My W and I decided to start trying for our first child in October. When she told me she was pregnant on January 1st I was ecstatic. My high was short lived when a week later she told me that she had an A in early December. My W insisted this was a one-time event and that there is no contact between her and the OM. She met the OM at a gathering at her friendís house (male friend). Her friend (Iíll call him Bob) has always rubbed me the wrong way and his friendship with my W has, at times, been emotionally abusive. She swears that Bob is not the OM, but I have my doubts. I was completely wrecked for the first week after she told me, but after talking with her and reading countless posts on this forum I began to cope.
I decided that I want to forgive her. I told her that she must cut ties with Bob and begin seeing a therapist (mostly for childhood trauma and anxiety). For the past 3 or so weeks I felt like my W was making progress with her therapist and that we were starting to openly communicate again, but I just recently found out my W had another secret.
While paying our monthly bills I discovered that my W is planning to get a noninvasive prenatal paternity test. I confronted my W about this and told her that I thought it was a good idea to get the test done, but wondered why she hadnít told me. Apparently she has already contacted the OM, through Bob, to provide the comparison DNA??? This confused me and now I feel betrayed again. To top it all off I noticed she was secretly sending some texts messages last nights. Through the phone records I found she was text with Bob until 2am last night with me in bed next to her.
Well this puts us up to date. Iím feeling more confused now than when she first told me about the A. I havenít confronted her about the late night texting. I feel bad about snooping around, but feel it might be best to get this all out in the openÖ. Any thoughts???
Thanks again in advance.
<3 wonderful children involved <3
DD 4/18/2010 ~ 3 month affair that ended 6/20/2010!
Working on a reconciliation, but it is still hard!
With that being said, go get tested STD's. I know you don't want to hear about that, but you don't get to pick whom your WS slept with! Take care of yourself, this is going to be the most horid ride you can admagine.
Keep anything you find concerning the A. You might be heading to the D, and it will come in handy. I'm not saying it will, but you need to plan for the worst and hope for the best (COVER YOUR ASS). Also talk to an L, so you no the laws in your state, because they are all differant.
Really think about the timing on your confortation, I sure wich I would of, but I didn't find this site for a couple of months after my DD. Some of the long timers will be able to give youo some more advice, they know what they are talking about!
Again I'm so sorry you're here, lots of hugs.
Thanks for your response. I have suspected Bob and WW of having an EA for some time now. I've been going through phone records today and I'm just now realizing how much time they have spent messaging each other. I understand your point and will confront my WW this weekend.
Thanks for your concern and I have already gotten tested. As for timing, I'm a pretty tactful guy.
My W tells me she doesn't have OM's contact info, but you are completely correct and this is why I'm feeling betrayed today. My W says that testing with OM was the therapists idea as a way to spare my feelings, but as I type that out it sounds awfully suspicious.
My 20 year old son is is not my bio son...he is the product of a ONS the wife hsd on her 21st birthday....I was working my dick off...fell asleep in a chair at her party at my MIL's house...she got a bug up her as and called xBF aka fuck face...who is also her current OM....GRRR...
This fucker has been circling my marriage like a vulture our whole married life....should have shot him when I had the chance...
Long story short...She was sorry as hell...and I wasnt going to leave her pregnant with a baby...so I manned up ...put my name on his BC..and never looked back ...my only regret is that wifey told fuck face....he split town and never sent her so much as a dollar...after DD W admitted to him sniffing around every few years...but she alwsys rebuffed him...
But she turned 40...her mom died of cancer...her doc put her on atteral....and she looked fuck face up on facebook...we were at
a low point.....they had a pity party....started an EA...that turned into A PA ....
Needless to say...Im not sorry at all that DS is my son....Im sorry I didnt shoot fuck face 20 yrs ago....lol
[This message edited by Paladin at 9:49 PM, February 8th (Friday)]
"When you understand the nature of a thing, you know what its capable of"...musashi...the book of five rings
I was struck that, one week after telling you she's pregnant, she tells you about this one-night stand.
She hadn't told you about it in the intervening month. So her motivation for telling you is because she needed to explain the possibility of it not being yours. At least she did not wait 9 months to spring that possibility on you.
However, I get the feeling that she has given you the most self-exonerating and improbable of stories to cover herself.
She meets a mystery man, no way to contact him, but immediately has sex with him, just that once, and now must get his DNA via Bob, on the advice of her therapist. This clandestine operation to spare your feelings involves hours of text messages. Because they need to plan a sting operation in which Bob will invite mystery man over for a beer, and then, using latex gloves, place the bottle in a bag to be swabbed for trace DNA.
OR perhaps she and Bob have been sleeping together and concocted a story that would cover her if the child is not yours, while making her seem like a loyal wife who made a one-time mistake.
The only thing they left out is that actually the mystery man slipped her Rohypnol, and so your wife had absolutely no culpability at all.
I believe your wife is operating in a panic state at the moment. It is possible that Bob has quasi-promised that if the child is his they will ride off into the sunset together.
I'm sorry you find yourself here but you've come to the right place for support.
Your WW has likely adopted the nasty behavior known as TrickleTruth, or TT as we call it here. She's not giving you the whole story, and she's clearly hiding things from you that you have to discover on your own.
Listen to your instincts, and don't let her cast doubt on your own mind or heart or intentions. All my experience here tells me that there's a 99.9% probability that "Bob" is the OM and she's lying to protect him.
It's time to protect yourself, and to let her know in no uncertain terms that she is either to be all in with transparency (email, phone, computer, all passwords go to you for access at your discretion) or you will be making some very hard decisions about the direction this marriage is going. I know it's so hard to act strong when your world is shattered. We have compiled some resources to help you along the way. I highly recommend you check out the 180, and that you read up on what real reconciliation looks like. She's not nearly there, but I hope that with time and help she can get there.
What is the 180?
Before you say reconcile..
You will survive this, but it will be a lot easier if you take good care of yourself, and don't let her cake-eat. You can do this. We're here for you.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
You should not feel bad about snooping. Liars lie and cheaters cheat. You are not snooping, you are verifying. This should be something she offers - it helps us learn to trust them again. I've been verifying for 5 months now - Internet, phone, "find my iphone app, locations, receipts and since I've found nothing in all this time, I finally feel more comfortable and find I don't need to verify so much anymore.
You need to know OM's name and personal info. She invited a man into your marriage and you deserve to know as much about him as she does.
You asked her to go NC with Bob as he is no friend of the M. And yet she's in contact with him. She is not behaving like she is remorseful. And I struggle with the competence of a c who advises lieing to the bh about anything. It sounds like WH is covering her ass.
When you're ready, write out your conditions for R and decide what the consequences will be if she violates the terms. Have her send a NC letter to Bob and you get to read it first and watch her hit send.
You were awfully quick to forgive. I only recently forgiven my H and that was after 5 months of loving, secure and honest behaviours that helped me get this far in my healing.
R is extremely hard work but totally worth it if both spouses work on it and share the same goal. My H told me last week it was the greatest, most selfless gift anyone's ever given him. I needed to hear that.
Welcome...and I'm glad you found your way here...
[This message edited by NoraLee at 10:30 PM, February 8th (Friday)]
I confronted my WW about the text messages to Bob this weekend. She quickly became defensive and insisted that the communication was strictly to coordinate the paternity test with OM. I told her I didn't believe her since there were 40 messages sent between them. She was getting increasingly defensive and knowing that I wasn't going to get anywhere I changed the topic to the OM. She again insisted that OM was a friend of Bob's, she gave me a name, and told me she has no way of contacting him. I've got to say I almost believed her.
In the last 3 days I've been on "verifing" mission, with one short break to get a paternity test with my WW. I started by pulling out all her old cell phones and reading through the text messages. I have access to her email accounts and read through every single email she sent and received from Bob, including messages from his friends. I noticed there was no direct correspondence between my WW and Bob's friend. My exhaustive efforts turned up nothing! Her emails and texts where all dull and short, no detail, and no flirtations. I started feeling a bit better, as if maybe she was telling me the truth. This is until today when I had access to her current phone. Not suppressing her text message history with Bob has been cleaned out, but she overlooked the fact that her phone keeps a short history of all deleted messages. Although the history only shows a small portion of the original message I was able to, with almost 100% confidence, determine that Bob is the OM... The guy was planning on coming into our home before heading off to the paternity test together. When my wife told him I knew about the situation his first response was "are we ok?"!!!!!
I'm not really sure where to go from here. Since my last confrontation with my WW didn't go so well I'm planning on just sitting on this new information. At least until I know I can talk to her calmly (no accusations) and give her one last chance to come clean. She has an IC appointment tomorrow during which she said she will be working on a NC letter for Bob/SOM.
I'm trying to keep my head strait and concentrate on my own things. I'm tired of the ups and downs at this point. I feel like I'm back to square one. I'm planning on going to IC in the coming weeks.
The funny thing is, I still love my W. I know what we are capable of, but I need to know that she is taking the proper steps before I can even thing about R. I felt like the IC was doing her some good, and felt that she was truly remorseful. On the bright side I should know next week if the baby is mine or not.
Thank you all for listening and commenting. Until I start IC this is my only place to vent and rant.
One question tho. I know things are rough with me and my WW right now, and realize that she is also dealing with a load of guilt at this time. I'm trying to be somewhat sympathetic to that, but am finding it difficult to be TRULY supportive to her. My question is how should I handle her feelings when I'm in so much pain myself?
"are we ok?"!!!!!
You DO understand that this is code for "we're still having an affair and I want to keep it that way" don't you? Your wife didn't just have sex with this guy 1 time, and she's still deep in the fog and nowhere near ready to work on R. She hasn't even given you the guys name yet, she's still lying equals you're not in R.
And for dealing with her feelings when you're in so much pain, you simply don't. She has to deal with her own feelings. She has to feel those things, she has to really FEEL the pain, the guilt, the anguish of what she's done to you. If you try to coddle her, comfort her, protect her from feeling those bad feelings, then she may never be remorseful, never change her ways, and you'll be facing more DDays with more OC's down the road. Much like you must go through the stages of grief and really feel these bad feelings in order to get to the good ones, your WW must do the same.
I think in your case you have not really gotten all of the truth, so buckle up and be prepared for more to come. Your wife does not seem remorseful at all, and she is hiding the truth about OM, which is most likely Bob. She is trying to protect him instead of taking your feelings to heart. I also believe this A is NOT over. Too much communication, at minimum still an emotional affair.
You cannot "nice" her into telling you the truth. Doesn't work. You need to set up consequences and boundaries and stick to them regardless of the situation. She is playing ping pong with your life, she is holding all the cards, while you are grieving, and she and Bob are chatty.
Sorry, CP, too many red flags here.
Please read the articles in the healing library and read as many posts as possible. You will begin to understand the depth of her betrayal and that dealing with the aftermath is going to be an extremely painful roller coaster....for a very long time.
Be good to yourself, drink plenty of water, eat, get to your doctor for temporary meds if you have difficulty coping. Get tested for STDs.
Keep us posted, someone will always be here to listen and support.
She sounds as if things have NOT been cut off entirely. She is NOT being transparent. Unless she gives you answers to all your questions...and you are convinced 100% that her answers are truthful...there is little chance of reconciliation. But who would want to reconcile with someone who continues to lie and "mindfuck" like she is doing. Good luck CP. Post here often for support. You will get a wide variety of advice from different people. One thing is common here though...we all relate to your pain.
Last night was an emotional marathon, but feel that I now have the full truth. As such today is my DDay.
As I said in my last post I was going to hold off confronting my WW with the new findings in order to ensure she didn't become defensive. Well, last night she began asking about how I was feeling. I started off slowly telling her that I was still very much in pain. While I was talking I began to clear my mind of any and all emotion in order to calm her and ensure her that there we no accusations being made. Before I began the confrontatoin I told her that if I were to ever forgive her I would need to know exactly what it is that I'm forgiving. Then the truth began to flow like water and as painful as it all was to hear I never judged I never pushed I just asked and encouraged. Admitting that Bob was the OM was easy, she told me the PA had been going on for 8mo (she was hazy about this) and the EA had been going on since before our marriage. I can't say I didn't know about the EA, but wanted too much to be the "progressive" spouse and just trusted she would know when a line was crossed. I accepted what she gave me, and we talked for another hour before I tried again to get the FULL truth.
She admitted that the PA had started a year before our marriage, and has obviously continued until now. She even admitted to sleeping with him in our home. I won't go into any further detail about the A now, but I feel pretty satisfied that I received the truth. She told me that she has given me the full truth and her IC only has 50%-75% regarding the A.
At this point I'm feeling both as low as I think I could ever get, but also happy that I received the truth. I would never have guessed the enormity of this situation and am in utter shock. I will with out a doubt seek IC to help me come to terms with all of this.
I am setting a NC deadline of today. My recovery will be dictated by me. Physical contact will also be on my terms for a while. She knows and understands that I can not trust her and that I will not forgive her cheaply. I plan to work on myself first and try to sort all this out before trying to pick of the pieces of our marriage. I will not coddle my WW, but will try to be understanding when she is pain. As you all said, "I can not nice my WW back."
I can't help feel my marriage has been a lie. Anyone else go through an A that began pre-marriage and continued on for years? How do you get over the thought that maybe you don't know your WS anymore? We just celebrated our 4yr last week...
Bob needs the fucking BOOT...like yesterday....is he married?
I can't help feel my marriage has been a lie. Anyone else go through an A that began pre-marriage and continued on for years?
Apparently she has already contacted the OM, through Bob, to provide the comparison DNA???
IMHO I would make sure it is your DNA used and not the OM. Not to create anymore doubt but with all the lies you've been dealt it might be worth ruling yourself in or out since there could be a 3rd OM for all you know.
Best of luck to you.
Thanks for the support. I'm still not grasping the enormity of my situation, but hope that with IC I can at least start to see the tip of the iceberg.