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User Topic: The Truth About Cheating by Gary Neuman
silverhopes
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Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone read it? What were your thoughts? I read it before a while ago and was thinking of rereading it because I can't remember enough about it.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
painpaingoaway
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Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't that the one where he pretty much blames the women and tries to 'teach' us how to 'keep' our men from cheating?


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7057 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
silverhopes
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Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what I thought I remembered... but then I thought I was getting him mixed up with Dr. Harley. Thank you, good to clarify.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the book is based on his interviews with ALMOST A WHOLE ONE HUNDRED cheating guys, because an established liar is an excellent source amirite and whats better than ALMOST A WHOLE ONE HUNDRED established liars zomfg it's like its raining science!

I think Dr. Harley is more of an equal opportunity blame the betrayed, this appears to be entirely about cheating men and how their wives failed.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
realitybites
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Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah...sadly right after he did the Oprah interview and spewed his thoughts on infidelity... it turned off alot of people. I really liked him too on Oprah until that interview. I don't hate him but that one thing just really shifted things for him.

But just like anyone who believes what they believe....he won't shift away from it because he thinks that he is right. I wish he would have gone further with his investigation and asked to interview the wives or spouses of the people who these men cheated with to get the other side of the story.

Hey we ALL want more attention and fun and hugs and sex (good sex). But we all did not chose to cheat and lie. It was so biased towards the man that it really makes you wonder why he felt so strongly about it himself.


Posts: 5662 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
silverhopes
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Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm rereading it anyway (don't know why, because deep down I still blame myself?) and one thing I've noticed is that he keeps reiterating how guys aren't talkative or communicative like women are. Kinda frustrating, he expects us to use his results to be a mindreader instead of holding the betrayer accountable to communicating better, or flat out not cheating. Also skipped to the Appendix where it talks about what to do AFTER the infidelity, and the first step for the BW is:

1. Understand that it was likely that your marriage was suffering. There were things you weren't doing (perhaps not working hard enough on making the marriage better or not pushing to see a marital counselor), and this may well have contributed to the strain on your marriage. Forget for a moment the fact that your husband cheated. The best way to look at this is to imagine that he came to you and said, "I need a separation."

Just reading that part alone... hah. Thank goodness I found SI.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
painpaingoaway
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Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Understand that it was likely that your marriage was suffering. There were things you weren't doing (perhaps not working hard enough on making the marriage better or not pushing to see a marital counselor), and this may well have contributed to the strain on your marriage. Forget for a moment the fact that your husband cheated. The best way to look at this is to imagine that he came to you and said, "I need a separation."
That makes me sooooo fucking sick! What an idiot!


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7057 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
StillGoing
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Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he keeps reiterating how guys aren't talkative or communicative like women are.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
armywife80
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Member # 37837
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Glad I didn't read his book. I googled him and found that he also has a program for children for divorce. I wonder if he tells them that their family fell apart because "mommy didn't want to take it in the ass."?

The bottom line is that if you have a problem in your marriage you don't step out to look for answers! This reminds me of the "You better please me or I will cheat on you ultimatum that I hear so often on SI." Except he is making the ultimatum for every married man at once.
The sick thing is that he is a rabbi. I would think that a religious man would appreciate that marriage is a covenant that we make with God to care for and be faithful to another person. Sad to think how many women have let this bullshit into their head.


Army Wife 6+ years with 2 kids
WH: (AlwaysAway) Had sex with a prostitute on his way home for R&R.
DDay: 14 NOV 2012
I don't want to be here anymore.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Fayetteville, NC
kiki1
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Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

armywife, those are the exact words my husband said to me "you better start giving it to me more or i'll find someone who will". Honest to God. I think of those words now and i get sick. Understandably, he was upset cause gf #1 had just broken it off with him and he didnt have gf #2 yet. Yea there were problems in the marriage all right, like hubby not coming home from work at night, out hanging in the bars, hiding money, etc. yep, there were problems all right. Looking back on it, i could have done things differently, sure i couldve. Honestly though, i dont think it would have played out any differently. Hubby was already long gone and i just didnt realize how gone he was. It sure takes two to tango and it sure enough takes two to fix a marriage. In fact, the marriage did start getting better shortly after hubby said that, but he still kept gf #2 for a whole year. LMAO-it was one of the best years of our marriage. I wont ever understand that. I suppose it made him feel so valuable to have two woman. I wouldnt touch this book, but i would like to slap that rabbi silly. like this lol

Posts: 571 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
MammaMia
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Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this guy blames the BS? That we "failed" our husbands?

Bring this man over and I will have a lengthy discussion with him.
I DID NOT fail my husband. He FAILED me. Sorry, but there is no perfect anything in this world and -I can only speak for myself now_ more than once I did everything I could to point out to my idiot H that there was a problem. What did he do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
And now this author says that I am the one who failed him? He failed me big time. What about me? Yes! What about us BS? Why doesn't he write a book telling our husbands how not to fail us?
Sorry but this angers me.


And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 873 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
silverhopes
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Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the author was trying to get his book to sell by pretending that one person in the M (the reader) could have the power to change the entire M. It sold because he pitched as having power, not being powerless, knowing the reader would be motivated to do something. Because of that, he put too much on the reader.

I think I figured out why his writing bothers me so much. He treats marriages as very important, and they are. But he totally underestimates and underacknowledges just how devastating affairs really are. It's invalidating. And with a title like "The Truth About Cheating", you'd expect the book to take cheating a little more seriously with regard to its affect on the betrayed spouse.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
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Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ StillGoing, yeah he's pretty ridiculous with his gender generalizations (pages 66 and 79 highlight the pinnacles of his stupidity). I don't want to even talk about his extremely... I don't even have the right word, so let's just say "limited" understanding of women's problems in bed. Or in his mind, only one problem really. Yeah, this author's pretty much an idiot.

I think Dr. Harley is more of an equal opportunity blame the betrayed, this appears to be entirely about cheating men and how their wives failed.

Too true!

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:08 AM, January 16th (Wednesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
OnceInALifetime
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Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if he tells them that their family fell apart because "mommy didn't want to take it in the ass."?

No, he tells them the family fell apart because the children weren't paying enough attention to their parents' needs.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
painpaingoaway
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Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if he tells them that their family fell apart because "mommy didn't want to take it in the ass."?


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7057 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Knowing
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Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kirshenbaum's advice amounts to: "Put some makeup on and cook a nice supper."

His chapter on how sex should be performed is bang on, though. I felt like less of a freak. Thank you for that!


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
silverhopes
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Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kirshenbaum's advice amounts to: "Put some makeup on and cook a nice supper."

Wait, who is Kirshenbaum? Is he in the same club as Neuman and Harley?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, she's in the "Write a long book of anecdotes and throw out all 300 pages at the end by saying just figure out what you would do if God told you it was cool and you had no consequences" club.

Her books are good in the sense that they tell you to get off your ass and do something about your situation, but the methodologies she promotes are kind of.. I dunno. Saying they're stupid feels juvenile but I can't think of a better word.

I remember a chapter in Too Good To Leave/Too Bad To Stay, one husband was feeling unhappy in his marriage, so he divorced his wife and moved out to be on his own. She goes on to describe basically what a dumbass he was, and how life wasn't how he imagined it, all the women he was trying to date were paranoiac bitches, etc, while his ex moved on to be happy and sexy and awesome. So he should have sucked it up and... been a magic fairy or something I don't know. I would love to be as awesome as Barney Stinson but I haven't yet reached level 20 in the Douchebaggery tree to turn off feeling sad and be instantly awesome instead.

Maybe she went on to say he ought to have gone to counseling or something but that wasn't what I took away from it. Especially since my wife used that book to justify her affair behaviors.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I meant Neumann, as in "The Truth About Cheating" and his golden advice...


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
hurtinky
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Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When Neuman was on Oprah, they had audience members who had experienced infidelity. During the course of the show, they let some of them respond to the things that Neuman was saying. The men (who had cheated) all agreed that they cheated because they felt that the emotional connection with their wives was missing, they weren't getting enough sex, etc. etc. ad nauseam. The wives sat there with the blankest faces I've ever seen. They were, for lack of a better word to describe it, DEAD. I don't think they understood one bit what was happening. Here's this "expert" and he's telling them that it was their own fault that their husbands, who promised to ALWAYS be faithful, betrayed them, when they were only doing the best they could. Because, I'm sure most of them were dealing with young children, demanding jobs, and other life experiences. But, it was their fault.

It was truly unbelievable. But, honestly, I'm sure only a person who had BTDT would have recognized the look of sheer heartbreak and confusion on their faces.

The sad and infuriating truth is, most people do think we brought this on ourselves. We are fighting a losing battle to try to get people to understand that we didn't deserve this and we didn't do anything to cause it.

I can't even talk about infidelity with anyone. I'm just sick to death of people who think that if you were cheated on, you surely did something to cause it.

Most people have no critical thinking skills. IOW, they can't spot bullshit when they hear it.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
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