PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!
DDay 4-25-12 Reconciling
[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:43 AM, February 14th (Thursday)]
Married for over 15 years 2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
I certainly don't think divorce is the worst thing for kids. At all. Toxic marriages are, especially those where one spouse continually craps on another. This is a huge reason I'm considering D right now. I'm wondering if it'd be better for the kids given the things WH has done to me/us. When I write that I think, "nope, not staying for the kids."
On the other hand, if we had no kids, I would have said adios at D-Day 1. Because WH and I are rockin' co-parents and I love us as a unit, I decided to give him another chance. Part of why I love him so much is our parental awesomeness. If that wasn't there...I don't know.
This is not to say that I stayed (or might choose to stay) ONLY because of the kids. But they are sort of the bottom line, all things being equal factor, you know?
Ultimately, after he was given another chance he cheated yet again, with yet another OW. I filed for a D two days after the final D-day in that M. Our youngest kids were only 2 and 4 at the time.
In my current M, we do not have kids together and in fact, blended family issues were more destined to break us up than to keep us together. However the kids were mostly grown and gone by the time of the A and they were not an issue that would have any impact on us staying together, or not. The reason we successfully R'd was because he was immediately and extremely remorseful, and I was able to forgive him. I'm glad I did. We are closer than we have ever been (6.5 years later).
I remember sitting at the kitchen table on D-Day, in shock, saying "the kids will absolutely hate you." I knew I needed time to sort through what I was dealing with and I chose to keep it between us for the time being.
The other factor in not telling them is selfish. I'm the type who comforts everyone and this is one time I need to focus on myself. If the kids knew, I know I'd put my own needs aside to help them heal.
It's not always easy. The passage of time has helped. Our R is going well but my H knows that if there's ever the slightest slip-up, all bets are off the table.
So, for now, I guess it can be said that our kids saved our marriage as they were my first consideration in dealing with this horrific mess.
That all being said - I still don't know if we will be together in the end. It's a lot to handle. I will say, tho, that if I had known he cheated in the first year of our relationship (he got a blowjob from his ex on the day before her wedding and then took me to her wedding) I think I might not have stayed with him and in the end not married him.
And to clarify: I'm not a believer in staying "just for the kids". I will not stay in a toxic marriage, only to teach my daughters what an unhealthy relationship is. I have had a few friends/family suggest that it's always best to avoid divorce, no matter what, and I do not agree with that. I fully intend on having a healthy, happy marriage again someday, but I'm only putting in the amount of effort to keep our family together.
It still seems like the appropriate decision to me now, almost 3 years after Dday.
If we hadn't had him, this would have been over a decade ago, so he would never have gotten the chance to destroy my self-respect.
"All I wanna do is trade this life for something new, holding on to what I haven't got"
Knowing the full truth and throwing in two LTA's, I can say for sure that the kids kept me from leaving immediately. Although my WH is a SA and I have maintaned throughout that I will not subject myself and my kids to living with a SA who is not in recovery. And we have been separated because of that.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!
The first time they got in his car to "spend a day with dad" and I sat home alone...was a hell of a day. My whole world drove off that day.
I wanted to raise these kids with him...and I didn't want to lose them on holidays and every other weekend. I am not sure I could bear it. And in our house...I'm mom. I remember the towels and bug spray and hair brush and elastics and extra socks and a sweatshirt and permission slips, homework projects, birthday parties....that wasn't his gig really. The kids needed me. And truth be told so did he.
The kids were part of reconciling...yeah. But...I knew he loved me too. He was deluded, saying he didn't, hadn't, and didn't feel loved. But...I knew it was fog. Of course he loves me. Hello. I never believed him when he said he wasn't in love with me. I just insisted that I would love him enough for the both of us until he woke up from whatever mid-life crisis he was having.
He did wake up. And...I'm glad. I love him. And he wrote me the nicest letter for Valentines day. Essentially saying our best years are ahead of us, and that nurturing our family has been great, but he's looking forward to those years, YEARS together.
And I am too.
me: 48 him: 51 4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."
The ONLY reason my wife is still in this house is because of my two children.
If I had no kids, she would have been gone, day one, no doubt.
I have vows to my wife and kids to protect and support them, and I owe it to them, not her, to try and keep it together for their sake.
She is the one that threw it away with the A, and they shouldn't have to suffer any more heartache than necessary.
Fire
I can say for certain I would not have tried to R if we didn't have a child together. In our case, I'm not sure the infidelity would have happened if we had not had children, though. That was the start of a downward spiral for my WW
Kids, and money......or I would have never laid eyes on WW ever again.
I also refuse to allow ow2 anywhere near my children so if we split and he went back to her I would probably be in big trouble....
That said I believe we never would have married had we not gotten pregnant with dd in the first place. I think it was because our parents both insisted we marry before she was born that it happened.
I was willing to leave after ow1 (ea) even with dd until I found out I was pregnant with DS one week to the day of setting him up by replying to his personal ad. We nearly lost dd and I feared the same with DS. It was a terrible pregnancy like dd but not as bad and DS wasn't in the NICU. Cheater or not I wanted him to have as much time with his son if things went bad.
