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User Topic: Support for BS that WS used prostitutes
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, if these men go to the prostitutes just for the sex, why did my husband go???

WR, I don’t think they all just go to hookers JUST for the sex, or maybe more accurately just for the sex act and ejaculation. It might be true to say most men do go for the sex/ejaculation. But there could be a myriad of reasons why a man pays for a hooker. Everything from voyeurism to a power trip getting someone to do his bidding which could be anything from dressing in a way that turns the man on, to dirty talking, or some kind of weird (socially unacceptable) fetish.

I was watching an American documentary last night, hope this is not TMI but it was about a (pay) sex webcam site staffed by morbidly obese women. The agency running this website has 400+ morbidly obese women on their books, so it’s not even that much a niche market, there is obviously a big demand for this. The men that use the website pay per minute or per 5 minutes and the woman he chooses has to “perform” for him in that allotted time slot, he dictates what he wants her to do. The performing the men ask the women to do varied from the usual sexual stuff to – well, can I watch while you clean kitchen naked or can I watch while you take a bath or talk to me like I am a naughty 6 year old.

If my husband asked me to dress up in a nuns costume, say 5 hail Marys and call him monsignor, I would tell him to take a running jump of a high cliff, but say something like this is really what gets a man off, what he fantasizes over more than anything else, then they can take that kind of behavior, those kind of wishes, to a prostitute. I have heard some really funny prostitute/client stories in my time, I don’t believe all of them, but if even half of them are true, men go to hookers with some really weird requests, which do not always involve the actual sex act or oral.

What about men who are “bottoms” (or whatever the BDSM term is) who go to prostitute “tops” and pay the top to let them (the bottom) clean the bottom’s bathroom and toilet? Paying to GET a toilet cleaned we all understand. Paying to be allowed the privilege of cleaning a toilet, most of us will (thankfully) never understand that.

I don’t understand it, no, but it DOES happen.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Sorry for the TMI) I didn't do it for effect - I just want someone to know how I feel - he tore up all our lives, and didn't even 'get off'!

Slight t/j - with both of the physical encounters my H had (one with the prostitute, one with a woman he met in a bar when we were separated and heading toward divorce) he didn't get off because he was too drunk. Nice. I tell him, you caused so much grief and you never even got off. Gah, can't even cheat right! I kid, but I'm at a place that I can at this point.

So, if these men go to the prostitutes just for the sex, why did my husband go???

In the case of my H, he went along with someone else because he was drunk, and I think on some level he looked up to this guy AT THE TIME and wanted to impress him. I fully believe he wasn't thinking oh yeah, I'm going to fuck some hot whore. It was more like, A-hole is a cool guy and so I'm going to go along with what he wants to do. Dude Bro. Testosterone. Male bonding and all that. Mixed in with a bunch of Crown Royal.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS went to whores because he is a SA,,it isn't even about the sex with them. So in my case and I am sure many here, especially the ones married to a SA it isn't because they weren't getting awesome sex at home or they wanted some fetish.
No matter why they went, it isn't anything wrong with US!!


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatsright, it is something lacking in HIM, not you! Please don't lose sight of that.
I know how hard this is to do.
We all have to remember that no matter what they did with them or how much it hurts, they are the broken ones that turned to meaningless, cold and from what I hear, mostly boring sex. My WS said they might as well have been blow up dolls. Dull, generic, nothing sex.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
bravebird
♀ New Member
Member # 38076
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep trying to figure out what he got out it. He used escorts the entire time we dated, but he supposedly stopped after we got married. That pause lasted until I was two months pregnant with our second child. When I found this out in January, the thought of it all was simply unbearable. Now I can think about it without it taking my breath away.

The answers I want are the ones he can't or won't give. Like why did he ever start and why did he resume while I was pregnant. I recently just accepted that he really didn't value me. He may have loved me, but his urges took priority. I may never know the whys. I do know I deserve to be valued. What that means for us? I'm still not sure.

[This message edited by bravebird at 2:58 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]


Me 39, (SA)WH 39,
Married 12 yrs, Together 20, 2 children
DDay 1/4/13

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2013
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Bravebird. It hurts like hell no matter what the reason. I do know that the reasons have nothing to do with us and we have to believe that.
They chose to do it, and they have to be a special kind of fucked up to be with a whore.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They chose to do it, and they have to be a special kind of fucked up to be with a whore.

If they weren't so screwed up and had any self worth, they wouldn't have to lower themselves to hookers. They really don't feel worthy of real women.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
agreensleeve
♀ Member
Member # 26210
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by agreensleeve at 9:43 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]


BS:53/FWS:59(LCFBastard)/M:33 Years
DDay: 25Sep09:Online Porn;2Oct09:Emails/PA w/Escorts 6 times from Apr 03-Sep 09.In IC/MC/R.
This is my quest,No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.To be willing to march into HELL for a HEAVENLY cause.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: CO
agreensleeve
♀ Member
Member # 26210
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma,
Anything that you specifically recommend? I know the things that are helping me but wondered what has worked for you?

Specifically: IC/MC and a FWH who accepted responsibility, admitted he needed help and got the help and did all the work necessary to kick the Porn and SA.

Specifically: Understanding and accepting that my FWH had a mental, emotional and physical deficiency that required the right kind of help. Understanding and accepting that even though we have been together more than 30 years, he is not me and will not react to situations the same as me. To understand that what he did, he didn't do to hurt me or directly to me, but he did it without any regard to me, my feelings, our marriage. To understand that what he did was all about him. All about his addiction and how to satisfy it.
Specifically: The WS needs to admit they have a problem, admit they need help and they get help and they do what is required of them to get healthy. Remembering they are human, they have faults, they are not perfect, they are so far gone that they don't know how to get out, how to ask for help because of the shame, guilt and addictive behavior.

It didn't happen overnight. Unless you could say overnight was more than 1.5 years and still counting. What worked for me may not work for you. But if your H is truly remorseful, truly ashamed, truly working on himself, you, your marriage/relationship, what the IC/MC is telling him to do and he does it. Sharing PWs, maintaining NC and has told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth then for me, I felt he earned my support, trust and love.

As for the truth listed above. I know there are details that he doesn't remember. Frankly, at this stage in our recovery, that's not important. But him not remembering details is not the same as him not telling me the truth. He has told me everything, he has been truthful.
Specifically: If he is doing everything required by you and the IC/MC. He is no longer living that lifestyle. He is putting you/your relationship first. He is a person you are proud of, then you have to decide if you truly forgive him and want to R. If yes, then, Specifically, you have to move on and not live in his past. Not bring up his past. It will always be part of your marriage history, but you don't have to bring it up all the time.


BS:53/FWS:59(LCFBastard)/M:33 Years
DDay: 25Sep09:Online Porn;2Oct09:Emails/PA w/Escorts 6 times from Apr 03-Sep 09.In IC/MC/R.
This is my quest,No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.To be willing to march into HELL for a HEAVENLY cause.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: CO
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH used hookers in Thailand when he was in the military and we were stationed overseas. It makes me want to vomit thinking about all the men those whores were with. I cannot fathom a person who would sleep with such dirty, nasty people.

I've been quiet on SI lately because I've been in a good place. I've been lurking, answering a thread here or there, but mostly trying to stay in off-topic.

I'm pretty down tonight. I just feel like my WH got to go out and live up his life, do whatever he wanted, and I got to sit at home in a tiny apartment, in a foreign country, with a baby, pregnant, and then with two children. I was stupid enough to think we were both making the same sacrifices, being married young and giving up on a lot of the stuff that people do during their twenties. Turns out I was the only one making sacrifices. He was living it up.

Sorry, just having a bad night.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1171 | Registered: Jul 2012
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy, your post gives me so much hope because I see my SAWS doing all of those very important things too. He has fully embraced his SA and his recovery and you give me hope.
This is especially hard for women married to SA but if they are willing to do the work, then I am willing to support him.

dameia

{{HGUS}} Believe me, we all feel your pain. I have days and moments where I think the pain and images of what he did may kill me, but what has helped me the most is MC,reading books on self esteem, coming here and always remembering it has nothing to with you why he cheated with a whore.
Men can separate sex from love, we all know they can and for some the temptation of no strings attached sex with a whore is too much to resist. I cannot imagine if I had a dick putting it in some of the nasty places they do, but we have to remember that it is not about us or anything wrong with us. Hope you are feeling better today.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Green - I love to have people post with specifics, because I think it helps so many of us struggling. You seem in a very good place in recovery. I have found immense support with CODA, COSA, a women's group at my CSATs, my CSAT and our MC CSAT. Many of the books I have been reading. I thought Your Sexually Addicted Spouse really helped me put words to what I was feeling. Claudia Black's new book and Stephanie Carne's new book. If I didn't have support around me, this would be impossible to navigate. My 2 best friends know and have been of immense support.

Tired -

Men can separate sex from love, we all know they can and for some the temptation of no strings attached sex with a whore is too much to resist. I cannot imagine if I had a dick putting it in some of the nasty places they do, but we have to remember that it is not about us or anything wrong with us. Hope you are feeling better today.

Not all men can detach themselves that emotionally to be able to sleep with hookers. That is the hard part for me to wrap my head around. I could never put myself that low to even associate with those people, much less have sex with them. It is a symptom of his disease that he was choosing hookers. Now in his right mind he knows that this shows how sick he really was to debase himself and our marriage that way.

brave - He might not have the answers, yet. It will take a lot of work on himself to come up with them. My SAWH also took a break and then started again. It is called white knuckling and until they get to the root of it, it will start again at some point.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing that's helped me heal the most is focusing on myself, and not questioning why he did the things he did (however, that had more to do with the follow-up nonsense after the escort, and not what happened with the escort). It took me two years of circling the drain and almost getting divorced before I learned to think about myself instead of always focusing on him. I had my own issues to work on though (don't we all?) I think IC is a great thing in addition to MC. In fact, we fared much better with both of us doing IC then when we were in MC together.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a symptom of his disease that he was choosing hookers. Now in his right mind he knows that this shows how sick he really was to debase himself and our marriage that way.

So, so true and my WS says the same thing.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping this up for the newbies who might need it.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1171 | Registered: Jul 2012
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you have your WS see the same prostitute more than once? That was a big fear of mine and something he lied to me about months about.
I was so drawn to this one skank for some reason and we all know the power of our intuition.

He finally admitted he had seen her 3 times. Well, that set me back to D-Day one. He swears it was because she was convenient and nothing personal about her. She lives only 3 mins from where he was working at the time and he said she was the only one he called that called him back and was available.

I try to tell myself this may be true since he had a list of a lot of others and I saw his Google history where he looked at hundreds of different ones, so if it was only her that was so great, then why look at all of the others and make a list with others on it?

Of course in my mind this seems like she was "the other woman" and that he must have been really attracted to her.
He of course swears this isn't the case.So I called her and while she pretty nice to me, she said she didn't really remember him, when I gave her enough details she said( in her druggie state) that she seemed to remember him but that it was a long time ago, nothing personal and he wasn't a regular

Anyway, this is my biggest source of pain right now and any reassurance is most appreciated.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumped for new member


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG!

I've only been on this site for a little over a week but somehow did not see this thread until today. I've read every single post. My SAWH also used hookers apparently for the last 12 years or so (best estimate). I feel like I just woke up to a stranger in my house. If he could do this what else is he capable of? He is deeply remorseful & trying to do all the "right" things. He is going to SA, IC & we are both doing MC. I have so many questions. I saw on here that there are review sites. I have to admit that while this whole world turns my stomach I just want to have an idea of how an encounter goes down (no pun intended!). I mean, my SAWH says he saw one whore twice. They went to a room she already had. It was the same room both times so I'm guessing that is part of the package? That she secures a room for a month...two...six..I try to imagine what kind of small talk they made before..after.

This is something I've never given any thought to before but now that I have been beamed into this new world of slutville I feel the need to understand how it works.

We too have been on a tight budget for three years not knowing one month to the next if the bills would get paid. The first two years of our financial decline I worked a job I absolutely detested but did it because I felt like I was doing my part to help us. I was very frugle & felt guilty even spending $8 for a new shirt at Walmart. I will never forget that a mere 5 days before D-day we went out for dinner and my SAWH brought up how expensive that glass of wine I had was. THREE TIMES he bitched about that $7 glass of wine. You can only imagine part of what I felt when I found out that he had been paying $100/hr for a little piece every now & then. I haven't found out yet what the going rates on the sex menu are.
I'm still so very blown away! My SAWH is just now at a place where he is spilling more information. It's obviously very uncomfortable for him to have to speak these unthinkable acts so details have not been discussed. I don't know why I feel the need to know this stuff but I do definately feel that need very strongly so if anybody has anything they can offer me to prepare me for what I might be getting ready to hear.... I'm ready!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ran across this thread while searching for answers that my WH just cannot seem to give me (he claims he doesn't know the answers himself!).

How can a man whom I called my best friend, love of my life, and soul mate, wake one morning, kiss me goodbye as I leave for work, then hop on an escort website, choose which prostitutes he'd like to see, drive across town, call one, meet up with her in a shady apartment, and have sex with her? Him and I had a great sex life! I don't understand??? This is making me sick!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
letitout
♀ Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH saw 5 prostitutes but he saw 1 of them for a year and he "loved" her. He then saw another one for a year and she was so beautiful that it didn't seem right for him to sleep with her. He also thought they liked it and didn't fake it. He also wrote them lovy NC letters. He knew them well. took them on vacations etc.. He had an emotional attachment to them. He was in la la land.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
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