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Reconciliation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Support for Couples Separated by Travel
bridar
♀ Member
Member # 34512
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh wow, what a topic. It seems that far too many couples have to deal with this issue.

For our circumstances, he is military, and I am ex, so I understand way too much what happens.

He was moved back in July 2011, to another province. That was hard enough. Nov 2011, I started finding out about one of his A's. WH got himself moved back to our province in March 2012. Different city, but same province. We usually saw each weekend, and were working on things.
In the end, we were R'ing. Or so I thought, things were absolutely fantastic.

We were still unable to sell our house, (which was why I am still here) and he still has an apartment in his city. But again, we were together most weekends. Last fall, he was on a course, working out of our home for 3 months straight.
How blind I was.....

He came home for this past Christmas, had his mother, and her boyfriend, with our two kids. Again it was fantastic.

Well, Early Jan 2013, he left for a course in yet another province, which was part of the course he was working out of our home for. He should be gone until end March.
Well, 19 Jan 2013, that was when he dropped the bomb. While he is still away, and again, I won't see him until end March..Good points and bad points.

Problem is, the last OW is in the city where he normally resides at.

Yup, things still up i the air...limboland


Me:41
WS:43
Married 19 yrs, together 22
2 kids 21/19
Feels like I am in Hell

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Canada
CML7
♀ Member
Member # 37636
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MCF

I completely feel you on the problem that the travel is hurting a R

It seems like me and WSO are either fighting in person or on the phone. Either sucks.

The past weeks we had a great phone conversation Thursday, then Friday he lost his mind and told me he did not want to see me, spent a week arguing when he was here and when he went back to work. Then Friday I decided there was no reason to see him for our date night. He begged me, we got into an argument on the way there, argued the whole time till like midnight.

Next day he was better, but then his Aunt Died (which I did not handle well because of another issue). He left here and decided to never speak to me again, then he called when he got to his place to apologize (me too, cause really I should have been nicer about his Aunt).

Then yesterday was a great day, because we agreed to drop the issues for the night. But this morning I stared getting triggered again, and feel like when we all there will be an argument. Cause we never came to a resolution in he issue, and the whole unresolved issues crap gets to me.


BS: 35
WBF: 28
Dday #1 11/25/2012 PA
Dday #2 02/02/2013 Dinner date with someone he met online.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Virginia
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is currently away on business.

Here is my guilty truth.

I am glad.

We have been in a difficult spot lately. I am triggering badly as I am in the throes of anti-versary season right now.

I also do not feel he is 100% remorseful. I mean he is doing what he should be but his attitude is not what it should be. He is annoyed by my triggers.

Therefore, I am glad he is gone. I am not even triggering while he is away. I don't care. I needed the break actually, a mental break.

I have an IC tomorrow. I need to ask her if this is normal, if I am normal.

Just a different thought to this topic. I usually am posting that I am struggling with it. :-)


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jun 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on my way home. I am going to be there about 4 hours earlier than I am expected. I still had an urge not to say anything and just show up to see if anything was going on.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Aug 2012
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My issues have come with now that he's in a city he's been going to bars with "the guys" even though he knows I'm not okay with it (I was ok with it before DDay). It's been frustrating and a huge source of tension...but he just keeps doing it. Does anyone else have issues with their spouse kind of having a little too much fun while they're gone??

My H has waaaaaaaay too much "fun" while he's gone. Because the job is physical and involves a lot of travel, he's also generally surrounded by co-workers who are male, young, and single. So it seems as though he feels he has to "keep up with the Joneses".....if they go out drinking and carousing, he seems to feel it's expected/acceptable for him to do the same, even though HE is mid-30s and married with 3 kids.

I was also okay with it before D-day. I actually ENCOURAGED it, because he and I are both very shy people and really don't have any friends....I was so happy to see that he was socializing and meeting people, that I was truly happy to let him go out with "the guys" while I was home with the kids.

Now I just feel like an idiot.

And he has continued to go out over the past year, and continued to get too drunk, and didn't feel the need to curtail any of this behavior until he got drunk and was robbed while overseas this January. NOW he swears he's not going to go out anymore. We'll see. He just left today for a week and a half on assignment in a warm sunny beach town which, pre-A, was a place where he had quite a bit of "fun"....so I'm going to wait and see what he does.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I encouraged it too. She is a SAHM and I am gone a lot. I encouraged her to find new friends. Their first date was taking our son to the park.

I don't feel like an idiot though. I was encouraging something healthy. She took it someplace else


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Aug 2012
cheerless
♀ Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Travel is a huge trigger for me.
My WH always complained how boring and unenjoyable it was. To make him feel great I'd wait up for him after his late flight home, save some dinner and have fresh sheets on the bed every time. Come to find out he was having sex in company-paid-for hotels followed by company-reimbursed dinner with his MOW on all his out-of-town visits. And then coming home to me where I would launder the clothes their DNA was all over. He even had dinner with her at a restaurant and took me and the kids to the same place a couple weeks later on our family vacation. I know that sounds trivial but every little bit of deception is like another dagger to my shattered heart.


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
watchtheskyy
♀ Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MCF, same here again. WH just turned 30 and he's with guys that are anywhere between 21 and late 30's. He keeps telling me it could be worse, that these guys go out every night so he could be doing that too (Wow, thanks for being so considerate there, hubby). I also encouraged it pre-dday because I don't think you should neccessarily get lost in your marriage. I wanted him to have his guy time even though I preferred being home around him.

Funny thing is this weekend WH got pretty banged up too Someone broke a stick on something and a piece got WH upside the head and gave him a pretty good cut...he felt pretty stupid the next day

I'm a SAHM with 3 little ones so I think I'm going to use a little more ME time when he is home. I want us to get back to that relationship where things are a little more fun again and if they are going to take advantage of it, we might as well too!

ETA: I don't find my fun acting stupid at bars but if he stresses me out while he makes that money, I might as well worry him a little at the mall

[This message edited by watchtheskyy at 3:52 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MFC & watchthesky

Have you discussed How going out with the guys makes you uncomfortable, with your H?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Aug 2012
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you discussed How going out with the guys makes you uncomfortable, with your H?

Repeatedly. However, I then cause my own problems by backtracking, because I feel guilty about not "letting" him go out. I was never THAT wife, the one who made her H stay home, who tracked him down at the bar and dragged him out the door, who called 50 times a night to check up on where he was. I never WANTED to be THAT wife. Plus, he's traveling probably 75% of the time, and he doesn't get to pick who he's with. I don't want him to be a recluse and shun all human contact just because of what random guys got assigned to the trip with him. And so I feel guilty when I express how uncomfortable I am with his behavior.

I much preferred being the cool wife.....the one who didn't mind her H going out, who KNEW it was alright because he would NEVER cheat on me.

Plus, if I am being honest, I have a fear that if I force him to choose between me and going out.....I will be left in the dust.

We recently had a conversation about strip clubs. Pre-A, no problem. Felt it was just one of those "guy things", harmless as long as it remained "look but don't touch", and I even went with him once. Post-A? Huge problem. I no longer wish to condone my H finding enjoyment/stress-release with other women in a sexualized, alcohol-fueled environment, chock full of women who have a financial stake in revving up my H's sexual thoughts/feelings.

But in the not-too-distant future, he will be headed to a location with a lot of strip clubs, and will be with an older co-worker who expects him (based on previous trips) to accompany him to these places. Now....I trust and respect this co-worker (on an acquaintance level, not a close friend level), and really do feel that for him it IS just one of those "guy things". I also don't think my H would do anything TOTALLY inappropriate in front of this man, because he looks up to him. But this guy doesn't know what's going on in our marriage, and that I am no longer the "cool wife" that I used to be. So he will still be expecting H to go out with him.

And I don't want him in those places.

But he is dragging his feet, because he doesn't want to tell co-worker that he won't be participating, or why. And I do feel for him....it's an awkward conversation whether or not the A is disclosed. And we have chosen NOT to disclose it. But on the other hand.....screw it, H is the one that put us in this position in the first place, he needs to put MY needs and expectations before those of a co-worker.

We didn't finish the conversation, and the trip is still in the future, so I'm left kind of "wallowing" in the fear/expectation that he will ultimately ignore my request and end up going out to a strip club. It makes me feel very unimportant.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And then coming home to me where I would launder the clothes their DNA was all over.

We burned every shirt I thought he had worn during the A trip. Big ol' bonfire in the backyard.

I know it wasn't all of them, and the pants he wore with the OW are all still here, but I guess as a symbolic action it was helpful.

I hated the thought of washing and folding clothes that had been crumpled on the floor of someone else's bedroom.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel like an idiot though. I was encouraging something healthy. She took it someplace else

I hope I can get to this point someday. I just can't get past all the times I told him to go ahead and go out, not only before the A's but during them as well.

Turns out the pre-A outings were pretty much practice. Mostly just hanging out with the guys, but lots of drinking and some flirting.

Then he went to the A location, with one of the LEAST respectable co-workers he has, and the floodgates just broke open.

Meanwhile, I'm talking to him on the phone, telling him it's GREAT that he's finally enjoying going to clubs, meeting people and hanging out at their houses, etc. He told me he was going to another city to sightsee, but when he got there he didn't really want to go out by himself so he just stayed in the hotel....turned out that last part was true, but the only "sight" he'd been hoping to see in that city was OW#2's naked body. But she gave him the cold shoulder, so he called home and complained to me about being lonely, and let me feel SORRY for him.

And even after D-day #1. He went back to the A location a week after D-day #1, and took the A underground. I felt so guilty about being "controlling" that I actually said it was OKAY with me if he went out sometimes!

I do feel like an idiot. A spineless idiot

And it hurts that it wasn't his boundaries that finally brought him to the point where he says he won't go out drinking and carousing anymore....and it wasn't my requests/demands.....it was having his stupid f-ing PHONE stolen that apparently gave him a "wake up call".

I'm really watching the GPS closely to see where he ends up on his current trip. Yesterday was day 1 and he told me the truth....they went to dinner, then Walmart, then back to the hotel.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH just turned 30 and he's with guys that are anywhere between 21 and late 30's. He keeps telling me it could be worse, that these guys go out every night so he could be doing that too (Wow, thanks for being so considerate there, hubby).

My H was the one going out every night. Ugh.


ETA: I don't find my fun acting stupid at bars but if he stresses me out while he makes that money, I might as well worry him a little at the mall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMOKlXfXn50


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I work in a very male dominated field. There is a ton of drinking, partying, and womanizing. In January we were at a meeting in the Dominican Republic. Of the 14 of us that were there 5 were actively cheating. Being around it can't be avoided.

BUT...I don't drink, I don't flirt, I don't cheat. I am never the first one to call it a night but I am always the second one. I put the minimum amount of time into that lifestyle that I have to.

Aside from a little bit of teasing, I have been told I am "the most respected person in the company." I am regularly referred to as "a family man". Not being one of the guys has earned me not only their respect but also a 50% increase in my compensation this year.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Aug 2012
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chicho - wish I could get my H to understand that getting drunk off his ASS in front of co-workers, etc. is hardly the way to earn respect. I don't know how to get that point through his head, though.

Last night he was out to dinner/drinks with the guys, and left after 4 beers, which I am actually quite pleased with (4 beers over 3-4 hours, I'm okay with that). He was the first one to go back to the hotel. I hope he keeps it up.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it was not a good night nor a good morning for my WH and I

His flight takes off in 10 minutes.

Today, I left before him without a goodbye. The first time I have EVER done that since dating. We always say we love each other before in case plane crashes.

He just totally disrespected me last night and its possible he is lying about his activities at the end of the trip. (What our fight was about.)

He apologized this AM for being disrespectful, but I am sick of this merry go round. He did not apologize for the questionable plans later in the trip.

It's not gonna be a good end of the week.

I should say that I left early this AM to run errands. I did so because our usual would be to just kiss, hug and say to have safe travels. But it is rugsweeping, IMHO, his bad behavior. I am done. The leaving on my part was a sort of 180.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jun 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Brokensmile322)))

I sorry his trip had to start off that way for you. I hope he gets his head out of his ass and is honest about his plans. I am proud of you not giving in to the "just in case" embrace. I haven't been in that position in quite a while but when I was I always caved.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Aug 2012
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a huge issue for us as WS is away from home at least 18 days a month.

I haven't read all the posts yet, but I just wanted to drop in and say hi.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
1Emptyglass
♀ New Member
Member # 37548
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my two cents on the subject of "guy time" when traveling. My FWH & I discussed this at great length after Dday. I said if he wanted the "single" lifestyle of drinking to excess and chasing after women he could have all that, but he couldn't also have me. I didn't want him to HAVE to change anything he didn't want to, but there are choices you make in life and there are consequences for those choices. I didn't want him to feel like he had to have permission, but out of respect we always tell each other when we have plans with friend such as lunch out or golf or whatever.
These same boundaries apply to me also. He wouldn't like it if I went to bars out drinking with the girls and getting hit on by strange men, so why would he do it right?
We talk often and that's the only thing that keeps me sane in this crazy long-distance marriage. So far the good still outweighs the bad. But the bad stuff still sucks.


Me-BW 44
Him WH 44
OW single 54 co-worker
Married 21 years at d-day
kids: DD21 DS 17

Posts: 34 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: CA
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for the support!

This is a great thread!

I don't know what to think and so I am not going to. You know, at almost a year out. I am finally at a place where I am starting to realize I can't control my WH. If he wants to cheat, he will.

I'm taking a sleep aid and calling it a night!

Thanks all!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 160
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