Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

The Book Club Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When good people have affairs
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw this book on Amazon and I was wondering if it was any good. It's by Mira Kirshenbaum.

Cheers


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, January 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she suggests NOT telling your spouse if you're having an affair but deciding what to do - stay in marriage or leave for AP - and put your energy there.

The reasons she lists why people have affairs are good.

But that one point threw me...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3664 | Registered: Dec 2010
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, January 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, I only leafed through this, but I found her to be an adultery apologist, and the book to be full of rationalizations for cheating. Not my cup of tea.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, January 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the update. I bought Tempted Women from Carol Botwin. Did you read that?


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her chapter on reconciliation is a must-read. She compares rebuilding trust as carrying a bowling ball up the stairs. Every time the WS drops it (her argument against TT), it goes boom-bang-boom down the stairs to the bottom and the WS has to start the arduous process over.

This book is great for the guilt-ridden, self-loathing wayward who is still in the fog. It's a straight-forward, non-judgemental approach to making a clear-headed and informed decision about the future of the M.

Also the "evaluate your spouse vs AP) is a good exercise for anyone to do. It allows for an honest look at the spouse, whether wayward or betrayed. Something we all have trouble doing at times, and especially during times of crisis.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my review on Amazon...

Some parts of this book are okay, the types of affairs, how people become involved, and what is involved in healing from an affair.

My problem is with the chapters on how a spouse involved in an affair should determine whether to stay with the marriage partner, or leave the marriage for the affair partner. These chapters presume that the affair partner is thinking clearly and rationally. It has been my experience and the experience of many others that this is simply not the case.

An affair is a fantasy relationship built on conditional love. Any conversation topic or activity that would undermine the fantasy is avoided. Add to this the lies the spouse involved in the affair has told him or herself, and others, to rationalize their involvement in the affair. All combined, there is no way in which the person having an affair can accurately asess which partner they are truly happier with, which partner is the "better" partner, or is meeting their needs.

Many participants find their involvement with an affair to be addictive. Until the participants break this addiction and the accompanying rationalizations, there is simply no way for them to make an informed decision about returning to the marriage or leaving it for the affair partner. To do otherwise is akin to having a drug or alcohol addict make decisions on further drug or alcohol use while under the influence.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also the "evaluate your spouse vs AP) is a good exercise for anyone to do. It allows for an honest look at the spouse, whether wayward or betrayed.

No.. no, it really can't allow for an honest look at a spouse when one spouse is lying to and cheating on the other. That's a definitively dishonest look at things. As in, if you look up dishonest, the definition quite literally includes the words lie and cheat.

Getting out of the affair and putting everything on the table is really the only honest way to evaluate anything. If she says that, awesome. If she says to do that from a little cubbyhole of deceptive befuckery, no thanks.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
stillstrong
♀ Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, February 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No.. no, it really can't allow for an honest look at a spouse when one spouse is lying to and cheating on the other. That's a definitively dishonest look at things

Also something to consider. The AP is in a contest with the BS, to show who is the better partner. Unfortunately, the BS has no idea they are competing with someone else. Therefore the AP will be doing everything possible to show themselves in the best light, while the BS may very likely not be their best self, especially if the WS is acting in ways that is hurting the marriage and the BS is trying to get them back on the right track, not realizing the true reason for their WS's behavior.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum: The Book Club Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.