Can I trust again? It will take me a long time. I do know I have to trust myself. The hardest to accept is that the trust I had, the ability to not worry about him having an A are gone. At this point I canít say I donít worry about him cheating. If this does not fade I know the M canít survive. I canít handle living wondering what he is doing. It is not a life or a loving marriage. I hope to get back to the place I was before the A Ė trust and knowing he will not cheat.
Gotta love the life that we livin'
cry to the therapist about how the world did you wrong...
Anyone who has gotten support for self-pity in therapy has gotten some bad therapy. A decent IC will listen - and then move the client toward changing. The point of IC is to become more functional, not to become more satisfied with being dysfunctional.
IC isn't a cure-all - IC for a WS doesn't help a BS who wants R unless the WS's goals include R and unless the WS is willing to do the necessary work.
I hate to sound holier-than-thou, and I know that I do when I say I would never have cheated on my husband.
It's a fuckupedness that I can't attribute to anything other than what your IC said, "he wanted to and he could." Some folks have that sense of entitlement regardless of whether their Foo was good or bad.
It feels sort of liberating to accept that my husband cheated because he wanted to, it felt good, and he was selfish enough to go forward with two affairs. The possibility of my pain if I found out wasn't a strong enough deterrent. Because he wanted to cheat. Knowing that, I can put down a lot of the crap about his whys. His whys are for him to sort out. I just need to know that he won't betray me again. And, frankly, I will never "know" that again, after what he did.
I appreciate your post. It totally helps me.
But the truth for me is in my situation (WS is a SA) it is imperative for him to acknowledge what was going on in his head when he cheated. He has to figure it out for his recovery. Him being a SA and having sex with only hookers doesn't make the pain any less.
I may never know the whole truth, but he has admitted so very much to me that he didn't have to and he is working so hard to repair this mess and fix himself that for now, I have to accept I know enough to move on.
Does it still hurt like hell? yes! But the why of it all doesn't seem as a way to ease my pain anymore, but it is important for the marriage as a whole.
If they don't recognize why they cheated or what was in their fucked up head at the time,then they won't know how to stop it from happening again.
THE BOTTOM line is that my husband cheated on me....because he wanted to do it....PERIOD. now, i can sit here and go on all forever about why he did it...he needs ic, he needs help....he needs this and that to figure out the why.....blah, blah, blah....he cheated becasue he wanted to. and here is the dirty truth:
I agree with everything you said including the dirty truth.
No Why or Excuse or Explanation is going to make me feel better and I no longer care to know. What my WH showed me through this ordeal is how broken of an individual he actually is.
He IS someone that I never thought would be capable of doing the amount of damage he did.
That is the answer to the "why" question for me. I am enough. I deserve better. I need to remember that
I've said and believed from day 1 that my WH did what he did because at the time it was worth the risk to him. He hates when I say that but that just means there is some truth to it.
It hurts like hell to know that talking to and spending time with OW was worth the risk of hurting me and losing his family. Especially because he claims she meant nothing to him. In my mind there's just no other way to see it. I still don't understand why he felt that way and he'll never admit why to me or himself anyway so....ugh I hate this feeling so much.
I personally needed to know the whys of my wife's affair to understand her problems, to see changes in my wife, to see changes she was working on, to call her out if she was failing, to trust myself in spotting trouble, to trust my wife she will not repeat history, to have hope.
Whys, excuses, explanations, reasons, - it doesn't matter to me what you call them. IMO, they are all hinge points, all cause and effects. The bigger question is, which of them do you place your finger on and attempt to fix? I believe belief based problems are the ones to fix.
[This message edited by still-living at 8:38 PM, September 16th (Tuesday)]
I don't know how to ever recover from that. I don't want to live without him, but I don't know how I will ever not be devastated by this.
I want him to work out how he allowed himself permission to do it and thought it was acceptable to try to minimise the risk of him doing it again. But now I know he is capable of doing it, I question myself everyday why I stay. Stupidly as usual I guess I love him more than I despise him and his actions. But then I always think I loved him more.
I just don't want to be in this anymore, not the marriage but my life.
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
This thread tailed off right around my first Dday, before I discovered SI.
(((StunnedMullet))). Hang in there. Sometimes its just so hard to take, isn't it.
[This message edited by Crushed15Feb13 at 10:29 PM, September 16th (Tuesday)]
I do want the "whys" and the "hows". I think she needs to find this out in order for her to heal and in order for me to see that there will be some measure in safety with a continued relationship with her. She started an EA with a COW that she supervised. Within 3 months it had moved to a PA involving touching and kissing. I became convinced that something was very wrong. I confronted. Lies and more lies. I convinced her to start IC. She did. Six months later sex started while she was in IC. IC the day of the first sex (1.5 hour appointment before meeting him). IC 3 days later - another 1.5 hour appointment. The IC subtley gave her permission to continue with adultery and "go all the way". The f**king continued on a minimum of once weekly basis (every night when travelling together) for 3 more years. It ended. Why? She got tired of him. Not morals, guilt, conscience epiphany. There were no cell phone records because she told him not to phone her. He was seperated from his 2nd wife because she caught him committing adultery through cell phone records. There was only sex. No gifts, no closeness, no tenderness, no little gifts, no dinners, nothing. Just get together and f**k and don't make it last very long.
So, the "whys" and "hows" are important to me that she find out for her healing and to provide me with some sence of safety with her. (Never completely safe again..ever again..or with anyone else, either.) The big reason or why is that she found him physically attractive and he was "nice" to her. He made her very horny. There was opportunity because they worked together and travelled together and his place was 5 minutes away from work. I t was well considered and thought out. It was a deliberate and conscious decision. The first physical touch was 3+ months after awareness. The first sex was 6.5 months later. Lots of togetherness and enjoying each other on the sly to get to that point. Then 3 more years of very frequesnt and regular sex - all of it taking less than an hour together and most not much more than 1/2 an hour. A few nooners. Opportunity, desire, lust, I want to, I can get away with it, so I will do it. Even when my BS confronts me and I lie and deny I still think that I can get away with it. Those are the real "whys".
Like I said, I hadn't seen this thread before. Thanks for bringing it forward. It supports what I have said to my WW. I am not alone thinking this. Many people have issues. I think most people have issues. Only some feel they have the right to find a soother elsewhere.
And, I agree, all the why's and reasons are simply excuses.
Worse those excuses mentioned are all simply a way to blame the Loyal spouse.