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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant..

Hisfool inspired me recently.. I will share it soon.

This was yours..

I call this one.. Inflydelity

My self image

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:59 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrustGone

You have mismatch hours in your M.

Given your situation.. I might suggest if you R, you fix that. Mismatched hours is the hardest thing to over come.

Be wise! I think you know...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, March 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you tryn for reposting my pic....

as for your sex therapist...get a new one....there are many of us who watch soaps and still love sex....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell

For you


[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:04 AM, March 7th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Tryn,

First of all, thank you for sharing your story. It's a good reminder that no matter how different our approaches, at the heart of it, we're all trying to recover from some version of the same experience.

See, I just don't agree with what's below.

“sharing that inner thought” My point was that we should share only the inner thoughts that are GOOD for the relationship. Do you have a better example?
Maybe.. this..
Man thinks his wife is too fat. Should he share that thought? If a man that shares that thought is not going to not get his wife to agree to hold his hand, let alone sex. In fact, a man says his W is too fat many times, he is going to disqualify himself from her love. On the other hand.. If a man thinks his wife is too fat, he can lead her… by “Honey, I am going on a diet, it will be great for my health, do you want to join me?” or “I am joining a gym. You know? If we both go, this might be a time we can spend some quality time together, would you like to join with me?” or “I want to start now eating healthy foods sweetie. Will you help me by not buying junk food, if it is in the house, its too tempting"… or.. how about this.. say nothing. Love your W for who she is… as she is...

I disagree. I think that sharing "bad" or unpleasant thoughts can be good for the relationship, and suppressing them can be bad. If my H thought I was too fat, I would want to know. Directly and honestly. I see the above approach as passive/aggressive. Plus, those strategies sound like the kind of amateur psychology my kids saw through by the time they were ten. Honestly, I'd be offended if my H approached it that way. I'm a grown up. If he feels I'm fat, I want to know that. And I want to know how he feels about it - is he worried about my health? Does he find it a turn off? A direct approach helps me know something about him, gives me the power to make an adult decision about whether or not I want to do something about it, and gives him the opportunity to express how he honestly feels about something.

I worry about an approach that advocates anything less than open communication between people. Particularly a situation like the above where one partner feels/wants something but doesn't express it clearly so that other partner can decide what to do about it. And I think relationships were there has been an A are particularly fragile in that regard - I think A's often come about because the WS, or both partners, are not good at expressing needs, wants, fears, desires, disappointments. I believe open communication, even when it's unpleasant is absolutely critical. If I can pinpoint a place where my marriage went wrong, it was that we were both doing way too much protecting of the other from things that felt unpleasant.


So, my sex therapist says.. A woman who watches soaps during the day will expend all her sexual desire and not want to give you sex later that day. He says a woman won’t even know it. I know, sounds crazy… but the pro says it’s studied to be true. Please just assume it’s true..

Ok, I haven't watched a soap since General Hospital when I was in high school, but this just sounds like utter nonsense. I'd like to see one single reputable study that draws this conclusion--then I *might* be convinced. If I had to make a stab at a correlation between soap watching and sex, my guess would be that if someone is watching a lot of soap operas (i.e. more than one or two that they follow regularly--how many are there? I don't even know) it's escapism as a symptom of depression, and lack of interest in sex is also a symptom of that same depression.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sad that anyone feels unwelcome here. Please don't. There isn't a poster here who does not wholeheartedly welcome your choices to join our group.

Please forgive us if we seem clique-y. Until recently we hadn't had too many new posters in a while.

Since there are so many new folks (who I hope will stay) I'll tell you the super-brief version of the M3 story. WH had a 20 year LTA that I discovered during the 7th year of our marriage. I was 5 months pregnant with my 4th child at the time. I recently gave birth to our 5th child. He's 3 months old. I'll update my profile and try to give a bit more support in the hope you will feel more welcome.

I think everyone views LTA a bit different, but to me it's sort of a support group / group therapy thing.

Still -- there is no magic panacea for your emotional ailment. We can encourage you to figure out where you want to be and how to get there -- we can share resources we're aware of and things that have worked for us and things have not worked for us -- but it may or may not be useful to you.

Please feel welcome. And don't worry about the backstory of the conversation.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone watch Victor?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what is "victor"???


sister i am with you about open communication......with a very small however....if he thinks i am fat (which thank god right now i am not.. ) i don't know that i would want him to tell me.....unless i am an unhealthy fat i think i wouldn't want to hear it from him because it would be hurtful and then that might have other feelings come into play....and for a change i could honestly say that when i WAS fat pfm never once said anything to me...he was still attracted to me physically...although in light of what the judge looked like thats not saying much.. ....but still at the time i didn't know about the judge (ow#2)(and a total cow)....and i always felt desired and loved for myself......little did i know that was his speciality!!!!! anyways...i think one needs to be carefull and use common sense when telling someone personal....about the rest of it though i agree completely...open communication is the only way to live "freely" as opposed to burying your feelings.....nothing ever good comes from burying your feelings and i agree that it will in time harbor some resentment!!!...


anyways good morning tribe....and m3 how are those beautiful kids....i remember when you had baby paddy... ........time does fly.....and on the level of recovering from this shit thank god it does!!!!! although when going through it time for me seemed to stand still in my head while the world went on around me and i foggily missed some important small milestones in my kids lives emotionally...i was there only in body and minimal spirit......its amazing to me how much time has passed and i still feel "stuck" in my recovery in certain instances...while i am moving forward, achiieving my goals, i still have no desire to clean my house and decorate for the holidays....so i do the bare minimum and chug through it all.....i do believe though that once i finally get to that point where pfm(my ws) gets out i will get that back..not that i ever want to clean.. ...but i do like a clean house... ....ok im ramblin....

and for my story, its all in my profile...in nutshell my ws, pfm (prayformiracle) was never faithful, never intended to be faithful so after almost 20 years of marriage i discoverd ow#1, she was there for 30 years, then i discovered ow#2, she was the judge and there for 12 years and yes he had all of us and then i discovered #3 and #4...and then i stopped looking!!! and even with all that discovery i did give him a chance...he blew it big time with continued lies....he used to post here at si, now he doesn't!! the ws forum called him out on all his shit...

and thats the jist of it...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Victor is Victor Newman from the "Young and the Restless", I am assuming. Am I right, tryn'?

And, I think you are agreeing with brooke4 on the communication post. Which I wholeheartedly agree with, also, and with your post, too, miracle.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think one needs to be carefull and use common sense when telling someone personal....about the rest of it though i agree completely...open communication is the only way to live "freely" as opposed to burying your feelings

Well stated.....take the infamous question that makes men cringe. Does this dress make me look fat? Please don't ask the question if either answer will be wrong. Instead ask the question do you prefer this dress or that dress on me? That way I can answer I'm not so sure if I like dress #1 but dress #2 makes you look FABULOUS!!!


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle -- I agree with you re open communication. Personally, I'm a simple soul and find anything else too headache-making. The other point that brooke is making -- which I totally agree with -- is that this isn't a "male" or "female" thing -- it's an individual thing. I'm with brooke -- if I'm putting on weight, I'd prefer it that my WH tells me, tactfully. I'd see anything else as cowardly and PA. Reunite -- you're absolutely right. The best answer is, "eh, that's not so flattering on you. I think the other one looked better." It's 100% true, and it's constructive. What more do you need to say?

Similarly, I'd back up what she said about women checking out men -- yes we do, and we do have lustful thoughts. I'd say that one of the saddest repercussions of the A is that I used to never check out guys like this. Sure, if a particularly handsome guy walked by, or if I saw Ryan G without his shirt on, I'd say "whoo-hoo!". But now, I'm much more conscious that, should I choose to do so, I could easily pick someone up and have my way with him. I see possbilities whereas before it never even crossed my mind. Not that I'm even mildly tempted to have a RA... it's just that I'm so much more aware of the possibility, and the hyped up sexuality that is HB means that I feel very, very hot right now. (I know, weird, right?)

Anyway, the point to this rant is that we're individuals and have individual responses. Sometimes we conform to stereotype and sometimes we don't. The thing is that our partners need to know us well enough to know what we like, in terms of communication, and vice versa.

And brooke -- I, too haven't watched GH since high school -- well, some when my kids were babies and I was home with them, but I heard that there was a 50 year reunion, where they brought back a lot of the old characters... may be worth checking out! Luke and Laura!

[This message edited by Blobette at 8:57 AM, March 7th (Thursday)]


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


And brooke -- I, too haven't watched GH since high school -- well, some when my kids were babies and I was home with them, but I heard that there was a 50 year reunion, where they brought back a lot of the old characters... may be worth checking out! Luke and Laura
!

Oh God. Based on my high school reunion experience--not having laid eyes of many of the reunitees since Luke & Laura days--I might be better off leaving those two as memories. Luke had the look of a man who could eventually end up bald...

I'd given GH up by the time I had kids, but I distinctly remember nursing and staring dazedly at Regis and Kathie Lee (I know, dating myself) and actually finding it entertaining!!!


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trynhard,

Sorry I did not understand your post about mismatch hours in my M. Did I miss something??


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to stop watching soap operas when my middle child, DS26 was 3 years old, and started trying to kiss me like the people on the soap operas. No, no tongues, but he would kiss me on the lips and try to kiss me for a really long time and move his head back and forth.

They really are awful and I haved not missed them one bit. I avoid most tv programs that have any element of the soap opera drama. "The Good Wife" "Revenge" "Scandal" "Grey's Anatomy" and there are countless others.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think one needs to be carefull and use common sense when telling someone personal....about the rest of it though i agree completely...open communication is the only way to live "freely" as opposed to burying your feelings

Well stated.....take the infamous question that makes men cringe. Does this dress make me look fat? Please don't ask the question if either answer will be wrong. Instead ask the question do you prefer this dress or that dress on me? That way I can answer I'm not so sure if I like dress #1 but dress #2 makes you look FABULOUS!!!

I don't disagree that tactful communication is better than brutal, unvarnished honesty. But there's a difference in the scenario above and what I was talking about.

The scenario above is your W asking you for feedback. I've been one end of this equation many times, and I know it can be a lose/lose proposition. I completely agree there are tactful ways to handle it, and if you obfuscate a little, well, no one's really harmed (even if all your friends look at your W and think, wow, for a thin woman she looks HUGE in that. Why didn't Reunite tell her? )

The other scenario is that you, as an H, are no longer attracted to your W because she's fat. That, IMO, does require open and honest communication because it's an issue relating to your needs and feelings, neither of which can be brushed under the carpet without causing problems in the long run. Tactful is still good, of course.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I did not understand your post about mismatch hours in my M. Did I miss something??

Trustgone,

Sorry, I didn't see your story. Are you and your H on drastically different schedules? i.e. one of your works nights?


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't watched soap operas in years. They got way too bizarre for my liking. My favorite as a kid was "Dark Shadows". My brother and I would race home everyday after school to watch it. I remember when they cancelled it. We were devastated. I know theres a movie now, but people say its stupid and nothing like the original soap.

Victor never did anything for me.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure what. I feel "bad" that I hurt him. It wasn't overt.
We were talking about our DS's. Talked about an incident that happened to DS. It was whilst FWH was in the thick of his affair and was totally checked out from all of us.

FWH said "I don't remember that. " I replied "Yeah, uuummmm, you were busy."

FWH shut down. I feel..........bad? Ashamed? Do I apologize.

This is a post I made in Reconciliation. I feel it applies to what we are talking about right now. Yes, it hurt FWH. But, I was hurt, too. Immediately when he said he didn't remember the incident, the thought was of course you didn't, you were in the midst of an affair, in the midst of your secret life. I should just sit with my hurt and not express it?

It was a pretty big deal, too. Our DS was involved in a fight in High School, defending himself. Both boys were suspended and FWH doesn't remember this? My DS26 has a lot of issues. Partly I feel because FWH was so checked out.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrustGone ~ Loved "Dark Shadows", too, and I had to run from bus stop so I didn't miss the beginning.

I haven't watched the movie with Johnny Depp, either, as I heard all the same bad things about it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister,

My take would be dependant on how good your FWH is at remembering things in general. Does he generally have good memory recognition? Is he the type of person that drives somewhere a year ago and can get to the same spot again without looking at a map? If he has a good memory then I wouldn't feel bad at all because he clearly checked out, thats why he doesn't remember and your jab wasn't that bad really. If he is someone who generally has a bad memory, then if it was me I would have given a bit more info to help jog his memory before the jab. The jab overall was not that bad if said in the right tone.

[This message edited by ReunitePangea at 10:20 AM, March 7th (Thursday)]


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
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