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Reconciliation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Support for Couples Separated by Travel
VeryUncertain
♀ Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like an egghead on Facetime. I'd rather just talk on the phone. Clearly, my self-esteem nosedive has not been completely rectified.

Are these bad signs:
a) Yesterday, WH called me at about 9:30 saying he was sitting down to dinner with an old (male) colleague...who never ever stays out past happy hour?
b) Today, WH is going out with "Lisa" and some people...and I started to clarify which Lisa and then decided I didn't even care?

I say this a little tongue in cheek as I don't think he's really doing anything wrong. But...it's just interesting how things change. I used to count the days/hours until he was home again and now...now I'm fairly detached and indifferent. I can't decide if that's really sad or just healthy(ier).


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Positive attitude - that really stinks! But, maybe you'll be ready to claim it for yourself some day? Or use facetime, which is a little different.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great thread...traveling WS (and BS) does make things more difficult, but like others have said, it does get better. Calling him in the morning to "wake him up" helps. We talk while he is in his room on speaker phone. It helps if he answers the phone right away...we don't text that much if he is on a trip. Checking credit card account, flights and hotel bills helps also. My worry is not that he is picking up other women but that he is with the one OW. I feel more vulnerable if he is driving. He mostly flies but this week is a driving trip to a destination in another state. this particular place is a trigger for me. One month after dday, he drove to this destination, worked 2 days, but checked out & drove to our home state a day early to spend the night with her, then came home with his bags "from his trip" the next day. I found out b/c my gut was telling me to check and charge card and hotel bill confirmed it. But he has made this trip several times since that happened 4 years ago and I am better with it this time.

Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bionicgal - I doubt I will ever be able to claim Skype or any other communication of the like with him. I asked him for years when he traveled to set up a webcam for our children to communicate with him. He never would always claiming the connection was too slow, etc.

Then all last year when he was traveling (and she wasn't with him - rare) he was Skyping with her, but never our young children who missed him and would cry themselves to sleep for him.

Sorry . . . It just makes me angry to even think about. I do wish it were something that could be claimed, but it might be something that never can be.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PA...Although I think this is so very awful...so blatantly putting the OW before family...including kids, but it IS typical of the compartmentalization that WS do to protect themselves from the guilt. Just curious...does he realize he did this?

Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he knows he did it, but he refuses to speak about it. He gets short-tempered and angry when I bring it up. I know that's the guilt and self-loathing talking (if my husband ever prided himself on anything it was being an amazing father - he doesn't have that anymore).

WH told me one time that after DDay when it seemed that he was choosing OW over us it was because he felt like he was making the best of a terrible situation. He thought he had destroyed us, made his bed, and she was all he deserved.

I think he was foggy with his head up his arse when he said that, but if it makes him feel better to rewrite affair history to her detriment - who am I to argue?


Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he was foggy with his head up his arse when he said that

absolutely...I have long accepted that what my H did was completely 100% for him...his own needs. I am not even sure it is correct to say he put OW above me. Also,like you said, he can't face the fact that he put his needs above his kids. My H is the "good guy." In his mind and the perspective of outside onlookers, he is the protecting, sacrificing husband and father. Mostly he IS but I have always known that even that part of him is self-serving.
No one else in our family or circle of friends knows about his A history...he is safe unless he does this again. Unfortunately, now I see that self-serving side of him and things have changed.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VU:
I know what you mean about the ambivalence between whether you just don't care enough or you do trust him more. Or are you more detached. I would want to talk with my WH about both of these things. How long until he is back? Would it help to talk about it before he returns? Also, what are the ground rules for his travels and dining out, and providing you with a schedule? My WH travels out of the country regularly for work, but he has also been fabulous since D day about telling me his schedule and any deviations from it in advance.

FaceTime or Skype would seem to help in this situation too- you can see where he is, what is in the background.

PA:
That is terrible. I am sorry that you deal with that trigger around something that could be really helpful to your R. Have you tried it anyway with the kids? just to see if it is comforting to you or is too triggering? It has the benefit of you seeing the background and what he is. It also keeps your kids linked to your WH. I have found that photos are super helpful to me in seeing where my WH is and what he is doing. And I realize now that during his A, he was able to compartmentalize me and the kids by minimizing his communication with us during the work week, and during his travels.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
bionicgal
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Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H is headed out on another trip -- for 7 nights. A long one, and he will be in India, so the communication can be kind of hilariously spotty. (There are lots of reasons why calls can't go through some times. . the recordings are a riot.)

He also has to take anti-malarial medication which makes him feel crappy, and is generally exhausted the whole time.

This is week away #2 in a month, and the week in between was very, very busy. Tough time.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear, BG. I totally understand. The last three months have been crappy for us, filled with travel and meetings scheduled over weekends.

Hang in there!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1451 | Registered: Jun 2012
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H has traveled for years. Many unknowns have happened...None will ever be known.. He took OW on business trip and lied for 8 months about it..He drinks and eats out every night when traveling..And lies about those. Referred to them as meetings,...For the last year, he has been home. Only Driving travel, which I went with him.....We are in a better place, but the roller coaster does visit still..H has stopped drinking, by 90 percent..Making other behavior improvements....We recently found out his travel will start again. Lots of it. One travel location is to a gambling facility....I know we have now accomplished nothing..Everything is the same..Same doubts, mistrust...We just havent been living it day to day...I know it will not be good. WE will have many arguments, about the same things...I am almost glad he will be gone if thats the repeat pattern.. Instead of anxiety, I feel glad.. He promises not to eat out, or drink...It was a great pleasure for him..I dont believe it at all..He has to do these projects...I hate that the career is non negotiable. In his line of work, he could change companies, but would travel with the new one also.....Im just ready for a break in the stress. Why cant it be different? Because he is doing the exact same things on location.
Also, our daily phone calls are the same..How are you? Have you eaten? How are kids? Bye..Every single day...I am more upset after the call then not getting one....I cant check records at all, and most times he will not answer his phone, or texts..Doesnt hear them. I remain in the dark always.....ANd now, it sounds good..I am numb .I have accepted the career offers many opportunities, and will never go away... I am tired of calling, and chasing and asking...I get nowhere. Its all company controlled...I will rest..and not answer the phone..SOunds childish, but having that short conversation every single day is upsetting more then anything...Its insulting and robotic. And he feels hes done his duty. I am angry, there is no solution.. I forgot to mention, this facility is in a summer resort, boating commmunity...Party city. Every day ..For maybe year and half? I am very angry..Just venting and realizing this is forever. Because there will always be another project. The anger is partially cause for the disconnect. Its coming back. These are really long projects. We remain in limbo. for many reasons.
ANd all this is coming up, just when we had gotten to a better place...Then wham...had a very bad weekend...I havent even talked about that yet.. I cant.....Now he will travel... Damn Damn Damn.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:29 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 891 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
VeryUncertain
♀ Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BG - it's so hard. I'm right there with you. Sub in Asia for India. You know, where OW1 lives (and still works...with him). Annoying, to say the least. If nothing else, the time difference is a killer.

Cancun, I'm sorry to hear. It is so rough when they travel all the time. Either you have a good time while they're around but then (poof!) they're gone again or you have a bad time and then you want to flog yourself (and him!) endlessly. It's crappy and I'm living it right now as well.

It will get better. Or you'll give up on R and start a new happy life. Either way, it will be ok! At least, that's what I keep telling myself.


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cancun - Gently, that doesn't sound like transparent behavior, at all. And honestly, R is hard enough when the two parties are engaged and trying hard and there is travel, what you are describing seems incompatible with healing. No wonder you are frustrated.

Are you in MC? My H's affair did not take place when he was away from home, but he did kick it off with an email he sent (and continued email for a week) when he was out of the country. His travel gave him a worry-free zone to communicate with AP secretly; I don't know how he kept us both straight.

So, now we do stay in pretty good contact - multiple emails a day, texting when possible, now facetime. My H does eat out with clients (rarely women), but no drinking. (That is new since dday, but he was never a partier.) He works hard to stay connected, and I update him with pictures, what we are doing, etc. so he feels plugged in.
And you know, it is still hard!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow.
I didn't even know this thread was here. But I can not tell you how glad I am that it is!!!
Dh has taken a job about 2.5 hours drive from where we live. It is a very good opportunity for us. So we are making it work. He is staying with a relative Monday through Friday. He comes home on Friday evenings. This was our first full week of these changes.
It's harder than I thought. I am sad to say, I had my first trigger in YEARS and not just one but a few. I don't know what bothered me more, the trigger itself, or the fact that after 8 years that they still exist.
For now, this is how things have to be. For several reasons it isn't a good time to move.
I will have a lot more to say but for now, I am just so happy this thread is here. I was going to post a big reconciliation thread about it because I could use some help sorting through things. But this is perfect. Thanks.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44404 | Registered: Sep 2006
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Metamorphisis)))
It would be great if this thread was in the ICR forum so people know where to find it when their spouse is traveling.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 604 | Registered: Oct 2011
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, dh just left. I think I am quickly coming to loathe Sunday evenings. He could have stayed for the night and left in the morning, which he might do in the future. However, the drive would be awful and he'd have to leave at 5am so it seemed kind of pointless. The hard part is making the most of the time we have. We both said we woke up this morning thinking "only x hours left" and we all mentally counted down all day. It's hard to relax, or feel present when you are counting down the time until someone leaves.
I am hoping it gets easier with time. I also kind of hope it doesn't if that makes any sense. I mean we fought so hard for this relationship.. I don't really want to imagine a time when it's just normal to be apart more than we are together.
As far as accountability we are doing well, and communicating well.
My batshit crazy trigger moment was on day one. We chatted about his day and his new boss. They are a team of three in their department. Dh, his male supervisor, and a single female that is the same age as us. F'ing fabulous. I did NOT expect the panicky, irrational, frantically googling, shakey reaction I had to that let me tell you. There is never a time where you relish the thought that your partner will be spending signifigantly more time in a week with a female coworker than yourself. It's espically unpleasant after infidelity let me tell ya.

But here's the rub folks. I sure as hell didn't spend all this time and effort reconciling and rebuiliding to live in a metaphorical prison of my own design. If he, or I for that matter, want to cheat there are many ways and opportunities. I am here because I truly believe that isn't who we are or what we want. More importantly I believe if it were to happen again my path would be clear, and I would be ok. More than ok.

So there it is. It's still so new. I imagine I will need this thread a lot.
It's hard on everyone, not just from an infidelity standpoint but even more from a "How does our family work now?" standpoint. It's hard on the kids, it's hard on me, it's hard on him.. heck ..even the dog wouldn't eat. Sigh. Here's to hoping that it gets easier.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44404 | Registered: Sep 2006
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Meta)))

It does get easier with time!!! I promise.
I have been doing a week at home a week away pretty much all year. The anticipation of leaving is still the hardest part but even that has gotten better.

Before Dday Broevil and I used to say that it was nice to have opportunities to miss each other, so saying it does kinda have a bad taste. But there is some truth to it. We definitely put effort into increasing the anticipation of coming home too. Lots of flirty "when I get home..." kinda stuff.

Trying to make the most of the time at home and really reconnecting and staying connected is so important. There is nothing worse than leaving again thinking "so soon, we just wasted the last few days".
It takes a lot of mindfulness.

Just because its been 8 years doesn't protect you from the return of the metaphorical prison especially when experiencing a new life challenge. Its ok to need to reprocess some things, not just internally but together as well. I am sure it would be a good exercise to reestablish agreements on boundaries and reassurance.

It does take time.
We are here to help
Sending thoughts and prayers


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Meta)))
It does get easier with time, the crushing anxiety lessens. It is so important to stay as connected as you can while apart. Texts, phone calls, Skype....we also have a "love" email folder where we keep things we've written to each other while apart...it is very helpful to go back & read those when I start getting anxious. I give my husband cards to open when he is away. We may go overboard with our communication while he's gone but it makes me feel safe, both of us feel loved & I know he's thinking about me. We also use the app Tiger Text...to keep things exciting & private while he is gone.....
Sometimes I still get the irrational fears/anxiety, I wrote about it in this thread last month. The trauma of betrayal hits you without warning sometimes.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 604 | Registered: Oct 2011
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Staff started a thread in ICR for you all


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=526482


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197250 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 160
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