Calling-calls will be answered and if not a text will be sent immediately as to why they can't speak right then
Texting locations during the day
GPS on the phone to verify they are where they say they are
Text pics of where/what they are doing
Restrictions on locations. Example if bars upset you, no bars.
This may not be a factor for you, but I had a no porn restriction. No deleting history on his phone/ computer so I could verify
No hanging up on you. This was a problem for us when I triggered. He'd just hang up.
Whatever you need to feel more comfortable, ask for it. There is not right or wrong way. Even with stuff like this in place, I still have anxiety but this helps alleviate some of it.
But your H should be doing whatever you ask to help you feel better while he travels. Some people here have had their WS keep SKYPE open all night while they are sleeping....and awake to each other in the mornings. My H and I SKYPED and had dinners together, he in his room, me at home. We played games and spent hours together on line. He involved me more in his work and I have met many of the people he works with now. During the A, he kept his work life separate from his family.
As time went on and H busted his butt to help me heal and repair the damage he's done, I became more comfortable with his travel, but it took almost four years for me to get to this point.
In the end, if they want to cheat, they will and traveling certainly gives them opportunities. As I worked on me, I realized if H did cheat again, eventually I would find out and I am strong enough to make it without him. It would be his loss and though I would be sad to see him go, I know now I will be just fine on my own.
Be kind to yourself and tell your WS what you need to feel safe while he is gone and hold him to it.....his actions will tell you what you need to do next......all in good time.
My WH normally travels 1-2 times per month. For some reason, since our d-day in late September, he has only had two trips. I triggered pretty bad the first time, but not as much the second time. In January he will start travelling more regularly.
As others have said, I don't want to be the police. He has to set his own boundaries. If he has taken his A underground, then he has made his choice, and our marriage will end. I don't have any evidence that he has done so, but then if he's careful, like he was for the first 14 months of his affair, it's unlikely that I will discover anything. He can cover his tracks very easily.
Nonetheless, travelling triggers a lot of emotions, and I'm not sure how I will be able to deal with them ...
Worry before I leave, stressed when gone, then over sensitive when I get back home. My WW went with me on one of my trips. It was wonderful!! But still nervous about leaving again.
I appreciate all the responses. I wish I had advice to give, but want to pass along appreciation for everyone else's experiences!
The Canada trip was rough at first. WH was out of cell phone range. That first Sunday was awful. I barely got out of bed and that's when I decided that I really needed to get on AD's.
Once he got on WiFi we were able to Skype and that was incredibly helpful. WH has never been one for talking on the phone but something about the face to face interaction made it different for him. Not to mention that it got rid of one trigger, which is that now I know that several times when I was traveling, WH had OW nearby while I was on the phone with him.
It also helped a lot that it was -17F out and he was traveling with his extremely conservative boss, so he was quite constrained.
Now I'm facing another travel situation. I'm going to visit my parents out of state, a flight that I booked a few weeks before DDay. This might be my biggest trigger. Even before I knew about the A, my solo trips made me nervous. I didn't like the distance I felt from WH when I came back, and sometimes there were things that made me suspicious -- lack of activity from him on our shared credit card, a scrupulously clean house when I got back...
As a result I decided that I wouldn't travel at all without him in 2013. I haven't seen my parents in over a year. And hey, it turns out he was with OW every single time I traveled without him, whether for business or family, since December of 2010.
I've told him I expect to Skype daily at the time of my choosing. And that I have to see both of our cats during the chat since that way I know he's home.
As much as I believe NC is in place, I am strongly considering asking the neighbors to keep a watch out for OW's car...
The one area we still need to work on is making the most of the time together between trips. The disconnected feeling multiplies each trip. That should just take some awareness and some planning.
For anyone who is struggling with this
It does get easier with time and effort.
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
We haven't Skyped - My H's computer has a lot of restrictions due to work, but I may send my son's ipad with him this time.
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
We are still struggling- it's been a learning process for WH. He doesn't think about how things might appear to me while he is traveling even though we discuss and plan ahead. There is a particularly triggery time of day for me, and he's learning not to go out of contact during that time especially. Texts need to be acknowledged right away, even if it's only to say- "in meeting- talk soon". And texts need to sound like he's talking to his wife, not an acquaintance.
We're getting there.
I'm sorry you are struggling. I have had a couple trips out of the country were contact was nearly nonexistent for a few days. It makes it so much harder.
I'm glad your H was there for you when he could finally make contact. I hope that his reaction will help you feel more comfortable in the future.
Also remember you dont have to sit in those feelings alone. We are here for you.
It is rough -- but can I say, we finally got Facetime to work, and it has been so cool. Seeing him actually makes a big difference (we still talk all the time, much to his company's chagrin). And, it doesn't hurt that I get to hear how beautiful I am (and I can tell by his face that he means it.) It is super nice just to get to see his smile.
So, if you aren't doing Skype or facetime, and you can, do it! It helps. I can't believe he's been doing this for 8 years and this is the first time we've done this.
My WH travels all the time. He's been gone since Sunday. I'm traveling this weekend to see him - I'll leave from there Monday morning to return home. He'll be home the following Friday night and will leave again on Sunday for another week long trip. I will see him for two overnights during that trip though.
I trigger hard when WH is traveling. Always wondering. Always scared. Skype would be great except he used that to form of communication with OW when he was traveling (never with our children and I) so it's a HUGE trigger for me, and I'm just not ready yet.