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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Today in counseling, i learned...
justanotherBH
♂ Member
Member # 38021
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll go along with the counselor being an idiot. While the kids don't need to know the specifics of what happened (although it seems that your son already does by his own snooping) I think it's far more important to not lie to them.

Your STBXW will always be their mother. Period. She may be Satan incarnate, but she will also be their mom. But your kids need to know that you aren't a hypocrite and that you won't lie to them. Honesty is far more important.

And frankly, I want my kids to know that I will stand up for myself, and won't be anyone's doormat. And no counselor in the world is gonna nice that one out of me.


BH (me)-42
WW-39
DD12
DS8
EA DD#1 5/07
EA/PA DD#1 9/2/10
DD#2 4/2/11
DD#3 9/11
DD#4 12/26/12
12/31/13 divorced.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: californy
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find a new therapist yesterday

As everyone has already done, let me also reassure you that you are doing fine Please just let the bullshit you were given by the therapist just roll off your back.

Hang in there! You know you are doing a great job under the circumstances. Keep moving forward!! Hugs and support, dmari


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Oct 2012
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your counselor is wrong and misguided.

I undersatns how hurtful what was said is. Similar thing happened to me. Dig deep and trust yourself. Fire that counselor.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this counselor for the kids?

If so, her main patient is the children. She should be their advocate, not WW's.

MC... if you are getting divorced, why are you in MC?


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

get a new counselor

Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little background info.
A week after Dday#1, STBXW and I were ready to divorce. So we met with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therspist who specializes in children going through divorce. Wanted to do the right thing with respect to kids.

LMFT told us how difficult divorce is on kids. Our emotions were very 'raw' and if we started proceeding now she promised it would get really ugly. She said once we figure out what caused the failure and can recognize our culpability, we can make an unemotional decision whether to reconcile or divorce.

So we started MC with this person. Continued for 3 months until DDay#2 in Dec.. At that point Counselor actually suggested we call it quits because STBXW was lying to her, blamed me for problems, and continued to pursue relationships outside of the marriage.

So i told STBXW i wanted a divorce, and we stopped MC. Counselor even told me I earned my way out of the marriage, and STBXW would probably have 2-3 more relationship failures if she continued her behavior patterns.

So, even though i asked for divorce, I admit I thought STBXW would have a change of heart before we told the kids, but that obviously did not happen.

After New Year, Decided to go back to her for kids counseling since she is the specialist and knows our history. So, I was really surprised how the session went today. DS15 has been upset with his mom, and feels like she and DS17 ganged up on him over at her house. DS17 threatened physical harm to D15 because he wasn't showing mom the proper respect.

I wasn't expecting to hear that I'm holding my kids back from healing. . I'm actively working on detaching from STBXW so I can work on healing myself. Was feeling pretty good about my progress until I learned of the boys fighting at STBXW's. of course I was angry with her. The boys never fought until now.

Counselor agreed I worked my ass off for three months in MC. But it's over now and I understand that. Time to work on the kids.


Me: BH
Her: STBXWW
Married: 20 years
3 sons at home
Separated and proceeding with divorce.
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LMFT told us how difficult divorce is on kids. Our emotions were very 'raw' and if we started proceeding now she promised it would get really ugly.

I may be wrong, but IMHO, she was setting you guys up for multi year counseling with HER no matter what happened.

Yes, D is difficult on kids. DUH!! You can open up an newspaper or magazine and read that. She wanted you and your WW to feel guilty so you would go back to her. And once dday 2 occurred, she covered her bases. But then agreed to see the kids -- how convenient. And now 2-3 weeks later she is again making you feel GUILTY. Why? So you will continue to see her and send the kids to her. I may be way off base, but I am just giving you my read on this so-called therapist.

If her therapy relies on making you feel guilty or shameful (and it sounds like she has played both you and WS) then she is not good for the kids. How is guilt and shame going to help a teenage work thru the destruction of their family?

Your kids, especially DS15, needs someone who can validate his feelings of anger and betrayal and then help him deal with that and accept his mother as she is. Guilt and shame have no place in DS15's healing.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17285 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
whyisthismylife
♀ New Member
Member # 34625
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's overwhelming to look at switching counselors but I've seen a lot of them over the years and this one is what I call a career counselor....she has no end game really in plan....and she's looking at 3 boys she can hopefully add to her lifetime client list. Please shop around...you need someone for you. A GREAT counselor will tell you how long they expect treatment to take (assuming cooperation and hard work on the client's part)...this is a range, of course but the GOAL should always be to give you tools, help you implement them and support you getting in the new habit of using them and then withdrawal from your need of the counselor...not good job security for them but it is what a great one does.

And I am very sorry you are going through this. It's all hard enough as it is...


Me - BS 40
Him - WS 48
5 Kids - DD 23(His), DS 17(Hers), DS 15(Hers), DS 12(Ours), DD 4(Ours)
Married 12 Years, Together 15
DDay - 1/20/12
Hoping for happiness...
OW - supposed friend, my daycare client and 15 year old son's best friend'

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely fail to see how this is throwing your STBXW under the bus at all! It's not about her. It's about them, and you're right, it does suck and they don't deserve to have to go through this all.

^^THIS.

New counsellor. ASAP.

What a complete load of shit.

Unbelievable. Your children have their own minds. Instead of focussing on who's to blame for how they feel how about the counsellor does their job and helps them work through it.

Therapists are not perfect and many do not have the skills required to deal with something like this. Find one that is.

This makes me so mad - this is incompetence that causes so much damage.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4563 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
HIDINGFROMCRAZY
♀ Member
Member # 27592
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well, that may have set the stage, but your reaction makes it look like she's the bad guy and you're the victim.

That is the only thing she got right. Your wife, a cheater, is the bad guy and you were most definitely the victim. Your children, too, are collateral victims.

Find another counselor, pronto. Nobody needs this kind of "help".


Me: BS 58
Him: FWH - 60
Dday #1 - around Feb, 2007
Dday #2 - around Christmas, 2009
3 children - 30,26,23

I cannot prevent the Birds of Sorrow from passing over my head, but I can keep them from building a nest in my hair.


Posts: 470 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: GA
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KeeponMoving
I think you need a new counselor and maybe the kids need one for themselves?
Look your DS15 doesn't approve of infidelity and his life is in total shambles because of it. So I think they have a right to be peed off and show the WS there is a reaction to their actions of infidelity kwim?
So they are learning how to cope with this and they need their own counselor JMO.
You are not to blame for his anger so don't let them pile that load of crap on you.
Stand strong let the children see you survive and be stronger and love life.
Good luck.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say "thanks" to all who offered their view points. I feel pretty alone in all of this, and it helps to get things off of my chest and get some honest feedback.

I am going to look for another counselor, but not before letting this one know what i think of her work. Will cost me $125/hour, but it will be worth it.

thanks again!


Me: BH
Her: STBXWW
Married: 20 years
3 sons at home
Separated and proceeding with divorce.
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
trustagain
♀ Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO your boys are old enough for a heart to heart- father to son chat. Not only is your DS15 having a difficult time with the D, but he is also in the mid-teens (which doesn't help either). You don't need to throw blame at your STBXW, you don't even need to tell them about the Affairs, but if they ask I feel you need to be as honest as you can, without making your STBXW out as the witch that she is.

I think your DS17 needs to know he needs to "lay off" his brother for a while. Even though their fighting is "normal" brother stuff, maybe he needs to be reminded that his brother is hurting and that as the older brother he needs to support him. I would also tell him that yes - his brother should respect his Mom.

For DS15 I would tell him that his Mom loves him and no matter what happened, she is still his Mom and he needs to respect her.

I would also tell your STBXW that for a little while maybe DS15 shouldn't be forced to go to her house. If he wished to great, but if he doesn't want to, let him have a little space right now.

I see your problem as two fold. On one hand you are dealing with normal teenage boy stuff. On the other hand you are dealing with a divorce.

I don't get paid a million dollars to be a counselor (and I am not) and yours shouldn't get a penny IMO, but sometimes we all need to step back, analyze the situation and think what is best for everyone. If your STXW wants any type of relationship with her son she needs to step back, accept that his is angry and upset and give him his space. His brother needs to do the same. Your DS15 needs to understand that everyone expects respect and being angry is ok, but he needs to do something with that anger rather than taking it out on everyone.

Just take it day by day. Keep the lines of communication open with them. Let them know that you are there anytime they need to talk. Your STBX should be doing the same thing.

Peace to you!

[This message edited by trustagain at 2:50 PM, January 31st (Thursday)]


WH - 47
BS (me) - 50
Son - 24
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4460 | Registered: Nov 2007
greenink99
♀ Member
Member # 38160
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KOM, don't waste your money to tell her off. Not worth it, imo. Clean slate sounds best. You need an advocate for your sons, someone who will validate and help him work through feelings of anger. I like my D15's IC because when we meet her she always asks if there's anything she & I need to talk about before meeting with D15. Put your energy into healing and getting your kids heading in the right direction. Not into proving a point with the IC.


me 39
him 42
M 21.5 yrs
2DD

S 6/29/12
DD 10/18/12
starting D summer 2013


Posts: 132 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: West Coast
myheadreallyhurt
♀ Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry. I agree that what the MC said was complete b.s.

I'll be the first to admit that I've told my son that multiple times. His dad left him, he's sad, he's angry, he wants to know what he did wrong. And I don't care what counseling rule I'm breaking my son will know he did nothing wrong and he didn't deserve this.


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 125 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we all need to step back, analyze the situation and think what is best for everyone

^^This^^

trust, i pretty much agree with everything you wrote. I am doing my best to make sure the kids' needs are met first.

Green, I'm sure you are right. i guess i have a problem with closure. i'm really not the "gotta get the last word in" type of person, but i do think i need to let her know why i'm firing her. Maybe a letter would suffice. I would send an email, but that's billed at the 15 minutes minimum ($31.25).

$125 would probably be better spent on some new trail running shoes.


Me: BH
Her: STBXWW
Married: 20 years
3 sons at home
Separated and proceeding with divorce.
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps the best way to let her know why you fired her is to file a complaint with the state board that governs her practice.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
trustagain
♀ Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am doing my best to make sure the kids' needs are met first.

That is great, but remember a happy Dad makes happy kids. Please take care of your needs as well.

Just keep telling the boys and even your youngest that you are there for them. You love them and that you will all get through this. Because that is the truth. You will get through this.


WH - 47
BS (me) - 50
Son - 24
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4460 | Registered: Nov 2007
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would modify this message a little bit:

For DS15 I would tell him that his Mom loves him and no matter what happened, she is still his Mom and he needs to respect her.

You need to tell DS15 that you expect him to always show his mother respect. Period. I think telling him that he needs to respect his mother is kinda telling him how he should feel. He may not feel respect for her at all times, but he needs to ALWAYS show her respect because she is his mother. Period.

That is kinda splitting hairs, but for an emotional 15 year old who also feels like nothing in life is under his control, this allows him to control how he feels. But also communicates the behavior that is expected of him.

I mean, I don't have to respect my boss. But I sure better show him respect or my ass is out of a job. Not he best analogy but the best I can come up with right now.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17285 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
SouthernGal
♀ Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add another "your counselor may be an 'expert' but your counselor is also an idiot" vote.

The counselor's words are not only inaccurate, but they are a dismissal of your son's thoughts and feelings.

Kids, particularly teens but even young children, have the ability to formulate their own views and opinions. Not everything they think and feel is a direct reflection of their parents' views, thoughts, feelings, or words.

Your counselor is full of shit.

What you said is the absolute truth. It does suck. It isn't fair. It isn't the kids' fault. And it most certainly is bullshit.

What is also bullshit is your counselor's stance and the reasoning behind that stance.

Your son found evidence of his mother having an affair. That is more than enough for him to have formed his own opinion from.

My daughter (SG2) discovered her dad's (SW) affair years before I found out about it. Oh sure he explained it all away to her (lied his ass off) and made her believe that she was just a silly child.

Turns out he introduced our daughter to his OW (well one of them at least) and to her daughter. We used to home school and the ex works in a very flexible office - so he would take SG2 to work with him. On those days he, SG2 and OW would have lunch together. He encouraged SG2 to be friends with the OW (they were friends on FB for a while).

Years later, my daughter is no longer 11. She's nearly 17 and a due to graduate high school in May. She has had a couple romantic relationships of her own and she can now look back and see the behaviours that she feels should have clued her in that her dad was cheating on me.

That has put a wedge between her and her dad. Not the fact that I have told her that the divorce sucks, that she is the only truly innocent victim in all of this mess, that she doesn't deserve this. All of that is truth.

She formed her own opinions of her dad and of me by watching how we've handled ourselves over the past 3 years since d-day.

She's a smart, independent young woman with her own opinions.

Your son is a smart, independent young man with his own opinions.

Your counselor is selling him short and she's actually cheating him out of being able to have his own thoughts, opinions and feelings on this matter.

In short - she is an idiot.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
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