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User Topic: Support for BS that WS used prostitutes
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you mean that you can look online to find out where the prostitutes hang out? Are you kidding me???

Assuming you're meaning the street-walking variety, yes you can. Where I live the venues for street-walkers change regularly, from certain streets, to parking lots, to recreation areas. But the information IS available online. I just can't help you with US information. I am sure the toehr ladies can though. And let google be your friend too.

I am SOOOO sorry for this t/j. I am sooo sorry that I am whinning about this again. The anniversary of this infidelity comes this Saturday - when we are supposed to go to our Retrouvaille meeting. There has never been an anniversary that has bothered me so much
.

It's not a t/j from where I am standing. The information you ask for would be information that any woman in similar circumstances (with prostitition I mean) would be interested in. And you are NOT whining, and don't you dare apologise.

I just want to know. I just want to know. I just want to know.

And you have every right to feel that way and to know the truth. It's healthy. You're normal. It's your WHs manner of "dealing" with this which is unhealthy and abnormal.

I wish you the best for your weekend at the retreat.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anne...

Thank you so much for your very kind words - no, you do not sound mean.

I don't know how to respond to any of your posts.

I do agree that my husband - being the conflict avoidant that he is - would have said what he thought would hurt me least. That is why I torment myself as to whether or not he lied about her being a prostitute.

On the other hand, his level of shame is so great, and that is what makes me believe it WAS a prostitute.

But still, I don't know.

I have been following the discussion regarding perceptions of prostitutes. I can certainly see why each of you has your particular viewpoint. I am sooo very sorry that you have experienced what you have, and it is my opinion that our personal experiences are what determine how we feel.

I can see how, if indiscriminate sex is not a 'problem' for someone (if both are single and agree) - that you might feel less vile against the idea of prostitutes.

And I can CERTAINLY understand that if your husband gave you the filthy disease from his interaction with a prostitute, that you would feel the way PPGA feels.

Or maybe I am full of shit, and have no idea why anyone feels as they do!

Here is what I believe...

"A man asks a woman if she will have sex with him for 1 million dollars. She thinks for a minute, and reluctantly says, 'Yes, for a million dollars I would.'

He then asks her, if she would have sex with him for $10. She replies, "For $10, of course not! What do you think I am?'

His response? 'We have already determined WHAT you are...now we are just haggling over the price!"

This is what I believe. For me it is a moral issue. It is standards. Ethics. Character. I personally don't believe you can be a good mom, for example, and be a prostitute. Make a mistake - yes. Do something so repulsive on an ongoing basis? No no.

I say this just to illustrate that a great part of my pain is with the lack of character / morals / and standards that my husband has exhibited - not only with his infidelity, but with his lies.

It is just almost more than I can bare to realize that not only did this man that I adored and cherished could cheat on me, but that he could care so little for me that he could lie about it, and refuse to make it right.

That is probably mostly why it hurts so badly to feel so strongly that it is entirely possible that I know even less than I thought I did.

I don't know what would be worse for me...

I'm glad that I don't have to move, or see the OW at the grocery, or that he is still not working with her.

But I am not sure that would be worse than to know that my husband sought out a street whore to have sex with instead of me - his wife.

What kind of man is this? I am so sad that he has violated himself in this way.

Character, integrity...these are the things that mean the most to me. My husband does not exhibit these things now. NOTHING hurts more. Especially when I know that he can be and should be so much more.

Anne...

Thanks so much for the comment about me deserving come closure on these things. I honestly believe that if I had the truth, and a couple of weeks to 'deal' with it, that we could get on the road - the maybe long road - to healing. But his guilt and shame is so bad, and his unwillingness to deal with it. He is willing to just exist. And so must I - if I choose to stay.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:55 PM, March 4th (Monday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am SOOOO sorry for this t/j. I am sooo sorry that I am whinning about this again. The anniversary of this infidelity comes this Saturday - when we are supposed to go to our Retrouvaille meeting.

Hopefully you can get some answers at Retrouvaille. I haven't been but have heard good things about it. Perhaps it is the combination of that with the anniversary that is making you trigger. Hopefully it will be a wonderful weekend and you can come back with something significant to report!

Typically the advice is to trust your gut. Not try to figure him out but trust what your intuition is telling you. Personally, mine has been extremely accurate. Much more so than my SAWH's words.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry - double post

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:57 PM, March 4th (Monday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I was unclear about Retrouvaille.

We went for our weekend 2 years ago. We have been to all the post sessions.

The sessions we sometimes go to now are the CORE sessions. Just an ongoing gathering to spend time with "friends of the marriage" and discuss certain issues.

If I announce that I'm going - he goes too. If I waited for him to initiate - we would never go.

I'm so tired of 1/2 a man. A weak, selfish man. A man who is afraid to look at himself and his flaws and get to work.

I can't explain how, but I will tell you that in every other aspect of his life - he has excelled. To a greater extent than I can say - without telling you who he is. But when it comes to working hard for US - no dice.

I might have the strength (I've been sick) to go this Saturday. He probably won't go, and at least I could be somewhere without him.

I don't know. I don't know.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't been back here lately and seems it got heated on here!
Whatsright, I think it sounds exactly like he was with a whore. You are like the rest of us, our minds play the worst case scenarios over and over again. His story about how he met her sounds logical to me.
Mine went to a site and picked them from their, so he really made the conscious effort to do it over and over again, then again he is a raging SA so who knows what the hell he is capable of doing? Stop worrying that she wasn't a whore, I am sure she was. I know that is a small consolation, but any little thing at this point helps.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


At this point, I can't imagine that there is anything that could cause more pain than I have been in. Unless it was still happening now.

I just want to be important enough to him that he is willing to face the truth, and tell it to me.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh WR, the more I read of your husband, the more I get the feeling yours and mine are twins separated at birth (and ok, by an ocean). No one that knows my husband would believe a) he cheated b) it was with a hooker or c) he has severe mental issues. He too has excelled in everything in life except close relationships. The front he presents to the world is so different to how he really is. I said it before, I wouldn’t be sat here right now if it wasn’t for his IC. If I hadn’t “initiated” the IC and full disclosure to the IC (read, “you go to IC, you spill the WHOLE story NOW, or I am outa here, and I am coming with you to the IC to make sure you give out the WHOLE story, not your edited version”) he certainly wouldn’t have gone, and wouldn’t be on the path or recovery and getting to know himself (even to like himself) that he is on right now. And we wouldn’t be well on the road to recovery. He has even started saying things like “why didn’t I go down this road of IC 25 years ago, my life and shortcomings and negative self-feelings are finally beginning to make sense and I can see I can change them”. I have always loved him, deeply, but I think I like him more now than I have in – well, ever. He is becoming real. (that sounds weird, I know, but I can’t explain it better).

Obviously I don’t know your husband, and I have no idea if he slept with a coworker or a hooker. I know though that I (and I know you too) could forgive either. The behavior of his that I find truly unforgivable is his refusal to give you what you need to find closure. The truth. A ONS with a hooker, or even a month long affair with the woman next door, they can in some way be dealt with as some kind of temporary lack/break in sanity. What cannot be explained though is the length of time he has denied you what you need. What I will say though, every set of circumstances is unique, I got closure because I had the means of forcing the issue, either WH came clean or I turned to other sources which he knew would be 100% accurate. You don’t have that ace up your sleeve. If my WH had been in the situation your WH is in (has a choice to come clean or not), I don’t know if he would have. In fact, as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think he would have as the shame would have been too great for him. He would probably have let me walk right out of the door.

Regards mothers being prostitutes. I actually agree with you. Although I won’t condemn or judge a woman who supports her kids by being on the game, I would never do it and would move mountains to ensure those close to me never had to either. Children learn by example. And while the children of a fairly well paid hooker might have more material things than a mom working in Walmart, material things are not that important. Setting examples and living an ethical life are. Besides all that, the stigma for children of prostitutes, if it ever got out what their mom did for a living, must be horrible and bring a life time of IC with it.

And yes, whether they earn $10 or $1,000,000 – they are whores none the less, I will never dispute that fact.

You are in my thoughts often, all the best WR.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to ask the question, "Why would a person be willing to spend the rest of their life just existing?"

I would be referring to my WH, but - of course - that is also what I am doing.

We can be the 'leaf' or the 'wind'. Right now I am the leaf.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WR, if you want to message me the name of the city where he met the whore, I will try to find out where the street walkers hang out there. In the meantime, ask him to tell you the name of the street, or area he was in, and we'll see if things match up. OR, better yet, get him to take you there. I made my H drive me 250 miles and show me the strip club where he met the whore.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regards mothers being prostitutes. I actually agree with you.

What about daughters? Would you be ok for your daughter to be a prostitute?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, but unless they are a minor that has been forced into selling her body I have to sympathy for whores.
There are plenty of jobs to do to make a living that don't compromise your values and principles, but if you think so little of yourself to sell your body then I guess that doesn't matter.
I don't blame the whores that he cheated with, but I sure as shit have no sympathy for them and I turned in one of them to the police and they said they would get the vice squad on it. Dumb twit wasn't smart enough to make it very hard to find her real name, address and police record..


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma,

What about daughters? Would you be ok for your daughter to be a prostitute?

If you read my post you wouldn't have to ask that. I stated quite categorically "Although I won’t condemn or judge a woman who supports her kids by being on the game, I would never do it and would move mountains to ensure those close to me never had to either".

Can you understand that, can you get the whole thing that because one supports a concept or refuses to condemn a concept, that it doesn't actually mean they take part in the concept? Pro-choicers don't necessarily have to have abortions, pro-gun lobby don't necessarily shoot people. People who support gay rights can actually be heterosexual.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 2:54 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TOTP,

I'm sorry, but unless they are a minor that has been forced into selling her body I have to sympathy for whores.
There are plenty of jobs to do to make a living that don't compromise your values and principles, but if you think so little of yourself to sell your body then I guess that doesn't matter

Neither do I. There is a big difference between having sympathy for whores and refusing to condemn and judge them.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don't blame the whores that he cheated with, but I sure as shit have no sympathy for them

^^^^This


Posts: 5730 | Registered: Apr 2006
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you understand that, can you get the whole thing that because one supports a concept or refuses to condemn a concept, that it doesn't actually mean they take part in the concept? Pro-choicers don't necessarily have to have abortions, pro-gun lobby don't necessarily shoot people

Yes, the condescension is a little too much from you. What is clear is that people that are prochoice have no problem with having an abortion and I know no one that is pro gun lobby that doesn't own a gun. You seem way too comfortable with prostitution being a viable option. Do you understand how that could come across on this specific thread?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the condescension is a little too much from you. What is clear is that people that are prochoice have no problem with having an abortion and I know no one that is pro gun lobby that doesn't own a gun. You seem way too comfortable with prostitution being a viable option. Do you understand how that could come across on this specific thread?

And wrongly calling my husband a SA and wrongly accusing me of having adopted his SA thinking is not condescending? Repeatedly saying I am pro-prostitution because I won’t condemn them or judge them is not condescending either? And don’t get me started on your opinion that just because someone is pro-choice, that they have, and I quote “have no problem with having an abortion”. Yes, I bet they all just waltz in there like they are getting their legs waxed.

pot – kettle – black ?


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Calling your husband an SA was a mistake, I was getting you confused with another poster. It was not condescension. I am pro choice and that would mean if I was faced with the choice, it would be a viable option. You have ignored anything I have said that disputes your stance, as your "facts" are the only facts you are interested in. I have been PMd by members disturbed by you posting your pro-prostitution stance on this thread.

You need to think about your impact upon others before posting the things that you are. I realize that you are new to this site but there are quite a few people in pain on here. Your championing of prostitutes is not appreciated on this thread. So let's get back to the issue at hand. Supporting those whose SO has used prostitutes. Not supporting the prostitutes themselves.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:25 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AnneOther & Missymomma...

If you both can't post to eachother without resulting in personal attacks then you both need to stay off the thread.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197394 | Registered: May 2002
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No problem. As I said, I wanted to get back to supporting those whose SO has used prostitutes.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 132
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