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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats & TG

UKg ~ I am sorry that it seems that MrUKg's affair seems even more *real* than MrSister's. My FWH's infidelity didn't include all the *love* stuff. To be honest, I don't know if I could try reconciliation if I had to deal with the whole *love* or probably llluuuuurrrrvvvvv aspect of FWH's infidelity. The other stuff is already killing me.

he just lets MOW sneak around on the periphery of our lives
I wouldn't be able to deal with this, either. It is bad enough that OW tries to be on the periphery of our lives, but MrSister doesn't allow it at all. I understand why you wouldn't want to continue on in a marriage like that, it makes me sad for you and the children, though.
it was real. And it was real for both of them. The swelling of the heart and surge of endorphins, the delicious sexual anticipation at the very thought of the next meeting. The intimate sex, oral sex, the smell and delight, the smiles on their faces, the orgasms they shared. I hate that that he has snapshots and film memories he can revisit anytime. It’s a one-way street. He had it, I didn’t and I can’t. All that he had from her; a woman not his, all that she had from him; a man not hers. I hate her casual confidence. Everything is too late now. Too late to have it, too late to keep it. Too late to recapture it. Too late to change it.
Exactly, that is so how I feel UKg. Am I going to always feel this way? I feel I am doing okay and then BAM! your quote hits me full force. It doesn't help that the coming up week is when the Letter came in the mail.
someone who lies about where she is and what she is doing.
What do you mean by this?

ats ~ I love your cookie analogy. It is so the truth with a lot of store bought baked goods, isn't it? Unfortunately, my FWH's infidelity is like the cake analogy, although I wish it was like your cookie analogy. Wouldn't it be great if cheaters gained 50#'s every time they cheated? I mean, with all the cookies and cake being eaten you'ld think they would be gaining weight left and right. I wonder if they would still cheat if they did indeed gain weight?

miracle & MC ~ thanks for all your wonderful answers to my posts, I want to respond to some of it, but it is getting late and I am playing Bunco with my friends tonight, so got to get going. Hopefully I will get to it by tomorrow.

Night, tribe!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone for making me feel welcome on this forum now. Hopefully I can keep up with everyone before long and also learn all of your stories.

Trust this is exactly how this forum works It takes time to know one another and sometimes it's so busy, it's hard to keep up. At times I need to take notes to remember who said what, and I'm a slow reader so by the time I read everything, I don't always have time to respond to everyone and figure I'll do it the next day, and the next day there's ever more

Ironically, too, the forum can be very slow, like in the summer and people may not post for days!!

So, all newbies, you are more than welcome. The boards have been so busy, that maybe not many had time to respond, but the people here are wonderful and kind. Give us time to get to know each other.

The people on this site have literally saved my life several times over the past few years. I mean literally. We are all at different stages in our process. Some are considering R, some in full R, some in limbo, some going through D/S. But what we all have in common is that Looooong Time Affair, which I really believe is a different kind of animal to deal with. There is too much to process, and ironically for it to be a LTA, the marriage is usually a long one too with established lives and kids involved.

H&C: Lawyer up! Listen to everyone, and especially M3 who is a lawyer. Keep posting as much as possible to help you through this.

UKgirl: I am so sorry. You tried for so long. You buried your pain and hurt and tried to make this work for the sake of your kids, and I truly understand how hard this is because of your mutual lives and family. I'm coming to this point too. It's not even the A anymore, but the aftermath that I can't deal with. It's not worth it. The WS did not do the real work for R, just really did some rugsweeping. It's like with the flooding with the hurricane in our area. Most people had to completely gut the house because of the mold, but those who just got rid of the obvious stuff and did not remove everything, will still deal with the mold years to come and it will grow and fester.

Jollum!! Good to see you. Give us and update on how you are doing.

Ats: You are sounding good, and I'm so happy for you!!

Tryn: Thank you for all the time you put into your posts. I may not agree with everything you say all the time, but there are many things that you have posted that are helpful and gets one to think. I know you are trying your best to help everyone and for that I thank you for all your efforts.

NJgal: You, also, have always been there for everyone and have been a great source of support and understanding for all. Thank you so very much for all the time you have given us. God bless you and your wonderful big heart.

Miracle: I'm so glad you are back with us. We missed you soooo much!!

I'll have to go back and reread some stuff to help me remember


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
cheerless
♀ Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...along with the trysts, the time spent, the secrets, the sharing, the texts and calls but mostly the knowledge that at the time it was real. And it was real for both of them. The swelling of the heart and surge of endorphins, the delicious sexual anticipation at the very thought of the next meeting. The intimate sex, oral sex, the smell and delight, the smiles on their faces, the orgasms they shared. I hate that that he has snapshots and film memories he can revisit anytime. It’s a one-way street. He had it, I didn’t and I can’t. All that he had from her; a woman not his, all that she had from him; a man not hers.

Yes, this kills me and I can't stop the mind movies. I can't un-see it, I can't un-know it. Dammitalltohell.


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Cheerless. The mind movies are horrible. Usually they say you have to go through the pain, but with the mind movies, just shut them down. Do something else to distract yourself, something mindless like solitaire or journal. It was suggested somewhere (don't remember where) that if you are obsessing, or can't get those thoughts out, journal for 5-10 minutes and go on with your day. Every time it comes up, journal.

There were some days that I would journal for 5 minutes, start doing something else and have to journal again. and again. It does help.

Trust: I know how very deeply hurt and betrayed you feel. My NPD WH did the same thing (and still does it) with OW and OC. Stayed at my house, slept in my bed, used all my things, cooed in my kitchen. You feel violated, almost like your soul, your life, your spirit was raped.
WH also had me buy clothes for OW which he told me was for his sisters. (I found out the truth from 2 reliable sources, one the daughter of one of the sisters) and buy clothes for the OC's which he said were for his nieces and nephew.

From what you are saying, Trust, that he is starting to hide his paychecks, I would visit a lawyer to get to know your rights. You don't have to do anything right now, but it's good to know where you stand.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister -
someone who lies about where she is and what she is doing.

What do you mean by this?
Little fibs about keeping tabs. Going to the library when I was down south to check his Linkedin and then wait to see if he was going to tell me about the response or if he would say there was nothing and delete it. Fibs about where I was when I went to MOW’s local town to post the info to her BH. Snooping through his stuff without telling him. Checking his phone. That sort of thing. I never did that before, I didn’t feel the need to.

Now he’s trying to bribe me. Says he is sorting a place to rent in NZ through someone at the golf club who owns a property in the town where DS1&2 are, for us to go for Oct/Nov/Dec, maybe take DS4 too and get him to apply for a work visa or to visit the unis there. I would love to go. I miss them so much. He doesn’t want a divorce and I think this is his offer. Dunno.

The people on this site have literally saved my life several times over the past few years. I mean literally.
And for me. And let me know I wasn’t going mad, I was actually quite normal. Hugs to you Honest.

Hello Trust and hello cheerless. Stay around and get to know us all. I believe there is a fireside bar somewhere…………..

Have to go. Have a good weekend everyone.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you honest and sister.

Sometimes I think I must have a few screws loose to even continue to put up with this crap on a daily basis. I put up with it from XWH#1 for 22yrs, but like I said it was so different to me then. Maybe its my age now or the fact it wasn't just a drunken ONS with no real love exchanges, just sex. For some reason it did not seem to affect me like this has.

I have already seen a lawyer and did file for D right after DDay #1, so I am well aware of my rights. Plus I've been down this road of D 10yrs ago. In Texas you don't really have a lot of rights as a BS. I will have to sell everything on my farm and don't think I can afford to to buy him out unless I do. He refuses to move out of our house. I was such a basket case after DDay#1 that I believed that he wouldn't do it to me again and listened to all of the blame shifting. Now I know he is nothing but a liar and a cheater, but I can't divorce right now due to finances and health issues that I am currently having. I am seeing another specialist at the end of the month, so hopefully he can figure out what is wrong with me and that it is treatable. I have been misdiagnosed for 10yrs and almost died a few times due to bleding issues in various parts of my body. The first was bleeding in my brain, then my stomach, then my liver, then my esophagus, now my female organs. Each hospitalization has costs me bundles of money and I won't even go into what care flights have cost me and my insurance companies. Each time I think they figured it out, only to have it happen again somewhere else. I finally said this last time, I didn't want to just take care of the bleeding, but wanted to know why I keep doing it. That's when they finally discovered I had very few platlets in my body and once I start to bleed somewhere I can't stop it. External bleeding is OK, it's the internal bleeding that won't stop once it starts. I am a true "House" mystery and am waiting to see a doctor that is highly trained in this field to hopefully get to the bottom of all this. Sorry didn't mean to sound like an old woman going on about my health issues.

WH#2 did show me his paycheck yesterday and all his hours are accounted for this past week. He is being extra sweet to me lately, which just triggers me that much more. He thinks that by being sweet, taking me out to eat, being semi-transparent and not talking about his LTA that it just will all go away in my mind. Like they say it's not really the affair that has killed the marriage, it's the rug sweeping, and continued lies that have killed it for me.

I so wanted to be one of those people in R and for a year I thought I was, until DDay#2. Then I knew it was not going to happen. I can't truely have a marriage without trust. That was what was important to me when I entered this marriage and he knew that. Now I will never trust him again or trust my own judgement of people.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now he’s trying to bribe me. Says he is sorting a place to rent in NZ through someone at the golf club who owns a property in the town where DS1&2 are, for us to go for Oct/Nov/Dec, maybe take DS4 too and get him to apply for a work visa or to visit the unis there. I would love to go. I miss them so much. He doesn’t want a divorce and I think this is his offer. Dunno.

I was wondering what his reaction was. I mean, it sounds like a great adventure, but it's not really going to necessarily heal anything. I just think it's almost like you two aren't speaking the same language. In my observation, which could of course be totally off, there's sort of a pattern with you guys. Where he doesn't really do the work but makes a gesture, that while heartfelt--I really don't think he wants to lose you--isn't really what you need and want. You debate whether to accept it or not, sometimes do and sometimes don't, but feel the stab of him not getting what it is you really do need.

This is a great chance to really tell him head on. Not in a letter because that just gives him the chance to dodge your pain, but face to face.

sending you a pm about something else.

x


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trust: have you been tested for von willebrand ...its a disease in which your blood cells do not make von willebrand factor which means you will be prone to internal bleeding, heavy menstrual peiods etc....look into it...i saw it on an epsode of trauma:life inthe er last weekend...


ukgirl: what have you told him and when did you tell him.....did this offer of going to nz come after that???...and i think you should go to nz and after that persue whatever you want or need to persue.....i know how much spending time with your kids means to you, especially since you don't see them as often!!

cheer: the mind movies do SUCK.....hon you will have to find a way to stop them......and only you can figure out what works for you...each of us have different ways of stopping them.....the worst are the days when you seemingly can't get away from them.....on those days if you have a xanax or something to help you cope and take that edge off....journalling can take you through them where you are getting them out of your system...and then there is that ugly little 4 letter word you hear alot here on si...T I M E......in time they get better as long as you do something about them.....you need to be proactive in your own healing, its the only way to heal...as much as a cooperative ws helps the healing process, if a bs is not proactive the healing process will not only take forever and a day, but never finish....kwim..

hi jollum: good to see you

ok..like honest, i can't remember anything else i read..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cheerless

Believe it or not, the mind movies are a way our brains heal. What is going to happen to you for a very long time is they will repeat over and over.. it will seem endless because they last for months and months. What happens very slowly and very microscopic, with each mind movie, they do fade. Give yourself time. Be wise right now. This is the time your H must realize he needs to attract you back in the M. This is done many ways and I know what he needs to do but he may not. A good IC can help him.

Hisfool, this is you too. Your H must be attracting you back to him.

Many people on this tread have disagreed with my position that you focus on yourself and change. First, what happened to you was a choice YOU did not make. It is never a good choice for a spouse to cheat as you know the consequences they caused. So, if you can believe, change a value, to stop placing blame on others and start focusing on how YOU can change a become the most attractive woman.. the consequences will be you feel much better about YOU. If you play victim, you will be a victim.

Laura made a post for us all to fully believe and live our own lives by… I can be happy without my spouse.

All we can control is US. If we are the most attractive beautiful person, that is all we can do. And the learning never ends. Our emotions and feelings might take us down the wrong path, we might make a bad decision at time.. so we must always be grounded to what we believe. That will protect us. I am doing the best I can do and if others make choices not to respect me, love me, pay attention to me, they are no longer qualified to be in my world. But I cannot be a Hypocrite. I must look very hard a myself. What is it about me. To think you were that good is not going to change you. Study good values, study good behaviors.. the be that person.

Try hard to focus on good things in your life right now. Try hard to think and be postive. If you try hard to think.. Hey, I am going to start doing things that are good.. you begin to think good thoughts.. good thoughts bring Good feelings.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:30 AM, March 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brooke,
This post is about reconciliation.
You can place a label on my suggestions and call them as Passive-aggressive. We all have each one of those described mental illness within us. All to one degree or another. My own obsessions have resulted in very positive things. I have wealth well beyond most Americans.
So I challenge you…
Tell me this… if you are not attractive to your H because he is overweight. It is disgusting to you now. What exactly will to tell him?
Brooke, “ ????”
H, “So you hate the way I look” he thinks, he feels.. what? Will he disqualify himself?

A value to us all should be to take care of your own body. But after years of liking what we like, to change and eat carrots is not so rewarding. Eating is natural human requirement to live.. we store fat. A most difficult value to enforce. It take a person of strength. We can offer our strength in two way…
1) We share our most deep inner thoughts. Very hurtful thoughts to the M and to our spouses.


2) We choose what is good for the M. We choose to encourage, to support, to reward, to lead them… And it is done starting with very light pressure.. or maybe implied pressure. A passive way. That is the healthy way I have learned.

In this way, If someone is not respecting their own health, we can build the pressure with some consequences later if we need that. It might get to a point that our spouses are unable to change. We then decide what we can take or not take. The ultimate end is you give the ultimate consequence like H&C is faced.

For me, if my W gained weight to be 180 lbs., obese or whatever. I would not find it physically attractive. I would still choose to love my W. I can accept her physical appearance. As long as she continues to romance me, have sex with me, loves me with affirmations, loves me with services..etc.. That is my W’s true test for me. Others, I know there are men who have different values.

But should I find something that is totally disgusting to me. I think we must approach it in a way that is completely fair. You keep your attractiveness in-tack along the way. Allow them to really understand in a slow way because change take time and most get to a point they make the choice to change.. or should they make the choice not to change and do their part to make sure the M is strong… I make a choice to change knowing I was completely fair along the way.

And this same thing can be applied to any behavior our spouse do. Weight is just an example.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me,
So, my sex therapist says.. A woman who watches soaps during the day will expend all her sexual desire and not want to give you sex later that day. He says a woman won’t even know it. I know, sounds crazy… but the pro says it’s studied to be true. Please just assume it’s true.. YOU GOT THAT! Anyone watch Victor?
How should a man handle this situation? How can I compete with that?

IWANT.. as for your sex therapist...get a new one....
brooke4.. Don’t believe it.
Sister.. She vomits.

I pose this as food for thought not to offend others. This is about R.

Sex therapist say soap meets some woman’s emotional needs to a certain small degree. If the soap is meeting it, you are not.

Do you force your W, stop watching that sex, romance, Disaster filled drama show shown to mostly woman? Nope.

If a woman likes soaps, like trash novels, figure out how to harness those energies toward YOU. And the list is long.

Many men visit porn..an even more intense show.. Ask yourself the same question. How can you harness that as a woman? Should you say NO.. RESPECT ME! You are a sex addict! or do something different? A tough question to anwers.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:37 AM, March 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K -- couple of thoughts.

(1) Who cares whether or not the A relationship was "real" or not? It's not your relationship. Eyes on your own paper.

(2) The cookie analogy: I kind of got lost and then I got to the part where ATS was saying "how satisfying can it be... the car... not getting caught... ya da da..." Well, for some people that's another BONUS of the A -- it makes it more exciting for them.

cheerless -- it really does just take time. They go away. They really do. Heck, I was so despondent that I was on the floor of the garage with a boxcutter ready to end it all -- and then the baby kicked and I realized that I at least needed to wait until she was born. And then I was mad at him even more for that too. I was actually planning to kill myself in the hospital after she was born. Anyway, that was 3 years ago... point is, it gets better. Eventually, you just don't care as much.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(2) The cookie analogy: I kind of got lost and then I got to the part where ATS was saying "how satisfying can it be... the car...

m334455 I never mentioned a car. Not once in that post. You must be projecting. So tell us, why do you think of cars when thinking of sex... Sorry, I cannot help myself.... Tryn, I miss your old posts with the pictures instead of the 1,000 words. iwam, is this how "non-traditional students" spend their spring break? Slumming on infidelity discussion boards?

UKGirl,
You have tried and hung in for so long. You deserve a happily ever after ending to your story no matter how it turns out. I am so sorry your fWH continually put his comfort ahead of your needs. Honestly, it seems like if he would just set aside six months to really listen to you, be 100% honest and authentic in his response (and I say 6 months because this will take some practice), the two of you could build a future together.

I have been spending the last 5 months working on my boat after thieves stole parts of the engine, all of the electronics and did a lot of damage in the process. I am almost done with the repairs. I understand my boat systems much better. There are some improved parts, it runs well, and it looks better than before. What is lacking is trust. I am nervous to take it offshore. What if something is not quite right or I missed something in my repairs? For the next few months, I am only planning to operate it in the bay or inshore until my confidence returns in the boat. I will enjoy having my boat back, but I need to trust everything is working well before I will be able to relax.

My M is a lot like that right now.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:06 AM, March 8th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone give guidance on how to post from an iphone? When I try to log in, entering username and password, I am kicked back to the forum page and am not logged in.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
cheerless
♀ Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for you support and advice. I truly appreciate it.


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantamiracle,

Thanks. Yes. My hematologist tested me for von Willebrand and has ruled out type 1 as it is the most common. The other types have different symptoms than what I am experiencing. He is really not sure what is causing it, hence the new specialist that I will see at the end of the month. I just know that once the internal bleeding starts it is hard to stop without going in and manually stopping it, before I bleed to death or with the brain anyerism they did an emergency craniotomy and clipped it. They have also, such as this time, used drugs to stop the bleeding, but as soon as I stop them, I start to bleed again. I never know what internal organ it will attack next. The doctors in the past have just treated the bleeding and gave me a diagnosis for that one organ. When it was my liver bleeding and then my espohagus bleeding they immediately said I was an alcholic. No matter how much I told them I was just a social drinker, they wouldn't believe me. I have not drank any alcohol in almost two years even though I knew that was not my problem. Granted after DDay#1, I did pull a major drunk and feel sorry for myself period for a couple of weeks, but that was not the norm for me and I had no problems giving up alcohol after that. Of course the doctors jumped all over that as the reason without doing any further testing. I finally demanded this last time they find out what is causing the internal bleeding issues and not just fix the present problem. Thats when my gynocolgist sent me to the hematologist who discovered the very low platelet problem, which accouts for the internal bleeding. Now all they have to do is find out what is causing that before it happens again somewhere else.
This is the major reason that I can't D at this time. After looking back each bleeding episode was preceded by a stressful sitch. I think a D at this time would literally kill me as I don't think my body could take it. Thanks to all for taking the time to read my whine for today.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all,

This post from tryn hit home for me:


Tell me this… if you are not attractive to your H because he is overweight. It is disgusting to you now. What exactly will to tell him?
Brooke, “ ????”
H, “So you hate the way I look” he thinks, he feels.. what? Will he disqualify himself?

In the years prior to the A, I had ballooned up to 290 lbs., having gained over 90 lbs. since my M. I was in grad school along with running a business. I was busy, did not really move my body, gave up skiing and any exercise, just sat behind a computer. Maybe I did disqualify myself.

My wife had lost all attraction to me. There were other factors as well, like abandoning going to church with her and the kids, plus more.

She spent a lot of time in IC talking to her shitty therapist about how to talk to me about it. Physical attraction was important to her (sexuality is a trouble spot for my WW, but that is another story and set of FOO issues).

Guess what? In spite of all the rehearsals in IC, she never confronted me about it. It was easier to avoid and have a secret crush 2000 miles away. (side note, crappy therapist, condoned this EA at the time with the idea "it's nice to have a friend to bounce things off of.') That's how hard this subject area is. She did not know how to put pressure on me to take care of myself. To tell me how important some issues were. We are fixing that now.

A lot has changed for me physically. The weight was connected to my FOO stuff in a large part. Starting in Jan. 2012, I started taking care of myself. I lost 20 lbs. at first. Then dday 3/5/12, and let's say the weight loss didn't stop. I now lift weights and am in as good shape as I was in 1994.

Plus I am skiing again!!! see below. I should have used the name Whiskey Jack as opposed to MCJack...

Photo from yesterday, great day, 20 year anniv. from when I got engaged. "Wafflegirl" (tryn's nickname for my WW) took the pic.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 12:22 PM, March 8th (Friday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC_Jack, Great pic!!! Looks like ya'll are having a lot of fun. Enjoy!!!


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope: sorry i cant help you out with the iphone....my phone is about 5 years old waay wayy outdated and i still do'nt know how to operate it completely.. try contacting the sites admin.

ats: springbreak?????...i graduated from my program in june....with a 4.0 too!! I am now working.....and as of this past week my hours were cut so i have a bit more time.....my hours though since i started this job have been all over the place.....but thats another story...

m3: i love that you want to look forward...for alot of us though we need to disect it all, make it make as much sense as we can, rationalize it...and basically analyze it to death.....its how some of us process it all....i envy those who don't....

i can say though that it is changing for me, which i think is a hugely important sign of letting go....i actually told pfm last week that i no longer care about any of the details...imagine that.....!!! oh, he still wants to reconcile.... ....so not an option!!!......for those of you who don't know me...i was one of those peeps that needed, i mean really NEEDED to know all the details...never got em!!! and now i don't care...how wonderful is that!!!


trust: i suggest that you get on your computer and do as much investigative work as you possibly can...my sil diagnosed my niece with a very serious disease because she was not getting the answers....and went for dif opinions because no one could find out what was wrong or kept poo pooin her.....but she persisted and went on the internet and found the disease that fit all of my nieces symptoms.....and its a serious one!!!

tryn: again i thinks we need to agree to disagree....i think your comparable to porn is so off.....i think what humans define as entertainment is just that entertainment...watching these soap stars by all means does not even come close to satisfying a single need, sexual or otherwise...if anything it would energize the need to reach out to someone L I V E!!! ....otherwise they turn to b.o.b...

oh and mc you look great and you should be proud of yourself "getting healthy"..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 1:15 PM, March 8th (Friday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....i actually told pfm last week that i no longer care about any of the details...imagine that...

Good for you, I think that no longer needing to know details is one of the big signs of healing progress.

Congratulations on your graduation and 4.0 too, though now that you mention it I think I do remember reading about that.

Looking Good MC, but put a hat on, it looks cold.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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