Are these bad signs:
a) Yesterday, WH called me at about 9:30 saying he was sitting down to dinner with an old (male) colleague...who never ever stays out past happy hour?
b) Today, WH is going out with "Lisa" and some people...and I started to clarify which Lisa and then decided I didn't even care?
I say this a little tongue in cheek as I don't think he's really doing anything wrong. But...it's just interesting how things change. I used to count the days/hours until he was home again and now...now I'm fairly detached and indifferent. I can't decide if that's really sad or just healthy(ier).
Then all last year when he was traveling (and she wasn't with him - rare) he was Skyping with her, but never our young children who missed him and would cry themselves to sleep for him.
Sorry . . . It just makes me angry to even think about. I do wish it were something that could be claimed, but it might be something that never can be.
WH told me one time that after DDay when it seemed that he was choosing OW over us it was because he felt like he was making the best of a terrible situation. He thought he had destroyed us, made his bed, and she was all he deserved.
I think he was foggy with his head up his arse when he said that, but if it makes him feel better to rewrite affair history to her detriment - who am I to argue?
I think he was foggy with his head up his arse when he said that
absolutely...I have long accepted that what my H did was completely 100% for him...his own needs. I am not even sure it is correct to say he put OW above me. Also,like you said, he can't face the fact that he put his needs above his kids. My H is the "good guy." In his mind and the perspective of outside onlookers, he is the protecting, sacrificing husband and father. Mostly he IS but I have always known that even that part of him is self-serving.
No one else in our family or circle of friends knows about his A history...he is safe unless he does this again. Unfortunately, now I see that self-serving side of him and things have changed.
FaceTime or Skype would seem to help in this situation too- you can see where he is, what is in the background.
That is terrible. I am sorry that you deal with that trigger around something that could be really helpful to your R. Have you tried it anyway with the kids? just to see if it is comforting to you or is too triggering? It has the benefit of you seeing the background and what he is. It also keeps your kids linked to your WH. I have found that photos are super helpful to me in seeing where my WH is and what he is doing. And I realize now that during his A, he was able to compartmentalize me and the kids by minimizing his communication with us during the work week, and during his travels.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
He also has to take anti-malarial medication which makes him feel crappy, and is generally exhausted the whole time.
This is week away #2 in a month, and the week in between was very, very busy. Tough time.
Hang in there!
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:29 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]
Cancun, I'm sorry to hear. It is so rough when they travel all the time. Either you have a good time while they're around but then (poof!) they're gone again or you have a bad time and then you want to flog yourself (and him!) endlessly. It's crappy and I'm living it right now as well.
It will get better. Or you'll give up on R and start a new happy life. Either way, it will be ok! At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
Are you in MC? My H's affair did not take place when he was away from home, but he did kick it off with an email he sent (and continued email for a week) when he was out of the country. His travel gave him a worry-free zone to communicate with AP secretly; I don't know how he kept us both straight.
So, now we do stay in pretty good contact - multiple emails a day, texting when possible, now facetime. My H does eat out with clients (rarely women), but no drinking. (That is new since dday, but he was never a partier.) He works hard to stay connected, and I update him with pictures, what we are doing, etc. so he feels plugged in.
And you know, it is still hard!
But here's the rub folks. I sure as hell didn't spend all this time and effort reconciling and rebuiliding to live in a metaphorical prison of my own design. If he, or I for that matter, want to cheat there are many ways and opportunities. I am here because I truly believe that isn't who we are or what we want. More importantly I believe if it were to happen again my path would be clear, and I would be ok. More than ok.
So there it is. It's still so new. I imagine I will need this thread a lot.
It's hard on everyone, not just from an infidelity standpoint but even more from a "How does our family work now?" standpoint. It's hard on the kids, it's hard on me, it's hard on him.. heck ..even the dog wouldn't eat. Sigh. Here's to hoping that it gets easier.
It does get easier with time!!! I promise.
I have been doing a week at home a week away pretty much all year. The anticipation of leaving is still the hardest part but even that has gotten better.
Before Dday Broevil and I used to say that it was nice to have opportunities to miss each other, so saying it does kinda have a bad taste. But there is some truth to it. We definitely put effort into increasing the anticipation of coming home too. Lots of flirty "when I get home..." kinda stuff.
Trying to make the most of the time at home and really reconnecting and staying connected is so important. There is nothing worse than leaving again thinking "so soon, we just wasted the last few days".
It takes a lot of mindfulness.
Just because its been 8 years doesn't protect you from the return of the metaphorical prison especially when experiencing a new life challenge. Its ok to need to reprocess some things, not just internally but together as well. I am sure it would be a good exercise to reestablish agreements on boundaries and reassurance.
It does take time.
We are here to help
Sending thoughts and prayers
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.