Definitely hard being apart over a day that has significance, whether a good one like a holiday, or a bad one like an antiversary.
I've told him that I need to have lots of contact via text, phone, skype, etc. but on his last trip when he broke NC we were doing that then, too. I had no idea that he was still in contact with her at that time.
Plus, she knows that he is traveling this week and I found out that she will also be "heading somewhere warm and sunny" this week. I don't think in the same area but what do I know? Even if she isn't in the same area, she could try to initiate contact knowing I am nowhere near.
I scheduled an IC session for this week knowing it would be a hard week. I'm not sure my IC is really working for me though. It is good to talk about it but that is all that it is, me talking. I haven't been going for long but I hate the thought of going through the whole thing again with a new IC though.
So, my plan is to try to keep busy this week as much as possible. I have a spare room (junk room) that really needs to be cleaned out. That should pass some time and keep my mind from wandering too much. I hope.
I'll write a lot more about this when I get back, but in the meantime...
--communicate. every day. without fail
--run your life as if your spouse is in the room with you. not a bad rule for life in general tbh
--look for opportunities to share interesting things that happen
--recognise it's scary.
--do what you can to ease fear and worry, even if it means being on the phone all night
--drop everything else immediately if your spouse is frightened. No excuses from either side.
--become each other's best friend - send a thousand stupid texts rather than 1 big one a day.
[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 4:48 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]
Luckily my next business trip I get to take TG with me!! AWESOME
I was impressed when my H asked for a different position (after d-day#3) within his company that would require less travel and he was granted the position. He was home for about 6 months at first and we were able to talk for hours every evening and our R really accelerated. Now he's having to travel more in this new position which we knew was coming but yeah, like many other BS's, he has to go to one ofnthe places he had his A on a regular basis and it is very hard on both of us.
I also start to get anxiety a few days before. I have gotten better, but sometimes I find myself spending hours going through his home office and the boxes in our basement looking for more evidence. I become a raging, out-of-control lunatic and I will usually find something to (temporarily) hang him with--a flight receipt, a restaurant receipt I deem too expensive for what he claims, you name it. I get all worked up and put him through hell and he's often 2000 miles away, in meetings and can't defend himself or deal with me.
We have been working in MC how to deal with the triggers of his travel but this thread helps me more! Hearing everyone's similar struggles.
Knowing now that he lied to my face so many times, even lied in texts about where he was and who he was with, to the ultimate betrayal of coming home to me like he was Mr. Faithful while I was home taking care of our two small kids is like a knife in the gut.
Thank you for starting this thread! Hugs to all of us struggling with this issue!
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
I have been away from home for a couple days. I woke up this morning from an A nightmare. It felt so hopeless, alone, with no one to talk to. I could have called but my fws was just about to get the kids up and start the morning routine.
I sent a text just saying nightmares. I got a couple nice ones back. That should hold me over until we can talk in an hour or so.
Thanks for keeping this thread alive.
All of my trips had kind of a security blanket. Almost every night away was planned with DD12 being home. It was highly unlikely that men would be invited to the house if she was home. I know, if a cheater us going to cheat, they will find a way. But it gave me a little sense of comfort.
I am leaving Saturday for a work trip to las Vegas. DD12 is away at camp. I wouldn't call what I'm feeling anxiety just an uneasiness. Thoughts of high school waiting for parents to go away to through wild parties. I am not the parent of my fWS and I try not to be. I hope she doesn't see me as such and have the urge to rebel.
I know that the point where bad things happen is when obsession and opportunity meet. I don't sense any obsession at all, no distancing, no distraction, which makes me mostly at ease. But just that little bit of increased opportunity is toying with my mind.
I think those are the 2 biggest things we do is 1. Have a routine and expectation on communication and 2. We let each other know what we are going to be doing. I am sure you already have this down as the OP, but thought I'd throw that out.
About 2 more weeks and no more travel for me, new job and town for TG and I. I have only had a travel job for 2 years and honestly I don't know how ya'll regular travelers do it long term. I love flying and travel, but will be glad to get out of sales and back to a routine I feel more comfortable with.
Here's the thing I decided in my case. At some point we can't parent them, be the policeman. You acknowledge this. I made the announcement to WH this week that I could no longer be the "bad guy" and try to control any waywardness in him. It is too exhausting and was distracting me from moving forward with my own healing. It's time for him to firmly hold to his boundaries as an adult husband and worthy partner should. It's up to him. He can continue to practice what he has learned without a leash. In doing that, both he and I can move to an adult-adult relationship. He craves this, as do I.
You love your wife, that is clear. Maybe this separation is an opportunity for her to show you for sure she is truly fWW and that she is the partner you deserve.
Skype, text frequently, call each other, comfort each other. Whatever you need. Maybe this is a steppingstone to a better place.
Wishing you a peaceful heart.
I can relate to your post in the sense that I have had a few of my own 'security blankets' in place during travel the past year.
The past few trips, the band aid was ripped off, so to speak, and I was left dealing with no more security blanket in place.
It was hard, but you know what? I ended up coming to the conclusion that So Very Sad came to as well. I can't control my WH. It was actually a very freeing thing. It came right in the middle of WH's trip, when I was still trying to control, and I finally just stopped and said to myself that I could not care anymore. It was making me a mess. I thought about myself. I realized that I am stronger today than I was back on dday or even when the A was happening. I am a different person now. I know I will never go through this again. I don't want to live scared anymore. I put it back on my WH. I put the responsibility back on WH. His fidelity is his issue and I can't control what he does. I will be ok if he messes up again, but I won't be with him.
I think my WH senses my shift in thinking. I haven't verbalized it. I think it scares him actually. I think he is sensing my independence. I feel great.
Maybe this trip is where your band aid will be ripped off. It really feels so great. The heavy burden is no longer on me.
I hope this will be the same for you. We are here for you. I have no doubt that you and broevil will do great during this time!!
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
The first year after Dday he hardly traveled at all and if he did I went with him. I continued to travel with him during the second year but started to be less anxious as he has shown to be remorseful and transparent.
Almost four years out and I am relaxed when he travels now and even more important, he works hard to arrange his schedules so he is home as much as possible. During the A, he was never around.
I still travel with him when he goes to OW's country but it's become a chance to sightsee and do things together when he's not at work. Now we stay over weekends enjoying the hotel ...
Almost four years out since Dday and the anxiety and worry about travel is pretty much gone and new habits we've developed - texting, SKYPING, emailing schedules, etc. - have really helped. Pre A, two or three days would go by and we wouldn't communicate because H was in a different time zone and I was busy working. Now we talk every morning and every night, at minimum.
Traveling adds a whole different stress to infidelity, but as SoVerySadNow wrote:
It is too exhausting and was distracting me from moving forward with my own healing. It's time for him to firmly hold to his boundaries as an adult husband and worthy partner should. It's up to him.
There came a point when I decided I can live with or without my H and he needs to do the work to keep me here. It is exhausting to be on 'high alert' all the time and that is not the way I choose to live. If my H decides to cheat again, I know I'd eventually find out and I'd be just fine, on my own.
Each year has gotten better for me as I've grown and changed. Time....there's that word again......
The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.
It does get easier with time and watching the growth in your WS. It is not debilitating like it once was. At 19 months out it is like a minor trigger now.
There are a lot of great suggestions throughout this thread to help ease you mind while he is away. Don't be afraid to ask him for what you need. He should be willing to do whatever it takes.