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User Topic: Support for BS that WS used prostitutes
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, March 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry to see so many here, but glad I started this thread to have a common place to share.
Forgive me for not remembering who said this, but I so agree with the statement that is my WS would fuck a whore, who wouldn't he fuck? I was in Wal-Mart not long after finding out and there was this heavy set, not attractive woman ( that resembled one of the whores he was with) and I said to him, well, guess you would fuck her too? I know he is a SA and we are actually doing pretty good over here, but dammit the pain just doesn't let up. I am in a recovery program myself and it is helping some, but this is a long and painful road.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
agreensleeve
♀ Member
Member # 26210
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, March 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I try to look at the humor in what my H did. I can do that now, but I couldn't do it just after DDay. Here is the humor part: Your title also has an answer: "used" prostitutes or it can be interpreted as "used prostitutes"
They used prostitutes for sex and they had sex with used prostitutes. Plus, the prostitutes used them. They used them for their money, that all, nothing else.

Not sure why I find it funny other than this: It's like a used car. More mileage, less value, less cost. If it wasn't for humor, I don't think I could have survived.

There are times when I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he had sex with strangers, had sex with someone of questionable morals, etc. I have been where you're at and it gets easier, but not at first and not during the first year after DDay.
This is good thread. We all are healing at different levels and times. But we heal because we are here for each other.


BS:53/FWS:59(LCFBastard)/M:33 Years
DDay: 25Sep09:Online Porn;2Oct09:Emails/PA w/Escorts 6 times from Apr 03-Sep 09.In IC/MC/R.
This is my quest,No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.To be willing to march into HELL for a HEAVENLY cause.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: CO
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't think about my title, but you are right. All prostitutes are is used up.
Used up nasty twats, used for their bodies that they have no respect for and all they care about is the money. They use men and don't think anything about it. I have read articles written by them and when asked do more of their clients look like Brad Pitt or Homer Simpson, they laughed and said almost all looked like Homer Simpson. I find this humorous because these sad broken men think these women want them? They want that money and probably laugh when the men leave.
At least a used car probably hasn't had thousands of men driving it lol


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My WHs hooker was at the other end of the whore-spectrum. Just a regular person, mother, well educated, working a skilled job, who whores herself out occasionally to wealthy businessmen for some extra cash (quite a lot of extra cash as a matter of fact). That’s the thing really with prostitutes, they range from the $20 crack whores to the $1000 per hour top of the range “escorts” or “call girls”. So for me I didn’t have to think of drug addiction or her having multiple partners per day. But she still screws for money, so she is still a whore, and I still feel repulsed my husband would stoop so low.

AnneOther, 
Thank you for your thoughtful response, but I feel obligated to dispel the notion many people have that there is much of difference b/t a $20 crack whore, and 'high class' call girl or 'escort'.  I've done alot of reading on the subject and based on what I have read, both from the perspective of the prostitute and from the perspective of the john, that there is not much difference b/t 'high class' or 'low class' when it comes to health concerns.  The problem is not so much the girls themselves, but the men that frequent them.  Let's face it, men use prostitutes for a plethora of difference reasons, and unless the prostitute and the customer are doctors that testing each other, waiting for results, and retesting at intervals, there is absolutely no way in hell that they can know the true state of their STD or HIV status.

I'm sure that there may be some prostitutes that take great precautions to protect themselves, but sadly, the nature of the beast is that a huge majority of these men are seeing the prostitute for reasons that are naturally going to put them at a higher risk for disease.  

One particular girl may try to protect herself more than others might, but if the john has not protected himself with previous prostitutes, by mere virtue of the fact that they are having sex so often and with such a wide variety of people that are also having sex with other prostitutes, the risk increases.

Condoms are not foolproof by any stretch of the imagination, and even though some girls may insist on the use of a condom for straight sex, most men paying for sex are going to expect bare back blow jobs at the least.

Condoms do not cover all genital areas, and all it takes is skin to skin contact with some STD's. 

Some things I have read on 'high class' call girls blogs, indicate that once they get comfortable with certain repeat customers, they may deem them to be 'okay' for having unprotected sex with.  (yeah, just like the majority of WS's that say, 'oh, OP wasn't 'like that' or, OP didn't sleep with anyone other than their husband', lol! )  Yeah, well who the hell knows who OP's H may or may not be sleeping with?

Also, some of these hookers play the 'high class' game while also catering to a 'lesser' clientele, for their real bread and butter.

Drug addiction IS rampant amongst this group, as many use drugs to numb themselves in order to do what they do, and if they are not already addicted, they  become addicted....and the cycle begins, wash, rinse, and repeat.

JMO.

PPGA


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think for my WH he turned to a prostitute, yes because she wasn't rwal, but also because his mental instabilities, his lack of self confidence, his feeling a failure in life, the fact that he is very awkward around women, very insecure about his abilities with women, his utter fear of rejection in any form - well of that kind of rules out hitting on the cute chic at work or the attractive lady down the street.
Yes, that is very true of my SAWH. He also had some on-line flirtations, where he got women to send him photos. IRL there were a couple of flirtations but he never pursued anything sexual. Those were where he could be a KISA by helping these women, for these women they were using whatever they had to trying to get a job. Really sad and pitiful thinking. He has to "pay" in some way for a woman to be interested in him.

As far as types of hookers. Mine ranged the spectrum and had worked his way up to the $800 an hour range because he had just started having intercourse with prostitutes just before dday (confirmed with polygraph). In his mind they were "cleaner" which is just crazy! It sounds like you have adopted your SAWH's thinking there. They are not "cleaner". They are just as broken, pitiful, diseased creatures as any other prostitute.

I was very angry and disgusted towards prostitutes but at my CSATs urging I have done a lot of reading on the subject. Most of these women are really broken people. Many have pimps, even the high class ones. They lie about it to customers and pretend they "like it". Their lives are pretty much a living hell. I am becoming less hostile about them. Not buying the lie they tell that they do this because they "want" to. Most do not.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 10:59 AM, March 4th (Monday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PPGA,

I am sorry but you really are completely wrong here. You are not dispelling my notions, you are perpetuating a stereotype, an urban myth, where every prostitute is a big bad dirty disease ridden greedy wolf who takes advantage of our poor defenseless husbands.

There is a vast difference between bottom of the pile and top of the pile prostitutes. There is also a vast difference in countries and how prostitution works in each country, is it illegal and unregulated = no health checks. It is legal and regulated = monthly health checks, or is it somewhere in between with NGOs offering testing, education and means of protection.


At one end of the spectrum, the rock bottom end, you have a crack whore servicing 10 (or as many as she can get) clients a day. By virtue of her addiction she will do anything it takes to get money to buy drugs. If that is unprotected anal sex, if that’s what it takes to get her drug money, that is what she will do. Also intravenous drug use is very high in this group, upping the chance of disease. Also basic personal hygiene is sadly VERY lacking in this group.


At the other “top end” of the spectrum you have $1000+ per hour call-girl prostitutes. These can be students, unemployed graduates, career women, mothers or almost any normal woman. This category really is where you see the “girl next door” prostitutes. Some of these women work daily, some work once a week or once a month or anywhere in between. Some only get into the trade to pay off a loan or for whatever reason, to earn some fast bucks, and then they exit. Some do it as they can earn in two nights the same as what they would earn in a month doing a 40 hour a week unskilled or low-paying job, so prostitution allows them to be a SAH mom who only works 2 nights a week, and not giving away the lion shares of her earnings on child care, a lot do it to fund their further education.


I am not saying there will be NO women in this 2nd group daft enough not to have unprotected sex, of course not, there will always be the exception that breaks the rule. But the number in this group having unprotected sex is FAR lower than in the crack whore category. Drug use is minimal compared to the crack whores. Though granted I do think drug use in this group MAY be higher than in the population in general, there haven’t been any officially recognized studies on this, it is certainly NOT rampant in this group in any of the countries I have studied. When there is drug use in this category, it’s generally not intravenous. I think cocaine is the drug of choice for this group (or at least it was in the areas, and at the time, I studied). Personal hygiene is high in this group simply because the better they look, the more money they can earn. Men simply won’t pay $2000 to fuck a stoned, zoned out woman. And the men using top class hookers generally take them to top 5 star hotels, and 5 star hotels tend to be quite reluctant to let trashy looking or obviously drugged up “questionable” women enter their premises, let alone go up to a room. The same hotels often have no problems letting the high class ones decorate their bar stools though, as long as they play by the rules and aren’t too overt in dress or beahviour.
Above I have outlined two extremes- the top of the pile and the bottom of the pile. The reality is, the vast majority of prostitution falls out with these two extremes. Most prostitutes are neither crack whores or $1000+ per hour whores, they are in between. While there are no guarantees that a top end whore is disease free, there is also no guarantee that a crack whore has an STD. What I can guarantee you is, the lower down the pile you look, the less personal hygiene you will find, and the more STDs and drug use you will find.


Now getting back to safety, a lot of what you say does make perfect sense. The safest sex that any of us can practice is with one trusted and tested partner and that one partner only. Obviously the more partners anyone has, be they bored housewife, wayward husband, or prostitute, the greater the risks become. Is a high class hooker as low risk as say you and I are, absolutely not, she is riskier than us, no matter how much she protects herself. Is she lower risk though than a crack whore. Absolutely yes, statistically. But all it takes for any one person to catch HIV is one torn condom, so sex is only really completely safe when practiced exclusively with our trusted & tested partners.

And can I just point something out here as I may appear to know a bit too much on this subject. I am not and never have been a prostitute, but I did work for a NGO working in this field, and have spent decades (very very ironically now as it turns out) studying this field, both in an official and unofficial capacity.


And this might not be the best thread, or even the best forum to say this on, but not all prostitutes are nasty, horrible, trashy, low self-esteem, money grabbing, using, women. Many of them really are very nice women doing a job to earn a living. That it’s a job most of us wouldn’t do, I give you, but most of us wouldn’t choose to clean sewers or sweep chimneys either. I personally don’t like to read so much vitriol about prostitutes. Ultimately OUR HUSBANDS ARE TO BLAME, NOT THE WOMEN THEY PAY. If our husbands didn’t create the demand then the supply of prostitutes would dry up.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 11:54 AM, March 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma,

Really sad and pitiful thinking. He has to "pay" in some way for a woman to be interested in him.

I agree with that completelty. It is sad and pitiful. It would be the ultimate low for me to have to pay someone to sleep with me or to spend time with me.

In his mind they were "cleaner" which is just crazy! It sounds like you have adopted your SAWH's thinking there.

Firstly, my WH is not and never has been a SA. Secondly, as I have just explained above, I worked with a NGO working in this field in a few different countries spread across 2 different continents, spanning a long period of time. My opinions on prostition are based on actually going out "into the field" and looking at it with my own eyes. My opinions are not from my husband, and not from mass hysteria or urban myths either.

They are not "cleaner". They are just as broken, pitiful, diseased creatures as any other prostitute.

And you know this, how? Have you tested both groups? Or are you just buying into the urban myth too?

I was very angry and disgusted towards prostitutes but at my CSATs urging I have done a lot of reading on the subject. Most of these women are really broken people. Many have pimps, even the high class ones. They lie about it to customers and pretend they "like it". Their lives are pretty much a living hell. I am becoming less hostile about them. Not buying the lie they tell that they do this because they "want" to. Most do not.

I don't think ANY woman working in prostitution does it because it's her first choice of job, and the job she always dreamed of. Most do it because they can earn a lot more money at it than they would elsewhere. Of course they lie to their customers, that's their job. They are hardly going to be sucessful in the field if they are honest. This "polite lying" applies to many jobs though, my hairdresser is forever telling me my hair is beautiful. If you want to go on believing that all prostitutes are broken people in a living hell of a life, I won't try to change your mind, but I do know you are wrong.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 11:47 AM, March 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worked with a NGO working in this field in a few different countries spread across 2 different continents, spanning a long period of time. My opinions on prostition are based on actually going out "into the field" and looking at it with my own eyes. My opinions are not from my husband, and not from mass hysteria or urban myths either.
Ah, I see you are a Weitzer fan or work with him. He concentrated on legal prostitution to skew his study. He is a fan of any conflicting info as myth and mass hysteria. Yes, I am very familiar with how studies work. They start with the thesis and then go about proving it.

Why if you are so pro-prostitution would it bother you that your H was using one?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been really sick (hospital) for a few days, and I cannot believe where this thread has gone!!!!!

I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean it in the way that I REALLY NEED to ask a question about the exact thing you all are talking about.

PLEASE let me know what you think of this---a question I have wanted to ask for a long, long time.

After we were in counseling for a time or two, I was saying something like I couldn't believe that he had actually been with a prostitute. My husbands says...

"I thought it wouldn't be so bad, since I didn't have any feelings for her."

1) Lets see...NO. I don't believe it makes me feel better that you had meaningless sex with a street whore.

2) I have always wondered if she was really someone he knew and saw repeatedly - and just told me she was a prostitute.

He said it right away - when I saw the picture. "Who is that?" "A prostitute." Just that quick. AND he had been going to that town for a monthly (legitimate) meeting for some time.

I just don't know why he said that to the counselor. "I thought you'd be glad it wasn't someone I loved."

What are the chances it wasn't a prostitute after all???

What do y'all think???

I guess I will never know. But I have been suffering about this (and so much more) for so many years.

I think when I think about it...if it was a prostitute, I am repulsed and heartbroken by his cheapness. And if it was a 'relationship', then I am heartbroken because he loved someone other than me.

I guess it is just 2 different kinds of hurt, and I guess I will never know which it was.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Apr 2012
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma,

Ah, I see you are a Weitzer fan or work with him
.

No, I am not a Weitzer fan, and no I don’t work for or with him and never have.

Yes, I am very familiar with how studies work. They start with the thesis and then go about proving it.

I hope you take that attitude too when for instance you have to choose a doctor or a surgeon or a medicine or an operation and rely on studies to make your choice.

Why if you are so pro-prostitution would it bother you that your H was using one?

I am not pro-prostitution, I am just not anti-prostitute or anti-prostitution.

Maybe if you ever get the chance to visit a country where prostitution is strictly forbidden and deep underground, then you could understand why.

Why if you are so pro-prostitution would it bother you that your H was using one?

Did it bother me when my husband used a prostitute? Hell yes! In the same way it would “bother” me if he slept with any other human being except me. (the word bother is far too mild here, that should be a given).

I think in order for us to have a civilized, adult discussion that you have to agree there is a difference between supporting a concept and taking part in it. For instance, because someone is pro-choice it doesn’t mean they have abortions every year, or even ever have an abortion, many men are pro-choice too. Because someone is pro guns it doesn’t mean they actually shoot people or support that. And, this really is too silly to say, but because someone is not full of hatred towards every prostitute on the planet, does not mean it wouldn’t bother them if their spouse slept with one.

I know this subject is a touchy subject for you, as it is for all of us on this thread, if not for all of us on this forum, but we really do have to start blaming our husbands instead of the prostitutes. If our husbands were alcoholics would we be condemning everyone who sells alcohol in such a vitriolic manner?


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anneother,

I am sorry but you really are completely wrong here. You are not dispelling my notions, you are perpetuating a stereotype, an urban myth, where every prostitute is a big bad dirty disease ridden greedy wolf who takes advantage of our poor defenseless husbands.

Look, I'm not into engaging in a war of words here; I certainly didn't say that YOU were completely wrong, and I don't think it's fair of you to say that I am completely wrong.  We all have our own opinions based on whatever research we have done.  My personal research has been based on reading escort's blogs, hobbyists' review sites, strip club reviews, rub maps, and what I have pieced together based on stories here on SI, a dear friend I met on this site whose H infected her with HIV he picked up from his whore, one prostitute in our extended family, and my own 23 yr old son that has prostituted himself with men.   Personally, I give a lot of credence to online sources because I believe the anonymity breeds more honesty.  

I don't believe I am perpetuating a stereotype or urban myth, I believe I am shining a light on what 'I' believe is an urban myth: that 'high class' call girls are somehow 'safer' than the rest.

I personally don’t like to read so much vitriol about prostitutes. Ultimately OUR HUSBANDS ARE TO BLAME, NOT THE WOMEN THEY PAY.  

Given the nature of this site, I think vitriol about any sort of sex outside of marriage is to be expected....and as far as our husbands are to blame, you are absolutely right, and I thought I made that clear with this: 
The problem is not so much the girls themselves, but the men that frequent them.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhatsRight,

Sorry you were in hospital, I do hope you are fully recovered now.

It’s an interesting (and very sad) question you pose. I have no idea really if a WH would be more likely to jump to the “but she was just a prostitute” defense, in the hope that would be easier for us BSs. Judging from this thread I am one of the very few, if not only, BS who feels that way. I said earlier that initially after Dday that I was more heartbroken because mine has slept with a prostitute instead of a “normal” woman, it’s only after reading so much on here that it see it has some “upsides” I didn’t recognize initially. What I didn’t mention earlier was – that was not his original statement, that she was a prostitute. Initially he would not admit she was on the game. He knew it would hurt me more as he knows what I think of men who stoop to hookers, plus he was deeply ashamed himself, and that is putting it very mildly. But he couldn’t keep it a lie for long, as – well I can’t get into the whys as I have sources I need to protect, suffice to say I would have found out she was a prostitute. It took me a good couple of months to begin to see that (for me) it would have been far worse if she had been my best friend, or the girl next door, or from his office, or from our social circle.

So mine would much rather have had to admit he slept with a regular woman than with a prostitute. I would go as far as to say it was only because he knew I would get the truth that he admitted it. I guess though that every man will be different.

It is also a possibility your husband could be trying to protect the OW by telling you she was a prostitute when she was just a regular woman, because possibly it could be that he didn’t know her (real) name or contact details if she was a prostitute, but if he confessed to an affair with a regular woman you would be quizzing him for details about her, and she may too be married, and he could not risk you confronting her.

I am so sorry your husband isn’t forthcoming and honest with you. That must be soul destroying. I really do feel for you. I hope this situation changes WR, for both your sakes, but especially for yours.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not going to get into a war of words with you, either. I am going to address a few things you said to me.

I hope you take that attitude too when for instance you have to choose a doctor or a surgeon or a medicine or an operation and rely on studies to make your choice.

Yes, actually iI do take that attitude when dealing with medicine in general. I happen to have a child that is a research scientist (at the major institute in the US) and we very openly discuss how studies are performed. Many medications and procedures are later proven to have horrendous side effects. Thus, I am very careful and skeptical when someone quotes one study and read several before making a decision.

Maybe if you ever get the chance to visit a country where prostitution is strictly forbidden and deep underground, then you could understand why.

The problem is that statistically the countries with legal prostitution have a much higher rate of human trafficking and crime. I do live in a country where prostitution is illegal. I have lived in countries where it was legal. There is a reason that human trafficking has exploded as prostitution has been legalized around the world.

To come on a site that is about infidelity and support prostitution, it seems illogical not to expect the majority to have the polar opposite view from you. I don't think that your view is going to change, even though you have been negatively impacted by prostitution. That is your choice.

Of course I hold my husband responsible for his choices. He was not enticed to behave this way. He is a sick man with distorted thinking. The kind of distorted thinking that you seem to be purporting here. Prostitution is just another "choice." I reject that premise. As a woman and a mother I find that offensive.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AnneOther...

OMG. OMG. OMG.

It has really just washed over me for the first time that he could very well have been lying about the prostitute thing.

He said it so quickly after I asked who was in the picture.

He didn't tell the truth about anything else.

His story didn't make sense:

*he didn't know she was a prostitute when he let her in the car for a ride

*he told her "NO" to her offer of a bj, but she finally asked so many times, he said yes.

*he happened to have the necessary medication to achieve an erection (disability involved)

*he took a picture of her

*he told me he paid her $40. On a few occasions, when giving me some cash for groceries or errands, he has handed me $40. I have let him know that he should NEVER hand me $40 EVER AGAIN. But he has forgotten. Because there was no $40? - it was just a lie?

Oh God. It feels like I am just finding out. At least before, I felt I knew at least that much. But now, I am not sure of even ONE thing about his infidelity. I don't know how to live with more uncertainty.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Apr 2012
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WR,
I hate to see you in such agony again. Listen sweetie, I believe your H was with a prostitute.

This:

He told me that he was driving to his hotel (while out of town on business) and she flagged him down at a stop light - wanting a ride. He said he had no idea she was a prostitute. He said he would take her to the drug store. She asked if he wanted a bj. According to him he said no repeatedly, but finally "gave in".
It is very common that when questioned, WS's will give part truth part lie. It is natural and far easier than making up a complete doozy of a lie to incorporate a partial truth. Based on what I have read on the 'hobbyists' sites, that is exactly what happens if they are driving around looking for a whore. While out of town, he probably looked up where online where he could find one, drove around till he spotted one, she got in the car, and off they went.

JMO, but I think she was a whore. Please don't agonize over this anymore.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WR, I second what pain is saying. The first time my SAWH paid for sex it was with a stripper. Of course, she was a prostitute also or wouldn't have taken money for sex. My SAWH's CSAT says there is no distinction and just refer to anyone that takes money for sex as a prostitute. Otherwise, they would be offended by the offer of money.

I remember your story, where he said that he just happened to have is ED medicine. That is so clearly a lie.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To come on a site that is about infidelity and support prostitution, it seems illogical not to expect the majority to have the polar opposite view from you.

Support prostitution? Or, just not willing to jump on a bandwagon that labels every sex worker as a disease ridden, soulless, money grabbing, waste of human life? Whether you like to hear it or not, a lot of prostitutes are very nice women.

I will repeat what I said earlier: “I think in order for us to have a civilized, adult discussion that you have to agree there is a difference between supporting a concept and taking part in it. For instance, because someone is pro-choice it doesn’t mean they have abortions every year, or even ever have an abortion, many men are pro-choice too. Because someone is pro guns it doesn’t mean they actually shoot people or support that.”

I don't think that your view is going to change, even though you have been negatively impacted by prostitution. That is your choice.

My life has been negatively impacted by fast food chains, the growth of the corn starch industry, violent movies, alcohol, to name I am sure but a few. It doesn’t mean I want to ban or condemn McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Hollywood movies or liquor. They are all fine used properly, responsibly and ethically. In fact I can’t right now recall one thing that has impacted me negatively that I would want outlawed or feel the need to be vitriolic about.

Of course I hold my husband responsible for his choices. He was not enticed to behave this way. He is a sick man with distorted thinking. The kind of distorted thinking that you seem to be purporting here. Prostitution is just another "choice." I reject that premise. As a woman and a mother I find that offensive.

So when all else fails, resort to innuendos that my thinking is distorted, why I am not surprised?

You know I could say the same say to you, that by condemning all prostitutes as broken, pitiful, diseased creatures, broken people, living a life of hell is IMO very distorted thinking. I just don’t like that kind of retort as it doesn't further a discussion. Play the ball instead of the player is my motto.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 2:56 PM, March 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While out of town, he probably looked up where online where he could find one

Do you mean that you can look online to find out where the prostitutes hang out? Are you kidding me???

I am SOOOO sorry for this t/j. I am sooo sorry that I am whinning about this again. The anniversary of this infidelity comes this Saturday - when we are supposed to go to our Retrouvaille meeting. There has never been an anniversary that has bothered me so much.

I just want to know. I just want to know. I just want to know.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Apr 2012
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AnneOther...
OMG. OMG. OMG.
It has really just washed over me for the first time that he could very well have been lying about the prostitute thing.
He said it so quickly after I asked who was in the picture.
He didn't tell the truth about anything else.
His story didn't make sense:

WR,

Look, you know your husband better than all of us. What do YOU think he would be the most embarrassed about, the most ashamed to admit to? A prostitute, ok, I can buy that she could very well have been a hooker. But it could also be she was a regular woman he was attempting to protect from your (rightful!) wrath. Don't forget either, what protects her protects him too.

I don’t mean this to sound mean, I hope you know that, we have spoken before about the similarities our husbands share, right? Well, like my husband, what is going to sound more palatable to you/me is generally not what they do or say. They are self-protectors. They are conflict avoiders. They say what makes them feel less guilty, less ashamed – and also what is going to be the least conflict for them. They say what you are going to kick up LEAST fuss about. I can see by saying prostitute that there is not a great deal left for you to ask or do or go after. I mean it’s not like you can ask for her number or her address, he wouldn’t even have them. He would though if she was a normal woman. If she had been a regualr woman, friend or cowrker or just someone he met in a store that turned into an affair, that knowledge leaves avenues open for you, that could mean a heck of a lot more conflict for him if you go down those avenues. On the other hand, maybe she was a prostitute. I really do think (since he is so unwilling, for so long, to give you the closure you need by being honest) that the truth lies in what you would have reacted least badly to or what you could have created least hassles for him with.

He had Viagra with him? Does he often carry them around with him? Not that it helps determine if she was a prostitute or not, it just helps determine premeditation. What does your gut tell you?

If it’s not too painful for you try going back in your head to dday, and trying exploring both scenarios to see what your reaction would have been to
a) he slept with another regular woman/friend/coworker/neighbour, who may or may not have been married,
b) he slept with a prostitute.

I can’t help but think your husband’s reaction/version of the truth/coming clean would have been based on how he would have predicted you to react. I say that because if it hadn’t been for the fact my husband KNEW I could get independent verification of his acts, he too would have told me either what I wanted to hear, or what impacted him least and caused least shame & embarassment to him.

Again, I feel for you deeply lady. You are long overdue some closure from all this.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 3:28 PM, March 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post. sorry.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 4:57 PM, March 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
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