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User Topic: Support for BS that WS used prostitutes
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If what I posts disturbs you, then don’t read it or report it the moderation team if I am breaking rules. And there you go again accusing me of “championing” prostitutes simply because I refuse to condemn and judge each and every one of them as filthy, scum of the earth. And yet again you call me “pro-prostitution”. I have my opinions, you have yours. I am not trying to stifle your opinion, even though I also find a lot of what you say offensive, maybe you could extend me the same courtesy? And we ALL need to think of the impact our words have on others, that includes you as well as me.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AnneOther...

You really need to back off. I've already flagged you once for your attacks.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196528 | Registered: May 2002
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AnneOther & Missymomma...

If you both can't post to eachother without resulting in personal attacks then you both need to stay off the thread.

Thank you.

Point taken Deeply Scared. It would be good just get back to the discussion at hand.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AnneOther...

You really need to back off. I've already flagged you once for your attacks

.

Deeply, my apologies. My connection is not that fast and the post you flagged me on, I was already replying when that flag went up. As soon as saw your flag, I backed down.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand...thank you


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196528 | Registered: May 2002
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So to get back to the subject at hand.

Greensleeve


Not sure why I find it funny other than this: It's like a used car. More mileage, less value, less cost. If it wasn't for humor, I don't think I could have survived. There are times when I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he had sex with strangers, had sex with someone of questionable morals, etc. I have been where you're at and it gets easier, but not at first and not during the first year after DDay.
This is good thread. We all are healing at different levels and times. But we heal because we are here for each other.

It is great that you have been able to get to the point. It helps to hear that. I do think it gets easier the further we are out from it, as long as we are doing work. Anything that you specifically recommend? I know the things that are helping me but wondered what has worked for you?

[This message edited by Missymomma at 10:46 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is very common that when questioned, WS's will give part truth part lie. It is natural and far easier than making up a complete doozy of a lie to incorporate a partial truth. Based on what I have read on the 'hobbyists' sites, that is exactly what happens if they are driving around looking for a whore. While out of town, he probably looked up where online where he could find one, drove around till he spotted one, she got in the car, and off they went.
JMO, but I think she was a whore. Please don't agonize over this anymore.

FWIW, totally agree with all of the above.

And I wanted to explain, a "hobbyist's" site is a forum where people who use prostitutes hang out online. They share info about where to go, etc. They post reviews of different hookers, what they say they will do and what they really do, etc. "Hobby" is part of their lingo, so they are hobbyists, the secret phone they use is a "hobby phone", they may ask others IRL if they are into the "hobby" to find out if they are hookers or johns.

So yes, there are online resources for people to find hookers.

Also, many hookers/whorehouses use social media to solicit clients. They try to "friend" or "follow" potential clients and message them through FB, Twitter, etc.

I am so sad that a thread like this is needed and by so many. (((hugs)))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is very common that when questioned, WS's will give part truth part lie. It is natural and far easier than making up a complete doozy of a lie to incorporate a partial truth. Based on what I have read on the 'hobbyists' sites, that is exactly what happens if they are driving around looking for a whore. While out of town, he probably looked up where online where he could find one, drove around till he spotted one, she got in the car, and off they went.
JMO, but I think she was a whore. Please don't agonize over this anymore.

FWIW, totally agree with all of the above.

And I wanted to explain, a "hobbyist's" site is a forum where people who use prostitutes hang out online. They share info about where to go, etc. They post reviews of different hookers, what they say they will do and what they really do, etc. "Hobby" is part of their lingo, so they are hobbyists, the secret phone they use is a "hobby phone", they may ask others IRL if they are into the "hobby" to find out if they are hookers or johns.

So yes, there are online resources for people to find hookers.

Also, many hookers/whorehouses use social media to solicit clients. They try to "friend" or "follow" potential clients and message them through FB, Twitter, etc.

I am so sad that a thread like this is needed and by so many. (((hugs)))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I wanted to explain, a "hobbyist's" site is a forum where people who use prostitutes hang out online. They share info about where to go, etc. They post reviews of different hookers, what they say they will do and what they really do, etc. "Hobby" is part of their lingo, so they are hobbyists, the secret phone they use is a "hobby phone", they may ask others IRL if they are into the "hobby" to find out if they are hookers or johns.

Wow. More information. This is an aspect I didn't know about. Sad that it is out there. It is just sickening the way that women are just commodities.

Hath, how are you doing?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

want to wake up:
In some ways it's as though it makes ALL women potential OW. I don't have to 'worry' about him getting too close to a neighbour, co-worker or friend... because he'll screw anything. He doesn't have to know her, doesn't have to even like her, she just has to be available

This is also exactly how I feel. Heck, he doesnt even have to find them attractive!
So, what does that make me?


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all, my WH cheated with hookers too, I posted earlier in this thread and a few others regarding him having unprotected BJ's from strippers/prostitutes. I realized during my "have to know everything" phase that there are online sites where men discuss where and when to find hookers with details such as appearance, when they were most likely to be working, rating them on ability, what they were willing to do and what they charged.. It was mind boggling to me, they were discussing them like they were livestock up for auction! The men referred to themselves as mongers, short for whore-mongers. As I was sifting through some of this info I had to stop to up chuck, it was that disturbing to me.,So sorry we are part of this shitty club none of us wanted to join:(


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh the hobbyists make me want to
Go out and find some REAL women! These are the same pathetic men that think the whores actually want to have sex with them! They are so gross. They do everything sexually with them which is beyond gross and act like they have scored like frat boys lol..they paid them to fuck them and yet it is an ego thing for them.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
AppleBlossom
♀ Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO chose to be with prostitutes because they were "wrong" and it was bad and dirty and taboo. He had been a victim of SA as a child and he explains the need to go out and have sex with a prostitute as a release and a form of confirming his self loathing. In his mind, not having an emotional connection was to protect me and our relationship.

I must admit, that when he told me (he pocket dialled me while he was fucking her - I listened for 11 minutes and 35 seconds) later that it was a prostitute I was relieved. I am not sure how I could cope with the knowledge that he found a woman sexually or personally attractive, or find out about their conversations, their texts, chats, emails...

He has told me in detail about their encounters. In the city where I live, brothels are legal and strictly regulated. The prostitutes are looked after and protected. I know where the brothel is, I know the positions, I know that there is no way a prostitute in that brothel is allowed to have sex or give oral sex without a condom.

In my view, the fact that this was with a prostitute has allowed us to be very clinical about our conversations about the sex and the infidelity.

My greatest hurt is that until this was revealed to me, I had no idea about his depression and anxiety, his suicidal tendencies and his need to be seen as perfect by me, while feeling like an evil man. I had no idea the extent of the abuse he suffered as a child. I am hurt that he did not confide in me about these things.

He is in IC and we have talked deeply about a lot of issues.

I am not sure that I could have done that if it was an affair, and to those that work through this situation, I commend your commitment and strength.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Appleblossom,

In the city where I live, brothels are legal and strictly regulated. The prostitutes are looked after and protected. I know where the brothel is, I know the positions, I know that there is no way a prostitute in that brothel is allowed to have sex or give oral sex without a condom.

I agree regulation makes prostitution safer for the clientele, and if it’s safer the men, it’s safer for the wives who don’t know they’re WHs are using them.

He is in IC and we have talked deeply about a lot of issues.

I read your profile page and found it very encouraging from mine/fWHs standpoint. Thank you for sharing it.

He is in IC and we have talked deeply about a lot of issues.
I am not sure that I could have done that if it was an affair

Similar feeling here. The clinical nature of it all has been the one saving grace in this whole fiasco for me. It’s easier for me to deal with the fact he slept with a hooker than it would have been if she had been “real” and not bought and paid for. Although that feeling only came later, initially I was the complete opposite, and cried and cried “why with a hooker, why not a real woman?”. I now realize that a real regular woman would have meant an affair with real regular emotions, and real regular problems afterwards that would/could/does make reconciliation that much harder.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JamieMc,

there are online sites where men discuss where and when to find hookers with details such as appearance, when they were most likely to be working, rating them on ability, what they were willing to do and what they charged.. It was mind boggling to me, they were discussing them like they were livestock up for auction! The men referred to themselves as mongers, short for whore-mongers. As I was sifting through some of this info I had to stop to up chuck, it was that disturbing to me.

It’s not that I don’t believe you, I do. I know these sites exist and have visited them. What I find totally unbelievable about these sites, well the ones I looked on at least, is the sense of pride these men take in their whore-mongering. I have no issue with any unattached bloke that takes himself off to a prostitute, that’s his business, and I wouldn’t judge him. But I cannot for the life of me understand their pride. I would have expected to see men riddled with feelings of inadequacy, guilt and self-loathing, no what you see on those sites are men thriving, enjoying and taking a certain amount of pride in their “hobby” of paying for sex. I so don’t get that.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 3:29 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO chose to be with prostitutes because they were "wrong" and it was bad and dirty and taboo. He had been a victim of SA as a child and he explains the need to go out and have sex with a prostitute as a release and a form of confirming his self loathing

I can so relate to this. I honestly believe this was the motive behind my SAWS seeing hookers as well. It's like they try and find the most disgusting way to debase their self since they feel they are so worthless. One of the many things my WS said to me on D-Day was "What kind of fucked up person pays for sex"? Well, I think we know the answer to that.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish that I avoided this thread because as I stated before, to a large degree I "don't want to know" what these men do with hookers. I never asked my XH many details. But I keep reading this and learning stuff I don't want to know. Guess I have nobody to blame but myself for that!

Hobbyists? I am on the Internet just about all day long every day between work and play and while I have seen my share of icky ads for stuff like Ashley Madison, I have never run across anything about "hobbyist" websites to help them with their "monging." I am not curious enough to search that out and I am serious when I say I "don't want to know."

I divorced my XH in 1992 and I shudder to think how much he could have expanded his "hobby" with the help of the Internet these days though he doesn't seem to use his computer that much so maybe his same old methods of finding them (or them finding him) work fine. I do believe there was some way he hooked up with women (hookers or maybe just free sluts, I don't know?) on the CB radio.

Of course I can hope for his sake, and our children's sake he is not doing it any more, but I sure would not take any bets on it.

Go out and find some REAL women! These are the same pathetic men that think the whores actually want to have sex with them!

There were things that my XH said that make me believe that he actually did think those women "liked it" and unbeknownst to me when I married him when I was 19 and he was 26, I now think that most of his prior experience was with prostitutes and that is what he compared me to and I believe he was disappointed with my responses to him, thinking I should love it and overeact the way the paid whores did. Yeah, I'm sure they really loved it.

It makes me feel all the sorrier for the XH. He was not very good at pleasing a woman. I don't like to talk about it or think about it. It wasn't that "bad" I guess but my current H, who has only been with 5 women in his life, and married three of them, is just way better in that department.


Posts: 5684 | Registered: Apr 2006
AnneOther
♀ Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bobbi Sue, I just wanted to say sorry that this thread is triggering for you. If triggering is the correct word, I am not sure. Sorry anyway. It sucks. It’s a sordid world we find ourselves dragged into.

There were things that my XH said that make me believe that he actually did think those women "liked it" and unbeknownst to me when I married him when I was 19 and he was 26, I now think that most of his prior experience was with prostitutes and that is what he compared me to and I believe he was disappointed with my responses to him, thinking I should love it and overeact the way the paid whores did. Yeah, I'm sure they really loved it

This is so correct IMO. It’s like teenagers exposed to a lot of porn, or men who use a lot of porn regularly, they develop a skewed sense of what sex actually is, what women actually like and don’t like, how women actually act between the sheets. Because it’s all false. I would think if the majority of your XWHs sexual experience before he met you was with prostitutes, then yes he maybe/probably did have a very skewed sense of what real intimacy is, how real women have sex, and would have been expecting “whore like” actions and reactions from you.

It hurts, disgusts and saddens me that any woman is exposed to those kind of expectations in a marriage.

The problem IS his though, not yours. Don’t lose that fact out of sight, ever.

And as for them thinking their paid for whores actually enjoy their work, if they are that deluded they probably also think that Dustin Hoffman really is autistic.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess maybe those who choose to stay and R have a harder time dealing with the horror of prostitutes than those of us who choose D. I was initially mortified, and repeatedly mortified and sickened by the knowledge that FuckTardExSpousalUnit was doing street whores. Now, it's so far away from where I'm at mentally that it barely registers on the radar. I won't go so far as to say that it doesn't hurt anymore. But, the longer I'm away from him and not exposed to the abuse and trauma, the easier it is to not even think about it.

The only thing that I know for sure is that, because of the level of deceit and betrayal, there is no way in hell I could ever trust anyone again. Funny thing is that I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by not being in a relationship or even dating. I finally realized that I am not the one with a hole in my character. I'm not missing a damn thing. It feels good to be whole again, and healing.

Thank you SI

[This message edited by EasyDoesIt at 8:14 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)]


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3688 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, if these men go to the prostitutes just for the sex, why did my husband go???

He is disabled, and has to actually give himself a shot in his penis in order to have an erection. Then, he doesn't even 'feel' the contact normally.

What does this say about me? He was willing to not only be unfaithful, and not only defile himself with prostitutes, but do it for very little (if ANY) sexual feeling, and 99% chance of NO RELEASE - if you know what I mean.

So...what was HE doing???


(Sorry for the TMI) I didn't do it for effect - I just want someone to know how I feel - he tore up all our lives, and didn't even 'get off'!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


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