie to protect themselves until the bitter end. If he is married then tell his betrayed wife, you will get more possible truth by corroborating stories with her than listening to the verbal diarrhea spewing from his self-protecting mouth.
Don't let the OM know what you are going to do, or he'll prepare for it, you already know he is a lying sack with no integrity. Mail your letters, let HIM be the one who is suprised this time.....then deal with your own healing, with or without your WW.
[This message edited by Betrayeddaddio at 12:24 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]
I will tell you that after having many confrontations with the M-OW in my case, she lied, manipulated, and tried to play a "victim of love" and "lost soul" and yet, there was an evil electricity surrounding her... she got off on it. And I will NEVER be able to erase that little SMUG SMIRK she gave me out of my head. It left me feeling lower than ever.
HOWEVER, many times talking with HER BS revealed HONEST answers to what was going on. We regularly shared information. In the end, they are still married, and his wife is still sleeping with my now ex-husband. It's never going to be a win-win situation...
In a world populated by billions, there are only a handful of people who you should trust: your spouse, your family, close friends. Your wife owed you loyalty. When she decided to betray you, she betrayed you, not this nobody guy. Try not to focus on him, it will just drive you crazy. If it hadn't been him, it would have been someone else.
We like to think that there is some sort of higher moral code that people should hold themselves to, but the world doesn't seem to work that way. People are cheating on their taxes and running red lights all the time. There are a lot of selfish a**holes in the world.
Your wife's affair partner is one of them. He doesn't care about you, so don't give him any more power over you by insisting on a meeting. He will almost certainly use it to create more problems for you.
Instead, out him to his wife if he is married and give her the chance to know the truth of her marriage. Guys like this don't understand common decency, so don't count on him to do the right thing.
I actually went through something similar in my first marriage. My first wife had an A and ended up knocked up with an OC. So after our D she and her AP (who I knew prior to the A, but only as a casual acquaintance) ended up getting married and I had to interact with him for years afterward (because first wife and I had a child and I would see him while picking up and dropping off my daughter). I never had a cross word or demand for him, always smiled, never mentioned to him that I did not appreciate him having an A with my first wife. And I was taking the high road, believe me, I thought he was a total tool.
I never had to lift a finger in revenge, because he did it to himself by hooking up with a cheater, who divorced him for someone else and took him to the cleaners a few years later.
Don't worry about driving the karma bus, that thing gets around fine without your help.
[This message edited by zenhouse at 1:08 AM, December 21st (Friday)]
I think that having done it, I would avoid it in the future. Your problem is not with him, no matter how much it might feel like he disrepected you, or took something from you. Your problem is with your WW.
I was actually very civil . His little kids were trying to come outside the whole time.
Confrontation with OM in person will not help much and since he chickened out on meeting at Starbucks, you scored a point. He will not be willing to meet even for a adult discussion. He is behaving like a 23 year old sans responsibility. I doubt he has any idea on how much damage he is doing to a person and family. Drop a letter to his parents, or meet them.
Instead of physical confrontation, which will do less damage, try to find weaknesses which will do more damage. I'm not a violent person but I know where you stand right now and feel the pain.
Respected fellow members on SI have written letters to OM family, devastated their jobs and outed them to their friends. I did all and more.
Your WW is still in the fog. Period.
From profile it seems she felt entitled to more attention after losing weight.
I know you love her, but, running behind her at this point will not help your cause.
She must make decision, to stay or not to stay in the M. If she can't decide, then time to heal yourself with a 180.
I don't want to suggest anything harsh, but it is time to take WW on a vacation and make her do the talking as to what she wants from here on.
If D then D. If R then a sincere R.
I am saying this because in my case too OM had lost 60lbs recently, and felt entitled to screw anything and everything that moves in his path. In SI terms being the local fire engine.
If not the 23 year old, then someone else, get the drift? WW needs to know she is in a M and has to act responsibly.
By now OM would have contacted WW about your call to Starbucks and might have planned for calling quits or taking it underground.
Be careful, not to reveal your cards to WW.
Keep posting. We are here mate.
ETA : @stonger08. Loved your post man. You seem to be fun. You got to use the pen and sword. JEALOUS!!!!
[This message edited by Happydays at 5:41 AM, March 28th (Thursday)]
Actually, if things go how i think they are going to regarding my WH & I, I will be meeting the skanky trashbag tomorrow myself. And to be truthful, I am actually scared of what I may do...
Trying to think good thoughts!
This is a man that has loyalty to no-one but himself, and no reason in the world to protect your feelings. If he tells you in graphic details of how your wife screamed his name in orgasm, or how they lay in bed together laughing at you, or how she shook with pleasure when he held her, or how her body tasted, how exactly is this poison going to HELP your healing or your reconciliation. All it will do is breed resentment and cause YOU pain, even if the OM just makes this stuff up. At that point either you collapse with renewed emotional agony or go mental and beat him to a pulp. One outcome results in you being in increased pain and the other outcome results in you being in jail.
The OM will lie. He has every reason to lie. He has no reason to tell the truth or protect your feelings. He may also call the police and shout harrassment. It's not unknown.
Stay away from him. He's had enough input in your life. Focus on YOUR marriage. the longer you involve him the longer you make him part of your marriage.
2 years+ on what do I think?
1. As others have said, she broke her vows to me, he and I didn't have any
2. Was he reckless, selfish etc? yes, but he was a young guy chasing ass. No experience, no context of what marriage means.
3. She undoubtedly lied to him -"it's been over for years", "he's a bully", "He's moved on and is probably seeing someone himself".. does that make it OK for him do what he did? no, but get inisde the head of a 23 year old and those justifications sound good enough to get your dick out.
4. At some point in his life, he'll understand what he contributed to and feel the shame. Or he'll be a BS.
The best revenge is absolute crickets. Not important enough, not relevant enough to you to spend a buck o five on a cup of coffee.