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User Topic: Today in counseling, i learned...
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I fired the counselor.

STBXWW not happy. First thing she texted me, "I think you want someone to say it is all my fault"

It's not that at all. I'm just not liking the direction this has been going.

Several hours later she texted that DS10 really needs to see that IC. And has been asking. Turns out this is actually true. (Wasn't sure she was capable of truth)

Seems like if the kids were the main concern, she would have written that before the whole make me feel guilty thing...

Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, February 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you fired her. Now please stay strong and find someone else to be a counselor for your kids. The one you just fired has an agenda. She should not be counseling your children.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9820 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, February 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^Ditto. I'd be looking for a childrens specialist - not a jack of all trades, master of none.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ New Member
Member # 38694
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there, as someone said you will get through this.

My 15 yr old is not dealing with this in house separation very well. His grades have dropped and he's really quite and keeps to himself. My IC told me to just keep reassuring him that everything will be fine and I love him.

Good luck to you and sending big hugs!!!

Me/BS 46
Him/WH 51
Married 17yrs
DD 2/12/2013
R but I just don't know

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your counselor is a moron. Kids losing respect for the wayward parent is a normal consequence of cheating. Maybe she should try taking some responsibility for the damage she has caused to her children's lives.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I doubt this will be helpful, but agree on the "show" respect rather than feel it - for now.

Tell your kids that one day when they're adults and married, they'll need their mother to babysit the kids when child care is closed, the baby has a fever and you're both exhausted and you need a nap, or when they want time together to keep their marriage strong, working on it every day, and not letting things slide.

So to just be nice to her now. Kind of like how really slimy rich people keep their kids speaking to them and showing respect - because they want to the cash.

They can work out the rest over a longer time. Just make sure to tell your sons not to take out their anger with their mother on future girlfriends or one-day wives. I have a daughter, and worry one day my daughter will be treated disrespectfully by a husband with anger issues and distrust that came from his relationship with a parent.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:35 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! This is kind of an old-ish thread, but I think an update might be worthwhile if anybody is still following it.

I screwed up. I should have listened to the folks on SI rather than my crappy counselor. Here’s the background.

At the time of this thread, DS15 was really upset with his mom. I found out from his GF’s mother that he learned STBX was having an affair. He refused to spend any time with her and wouldn’t speak to her.

All of the SI folks and my IRL friends reinforced that I should respect his anger and his wishes NOT to be forced to spend time with STBX. Well, I was ‘moved’ by STBX’s crocodile tears and counselor at the time really pushed me to make him spend time with STBX and basically rug sweep the affair. The counselor openly advocated lying to DS15. Her rationale was, “is it really lying if you tell your child a shot won’t hurt or the medicine really doesn’t taste that bad?”

Well, denying what he knows is fucking lying. Well, I basically rugswept the infidelity. I didn’t respect DS15’s wishes by forcing him to spend time with STBX. I reinforced how much she loves him and he needs to show her respect.

How did this turn around and kick me in the gut? Well, my relationship with him has suffered. He was really P/A for a while and finally told me that I don’t listen to him, thus I don’t care about his feelings. Well, I do care for him, but I also understand how I did not respect his feelings.

Furthermore, STBX lied to him about a Christmas gift she received from OM. She told him it was from a gay friend of hers and there is no OM. She has befriended DS15’s GF and GF’s mom, to help align him with her (whereas before she didn’t approve of the relationship). And now, she offered to give him her jeep when he turns 16. (it was the Jeep I bought her for her 40th birthday.)

Sometimes taking the high road can be lonely. Hope it's the right thing to do in the end.

Ever seen the quote, “Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never trust someone who lies to you.”? Know it and live it. No, the kids don’t need to know the details and they don’t need to be burdened with ‘adult issues’. But please, DO respect their feelings and be truthful.

Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 47
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