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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Question for BS's Reading This
Nothingspecial
♀ Member
Member # 38387
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, looking back I thing having kids allowed me the excuse to try R as I felt a fool for wanting to try, I thought this was always a deal breaker for me and I'd kick him to the curb and never look back, big words but when it came down to it I was surprised at how much I still loved him and wanted to stay together, I pacified myself with the belief it was just for the kids, to give myself permission to stay, until I was ok with my decision.


Me BS 35
WH 33
Married 10 years
3 amazing kids
OW, ONS
We were soul mates
Trying to Reconcile, it's not for pussy's.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: UK , living in Canada
britt91
♀ Member
Member # 37809
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the process of actively reconciling..

BUT to make that decision, I removed our son from the equation. With or without fWH, I would be a wonderful mom. With or without me, fWH is a great dad..

I wanted to make sure that I would be happy in 15 years, when DS left the house. That was how I made my decision.


Me: BW-22
Him: fWH-22
D-Day: 10/13/12
DS-3
Baby #2 due September 2, 2013!

Decided to R--Still new to it...


Posts: 89 | Registered: Dec 2012
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initially, yes it was only because of the kids. I knew I couldn't keep it emotionally together the first few days to care for them properly so I allowed him to stay in our family home.

After watching WH work on his issues and actually attempt to do what I needed him to do (with some prodding from me) I actually allowed myself to believe that I am in this for myself.

He is not perfect, but he does try very hard to do the right thing. Hopefully he continues on the path.

I do know that if he does have another affair I am stronger now and will not hesitate to divorce. I know that I deserve to have a faithful and loving partner.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
bluecali
♂ Member
Member # 35135
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a big factor, but by no means the only one.


Me-BH
DDAY 12/1/11
Separated and uncertain

Posts: 398 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Elm Street
stillcrying4ever
♀ Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grown kids so they are not a factor. Trying to R because I love him. It's so hard.


D Day May 27, 2012



Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, looking back I thing having kids allowed me the excuse to try R as I felt a fool for wanting to try, I thought this was always a deal breaker for me and I'd kick him to the curb and never look back, big words but when it came down to it I was surprised at how much I still loved him and wanted to stay together, I pacified myself with the belief it was just for the kids, to give myself permission to stay, until I was ok with my decision.

This for me as well. I am going through the process of D now. The kids and fear initially pushed me towards R with my STBXWW but eventually her inability to change, rugsweeping, and inability to do the work helped me get over my fear and move towards D. Will it suck for the kids, yes, but it will suck less than them staying in a broken marriage that just gets worse over time. Also I was not to thrilled to have them grow up in a house and think to lvoing adults never hugged or touched each other. Better to come from 2 seperate homes than one completely broken home imo.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1902 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
hardtotake
♂ Member
Member # 38172
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as I love my wife, I am staying in the marriage (for now) because of our daughter. I'm having a daily struggle to decide what to do but my daughter keeps me in the M one day at a time.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Married 13 yrs., together 17.
D-Day #1: 1/2006 (EA)
D-Day #2: 1/2013 (PA/EA)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: DFW
wifeno2
♀ Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably would have tried to R after the first DDay, mostly out of shock. But not the second. I have stayed for the youngest child's benefit.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here, who later became a WH during R at my WW's urging. She thought it was part of the process.

We didn't have kids at the time so that was not a factor. What we did have was a marriage vow that even adultery was not automatically grounds for D, so R was always a required first step by us.

The way WW played it out, there were plenty of grounds for D after all, but I didn't let her off the hook that easy.

Still married, decades later. Wasn't easy, I think R can be the hardest, best road. Sure was for me.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
TXwifemom
♀ Member
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only because of the kids.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
Irishar
♀ Member
Member # 35760
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have no children together and we are trying. Guess it depends on the cause of the infidelity and wether you care enough and are strong enough to try. I feel each person makes their own decisions on what they feel is right for them at the time.


Be true to yourself

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Saskatchewan
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had three kids under age 9 on DDay. If we had none, I guarantee it would have been over THAT DAY. But our story is a bit on the extreme side. I cannot imagine why anyone without kids to consider would stay with infidelity as extreme as our case.

I am not attempting R "for the kids". I want to be able to tell my kids, if we do D, that I did everything in my power to save the M and the family unit. I understand I am taking the risk of losing their respect for attempting R with a man capable of what he has done, if/when they ever find out, even if it is their father.

I am taking a huge risk staying at all, and you better believe I am positioning myself for the best outcome for me and the kids if R fails. And I am prepared to leave the M, at a moment's notice, if I ever feel they are not in a setting that is in their best interests at this time. And their best interests include what is best for me, indirectly. And WH knows this, and will leave if I ask. It is one of many consequences he has had to face as a result of his choices, and he greatly cherishes any possibility to have a second chance.

So yes, I would have left if there were no children. And yes, I didn't think we would get this far, but I had to try. If there was not dramatic improvement, I would not still be in the M. And when it's all said and done, I still can't guarantee I will still be in the M in the future, regardless of whatever improvements have happened.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had three kids under age 9 on DDay. If we had none, I guarantee it would have been over THAT DAY. But our story is a bit on the extreme side. I cannot imagine why anyone without kids to consider would stay with infidelity as extreme as our case.

I am not attempting R "for the kids". I want to be able to tell my kids, if we do D, that I did everything in my power to save the M and the family unit. I understand I am taking the risk of losing their respect for attempting R with a man capable of what he has done, if/when they ever find out, even if it is their father.

I am taking a huge risk staying at all, and you better believe I am positioning myself for the best outcome for me and the kids if R fails. And I am prepared to leave the M, at a moment's notice, if I ever feel they are not in a setting that is in their best interests at this time. And their best interests include what is best for me, indirectly. And WH knows this, and will leave if I ask. It is one of many consequences he has had to face as a result of his choices, and he greatly cherishes any possibility to have a second chance.

So yes, I would have left if there were no children. And yes, I didn't think we would get this far, but I had to try. If there was not dramatic improvement, I would not still be in the M. And when it's all said and done, I still can't guarantee I will still be in the M in the future, regardless of whatever improvements have happened.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2011
Crumbled324
♂ Member
Member # 33902
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here. It definitely made an impact on my decision to R. On DDay my 4 ysar old daughter and keeeping her world glued together is all I could think about.

We went through the agony of the failed fertity gauntlet Before deciding to finally adopt. I still cannot belive my FWW would so selfishly jeopardize the family we stuggled so long to have. I stayed becaused my daughter deserved me to fight for the family I promised her when I committed to be her father. She has had in her life a Birth Mom, a Foster Mom, and a Forever Mom. I'm the only Dad. I'll be damned it I'm going to give up and walk out and let some other man raise her.

Now... had we no kids. This would have been the final straw. FWW has used the A behavior as some kind of twisted coping mechanism far too many times in our realtionship. The time before this I said the next time it happens I would walk. Then we had a family... and I'm still here.

[This message edited by Crumbled324 at 6:55 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]


BH: 46
fWW: 45
Beautiful 8 year old daughter
Married 22 years, Together 28 - High School Sweethearts
Reconciling

Posts: 87 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave FWH a chance to reconcile with me because we still had a young adolescent child at home. I also love him, but I don't know if I would have given him the chance if we didn't have a child at home.

I am glad I gave him a chance.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9628 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Drew_n_Va
♂ Member
Member # 31043
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have given this a lot of thought. A lot. I would not have stayed only for my three kids. I chose the R path because that held the best possible outcome for my kids. I am thankful every day that I stayed and this wasn't the dealbreaker I always thought it would be.


Me: BH 50
her: fWW 41
Married 19 years
3 Beautiful Kids (14,8,6)
D-Day: 1-26-11
Status: Reconciled
"From Happy to Separated to Divorcing to living together again in 16 Days."

Endeavor to Persevere


Posts: 425 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Va
notsurehow
♀ Member
Member # 38307
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would probably have tried after D day, but the lies that followed would have been a deal breaker if we didn't have kids. I have to at least try to keep their family together.


Me-BS
Him-WH
Together 27 years, married 18
2 Affairs, same OW 24 years ago and 2010-2012
3 young kids
DDay 11/12/12. NC broken 12/27/12 and 1/6/13

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jan 2013
whatlysbeneath
♂ Member
Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here,

The first few days I was in a shocked daze.

The kids were definately a BIG part of why I desperately wanted R. I just could not accept the fact that my familys life was over as I knew it. I was still under the illusion that my W was who I wanted her to be not the person she is.

The odd thing is I wanted R more then than WW, now WW is justified in her concern that D may still be in our future.

The TT continues along with the deceptions even though the deceptions now have nothing to do with A's, just how she chooses to live her life.

I am stronger now and now believe that the kids will somehow be okay if their mother decides not to do the work required to be a healthy person/wife.

If I discover ANY indication in the future of my W moving toward another A then I am GONE!!


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, there were a lot of factors that I considered to try and explain her behavior, and a long history together, and based on that I decided to work through it and try to R. No children were involved. Probably would have worked, but she did not work on herself, and ended up doing it again after 4 years, and that was it.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here.
I took WH back because I didn't want our 4 kids to live in a single parent home.
If we had no kids, I would never stay with someone who would do something like this to me.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Dec 2012
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