Married 10 yrs
Together 11 1/2 years
I've loved him forever
4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love
I would also say are you ready with any deal breakers if she does not pass? What are your most immediate reasons for doing the poly? If it is only to see if she IS telling the truth, then you must be ready for the possibility of the other?
I think a poly is a great idea and I don't think it is too late. Many WS will come on here much later and admit that they did remember many things but just did not want to tell the BS.
Just get prepared and research it would be my advice.
A very small percentage of the population---primarily, those with antisocial tendencies (not in the sense we usually think of "antisocial," as in, "doesn't like parties," or "doesn't have lots of friends," but antisocial traits as defined by the criteria for defining antisocial personality disorder; the traits can be present without the person reaching the magnitude of being a sociopath), or strong NPD tendencies, are able to
"fool" the polygraph.
In the hands of a VERY skilled polygrapher, however, questions are rephrased in various ways so that deception is revealed. (This is also how psychiatrists are able to diagnose the disorders; the questions on the tests are rephrased a number of different ways----and differences among responses are significant.)
ANYWAY---though it is a flawed tool, it is a good tool, more often than not giving useful information.
Questions have to be carefully chosen. The polygrapher must be skilled.
If she does not remember an answer, it will not affect the results. If she says she does not remember (but really does), deception will be shown.
As for hypnosis, there's a REAL issue when it comes to getting to the truth: if the person under hypnosis WANTS the truth revealed, because, for example, s/he genuinely cannot remember and wants to know---then, yes---you may get answers.
HOWEVER---and this is very important---if a hypnotic subject does not want to reveal or do something, hypnosis will not elicit anything for which s/he has any resistance.
It's simply NOT a good method for eliciting information your wife is unwilling to give up.
I disagree with Fightingmad--18 months is not very far in (though it seems like an eternity). Rather, I disagree with his wording---that at 18 months you "feel the need" to do this.
That you do not feel confident in your wife's answers is a reflection of HER failure to bolster confidence.
At 18 months, this is not unusual.
Emptyshelldad, your profile says volumes about your pain--but says very little about what happened. Did you stumble across your wife's infidelity? How did she respond when you found out? Was NC established? (Are you sure it has been established?) You say you've asked her a slew of questions---how does she respond? Does she answer them without anger or blameshifting? Are the answers consistent? Does she show remorse, or is she just ticked she got caught?
Has she gone to IC? Have you? Are the two of you ready for MC? (If she's not really remorseful, it's not emotionally safe for the BS to go into MC, IMO.)
I guess my thoughts boil down to this: If you are not getting what you need at 18 months, it's time to examine the situation. Will answers from a polygraph give you what you need? Or do you need something MORE than the truth---like remorse, a feeling that you are safe in your marriage, etc.?
I never got answers from my husband. I never will--and because of this, I ended our marriage.
That said, the answers were only a very small portion of what I needed. Had he been remorseful, intent on repairing our marriage with me, and so on---I might have been willing to accept his glacial pace of response.
As it was, it wasn't just answers he never intended to give me.
What is your wife giving you to work with?
But if she knowingly lies, more than likely, they'll be able to detect deceit.
After almost 2 years, she's probably somewhat skewed her memories or maybe even worked hard to forget them in the past 2 years.
However, if one of your questions pertains to something she's lied to you about for the last 2 years and she KNOWS it's a lie, then she'll show deception.
I don't put much stock in hypnosis because she could too easily fake it and work it in her favor.
Stick with the poly. The funny thing about polys is that A LOT of the time, you get what's called a 'driveway confession.' That's when you're walking out to the car to drive to the polygraph appt. and they know the jig is up. Some start babbling like idiots, rather than face the humiliation of being hooked up to a machine and having a professional tell them they're lying.
Even if you GET a confession, drag her there anyway because cheaters are looking out for ONE thing - that's to save their own hides. She might admit one or two things in the driveway, but you'll still get MORE when you put her in the hot seat. So even if you do get a confession, don't stop there or you'll always be wondering.
Much like you are now, almost 2 years out from D Day.
My wife is remorseful, but I think its more about the fact that shemay have torn our family apart than it is about what she did....ie wishes she hasn't been caught and wouldn't have done it......if she knew she was going to get caught.
But my self esteem is as such that I know I'm worth more than her and the treatment she had bestowed upon me. But as a Christian I believe in forgiving, or at least I'm trying to (its hard not to feel as though the lord hath forsaken you when you are brought to bare this pain) but I can't forgive without knowing the extent of what I'm forgiving for. And by the way my forgiveness doesn't mean that I'm staying in the marriage, depending on what I find out.
Does anyone know the general costs of such a test?
Solus was spot on. Read that post again. You need to be sure what it is you are trying to find out, what you really need, and if a poly is going to give you that.
And most importantly, you need to know what you will do if the worst case scenario happens and she fails, or otherwise confirms your greatest fear. Plan ahead for that, get your ducks in a row, including all the support you will need to get through it. This is perhaps the most important step if you choose to do a poly, because you will be horrifically compromised to try to figure that all out on the fly should you need to. This I can verify from experience.
Hugs and best of luck to you. I hope you find what you need to have peace and heal.
He is now wanting to try hypnosis but after reading this thread and seeing if he wants to hold something back he can.
Good luck with what you do decide to do