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User Topic: Question for BS's Reading This
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Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initially yes, even though our daughter was 21 and away in college and living her own life. I still wanted to protect her. WH had always been a great dad. I didn't tell her about the A until 8 months after DDAy, because she was home and overheard us was a really bad arguement and I thought it was the end of I figured it was time she knew. Anyway, once she knew it kind of was a relief, because I had felt like I was "acting" every time she was with us. Now she knew why I hadn't been myself. She told me she would understand if I left him...and so once that was said I no longer had her as a reason to stay. Then it became clear that I wanted to try and R because I love him.

Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12

Posts: 155 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
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Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The kids are the reason I believe that I didn't end it on d day. I don't know if we will make it through this, but I need to be able to tell my kids (when they are adults) eventually that I did everything I could to preserve our family.
Edited for clarity

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:43 AM, February 14th (Thursday)]

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we had not had children, I don't think I'd have reconciled, but the truth is you don't know.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I certainly don't think divorce is the worst thing for kids. At all. Toxic marriages are, especially those where one spouse continually craps on another. This is a huge reason I'm considering D right now. I'm wondering if it'd be better for the kids given the things WH has done to me/us. When I write that I think, "nope, not staying for the kids."

On the other hand, if we had no kids, I would have said adios at D-Day 1. Because WH and I are rockin' co-parents and I love us as a unit, I decided to give him another chance. Part of why I love him so much is our parental awesomeness. If that wasn't there...I don't know.

This is not to say that I stayed (or might choose to stay) ONLY because of the kids. But they are sort of the bottom line, all things being equal factor, you know?

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
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Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With my first H, I did try to R for some time (over 2 years) because we had three kids together.

Ultimately, after he was given another chance he cheated yet again, with yet another OW. I filed for a D two days after the final D-day in that M. Our youngest kids were only 2 and 4 at the time.

In my current M, we do not have kids together and in fact, blended family issues were more destined to break us up than to keep us together. However the kids were mostly grown and gone by the time of the A and they were not an issue that would have any impact on us staying together, or not. The reason we successfully R'd was because he was immediately and extremely remorseful, and I was able to forgive him. I'm glad I did. We are closer than we have ever been (6.5 years later).

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
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Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first thought was of our children. Although they are all adults (late 20's, early 30's), I did not want them to feel this kind of pain. I went through this with my parents when I was in my teens and it was terrible.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table on D-Day, in shock, saying "the kids will absolutely hate you." I knew I needed time to sort through what I was dealing with and I chose to keep it between us for the time being.

The other factor in not telling them is selfish. I'm the type who comforts everyone and this is one time I need to focus on myself. If the kids knew, I know I'd put my own needs aside to help them heal.

It's not always easy. The passage of time has helped. Our R is going well but my H knows that if there's ever the slightest slip-up, all bets are off the table.

So, for now, I guess it can be said that our kids saved our marriage as they were my first consideration in dealing with this horrific mess.

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Mar 2012
♀ Member
Member # 35013
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm choosing to work on my marriage. But I'm choosing this with the thought that my children didn't ask to be here. I don't want to D if I haven't completely worked towards making things better. I don't want them to look at me, either way, and see someone who is broken and doesn't work on things. My oldest son knows - I do know I am not still here working on things because he knows. I'm here because I choose to try to save something that can possibly be saved. And I am trying incredibly hard to see my WH as someone who is broken inside and not someone who is evil and purposefully hurt me.

That all being said - I still don't know if we will be together in the end. It's a lot to handle. I will say, tho, that if I had known he cheated in the first year of our relationship (he got a blowjob from his ex on the day before her wedding and then took me to her wedding) I think I might not have stayed with him and in the end not married him.

WH 54
DD1 7/21/08, over a year to get the whole story out.
Married 22 1/2 years - together 24 1/2 yrs
4 kids
Trying to R
No one should know more about your life than you. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? God, I hope so.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Mar 2012
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I would have walked away by now if it weren't for our kids.

And to clarify: I'm not a believer in staying "just for the kids". I will not stay in a toxic marriage, only to teach my daughters what an unhealthy relationship is. I have had a few friends/family suggest that it's always best to avoid divorce, no matter what, and I do not agree with that. I fully intend on having a healthy, happy marriage again someday, but I'm only putting in the amount of effort to keep our family together.

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our kids were grown and out of the house by Dday. So, from my point of view, they're not the reason we're reconciling. I wish to recover a semblance of the relationship we had before she chose to cheat.

It still seems like the appropriate decision to me now, almost 3 years after Dday.

Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's definitely a factor for me. Our DS wants and needs both of his parents, and even though he's made it clear that if we separate I'm his choice, I do feel like it's better for him to have both of us.

If we hadn't had him, this would have been over a decade ago, so he would never have gotten the chance to destroy my self-respect.

Me (BS) 42 - Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1; DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2; DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger. A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Member # 33170
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we had no kids I would've packed my bags and left that night. Trying to R, but I still feel like the kids are the only reason I'm still here.

Me:30 BS
Him:30 WS
Three loving daughters
D-Day: August 15, 2011 with his co-worker

"All I wanna do is trade this life for something new, holding on to what I haven't got"

Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: maryland
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I had known that his first A was a PA instead of an EA, then I probably would still have stayed and tried to work in out. We didn't have kids at that time.

Knowing the full truth and throwing in two LTA's, I can say for sure that the kids kept me from leaving immediately. Although my WH is a SA and I have maintaned throughout that I will not subject myself and my kids to living with a SA who is not in recovery. And we have been separated because of that.

Me-BS (41)
Him-SAWH (41)
Together 25 years, married 21 years
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!

Posts: 856 | Registered: Feb 2010
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Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm divorced, but I would have filed MUCH sooner if we hadn't had kids. In fact, I would have filed 20 years ago when he walked out on me, and not waited so long for him to come home, or given him that second chance, if we hadn't had kids.

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
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Member # 34080
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto for originally agreeing to R because of the kids. In the aftermath of Dday I did not want to R and felt obligated because of my kids and their individual needs. Divorce would have been really hard on them. Fortunately, my FWH did the work and was extremely remorseful so that 4 years later I am content with my decision to R as the right thing to do. I love my FWH very much, he is a good man (again) but there will likely always be a part of me that is reserved and not open to loving him. I love him enough but not as much as I did before his A.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2011
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Member # 38215
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, February 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having kids was a part of the equation. He had left and was living with the OW at one point. And though he never introduced them to her, I thought about that happening.

The first time they got in his car to "spend a day with dad" and I sat home alone...was a hell of a day. My whole world drove off that day.

I wanted to raise these kids with him...and I didn't want to lose them on holidays and every other weekend. I am not sure I could bear it. And in our house...I'm mom. I remember the towels and bug spray and hair brush and elastics and extra socks and a sweatshirt and permission slips, homework projects, birthday parties....that wasn't his gig really. The kids needed me. And truth be told so did he.

The kids were part of reconciling...yeah. But...I knew he loved me too. He was deluded, saying he didn't, hadn't, and didn't feel loved. But...I knew it was fog. Of course he loves me. Hello. I never believed him when he said he wasn't in love with me. I just insisted that I would love him enough for the both of us until he woke up from whatever mid-life crisis he was having.

He did wake up. And...I'm glad. I love him. And he wrote me the nicest letter for Valentines day. Essentially saying our best years are ahead of us, and that nurturing our family has been great, but he's looking forward to those years, YEARS together.

And I am too.

BW, reconciled since 2009,
Him 42
Kids 3 Teens

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: NY
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Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, February 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kind of... They're all grown but I still didn't want to show up at weddings, holidays and grandchildren things separately... Our kids would be heartbroken if we split, even now...
I stayed because after his second affair I said to myself, "in sickness and in health." he was sick, simply broken. maybe still is... But I'm giving him the opportunity and time to get better....

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5332 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♂ Member
Member # 34131
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, February 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here,

The ONLY reason my wife is still in this house is because of my two children.

If I had no kids, she would have been gone, day one, no doubt.

I have vows to my wife and kids to protect and support them, and I owe it to them, not her, to try and keep it together for their sake.

She is the one that threw it away with the A, and they shouldn't have to suffer any more heartache than necessary.


Me, BS-54
DD, 1/9/2011

Posts: 180 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
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Member # 30198
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can say for certain I would not have tried to R if we didn't have a child together. In our case, I'm not sure the infidelity would have happened if we had not had children, though. That was the start of a downward spiral for my WW

Kids, and money......or I would have never laid eyes on WW ever again.

BH-42 WW-40 DD-5 DD-9 DD-11
D-Day 09/27/2010 Wayward wife had a 10 month A with married DB co-worker Separated Oct. 2013

Posts: 709 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Canada
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Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I have stayed because of the kids. Mostly because I don't trust wh or his family to take care of them during his time with them (cookies and pizza every night is NOT a healthy diet!!!) and because I hate the thought of missing out on time with my kids because of him.

I also refuse to allow ow2 anywhere near my children so if we split and he went back to her I would probably be in big trouble....

That said I believe we never would have married had we not gotten pregnant with dd in the first place. I think it was because our parents both insisted we marry before she was born that it happened.

I was willing to leave after ow1 (ea) even with dd until I found out I was pregnant with DS one week to the day of setting him up by replying to his personal ad. We nearly lost dd and I feared the same with DS. It was a terrible pregnancy like dd but not as bad and DS wasn't in the NICU. Cheater or not I wanted him to have as much time with his son if things went bad.

Posts: 3217 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
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Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kids were the deciding factor. I could not imagine some other woman raising my kids part-time. I don't need WH for the money, I have too much self-respect to stay with someone who would cheat on me for two years and lie to my face. BUT I don't want to lose my kids half the time. It was the trip to the divorce attorney where the reality of joint custody was brought home to me that promted me to reconcile. I never in my life imagined I would stay with someone who would treat me liked WH did, but then again, I also never imagined loving my kids so much. It's tough, it's always the sacrifice - just the opposite of affair behavior.

Posts: 631 | Registered: Sep 2012
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