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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't you think you have to accept the truth and reality, thought you would like the reality to be,[/bold] to be able to move on and accept?

Sister: the part about what you want the reality to be and what it is can be the hardest part and why a lot of us try to analyze and figure out what the A relationship was. If we are trying to R, the thought that the A was not "real" makes it feel safer to R.

In many cases, it may have not been "real" in the sense it was their full life. But, an LTA is different than a short term A or a ONS. It had become incorporated in the WS's life and the domino effect on the BS's life and kids' lives is there.

I feel that in my case, the A was becoming more real and replacing our M. WH put more time and effort into the A and their relationship and I got less and less and was demonized so he could rationalize his behavior.

The main thing that I have come to understand by being on SI and the LTA forum these past years, is the WS must have NC and be 100% into wanting to R for it to work.

The WS must put the A and the AP in the past and say it's over and done.

The BS does have to look at what the A relationship was to a certain degree. It's a new reality and it's extremely hard to come to terms with it.

It's a long time and a lot of new info has to be reconciled with what the BS thought to be true.

We have to see who the WS really is and not who we thought they were. Is this a person who made a mistake? Had tremendous FOO issues? Has a lot of personality disorder traits (or has a personality disorder)?

It's hard not take the LTA personally like there was something so VERY wrong with us, the BS. Of course we are not perfect, but we didn't force the WS to make this decision. We were not in the decision making process on this.

The BS needs to heal, whether or not R takes place. The focus on the BS to become a "quality person" is not to get the WS back, but to help the BS heal and get back our self esteem and become a stronger better person for OURSELVES.

Looking at ourselves we can say, "OK, my cholesterol is too high, I should take care of myself and eat more healthily.
Or
-"I've gained weight and I don't feel as much energy"
- I've always been a little impatient with people and that hurts me in the long run. What can I do to resolve this?
- I get resentful because I do too much work around the house and don't ask for help... I should ask for help.
- I work so hard and don't take time to enjoy some hobbies/activities. Maybe I should set some time aside each day or week to: draw/paint/play tennis/read/ etc for me. A balance. Not selfish, not forgetting about family and friends, but something for me.

All these things help heal. Help the BS have some self empowerment and in the long run help them make decisions about what to do with the M or if they can R.

More later.... I'm rambling


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spoke with my DS today to tell him about the pending D.
- W's choice and I am honoring her choice. And the good news is that I still love her so I am not pissed and will be able to have a good relationship.
Lot's of questions:
Urgency. Because it is not right for me to continue to live with someone that does not share the same enthusiasm for the relationship.
- child support. Yes, I will be able to take care of you and your siblings.
- Will I still be able to play baseball. Of course, the only change should be the time you get to spend with both your mom and I.
-how much does mom earn. Mom earns enough to have a nice lifestyle, not the same as we have now.
- retirement. Yes, it will reduce the lifestyle for both of us in retirement as we are cutting our assets in half.
- would you remarry. Possibly, companionship is important in life.
- would you get an apartment nearby. I will get a home nearby. I do not intend to become a hermit and will have a place where I can entertain and relax with others, friends. I have devoted my time to my W and if she is not going to be part of my life, except as your mom, then I need to develop other relationships. That is important to my happiness.
- can I keep our dog. Yes, it is your dog and he should stay with you. DS- mom hates the dog. h&c- yes, mom would like me to take the dog and she thinks the dog would be good company for me. The dog is yours and if that is what you want, the dog stays with you.
- housing. DS wants one home, period.
- college. Hwo will it be paid for? Will you pay for most of it? Mom and I will share the responsiblity and we have savings that we can use to pay for it.
- h&c - it is a sad time for me. Understand, that I will take care of you as I have in the past. That is the type of person I am. Your mom also wants the best for you and your siblings.

Right now, your mom and I have differing views on the post D living: do I stay with you or does she? If we cannot work this and other issues out, yes, it could get ugly with lawyers. I do not want that. It is unnecessary.

I have a very thoughtful, empathetic DS (15) and could not have asked for anything better.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have struggled with my husbands LTA for over two years now, trying to make sense of it, at least an explantion that I can live with. I really have just given up now. There is no sense in it but selfishness. I am just letting it go. He treats me very well, we get along fine, but I just wanted more than that. I wanted a new beginning, one built on honesty and forgiveness.

I just know now, that isn't going to happen. I won't get the answers I need because he is incabable of even understanding the questions. Actually, it is rather freeing just to let it go and quit trying to fix it. It happened, can never be erased, and it is either get out or shut up. Even though it feels like he is in a sense benefitting from his bad behavior, I have got to just let it go.
Cloudy here today and rainy. Days like this always depress me.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1175 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i gots nothin on add

hope: wow, its sounds as though you have an amazig son.....its good that he has his questions, and that you have been able to answer them all...i wish my son's had more questions....


kansas:letting go is freeing...its also soooo much easier said then done...emotions do not always do what the head wants.....especially if you feel he is still not honest....


honest: glad to hear you are steppin out......


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could only grant him two years of my life

I gave my wife four years. Two during her LTA and when I did not know why thingw were so difficult between us. And two after I found the condoms in her dresser drawer.

Still, I am willing to work on the M; she is not and we will D.


The most important thing is to know we were not at fault

Ah yes, UKGirl. This is true and not always easy. In my sitch,
the closest my W has come to responsibility is "I should have handled our marital issues differently". She has never uttered a negative word about the her AP. And she has told me that she lacks "feelings" (desire) for me, personality is what matters, and she lacks respect for me. She has told me "she just wanted to be with him", MOM had a way with people, and that she asked her girlfirend to join a threesome to fulfill MOM fantasy. AP - respect, check, personality, check, desire, check. And her BH? Rejection is HARD!

So, W has not put in the effort to work on our M or herself for the past two years and has finally started IC to help her D. W had not read any books (started one on sexual additction, started one on boundaries) and I convinced her to read "when good people have affairs" this past January. She got a lot out of the book to support her desire to D. Anger. One of the reasons she had the A was she was agnry at me. OK. And she looks forward to D so she will no longer be angrry as the things I do make her angry. My mystery, why not tell me and work with me on those things. "there is nothing you can do"

My little rant today as I feel really, really crummy.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl and Sister
You both are so spot on with your post on the A.

But, the fact is, when he was doing it he was enjoying the hell out of it.

I have huge jealously issues

I am jealous of the emotional highs, the despair, the exquisite pain, the passion, the intimacy, the love, the intensity, the mutual adoration along with the trysts, the time spent, the secrets, the sharing, the texts and calls

Too busy for me. Responded to text from MOM in 3 seconds (literraly, I ran the statistics). Talked on phone more often and longer that she did with her mother. Sexual fantasises "they were his and I just played along"

And my W has "consoled" herself that the A was not that important as we already had "marital issues".

We were at her parents over Thanksgiving with her brothers and they were showing home movies. Her mom was commenting on how lovely her ex dauhter in law was - this is the same daughter in law that cheated on her son (since remarried). I commented to my W on how insensitive this was and how much it must hurt her brother (he rested on the sofa and did not comment on the movie) and W replied "they had marital issues before the A anyway".

Right now, life stinks! Time to walk the dog.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C, dude, why do you love that woman?

In your posts just above, you provide a pretty good description of not what feeling crummy looks like, but what being married to a crummy person looks like.

ETA: maybe I am coming across harshly. I don't mean to be. You have just been so honest and loving. And loyal to your vows. That's what M is supposed to be. Isn't that what respect is about? Yet there are those folks that want that they can't have.

I predict that when you are D, you are still in YOUR HOUSE, and find someone new, you will be blown away by what it feels like to have someone care about you and not just herself.

I have been a fan of your efforts, but I am glad for you (even if you are not) that you will get a new beginning.

And please do not subsidize that cake eating STXWW. You are not her daddy.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 6:49 PM, March 9th (Saturday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C: I'm glad that your talk with your son went well. Keep reassuring him that you are there for him and that both you and his mother love him. As reality of the D hits him, he may have more questions and he may feel more hurt about the sitch.

Kansas: Have you gone to IC? It can help you to get through this and perhaps your WH may agree to MC or to sometimes go with you to IC. It may help him see that in order to go forward in the kind of relationship that you want (a healthy one) he has to be on board and not just rugsweep.

Like H&C, I had a talk with DS 17 (who will be 18 at the end of the month). He was asking about when he father was coming back and does not want him to come back...... I also told DS that WH will be bringing OW and OC's to the US in the summer and wanted to bring OC's to my home for a visit I said that was NOT going to happen. I said the shit is probably going to hit the fan at that point and it was the beginning of the end because his father will be very angry. DS said that it was over a very long time ago when all this started. DS also said that his father doesn't love anyone.
I never mentioned to DS that I suspected WH was a NPD. But DS has often said that "everything was about WH", he doesn't care about what others think and feel. Also, DS said he thought that his father might also have ADD because a lot of things he does is like his younger brother (DS 14) who does have ADD(not said in anger) Like for example WH might pick up the phone when I'm in the middle of a sentence and say he has to call so and so before he forgets. I've called him out on this and he says if he doesn't do it right away when he thinks of it, he'll forget. I told him, fine, but next time, say that. Say "I'm sorry, I have to make this phone call;...." He does remember now. So it's either the ADD, or NPD where he wants to look good. Who knows? But it's all toxic.

Acting nice and giving me compliments and then calling OW in front of me and giving me the silent treatment when he gets upset is not worth the pain.

So many times our tribe members have posted that when someone show who they are, believe them.

People have told me the same thing over and over again. It takes a long time to sink in and then there's an aha moment when someone else says the same thing, and you start to get it. If you didn't heard it before so many times, you wouldn't. It's like in the story "The Miracle Worker" about Helen Keller. Anne Sullivan spent months spelling words in Helen's hand when finally the light bulb lit in Helen when she was drawing the water.

My IC said I do have PTSD and I realized that everytime NPD comes back, it hits again. This last time was a doozy and then this summer coming.

I have to do what it says in the "Shawshank Redemption": "Get busy living or get busy dying"
I thought I was in limbo, but actually was dying a long slow death.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
I'm glad that you have had this honest, open conversation with your sons.
What are you going to do?
Do you have a plan for the summer?
Can you see an attorney to find out your rights?
Can the NPD just waltz in and bring the OW and OC into your house without your permission?

Is there somewhere you could go to get away from this toxic mess?

His treatment of you is just awful.
And it is so toxic for your sons to see this!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal: Getting away from the toxic mess is an open invitation for NPD to just bring them to my house.
I do have to see a lawyer about this particular situation to see what my rights are, and ASAP. I don't know if I have any legal rights to keep the OW and OC's out of the house.

I'll have to try to think of backup plans too, even with family. his and mine. NPD doesn't care about anything except what he wants. I'll have hell to pay.

Probably why I've been so depressed these few weeks and hit bottom.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((honesttoafault)))

This sounds like a nightmare. I can't believe the jerk wants to bring his skank and OCs to your home.
You need to see a lawyer tomorrow and get temporary orders started to keep him out of the house and away from you and your children. This may involve filing for D and getting a RO. Are you ready to do that?

Are the children in couceling? If they are you may be able to get a temporary custody order that he must keep skank and OC away from your children if the councelor is willing to state that this would be tramatic for them.

Get to an attorney, NOW!!!! and protect yourself and your children!!! (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hasn't been asking to bring OW to my home, but wanted to bring the OC's to "visit" to see their brothers (my DS's). I can tell him no, but legally, I don't know if I can stop him.

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mc_Jack.. thanks for the post.. My thoughts.

why do you love that woman?

There are many reasons why I love this woman and I will not list them now. Yet, I will not / cannot stay M with a woman that does not love me. And love requires respect. Love can kindle desire. Love can allow enjoyment of things we like and let slide the things we do not like (personality traits).

IMO, a D will not increase my W happiness. Even if she met her "sol mate" and all was bliss, there are still the complications of remarriage. And I have a first cousin my age that is currently single after four marriages. Yes, four. And all four of her husbands were super nice guys. Her daughter is currently a college graduate single mom. I see an awful pattern. How can one enjoy life alone without the 24/7 committment of a dedicated partner?

ma

ybe I am coming across harshly.

Not at all. As Nell pointed out, we all need to wear the reality glasses and not the rose colored glasses.

I predict that when you are D, you are still in YOUR HOUSE

I am afraid I have raised a male chauvinist. When talking to my DS, his assumption is that the father moves out and the kids stay with the mom as this has been the way it has always worked. And he is savvy enough to say he will not choose between his parents.

you will be blown away by what it feels like to have someone care about you and not just herself.

Ah yes, the rush of a new relationship.
And that is what my W enjoyed for two years, isn't it? And she was forced to end this relationship, not by its own death, but because of its discovery. And IMO, she still sees that (type of) relationship as the given, what should be. No judgement, validation, anticipation, new frontiers.

So one is M nearly 20 years, spouse has an A, then D. One meets someone new, wonderful, loving, etc.

WhenI married my W, one of the very first things I did was have her sign papers that gave her joint ownership with everything I had earned / aquired before the M. My committment. Could I do the same for someone else now knowing the betrayal that has occurred? Could I have a truly intimate relationship with someone else without that sort of committment?

that you will get a new beginning.

Yes, I will get a new beginning. My W has complained that she is "stuck" and the D is her way of moving forward. I will be making changes in my life with or without her.

Yesterday, I told my W that we are making a mistake to D. She has much to offer me, I have much to offer her, and together we could seek out new adventures, new ways to relate, she is becoming more assertive through IC and able to state what she feels (without shutting down), and I have been working on my anger and other general relationship issues.

With a D, we will both be "stuck" in a way trying to maintain the same life for DD and DS for the next four years with more, not less, demands for our time, our emotional support, and our financial support. How can this possibly be better?

You are not her daddy

True! And I will never let my kids feel they have been shortchanged even if I get short changed in the process.

Yesterday, DS blasted a hit straight down the middle, over the center fielder's head for a triple. Game tying RBI and then scored the game winning run. This was for his high scholl baseball team.

The dog has been walked and today is much better than yesterday. Time to change the clocks and search for the lost time.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS: So,I have a boat named after me?!? That's funny.

I see u r backwith your wife? - When I was last on I thought you were separated. Glad to hear things are working out for you.

Hello & peace to all.
So many new people - unfortunately, all I have time for is to agree with what many others have said - that it does get better. For me personally,not being with my WS is what I think has allowed me to put it in my past. But everyone's sitch is different - my WS wasnt willing to R my way - kudos to all who have made it work or on their way.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: get that back up plan in place and also a plan for your future...its time to plan for it!!! its actually past time to plan for it dear heart.....do not allow him to make or force any more decisions upon you and upon your kids....


hope: do you really love your wife or do you love the woman you thought she was???? or could be???

it is so damned hard to look at these people we chose to spend the rest of our lives with after the fact.....it so much like when someone dies and you watch video tape of them....it makes the death so much harder to comprehend, so much harder to accept, so much harder to believe..afterall they look they same, have the same voice, the same sense of humor, the same mannerisms...but the sad sad truth is that the person we thought we married is no more and may never have been who we thought they were....and watching this "other" person....this "body snatcher" of sorts...makes it so damned hard to let go, because we fool ourselves into believing that maybe...."maybe"....we see that potential, we see what could be....and sadly...its not only futile, it could never be.....when we finally "see" them for who they are, we need to believe what we see....

for those that DO work on it, like njgals ws....they are the rare ones, they are the ones we all hope for, and sadly he is a rare one,,,,more often then not we need to believe what we see when we finally "see" it!!!


hello allgood....(waving arms wildly)


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope: do you really love your wife or do you love the woman you thought she was???? or could be???

miracle,
Yes, yes, and Yes. I do love my W, the complete package. When I first found SI, there was a post in General about "magic eyes". A returning warrior found his wife had betrayed him while he was away, being the good man he "forgave" her, and stayed with her much to the surprise of the community. Resentment and hatred built up in him over the years damaging his health. An angel appeared with "magic eyes" that allowed him to see the weaknesses of his wife that led to the affair and true forgiveness to take place.

I love the woman I thought she was: faithful, confident, trust worthy. I now know that she was vulnerable to being seduced by the allure of an A. My W has carried a heavy burden since I lost my vision and ability to drive. She has been the non stop chauffeur for three active children. And it took its tool on her. For me, this would have been part of life, deal with it and soldier on. My W is not I and I should have been more supportive emotionally.

I love the woman I thouught she was: self reliant, intelligent, caring and adventuorous. She still is and I have learned much from her during the time we have been together.

I love the woman she could be: a hppy, dynamic, strong and equal partner in our marriage. She can do this IF she cooses to do so. And she can make me a much better man and H in the process.

So, yes, yes and yes! I am committed to improve myself and our M. Still, my W will need to commit to this as well for our M to survive and flourish.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle

I should add that IMO, my W is afraid I will leave her. The D attitude started last May when I told her 1) that she was not putting any effort into the M and 2) I knoew where I would live and how I would move on with my life. The latter stung. Of course 24 hours later, I was ready to fix the M (roller coaster ride) and she was securing the hatches to protect herself (emotionally).

Also, I am afraid she has been corrupted by our society. After the spat in May, she had a weekend visit to an old friend (divorced twice) that flaunted her A to us (point of pride) before D H no. 1. When we were overseas, her best friend carried on an A with a local. To our knowledge, it was never dealt with / acknowledged between the friend and her BH. They are back state side and still together. My W's sister in law had an A and D her brother. Her brother has since remarried to a truly lovely woman. I doubt my W remembers the 1) remarriage and anulment within a month 2) the two year live in GF, 3) the long courtship with his current W due to complications of her children, and the compromises he as made along the way. Good outcomes take a lot of work and IMO take much more work in a second M than fixing the first M. BTW, the sister in law that had the A? Married her AP, divorced within a year. Never remarried.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the woman I thought she was: faithful, confident, trust worthy. I now know that she was vulnerable to being seduced by the allure of an A. My W has carried a heavy burden since I lost my vision and ability to drive. She has been the non stop chauffeur for three active children. And it took its tool on her. For me, this would have been part of life, deal with it and soldier on. My W is not I and I should have been more supportive emotionally.

H&C: My first emotional reaction when I read this post was "too bad for H&C's WW!!!!"
I'm sorry, but me, as a BS was doing this, taking on everything and WH carried on his A.

Ok, I'm sorry, got emotional there! And upset for you.

There is no excuse for the A. Look, NPD WH had to have open heart surgery. We went through months of him getting an infection in hospital that required him to have IV antibiotic at home while I played nurse and then going through open heart surgery and recovery where the poor dear called OW at least an hour every day and then gave me the silent treatment over something he got upset over.

If anyone had an excuse to have an A it was ME!!!!!!!

H&C, you sound like me, I'm understanding to a fault. I give other people excuses for their bad behavior. I do understand that a lot of people have problems, FOO issues, etc. but it doesn't excuse toxic behavior.

And I do understand you, lol. I love my NPD WH, too!! Why? I'm an idiot, I guess. I'm addicted to him, I suspect.

All you can do H&C is start to heal yourself and see what is best for you and the kids. If it is better that you stay with the kids, then so be it. Don't be too understanding to the point that you are shortchanging yourself.

I'm finally starting to learn and to put into effect:"Love others and you love yourself" which means a BALANCE.

Crazy thing about that. You do have to take care of yourself, because in the long run, if you don't, you are being selfish because others will have to end up taking care of you. KWIM?

That was an AHA moment for me just now.

Miracle: You said something to me a while ago to the effect that I often have said " I see it now...." and then I go into hiding...LOL
you are soooo right. I did see it and couldn't deal with it.

But, making plans. That's what I should do, what I have to do. Time is running out.

All my bones, my body, heart and sould were broken and shattered.

It's like I had bone cysts, underlying FOO issues that were so fragile, but holding my skeleton together. This trauma broke down everything to the core. All the FOO that was covered (and I thought I had dealt with) came out. Plus I had PTSD on top of all this....

What a mess.....

It's hard to sort through all this gunk. Hard to know what to use and discard. Some things I was reusing, and wasn't working and didn't want to get rid of so easily. It was comforting, because it was what I was used to like an old pair of shoes that were broken in, but had a lot of holes in them. You don't know how bad they were until you finally give them up for a new pair.

It's hard to relearn old thought patterns and emotions.

I can't thank the tribe enough. I know I am far from perfect, but everyone here has been so welcoming and kind and listens. I have always tried to be like that with others, (although I'm human and am not always at my best )

Thank you for listening to me ramble if you've come this far!!


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope:....i am with honest....i should have been the one who had the affair....cept for one thing....i loved my husband enough, i honored my committment and i wanted to preserve my family....

all of what you listed as to why she had her affair just sounds like a bunch of sorry ass excuses....i think most if not all ws's have affairs because of their own issues within.....and they use their life circumstance as an excuse to do what they want to do....they have affairs because they believe they can, believe they will get away with and believe (most) that they wil never get caught...

they also carry on, having argumens with the bs or something to further justify their behaviors....excuses are just that....justification....and worse its not the real reason....its a superficial one at best!!!

honest: so dear heart....what is the plan????time to stop hiding....you can't afford to hide!!! you need to be prepared, or as prepared as one can be!!!....if the pain is too deep, then for now put it away and just do the planning....you can do this....do you hear me...i am yellin it...YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!......


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If anyone had an excuse to have an A it was ME!!!!!!!

Me too! Yes, and especially during W's LTA things got really bad. And yes, I could tick off all of the reasons I should have been the one to have the A.

But... I had the character and strength not to have an A. I am not giving my W a pass for her choice to have an A. It was wrong. It was horrible. She did it.

Some people make terrible choices and my W became one of them. Does that mean she is beyond redemption? No. Does that mean that she failed to deal with life's issues in a proper way? Yes. Could I have helped her deal with life's issues better? Yes. And in fact, I look back on this time period and I did a pretty good job. And possibly nothing I could have done would have prevented her from the A. Her choice. Plain and simple.

Several years ago, there was a local news story. A woman confronted her WH in front of a hotel where he was with his mistress. She ran over him with her car. Backed up and ran over him three times. Big trial, woman was pillored in the media. "Why didn't she just divorce him?"

What she did was wrong. Amd now that I have been in a similar situation, I really, really understand why she did that. Only, I do not understand why she stopped after three spins over her WH. (I know, sick, sick, sick. bad h&c, bad h&c).

Enough posting for today.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
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