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Reconciliation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Support for Couples Separated by Travel
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What will make you feel easier threeyearfool? Some ideas are:

Calling-calls will be answered and if not a text will be sent immediately as to why they can't speak right then
Texting locations during the day
GPS on the phone to verify they are where they say they are
Text pics of where/what they are doing
Skpe/FaceTime
Restrictions on locations. Example if bars upset you, no bars.
This may not be a factor for you, but I had a no porn restriction. No deleting history on his phone/ computer so I could verify
No hanging up on you. This was a problem for us when I triggered. He'd just hang up.

Whatever you need to feel more comfortable, ask for it. There is not right or wrong way. Even with stuff like this in place, I still have anxiety but this helps alleviate some of it.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is still out of town, until next week and it really got to me this morning as well. I cried the whole way on my drive to a work conference, cried the mascara right off.
My thought was I need WH to call me right when he wakes up, something to be similar to us waking up together. He has been texting often which is helping somewhat.
We did have a nice evening earlier in the week. He ordered room service and I made some pasta and we ate dinner together over face time. It felt private and a little more normal.
It's just so hard! Hugs for all who are hanging in there and trying to make it work.


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 459 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Pinkjeeplady)))
Can you ask him to call you when he wakes up? Tell him this would help you...it does not have to be a long call, just good morning, I love you. Then you would know he is thinking about you when he wakes up and make you feel less anxious of the distance of travel. This is such a simple thing but a huge, wonderful way to say I love you.


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 573 | Registered: Oct 2011
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ThreeYearFool))) This is not an easy road and only time will tell if your R is truly remorseful and will be transparent and true to you.

But your H should be doing whatever you ask to help you feel better while he travels. Some people here have had their WS keep SKYPE open all night while they are sleeping....and awake to each other in the mornings. My H and I SKYPED and had dinners together, he in his room, me at home. We played games and spent hours together on line. He involved me more in his work and I have met many of the people he works with now. During the A, he kept his work life separate from his family.

As time went on and H busted his butt to help me heal and repair the damage he's done, I became more comfortable with his travel, but it took almost four years for me to get to this point.

In the end, if they want to cheat, they will and traveling certainly gives them opportunities. As I worked on me, I realized if H did cheat again, eventually I would find out and I am strong enough to make it without him. It would be his loss and though I would be sad to see him go, I know now I will be just fine on my own.

Be kind to yourself and tell your WS what you need to feel safe while he is gone and hold him to it.....his actions will tell you what you need to do next......all in good time.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1592 | Registered: Mar 2010
foolishlycluless
♀ Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad that I found this thread. Perhaps one of the mods can move it to the "I Can Relate" forum.

My WH normally travels 1-2 times per month. For some reason, since our d-day in late September, he has only had two trips. I triggered pretty bad the first time, but not as much the second time. In January he will start travelling more regularly.

As others have said, I don't want to be the police. He has to set his own boundaries. If he has taken his A underground, then he has made his choice, and our marriage will end. I don't have any evidence that he has done so, but then if he's careful, like he was for the first 14 months of his affair, it's unlikely that I will discover anything. He can cover his tracks very easily.

Nonetheless, travelling triggers a lot of emotions, and I'm not sure how I will be able to deal with them ...


Me: BW 55
Him: WH 58
Married 30 years, together 33 years, no children.
D-Day: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA? with 34 YO business associate
Attempting R

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
betrayedme2
♂ Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I could have written Chico's post from 2/6. I'm supposed to travel for work. Before DDay, I was gone from home a LOT. After dday, I can easily count the number of days on one hand. It's really effected my work. I'm glad this thread was brought back to life. I hadn't stumbled on it before.

Worry before I leave, stressed when gone, then over sensitive when I get back home. My WW went with me on one of my trips. It was wonderful!! But still nervous about leaving again.

I appreciate all the responses. I wish I had advice to give, but want to pass along appreciation for everyone else's experiences!


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for foolishlycluless


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaďs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3166 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for bumping this thread, karmahappens -- I was looking for it!

The Canada trip was rough at first. WH was out of cell phone range. That first Sunday was awful. I barely got out of bed and that's when I decided that I really needed to get on AD's.

Once he got on WiFi we were able to Skype and that was incredibly helpful. WH has never been one for talking on the phone but something about the face to face interaction made it different for him. Not to mention that it got rid of one trigger, which is that now I know that several times when I was traveling, WH had OW nearby while I was on the phone with him.

It also helped a lot that it was -17F out and he was traveling with his extremely conservative boss, so he was quite constrained.

Now I'm facing another travel situation. I'm going to visit my parents out of state, a flight that I booked a few weeks before DDay. This might be my biggest trigger. Even before I knew about the A, my solo trips made me nervous. I didn't like the distance I felt from WH when I came back, and sometimes there were things that made me suspicious -- lack of activity from him on our shared credit card, a scrupulously clean house when I got back...

As a result I decided that I wouldn't travel at all without him in 2013. I haven't seen my parents in over a year. And hey, it turns out he was with OW every single time I traveled without him, whether for business or family, since December of 2010.

I've told him I expect to Skype daily at the time of my choosing. And that I have to see both of our cats during the chat since that way I know he's home.

As much as I believe NC is in place, I am strongly considering asking the neighbors to keep a watch out for OW's car...


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 40
Together 11 years, married 6
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 119 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for Frankie80.


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 573 | Registered: Oct 2011
foolishlycluless
♀ Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for mod.


Me: BW 55
Him: WH 58
Married 30 years, together 33 years, no children.
D-Day: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA? with 34 YO business associate
Attempting R

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
Frankie80
♀ Member
Member # 41323
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the bump forgiving now :-)
I guess I have to be ok with being apart from my H every now and again! His work situation won't change anytime soon and I worry about the strain the commuting is putting on him. Partly I struggle because I'm not there with the trust yet and partly I don't want spend time away from the thoughtful loving H I now seem to have!! Confusing!


Me BW
Him WH
Married 5yrs, together 8
DS & DD
DDay 1 18.07.13, 7month PA co-worker
DDay 2 29.09.2013 (continued EA, kissed once)
Working on R

Posts: 67 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: UK
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just an update. This is my third week in a row I am traveling. And probably another one coming up next week. They have all been anxiety free trips. We have a really good routine going which has become second nature. Trust has been established and it feels as safe as I think it could.

The one area we still need to work on is making the most of the time together between trips. The disconnected feeling multiplies each trip. That should just take some awareness and some planning.

For anyone who is struggling with this
It does get easier with time and effort.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2403 | Registered: Aug 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh - yes. My H has some travel coming up again, and I am glad to know I am not alone. The disconnected feeling is the worst. Hard to believe we lived like that for years, and struggled to reconnect, and never fully doing it. Now we do, but it actually makes the trips harder, I think.

We haven't Skyped - My H's computer has a lot of restrictions due to work, but I may send my son's ipad with him this time.


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1301 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is good to hear, Chico.
Try various things, bionicgal, until you feel connected. And vary it from time to time so it doesn't get overly routine.

We are still struggling- it's been a learning process for WH. He doesn't think about how things might appear to me while he is traveling even though we discuss and plan ahead. There is a particularly triggery time of day for me, and he's learning not to go out of contact during that time especially. Texts need to be acknowledged right away, even if it's only to say- "in meeting- talk soon". And texts need to sound like he's talking to his wife, not an acquaintance.
We're getting there.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I travel for work and was just stressing about my next trip and saw this thread. My last trip, 3 wks ago, was when I was getting emails from the key logger I had put on his computer and realized just how bad his sex addiction was....it was horrible. I'm terrified to go away again and don't trust him to stay away from these sites that have destroyed us. Had I not had that gut feeling before leaving last I wouldn't have put the logger on his computer, and wouldn't have known what he was doing while I was gone, and that makes me feel sick


Me: 32 Him WS: 33, 2 little boys
Him: EA with coworker, porn/cam/chat site/Craigslist addict. Diagnosed as SA and working towards wellness
Together 15yrs, married 6yrs
Dday 9/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
Trying to reconcile, again

Posts: 97 | Registered: Nov 2013
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To start off with, things are great with my husband and I. We are reconciling and more emotionally connected & open than we ever have been. So to right now, he traveled for work 3 days this week, home for less than 24 then off to a guy's ski trip Fri- late Wed. As he is in the mountains, the past 3-31/2 hrs our texts, cell is very spotty. The non-communication put me in a state of anxiety & irrational feelings of panic, sobbing, chest pain. I know this is the aftermath of such infidelity and trauma of betrayal but I HATE it. I'm starting to calm now but feelings of this is not fair for me to relive such pain and not be able to initially, rationally calm myself makes me so sad, so angry. I do not want to feel this way. Agh....
He just called on a friends phone and we skyped but our phones/email aren't working.
I should be able to stay in the present, be rational, but this is the aftermath of the trauma I have been thru. As people on here have said, you can't go around it, you have to go thru it.
I feel drained. I'm proud of my husband. He wasn't defensive, mad at me for my crying reactions, he was there for me. I know he loves me very much.
Thanks for listening. I feel better now.


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 573 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Forgivingnow)))

I'm sorry you are struggling. I have had a couple trips out of the country were contact was nearly nonexistent for a few days. It makes it so much harder.

I'm glad your H was there for you when he could finally make contact. I hope that his reaction will help you feel more comfortable in the future.

Also remember you dont have to sit in those feelings alone. We are here for you.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2403 | Registered: Aug 2012
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Chico. I can't imagine no contact for several days. We give each other cards, I would need a lot of cards/letters to open while we were apart with no contact.
He was there for me. Shortly after we skyped the phones started working. He sent me a text that said "I adore you. Don't be scared honey. I got you. I promise. You're mine." I texted him..."I had an emotional reaction/anxiety to not being able to contact you. Irrational, yes. Controllable, no, I tried. Proud, no. Proud I got thru it, yes, very. I know you love me and I love you."


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 573 | Registered: Oct 2011
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are winding up the end of one week-long trip, but then he has another possible week long+ trip in a week or so.

It is rough -- but can I say, we finally got Facetime to work, and it has been so cool. Seeing him actually makes a big difference (we still talk all the time, much to his company's chagrin). And, it doesn't hurt that I get to hear how beautiful I am (and I can tell by his face that he means it.) It is super nice just to get to see his smile.

So, if you aren't doing Skype or facetime, and you can, do it! It helps. I can't believe he's been doing this for 8 years and this is the first time we've done this.


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1301 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time posting on this thread.

My WH travels all the time. He's been gone since Sunday. I'm traveling this weekend to see him - I'll leave from there Monday morning to return home. He'll be home the following Friday night and will leave again on Sunday for another week long trip. I will see him for two overnights during that trip though.

I trigger hard when WH is traveling. Always wondering. Always scared. Skype would be great except he used that to form of communication with OW when he was traveling (never with our children and I) so it's a HUGE trigger for me, and I'm just not ready yet.


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