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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M334455, thank you for the lead. I was able to find my first Tryn post. It was on May 7, 2010 in the LTA XVII.

Atsenaotie… <snip> Everyone is different. But I think you might be ready to for my post…

Almost 3 years ago, how time flies.

I was going to write more, but I do not believe the insights I found are of value to anyone but me. I will say that it was profitable going through my early LTA posts to note how very much has changed from then to now, both in me and within FWW.

I was fortunate to arrive here at a time when there was a cohort in the Tribe just a year or so ahead of me in their journey. They were able to both empathize with my current feelings, and give me a glimpse of my possible futures.

I was ready for Tryn's post then, but we (FWW and I) were not ready for R. It would be another 4 months, after I moved out of the house, until FWW would actually commit herself to wanting to stay M to me, and begin to work on her issues. Her issues that had prevented her from being a full and authentic member of our M. Personality issues that had made session after session after session of MC over the years essentially a useless waste of time and money. Not patience, but fear had kept me in the M after dday. I was not ready for R either.

At about 18 months out, I realized I could survive and thrive without FWW, and that I had real choice. I had options, and it was my call. That is when I believe that I was truly ready for working on R.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. I am going to give LTA another try. I have been on SI since last August. I was directed to the LTA thread by another member due to my sitch. I attempted to post a few times on the thread, but never was acknowledged and never got any replies to my questions, so I just stayed on the other forums after that. I guess it felt like a private club that I wasn't invited to join, so I didn't. I do know alot of the posters from other forum's however.

I guess the reason I came back is because all of my feelings/emotions/trust issues stem because it was a LTA.

My XWH#1 cheated throughout our entire marriage, mostly EA's, a few drunken ONSs, internet, that type of thing. I eventually got tired of it and filed for D when he was having an EA/PA? with an 18yr old girl. He was 45. It hurt, but I had fallen out of love with him a long time before that, so I was at the point of not really giving a shit anymore. Also his affairs hurt, but never like this LTA has. I was always able to put it behind us (or maybe rug sweep it myself) for all those yrs (20+)

Met WH#2 while going through the divorce from hell from XWH#1 (yes, I know, should have not done that). Anyway he was so different from XWH#1, always attentive, loving, everything I had been missing from a marriage for all those years with XWH#1. I thought we had the perfect marriage. I even took a job out of state (really good $$$) and flew home every weekend. It was a dream job and would have really skyrocketed my career. I had been on this job for 6 weeks when OW called to tell me she was WH#2's GF of 2 yrs. I was crushed, got really sick, had to quit the job because I couldn't function in another state at a job when another woman was living in my home during the week and engaged to my husband.

He immediately said it was just sex and would end it with her and sent her a NC text. He gaslighted and I bought it and put all my efforts into being the wife he wanted me to be. Think of JuneCleaver/porn star. Just what he asked for.

I thought we were in R and everything was great. Decided to take my career down a different path so I could be a stay at home worker/JuneCleaver/porn star. Took a out of town class that took me a week to get certified. I stayed with his sister and he would call me everyday and tell me how proud he was of me.

A month after getting back, starting to launch my business and had lunch scheduled with a friend after meeting a client. I was looking for my earrings to match a necklace and thought they may be in my jewlery box. There I found a note from OW that she had been back in my home, the affair never ended, and he contacted her when I went out of town. It now was a 3yr affair and R was not false. I was again crushed, but decided I had had enough.

Again he refused to admit anything until I showed him the evidence. Again he was sorry and would do whatever he could to save the marriage. He loved me and didn't want to lose me Blah, Blah, Blah. Again I fell for it, but this time I gave him boundaries, told him he had to go to IC, and figure out what his problem was. He agreed to everything and has done hardly anything he said he would, except transparency which is limited to his cell phone and pay check and he's home every night. I decided to give him a year to see if he would get his head out of his ass and try. He just contines to rug sweep and wants to act like we are back to normal. He refuses to talk about the affair and gets defensive when I bring it up now. I know we are not in R and I can never really trust him again. I would have already filed for D, but am having health issues and need the insurance coverage right now.

I guess my main question is how does anyone get over a LTA? He took 3 yrs of our marriage and flushed it down the toliet. He lied and cheated on me for almost a 1/3 of the time we have been together. How can he tell someone he loves them and be engaged to someone else?? How can he just jump back and forth like that with his feelings over that amount of time and feel no remorse for what he has done to both of us. Not that I care what he has done to her, but she is a human being with feelings too. I know she honestly loved him (or thought she did in her own distorted way). He could never answer this question other than he never loved her and only said it to shut her up and keep the sex coming. How sick is that??? I guess I am just trying to make some kind of sense out of something that I can't even begin to understand.

The sad thing is that I really loved this man and who I thought he was. Now I don't even know him anymore. Was it all a lie??? Did he ever really love me or was it all an act all along???
OW said he only stayed with me because I was smart and successful and she could never make the money I make so that is why he was with me and not her??? I know that what she says doesn't really matter and could be a lie, but how would she know this without him saying it to her. If he just wanted sex, why did he share so many things about me with this OW. She knew everything about me and I didn't even know she existed.

Sorry I know, I'm all over the place with this post, but that's how most of my days are now. Thanks for reading it if you managed to get through it all!!!


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay folks,

Time for some of that wonderful support and advice.

My M is done! Divorcing. W has been working very hard on getting to this point, did not want to work on the M, and uttered those words that "the door is closed".

Her choice to D. I still love her amd willing to work on the M. My choice is to proceed and D as I will not stay in a M where my W expresses no interest in continuing the M nor is willing to work with me on improving the M.

So this sinks in for both of us. W says we can continue to stay in the same home (no rush to establish separate living arrangements as she is comfortable) and I respond no, I need to make this happen quickly including separating because staying with her and still loving her would only contribute to my misery.

So converstation turns to dividing the life we have lived for over 20 years: children, assets, income. We agreed that DD and DS should stay in our home until they finish high school.

Fantasy #1. W currently works 25 hours per week. I asked her if she palnned to work full time post D. She said no, and in fact, she will reduce her hours to spend more time with DD and DS if the additioanl support is needed.

I make a good inclome and a little more that twice what my wife would earn full time. Currently, our combined income is very comfortable. We are able to use W income to pay for oldest DD college tuition (private university) and do lots of extras.

Post D, I will continue to finacilly support my children. I am willing to pay the house note (pincipal, interest, taxes and insurance), health insurance including out of pocket, auto insurance, and clothing. I expect W to contribute by paying for the household utilities, the food (whether at home or eating out), and the kids activities. W responds with the kids are so expensive and starts listing how much their activities cost.

Our kids have expensive aspirations for college and I am willing to support tose aspirations. W noted both that she could live on her portion of the savings we have and that we have savings for the kids college tuition (one and the same). I would like to set aside the savings for the kids college as I do not trust that my W will (be able) to contribute half the amount in the future and the complete expense will be mine.

W notes that she wants to help set me up in a nice place nearby. We have accumulated a lot of nice things and I note that it will be expensive to duplicate. My expectation is that I will separate with the cash equivelant of all our possessions that she will retain even if they are not spent now (as I may in the future depending on where my life goes).

W responds that "oh, I should get a lawyer to protect me" I agree and suggest we work out what we can, she hire the lawyer to represent her and draw up the agreement (and if her lawyer tells her she is entitled to more, we will discuss and I will possibly contest)

Fantasy #1. The financial comforts of life will be the same as they are currently in the M. And I will continue to support HER finacially.

Fantasy #2. We can share custody of our children with visitation every other weekend. Out children need both of our active parenting.

In reality, parenting of our children is an ongoing process in a somewhat ad hoc manner. Conversations during dinner, conversations started while working on homework, conversations as child leaves for an activity, observations of friends visiting, overheard conversations of phoen calls, etc. These all yield valuable opportunities to learn, support, and nurture our children. And the occassional argument of a child with a parent. The other one of us is there to observe and support. I need that as a parent and IMO so does my W.

My kids have a home. A home where the eat, sleep, study, visit with friends and just hang out. They have busy lives as teens doing activities with their friends and not with their parents. A faimily event, an occassional dinner out but most of the parental / child interaction is the daily interaction as they live their lives. I WILL MISS THAT!

Fantasy #2. Our children will continue to get the same amount and quality of parenting that they do now. And we both will get the same amount of happiness from being with our children as we do today.

I welcome any input on proceeding with the D.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi TrustGone, welcome back.

I attempted to post a few times on the thread, but never was acknowledged and never got any replies to my questions, so I just stayed on the other forums after that. I guess it felt like a private club that I wasn't invited to join, so I didn't.

Actually, I was the first of a few in LTA to reply to you; the post right after yours on September 6. I wrote about a page of advice.

How can he tell someone he loves them and be engaged to someone else?? How can he just jump back and forth like that with his feelings over that amount of time and feel no remorse for what he has done to both of us.

Back in September, you mentioned that IC diagnosed your WH#2 as a SA. Has he done anything towards this, worked on treatment? If not, and untreated addiction would be the likely answer to many of your questions.

I guess my main question is how does anyone get over a LTA?

I do not know if any of use got over our WS's A. We get to acceptance. We get to where we understand that our WS's A had nothing to do with us (despite the resent post fest on this ). We learn to detach, focus on us, our jobs, our family, and we detach from our WS; or our WS does huge effort to make amends, re-orient themselves, and we create a new M together in R.

But I do not know anyone to get over it.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:13 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.. I went back and read some of my post.. Have I been thinking the same for a long time.. I saw this..

Posted: 12:57 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010 As a comparison, let me show you a chart and study about Rats, appropriately named here and a part of nature, like infidelity. I say … The closer you get to discovery.. the more intensity the blame gets to protect that ego, that self esteem. DDAy.. you are in full defense intensity mode. Because you cannot run anymore...

Exactly what happened to Gotta!

YOu too TrustGone

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:11 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopeandchange
Make her wish come true.. YOU don't move.. ask her to move.

MAKE IT HARD FOR HER... You heed my advice. She is the one NOT making the choice to get her head back in the M, not you. You only file the papers to give her what she wants.

"No honey, you are going to have to move and it is in the best interest of our kids to stay with me. I agree with you, the kids need to stay in a place they know. Please remember, it is you choice not to be in this M, not mine. I am working hard on quality. I am the one working, not you. Get your head back in the M and I am willing to try again."

Her defense will be to make you the bad guy. The reality is this all falls on her.

Don't be mean.. be nice. W, this is about you. I am giving you want you want and you don't have to go through 12 steps to get there. It will come sooner.

W notes that she wants to help set me up in a nice place nearby.

oh how kind of her..

Call her back and say YOU will help her find a place SHE can afford. I am telling You this because the men in my group who have gone through this all say what you are about to agree with is a mistake.

And.. it ain't over until it is over. I don't think you are making a mistake by giving you W what she wants..

I cannot talk right now.. more later.

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:34 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your post Atenaotie. I am so sorry if somehow I missed your post back in September. I will go back and try to find it.

No my husband never went back to IC after he told him he sounded like a SA. He went to IC a total of 3 times and then wouldn't go back. He has continued his rug sweeping ways and I know now that we have no way to R this marriage. I guess I was just trying to understand now what thought processes could be running through a person's mind to think like this. Maybe I will never know the answer to that question.

Hi trynhard. I guess I must have missed something as I didn't understand your graph or how that related to me.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG...
Again he refused to admit anything until I showed him the evidence

that was an old post to show what BS do to protect the ego. I did have to laugh at it..

EGO will bring grief to an end. The want grief to end FAST.. they lie to protect it. more later..


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn - Thank you so much for your very insightful post. You gave me so many things to think about - it will be a few days before I wrap my head around them all.

You very correct on that it really is all about commitment. My WW spoke with her past actions and continues to speak with her current actions as to her level of commitment. I have made a clear commitment to my kids, I will be a daily part of their lives no matter what sacrifices I need to make on my own. I decided that already and will strongly back it no matter what the consequences are for my own well being. Separate from that though - am I going to fully re-commit to my wife. I think my previous commitment to my kids has allowed me to gloss over this commitment question. Honestly right now, I have no idea what the answer to that question is - lately I have just been feeling numb to all of this I think.

Is our intimacy lacking? My wife has been my only serious relationship my entire life. Do you know if it is lacking if you dont even know if it was ever missing? My WW has cheated off & on our entire time together. Many days I wish I never knew about this whole LTA - my life was just fine before as I understood it.

You may be very right that the level of commitment, intimacy, level of love and trust that I receive will be dependant on my decision as to what I do with OM2. Many things to think about - thank you.

PS - I am sure that many have the opinion that just doing it for the kids is not good. If they see Mom & Dad fighting all the time it is worse than them being separate. Our family life is nothing like that actually. We never really fight ever, they see us show each other much love all the time and are given lots of love from both of us. If it was a bad home situation I would agree with the opinion it is better to separate but that is not anywhere close to our situation.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back Trustgone

Ok. I am going to give LTA another try. I have been on SI since last August. I was directed to the LTA thread by another member due to my sitch. I attempted to post a few times on the thread, but never was acknowledged and never got any replies to my questions, so I just stayed on the other forums after that. I guess it felt like a private club that I wasn't invited to join, so I didn't. I do know alot of the posters from other forum's however.

I to felt that way when I first posted here. I was persistant though

This is a great group that has a ton of knowledge with these LTAs.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrustGone,
LTA Part 29, page 39

But none of that applies now as then you thought you were in R...

I guess I was just trying to understand now what thought processes could be running through a person's mind to think like this. Maybe I will never know the answer to that question.

I learned there was no rational understanding of FWW's irrational behaviors. That was a part fo my getting past the A to acceptance. I tried really hard for a long time to understand. Part of the drive I had for details was to find the piece that would make it all make sense.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:55 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok on blackberry driving and typing...

H and c

180 her.. Review and do!!!

Tell her she will need to come up with utilities next month.. She needs to understand what it means to be single.

Reconsider all you have promised.

Tell her you spoke too soon until you get a lawyer. "Sorry you are making this decision"

Look I know 4 men who have been exactly where you are at who have come out in a far better M.

I don't want you to lose hope but I also think you must enforce the consequences of this final ultimatum. Every man in your position must get to your point. It's not bad.. read 7yrs post.
Your good will come with this choice no matter what happens.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know if it is lacking if you dont even know if it was ever missing?

My M was (is?) similar. I now know that FWW feared emotional intimacy. She phrased it in MC as wearing an emotional body condom like the big, whole-body condoms in the movie Airplane. She always had one foot out the door in any relationship, including our M. She feared she would loose control of herself if she let anyone (including me) get too close.

Therefore, I had an emotionally intimate relationship with FWW, but it was one-sided; unrequited. She can be more aware of her issue with intimacy, but I do not think that we will ever have a mutually intimate relationship. She may now know not to trust her feelings of fear when we become very authentic and close, but that fear and discomfort will always be there.

What would M be like with a person who could return my love, allow me in to her heart as I allow her into mine? I will never know. I think this will always create some trust issues. I will always wonder if I am getting true feedback from her.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:45 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H and C..
Half of all bills.. You stop all services you give her. Now! Make sure you make it clear this not punishement but her choice to know what it is to be single. I will now be respocible for me and she will be respocnible for herself.. We share the kids stuff. Whatever you do, don't move out of your bed and NO WAY let her think sex will win you back... That is the first thing she might try and don't fall for it.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess that is my major issue right now is the details of the LTA. Not the actual details of the PA or anything like that. I guess to me it is more of the details of what his thought processes were at the time. to be able to carry on the affair for so long without me having any knowledge of it. Now of course I see things a little more clearly, but at the time I never doubted he loved me or even concidered he was cheating on me. Also the way he can look me in the eye and lie with such confidence is amazing to me. He can still do it, but I have caught on a little better to it now. He is a chronic liar and lies about stuff that he has no real reason to lie about other than it may make someone else think badly of him. Again the ego talking I guess. Anyone else have any insights into a WH's LTA thought processes?


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H and c

Do not lose your cool. All this should be matter of fact.

Start doing all services on you own and accept no gifts. Ask her to respect your need to disconnect unless she is 100 percent back in the M

Nothin less than 100!!!

Peace brother. Your good is coming...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok on blackberry driving and typing...
Ok, tryn, this has got to be he most disturbing thing you have posted! Please tell me you are just being funny!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H & C, I agree with tryn, even if he is risking his life and everyone else's to tell you this.

You don't move out, let your W. She is the one who wants to be single, let her get her "bachelorette" pad and the kids can visit her every other weekend.

Really, your children are old enough that they don't need mommy like when they were much younger. They still do need her, though. What they need more is their unselfish, stable parent to be their anchor. That is you. And, you should stay in the home, especially since you are planning on paying for the majority of EVERYTHING!

You get a lawyer and protect your ass, h & c. I know so many men IRL that have done this. They just give their STBXW everything and agree to all kinds of crazy money decisions. About a year after the shock and despair wears off they are kicking themselves in their ass because they now have no money, no nothing left. They are burdened by the heavy load they agreed to carry for a women who doesn't give one little bit of care for the hardship they have caused. They laugh all the way to the bank. Please, I am not saying you are a fool, but don't be foolish. (((H & C)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h and c,

Solicit advice for a good D attorney if that is the decision, and get him or her interviewed and under retainer.

There were steps my attorney told me to take that I would not have expected, that were very different from how life normally works. He also helped me to avoid pitfalls.

Let the attorney get you the best deal you can get. You can always provide your x more, but then it is your choice.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trustgone, sorry if your initial posts were missed. I know no one intentionally ignored your posts. Just keep posting and asking questions.

I guess my main question is how does anyone get over a LTA?
Some people do and some don't. In my case I didn't so I hope you don't mind me responding. It was a dealbreaker for me. There are others around that are in R and can give you a different perspective I am sure. The main thing to remember is that in order for you to even have a chance of moving forward your WH has to be remorseful, transparent, willing to actually work on himself to figure out why he did what he did, not active in the A, and respect the boundaries you put in place. If he was doing all of that it may be easier for you to face some of the questions you have but when they rugsweep imo it's like getting repeatedly punched in the face on a daily basis. I know in my case that is what ended up making it a deal breaker for me. My WW couldn't do the work to fix herself and wanted to rugsweep her issues.

How can he tell someone he loves them and be engaged to someone else?? How can he just jump back and forth like that with his feelings over that amount of time and feel no remorse for what he has done to both of us.
If your WH discussed the A and what he did it would mean he actually did something bad and would have to take some responsiblity for his actions. They have to lie for so long in an LTA that imo TTing seems to be the first response if you get any response at all. While all A's are bad, imo, their is a difference between the type of person that has a ONS A and a person that willingly and repeatedly lies to their spouse for years while having an A. So rugsweeping means they don't have to face what they actually did. They may feel guilty but remorseful is a different story. If he wants to remain married to you he has to do the work to fix himself. He has to figure out why he did it wheterh it's because of low-self esteem, FOO issues, or whatever but he needs to figure that out.

He could never answer this question other than he never loved her and only said it to shut her up and keep the sex coming. How sick is that???

My WW is really religious and recently decided after going to bible study one day that she needed to accept whatever consequences came her way. I asked her where were her religious convictions when she was out having her A. Seh meekly replied, "I didn't care then..." Yep, she didn't care which actually makes sense to me because she was in the FOG and literally didn't care about me or anything else at the time. they compartmentalize and justify their ations in all kinds of ways to be with AP's. I gave up on trying to figure out why since she won't work on her issues but it did feel good hearing her say for the first time ever that there were actual consequences to her actions but in my case it's all water under the bridge now.


The sad thing is that I really loved this man and who I thought he was. Now I don't even know him anymore.
I am so sorry for you because I felt the same way. The man you knew is gone. You have to believe the actions he shows you now not his words. His actions seem to be those of someone intent on rugsweeping and not facing the disaster he brought on you and your family. If he doesn't want to own up to the mess he made you have to focus on taking care of yourself and your family. You can always 180 him until you feel strong enough to make some decisions one way or the other.

She knew everything about me and I didn't even know she existed.
OW didn't know you at all. She only knew what lies and half truths your WH told her to keep the fantasy going. They have to tear down the BS to justify what they are doing so please don't believe anything OW says. She has her own issues to deal with, focus on you and taking care of yourself.


Thanks for reading it if you managed to get through it all!!!
I made it through and it wasn't all over the place at all. I don't know if I answered any of your questions but I wish you the best. I completely understand how you feel. Dealing with a rugsweeping WS that fence sits for whatever reason is no fun. Focus on doing what's best for you and taking care fo yourself.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

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