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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I asked him to contact her again. Dumb?
Putto
♀ Member
Member # 38261
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, January 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The day I found out, immediately after I confronted him, he played dumb to me pretending like he didn't know what was going on or why I was so upset.

At the same time, he texted her to tell her I found a photo of her he had kept and apologized for dragging her into this and told he's so sorry. Apologized to her. Not to me.
That was the last time they talked.

Since then her and I have had a few exchanges. I contacted her to check some facts since I was having a hard time believing some of the things he was telling me. She answered my questions and apologized that I came across her photo. (Didn't apologize for sending him naked photos, but that I found one. What a peach.) Then told me I had her word that she wouldn't contact her again.

I responded to her, angerly, and she immediately texted my husband. Oops guess her word is worth nothing.

Anyway, I have become increasingly uncomfortable with a few things. 1. That she thinks its okay to treat me like garbage and lie to me and he isn't standing up for me. 2. That she is still trying to contact him. 3. That their last exchange left her with the impression that she is still in his good graces. And 4. That she thinks she did nothing wrong and she thinks he agrees.

So it took a week of huge fights and convincing, but he agreed to message her and asked for a few days to figure out what to say. He doesn't think it's the right thing because he says he wants nothing to do with her and he doesn't its worth it because its unlikely it will make her feel any shame.

Am I really being that crazy to want her to know he doesn't like her? That he thinks that she has done something wrong? To stand up for me for disrespecting me? Is it dumb to want him to break NC?

He's so adamantly against this. He's willing to because I won't shut up about it, but won't stop saying how much he doesn't want to.


I don't say much but I lurk around a lot. Thank you for baring your souls here, you've said the words I couldn't find and you've helped me heal more than I can say.

Me - BS
Him - FWS, serial long term EAs


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, January 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post. ooops.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:55 PM, January 28th (Monday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, January 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does no good. As soon as he tells her, you'll imagine he called her back and apologized again.

Ask yourself why you wish to go to war with her instead of work on the whys, how's and the "how do I know you won't do it agains" with your husband.

Sometimes, the cat fights are our way of not dealing with the reality of how our marriages will be, day-to-day, in the now and in the future. It's avoidance of figuring out how we will deal with one another, trust one another, face the days with an elephant in the room while we try to heal.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:54 PM, January 28th (Monday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
carey
♀ Member
Member # 35829
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, January 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he ever told her that he wants NC with her?

If so, maybe he needs to change his cell #.


me(BW) 41
him (WH) 40
D-day 1/17/12
together for 22yrs, married 12 yrs.
2 children ages 10 & 5
You can close your eyes
to the things you don't
want to see. You can't close
your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like a harsh, cold NC letter is in order with a brief statement at the beginning to mention that perhaps this was not clear in the final text messages, and that both of you want assurance she understands his only priority is his marriage.

He should let her know any further contact attempts from her to either you or him, will be considered harassment and you (both) will take legal action. I would ask him to mail it to her, forget the texting thing. And make sure you keep a copy of the letter before sending it and actually follow up having her charged with harassment if she "fishes" or anything else.


Posts: 5741 | Registered: Apr 2006
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Bobbi.The letter is the way to go. Send the letter certified mail so that you have a paper trail. Make her sign for it. That is what we did with our NC letter. I have a copy of the letter and proof that she received it (her signature).


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 309 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the same time, he texted her to tell her I found a photo of her he had kept and apologized for dragging her into this and told he's so sorry. Apologized to her. Not to me.
That was the last time they talked.

OMG - I'm so sorry. My H did the EXACT same thing! Saying he was so sorry for all of this, and that I was crazy blah blah blah. I know what a mind bender it is.

I told OW's LTBF (basically H as they had lived together for nearly 10 years), and then she said she wanted to talk to me. She actually had an attitude at first, but I was pretty cold and stuck to the facts. Then she said she wished I hadn't told OBS because he didn't deserve the pain he was in. I told her that I didn't hurt him at all - I just let him know that she had. That shut her right up.

I'm sorry you have had to deal with such problems. I think, honestly, that OW is the least of your worries. She could fall off a cliff tomorrow and it wouldn't make you feel better. OK, maybe for a minute, but the EA would still have happened. You'd still be in this pain.

It sounds like the problem is your WH. He isn't remorseful. He's sorry he was caught, and sorry you're hurting, but he isn't remorseful. I don't say this because of the DDay apology to OW. Lots of busted WSs do all kinds of crazy things on DDay. I say this because you've had multiple DDays and because even now he doesn't want to send an NC letter. No, he isn't remorseful.

Have you done the 180? It might help you. It is designed to build up your strength, and help you regain some of the esteem that an A takes from people. It also does a great job getting you to focus on things besides the A, which at times seems impossible. Sometimes, and I do not know if this is your case or not, but sometimes we BSs can make the A our entire life. We think of it constantly. We search out the whys, the whens, the whos. All of these are important, but when it becomes an obsession it's not healthy.

I actually had to tell myself that I was more than my H's EA, and that I needed to stop with the obsessive combing through details, or looking for more. This was nearly 18 months post DDay, so I wasn't jumping the gun.

I think it might be a really good thing for you to try.

As far as your H - what else is he doing to help you heal?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Bobbi.The letter is the way to go. Send the letter certified mail so that you have a paper trail. Make her sign for it. That is what we did with our NC letter. I have a copy of the letter and proof that she received it (her signature).
I agree with Bobbi and lilflower. And, while you are at it (sending a certified letter requiring a signature and showing ID) send one to the BBF including some of the lovely pictures as proof. You will feel so much better outing this to the BBF.

ETA: I just read your post on your other thread in general. I rescind my advice on sending the letter to BF as I didn't have a clear understanding of the situation. Yes, most likely you will come off as the cray cray person. I actually am in kind of the same dilemma myself. However, if she continues to break contact, I would contact the boyfriend.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:22 AM, January 31st (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's dumb at all. HOWEVER, H has to be on board. If he's just yessing you, then NC is not going to work. It's not a matter of shaming her. It's a matter of telling her how it's going to be from here on out. If he can't do that, then I think there's a problem.

When I busted H, I flipped out and left the house for a few days. He called OW and told her that I found out and that she shouldn't contact him. Apparently he "felt bad" and liked one of her twitter posts a week later, and she did the same back, which I told him was a form of contact and that was so not ok with me. I told him that I needed him to explicitly tell her that it was over and that he will not be contacting her anymore and that she should not contact him either. I had asked that H call her in front of me, but he chose to call her when I was out of the house. That really upset me and I had to dig for details about how she responded, what he said exactly. But I definitely feel better that he formally ended things.

He even asked me the other day whether he should write her a letter telling her how misguided he was and how he loves me, not her, etc, but I told him NO WAY. That actually pissed me off and I told H that that showed me that maybe he has some unfinished business with her. He said no, that he just wanted to show a united front and that he thought it would make me feel better. As if! I don't care what that piece of trash knows about my relationship, as long as she knows we both want her to stay the F away.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 495 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 9

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