Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: LadyS (45361)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Repost - Intimacy in healthy relationship
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Source "Don't call it Love" by Patrick Carns.


Six capacities are needed for intimacy to exist: Initiative, presense, completion, vulnerability, nurturing, and honesty.


Initiative :

Healthy intimacy - Calls; reach out; risks expression of care; invites others to share activities or problems; express wants and needs; takes responsibility to maintain relationship

Dysfunctional intimacy - Passive; seeks isolation; victim stance (it happens to me); belief in abandonment; seductive to avoid admitting needs or wants. Relies on others to maintain relationship.


Presense :

Healthy intimacy - Emotionally available to others; Listens and attends to others; explicit about reactions; spends time with others; notices what happens with others; accepts attention of others.

Dysfunctional intimacy - Emotionally constricted; shame makes distant and removed; deflects attention as undeserved; fails to notice what happens to others; distracted and nonattentive; evasiveness leaves others wondering who person really is.


Completion :

Healthy intimacy - Builds trust by finishing things; finalizes arrangements with others; acknowledges care and outreach so transactions are finished; works for closure on problems; responsive to other's needs and wants; express appreciation for completed efforts.

Dysfunctional intimacy - Overextention and loose ends provide sense of undependability; closure avoided; issues and problems put off and unresolved; unresponsive to other's needs and wants so they ended up feeling unheard; seldom acknowledges contribution or efforts of others, so they wonder if they had any impact; evasive about responsibilities.


Vulnerability :

Healthy intimacy - Shares process of thinking and feeling; talks about dilemmas; involves others in discussions; allows feedback; reveals self not shared with others; fears and sense of inadequacy available to others.

dysfunctional intimacy - Thinks things through in private; feelings unshared so no one knows decision process; internal dialogues unshared, but relied upon; appears fearless and unshakable because feelings of inadequacy are disguised.


Nurturing :

Healthy intimacy - Cares for others; makes caring statements; empathizes with other's pain; supportive; encouraging; offers suggestions; affirms value of others; does things to help others when it does not diminish them in any way; touches others.

Dysfunctional intimacy - Withdraws from others when they are in need; criticizes their efforts and judges their motives; dismisses or talks others out of intense feelings; removed and untoucheable ; fails to help when needed.

Honesty :

Healthy intimacy - Claims positive and negative feelings; clear about priorities and values; specific about disagreements; provides feedback when asked; admits flaws and mistakes; isfully known to intimates.

dysfunctional intimacy - Significant feelings remain unshared or acknowledged; preference not expressed; vague and manipulative about disagreements; hides flaws and covers mistakes; no one has total truth; relies on third parties to communicate.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beach...this is wonderful. Thank you for sharing this.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
thankyou1981
♂ Member
Member # 36019
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting this (I think!).

I can see pieces of myself in pretty much all of the dysfunctional sides there.

On the positive side, I know I can keep working to replace dysfunctional behaviours with healthy ones. Thanks!


Me: WS, 32
Her: BS, 30 (Please1983)
3 boys, 1, 4 and 5
DDay: 20th August 2011

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: UK
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach, Thankyou, Glad it helped.

This was eye opener for me, too.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting this. I am Teach8's WS. I relate to so much of this post. I'm sure she saw me in it when she read. Thanks again it is good see it laid out this way.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for reposting this. I first read it when I was going through false R, and it really helped me see my marriage for what it was - not healthy for either me or now-ex.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12166 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
surviving28years
♀ New Member
Member # 36638
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post...sadly I see my H pre my A in the dysfunctional side. During my A I see myself in the dysfunctional side but was on the healthy side pre A. Interesting thoughts.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Aug 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and another...


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
sosorry5454rl
♀ Member
Member # 37637
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow what a great post. .. this was quite helpful to read. .. scary but helpful. Thank you


WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2012
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

This one rates printing so I can revisit often.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing this.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 488 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks beach. Printing this out.....


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
cheerless
♀ Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is great. Thank you for posting.


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 488 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Aug 2012
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A great post. Encouraging: seeing so much of my betrayed wife's core self in the healthy category, and actually much of my healthy self there, too.

Discouraging: knowing how my damaged, lying, cheating self acted out on the dysfunctional side of the tracks. Discouraging in a "wow, pathetic, dude" way.

And scary in a "you really couldn't or wouldn't see yourself as you were?" way...punctuating the grandiose and delusional nature of my "addictive affair".

And, finally, with regard to my xAP...the dysfunctional side is spot 'effing on. Discouraging, again, in how I willingly blinded myself to a core flaw (just one of many) in her wiring.

Really good stuff.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Aug 2012
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a wonderful mirror for all of us to use......not just WS. Us BS's need to be aware of our actions and reactions as well.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS and see plenty of myself in here as well. Shared it with WS -- thanks!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.