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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB
Most excellent. Ok, we will go with the sex theme here but this can be applied to other issues. I read in one of my W’s woman journals that men who initiate more often is a sign of how much he really love his woman. I suppose it is the same in reverse. It really is the man’s job to initiate. When a woman does it, this is extra special to a man. I strongly believe in the following as fact for most all married woman.
when I truly AM NOT IN THE MOOD

This is a huge difference in men an woman. My wife will tell me this.. She just does not have those lust kind of feelings. All of her friends tell her exactly the same. I believe this to be very common at least for woman in their 40’s for sure. Heck maybe past 30. My wife does get into it once we get started. If she does not, I quit. I might say something like this.. Well honey, if you are not going to get anything out of this together, no use in this moment being one sided. It is for both. I reset the moment by give her a kiss and say we will do it when you feel more in the mood. After a few times of me doing that, she just gets into it. I have no idea what she is thinking, but she is going to love me during sex. And why? Because she does it for me.

Frankly, if she chooses not to get into it, ever.. then she is going to face the possible end of our M. This will be her choice, not mine. And I am good with that.

SO WHY CAN'T I EXPECT the same from him???

YOU SHOULD! Let me tell you what my wife gets in return from me. In the morning, I might take my finger and run it down her back all the way to her.. Then grab her with my hand in a firm grip..lay a make out kiss on her. Tell her if she is a good girl today, she might get lucky tonight. I might text her during the day.. “what’s up? Thinking about your soft skin”. She give me a LOL…Then, when she comes home, I pour her a glass of wine and cook dinner. I serve her. Then might start rubbing her back.. All the while just talking about pleasant things. If she gets off into something negative, I change the conversation to be more positive. Then I might start.. you know.

After that.. which is what you are doing too… You had better know how to bring on a fair fight. And maybe your are about there..

So.. maybe a few days later.. “hey, I romanced the heck out of you the other night. I welcome an invite!” She better do it too. I give her a chance. Sometimes I romance her again before I give her added pressure. She’ll come home from work, I have a bottle of wine and a couple of plastic cups.. I say, hey would you like to take a walk down by the river? We go, I hold her hand, might tell her a sex story. We have come home and wham.. in the mood.

And my pressure.. It is always very light. “Honey, I want to be romanced too. I do it to you and expect you to romance me. Our joke is I use Victor, “You Got that” and I pinch her on the butt.” She might sometimes give me the hormone story.. I just listen. Say nothing. Might say, I’m going to clean up the kitchen. I don’t argue, I don’t debate hormones… but I do wait.

Next thing I know she just does it back to me.

But I think I got good at the heavy pressure back over the summer.. maybe this kind of statement..”Honey, I value you and our M. I try my best to do things that are the best for our M. I want you to make love to me because that is our best way for us to be close. It that meaningful to me. If you don’t want to be close, just tell me.”
She might get all defensive. I listen. I say nothing, I do not debate my needs. She deserves to know them, it is her choice to fill them. If she does not fill them, then I will start laying on some light consequences. “You know honey, If you choose not to be intimate with me, that is your body and I am perfectly fine with that. We need to discuss what I am not doing to attract you because I am trying my best to be nice, provide the best possible living, do my part in this M, I only ask you to want to do the same for me. It is good for the M if we truly care for each other.” I have not had to apply heavy pressure in month.

In return, she wants me to paint the downstairs. I do it. Let’s go pick out the color and I will take care of that. She asks me to do some laundry occasionally. I do it. I share in the cooking. She has car trouble. I fix it. She wants to go out with her girlfriends, I know these women are good for the M, she goes. I wish her the most fun. I take her different places all the time. Art museums, casino, wineries, antique looking, flea markets, boating, canoeing, dinners, concerts, plays, games, tennis, bowling.. We do different things all the time. I invite her every time. She accepts all the time. If she doesn’t want to go, I go without her.

See, I am in a good M. I treat my wife with the up most respect despite all she has done to me. I realize you are working toward where I am at. I truly hope you get here.

Last year in February, my neediness for sex and the rejection was most devastating to me. I wanted a D. No, I didn’t “get it.” My wife screamed at me. I told her to make me a list. How the hell was I suppose to know women cannot make that list? Women argue and think in feeling language. Men don’t! I expected her to just submit to me. And little did I know that my daily touching her, my building her up with words, my romancing her, my making out with her.. my not demanding a happy M, my word I say to communicate this, my jumping on chores she needed… on and on had that much effect on her wanting to have sex with me. And guess what, without my asking, my wife now just touches me all the time, she will just make an effort to call me to say something that is very complimentary, she makes special dinners for me, she serve me.. I am absolutely amazed.

I could have left her and found a woman and had lust feelings. But I would have ended up with the same ole thing once the mask came off. What? Another few years it takes that mask to come off? And me not knowing how to deal with a woman in a far more loving, caring, giving, and intimate way?

It takes a mutual effort to get where I am at. It took some conflicts and saying the right words, with meaning behind them. It took me to stop expecting so much in return. I took me expecting what I need once I did what she expected of me. Otherwise, it becomes one of those.. You don’t do this for me so why do it for you kind of deals.

You’ll get there.

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:52 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, we will go with the sex theme here but this can be applied to other issues. I read in one of my W’s woman journals that men who initiate more often is a sign of how much he really love his woman. I suppose it is the same in reverse. It really is the man’s job to initiate. When a woman does it, this is extra special to a man. I strongly believe in the following as fact for most all married woman.

when I truly AM NOT IN THE MOOD

This is a huge difference in men an woman. My wife will tell me this.. She just does not have those lust kind of feelings. All of her friends tell her exactly the same. I believe this to be very common at least for woman in their 40’s for sure. Heck maybe past 30. My wife does get into it once we get started. If she does not, I quit. I might say something like this.. Well honey, if you are not going to get anything out of this together, no use in this moment being one sided. It is for both. I reset the moment by give her a kiss and say we will do it when you feel more in the mood. After a few times of me doing that, she just gets into it. I have no idea what she is thinking, but she is going to love me during sex. And why? Because she does it for me.
Frankly, if she chooses not to get into it, ever.. then she is going to face the possible end of our M. This will be her choice, not mine. And I am good with that.

In my M it is the exact opposite of what you described above. I am not as extreme as your W but my W is as demanding or more so as you are. I got the deal breaker explanation as well. How unusual do you think that is? Of course during the heavy times of her LTA it was a much different story as she was getting it elsewhere.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

boy oh boy....quite chatty today..

couple of points that stood out...

blobette a couple of pages back, you said something about feeling "stupid" because they fooled as for so long.....

we were not stupid: we trusted plain and simple....


next point: cheating is cheating...i don't care if you are not married, when you make a commitment to someone its a commitment, plain and simple.....does it have the same impact...well i think all affairs have different impact depending on the persons invloved...but THEY all hurt, they all hurt on such a deep level....

not saying "i love you"...i agree with ats....i also think the 2 of you should me in mc and ic......lots of deep issues there that are long standing!! i believe he has to address his "a" as well.......you were a bs, you are the madhatter...he is not!!!

ok..thats it, cause i forgot everything else... .....

(((tribe)))


oh...honest: the bandaid, surgery, infection.....in your case you MUST deal with both the infection and the surgery at the same time....because time is not on your side, time flies....and the last thing you need is to be blindsided....you know that saying about hindsight.....you right now have some...what will you do with that information.....you know you cannot trust him, he will not do right, he hasn't so far and i don't see him starting now.....you will kick yourself later if you don't do what you need to do.....and i know you know what you need to do...and yes its scary as hell, but i would think that not doing anything and getting blindsided to be scarier!!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RP.. you once said the you are not going to MC or IC.. .Welcome to talk therapy brother.. LOL..

As for your situation opposite of mine.. Do you need Testosterone? LOL.. Just kidding. No man or woman can define the others sexuality. We all are different.

M is not living together. It is not a commitment as such. You see those geese huh? They mate for life. There is a natural reason for it.. just like M.

RSEB knew the dynamics of her H before the commitment. Fact is, she made her choice with full knowledge, right? She was no different then me. Heck, I was NOT ready to get M’d back when I go married. RSEB should have run for the hills with all those signals and found another partner.

RP.. I don’t get it? Why should I go back and deal with anything before the M? The day we said “I do” changes everything. It is the beginning of two becoming one. If you cheat on the night of your honeymoon, well you start there. Too me, when you don’t get M, live together it is because that is what it is.. A non-commitment. “sense of commitment” What does that mean? Easy sex and share expenses? Not getting M means you want your freedom to.. leave. Pretty black and white to me. I do know a couple that if they M, they won’t get government benefits for handicap children from previous M. I suppose that is not so black a white. Other than that, it means… No strings attached. Formality to me is the start day. If I start a temp a job with a company and they then hire me on, what is the start date? I have a chance to test this company to see if I am a fit… they test me. Maybe I am old fashioned or over thinking this.

But I don’t regret the place I am at today and I think RSEB is going to get there too. We’ve made some great kids and comfortable life together. And today is a new day and a good day.

RP.. Have you ever asked yourself, what was it about me that I could not see who I was marrying? That is a question we should all ask ourselves.

Was this loose boundaries?
Was the flirting with men something I should have seen and stopped?
Was my spouse always irresponsible?
Things like that.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle

Mr RSEB thinks like RP.. I don't need no MC or IC.

Yes, we can give an ultimatum to go.. does that work? I doubt it. It is a personal choice.

So RP.. why don't you want to go?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB-
Some BS react to a LTA with anger, others with grief and sadness, but still others are truly traumatized by the discovery.

Some of the things that your BH says about d-day make me wonder if he is not one of those (like me) that was traumatized by the LTA.

If so a book by Dr. Ortman- Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder may be helpful for both of you to read!

Often the BS that is the most trusting is the most traumatized as are those that have suffered trauma or abandonment in their childhood.

Then finding out about a LTA opens those old wounds.

I was one of those BS that did not say I love you to my FWH for a long time after d-day.

We were separated for 6 months and then ended up R on our anniversary weekend.

I did not want him to just move back home as if nothing happened...I needed something tangible to commemorate the day.

So, I suggested a recommitment ceremony in a minister's office with new wedding bands etc.

I did see it as a new beginning for us.

A chance to get a 'do over'.

Especially since he had made so many changes in himself since d-day (sobriety, AA, IC, MC).

So, I was hopeful about the R.

But even there I did not say I love you to him.

The minister spoke and prayed for us, my FWH read a beautiful speech to me, and I read something to him...

but the best that I could do say that I was willing to try to work to save our marriage....

all this while crying like a baby....

and then I did say something about the fact that no one had ever hurt me the way he had.....

so, not exactly the most romantic event for him but..it was a start....


I would go back and forth between wanting to reconcile and thinking I was crazy to R.

I would have loving feelings toward my FWH and then something would trigger me and I would go berserk.

There were a few vacations that did not start off too well as I triggered upon entering the hotel room and would start interrogating him.

Another time I grew extremely frustrated while driving in the car due to his refusal to discuss the details of the LTA and I threw an open bottle of water at him as he was driving 70 MPH on a highway (not recommended by the way).

I was depressed and lethargic much of the time.

I would get my act together during the week to go to work and perform there but on weekends I was a lump on the couch unable to focus on TV, or read, but instead surfing the internet ..reading on SI etc.

so..I was NOT the most attractive BS out there.

My FWH really had to work very very hard to try to get me to snap out of it.

But, he did not give up.

He showed me that he loved me every single day...in big and little ways... he cooked for me, helped around the house, tried to cheer me up.

He was affectionate and gave me lots of hugs and kisses. He told me he loved me all the time.

He continued to book vacations, and dinners at restaurants, and theater and concert tickets....

I was often quite happy but still underneath it all not 100% reconciled.

Honestly, I didn't start to see the light at the end of the tunnel until I was over 4 yrs post d-day.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe

I am leaving on spring break in the morning, taking DS to a music festival on South Padre Island. DS and I have had a really good time these past few days without my W and DD.

I will only have access to SI via my iphone and will keep up with the happenings here but will be unable to post (unless someone can clue me in on how to post from an iphone - the system rejects my log in )

h&c update. I had sent my W a text today. "Happiness. Can you be happy without me? Of course. And with me you can have that happiness and more. The possibilities are endless"

W replied "I have to judge what is best for my own happiness" And I strongly agree with her. As Tryin points out, I can give her an invitation and she can choose it or not.

This evening she called and made a small request to find a document for her. And I replied that sure, increasing your happiness (by solving your problem) would make me happy. She laughed.

So,W will return a day earlier than I from our respective trips and she will find a card with my ten promises to her:
To have fun with her.
To respect her.
To forgive her.
To give her space
To help her chase her dreams.
To admit when I am wrong.
To worry about her.
To protect her
To trust her
and to always be there for her.

Her A is done. It is the past. I am working on the best possible life and my W can choose to join me.

Best wishes to all for a good and peaceful week.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeesh, people. I go back to work for one day and y'all just blow up the board!

I can only touch on a few things.

First, Honest, yes, I would agree that the sneaking around, etc. makes OW's morals very questionable. However, it's still relevant for people on the board to realize that you have an extra huge LEGAL headache in that your WH is legally married to the OW in his home country, whether your inlaws approve of that or not.

Tryn you posted this a few pages back:

In the beginning of discovering infidelity, The WS will make an excuse, to seek forgiveness.

I'm going to give my WH credit where credit is due. He never made one single excuse. Not one. He apologized, said that I was a nearly perfect wife and that we had a wonderful life together and that he was always "waiting for the other shoe to drop" and there was nothing I could have done that would have prevented his actions.

(Oh, I'm not a nearly-perfect wife by the way, though I'm sure y'all figured that out long ago! )

Anyway, some people manage not to make excuses.

Blobette --

I ADORED my husband as well. All I can say to that is post-Dday I've thought of dozens of reasons why that wasn't a good thing anyhow. It was a nice, heady feeling, but bad overall. I could list them, but perhaps you've already figured this out as well?

Baby Paddy update:

Believe it or not folks -- she's going to be THREE on Sunday!!! Wow. Time flies.

She still doesn't have much hair. It's super-short, strawberry blonde and incredibly curly. Very cute. Her arms are ridiculously long. Her big thing right now is ballet. She puts on stretch pants, and her bathing suit with a tutu attached and gives us shows. She also sings the music. She sings everywhere she goes, especially while she's playing. I'll be making dinner and she's sitting on the floor singing while she colors or cuts paper ... the other morning WH looked and me and said "Is she singing what I think she's singing?" It was "I like big butts" by Sir Mixalot. Might be time to change the radio station I listen to in the car.

She's not terribly interested in the baby, though she did play tea party with him the other day. She's not jealous either. He's just sort of there. She's much more interested in the dogs, who just came home after a year with my parents while we were stuck in the apartment waiting for the new house.

Ok, I'm rambing. She's doing well over all. She does still have issues, but they're just something we'll have to teach her to deal with. She flaps her arms when she's upset or excited. She gets hysterical if her clothes aren't just right -- her sleeves need to be an exact length, her pants need to be an exact length, her blankets need to be a particular kind of soft blanket, etc. Very picky things that come from her sensory issues. If she were less social, she'd probably be labeled autistic.

She's very popular with the other little girls her age though, I like to say my social life revolves around Paddy's birthday party schedule.

Peace to all of you!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe it or not folks -- she's going to be THREE on Sunday!!! Wow. Time flies
.

I had to read this twice, and then do some math to believe it.

She still doesn't have much hair.

Hair is over rated.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RP.. Have you ever asked yourself, what was it about me that I could not see who I was marrying? That is a question we should all ask ourselves.

Was this loose boundaries?
Was the flirting with men something I should have seen and stopped?
Was my spouse always irresponsible?
Things like that.

I have wondered this a lot actually. Before M and in our early years of M my WW hid it extremely well. I really don't think there was anyway that I could have been able to tell. We have for the most part always had a happy relationship so I can't go back in time to pinpoint when it wasnt and say I should have asked more questions then. I gave my WW absolute 100% trust - I never once asked her if she was cheating on me, never.

Later in our M, I think she got more risky in her behavior. Probably because I hadn't known so far so maybe she felt she could take more chances. There was a night she stayed out past 3 in the morning - I said nothing. Much more frequent nights out, etc. I never asked if something was going on. I can fault myself later for being way too trusting and not having proper boundaries. Earlier on though, I have no idea how I would have been able to know. That makes it all very scary - clearly my WW is exceptionally good and keeping it secret.

So RP.. why don't you want to go?

At first it seemed like punishment for something I didn't do, now it is more just the stupid guy thing of not stopping to get directions when you are lost. I have warmed to the idea more lately - the stories that I read on here of bad MC that don't understand infidelity dont help but of course I've been looking for excuses.



BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H & C ~ Your DS is a great kid. I hope you have a fantastic spring break with him.

I wish I could help you with your phone issues, but I have the same issue as you with my phone. I can read SI on my phone but can't log in.

Now, onto your invitation to your WW. It saddens me.

I feel you are validating your WW bad treatment of you. You are ego stroking your WW. She can treat you like crap "have no desire" for you, but you are so enthralled with her and her golden va-jay-jay that she can treat you like a "friend" but you still love her and will take her shoddy treatment.

I am a woman, but I won't generalize that this is the "way women think or feel". This is me.

If I had betrayed my FWH and I was a WW who had no remorse but my BH "invited" me to join him in our marriage I would have absolutely no respect for him. I would have disdain for his lack of pride and my ability to manipulate him.

I would feel powerful and validated that my wayward behaviour was just fine, because, look my BH still wants me even though I am not remorseful and have not done a whit of work to fix me or help him heal. My PLATINUM (because mine is platinum, better than gold ) va-jay-jay is so powerful I can wrap men around my little finger.

Yeah, maybe your WW isn't seeing the OM right now, but since she has done nothing to fix herself, has said she isn't interested in you, I can almost guarantee she is scoping out her next OM.

Apparently, it is okay with you to be married and date in your WW"s mind.

It saddens me that you left that card with the promises. Why would you trust her? She doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve you. You have already given her lots of space. You'll protect her at your expense. You'll help her chase her dreams? What if that dream is an OM, which seems to be the direction she is going in, because she has made it clear it isn't you that is her dream.

I know I am sounding harsh. I don't want to ruin your good time with your DS but I can't just let this go by without responding. You are being vulnerable to someone who DOESN'T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART!!!!!!

((((hopeandchange))))

eta: to fix a sentence

P.S. Have any of you men been on the Betrayed Men thread in the "I Can Relate Forum"? If not, I would suggest that you go there and, hopeandchange, for you to relay your whole story to them and your latest invitation to your WW. I would be so interested to see how the men in that thread react to this situation.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:00 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning everyone just a quick update because I am back at the office.

I went to our MC last night for an IC session, seeing how my BH will not go to MC anymore. Our C couldn't say she was shocked. So we are working on ME now. I truly love her, she is FANTASTIC.

I told her the whole "didn't say I love you story" and that I HATED the fact that it is SO important to me. She relayed it as I am the fire that burned him and that the night before we had a good CLOSE night, so when he woke up, he felt himself pulling back a bit for his own protection which is why he didn't say it. Sounded like a good reason to me, even if she is wrong, I am not going to dwell on it or anything else my BH doesn't want to fufill. He doesn't want to better himself for our M through IC or MC, then that is his choice.

We are now working on ME, and why and what I need from him considering SO many of my needs were stepped on or ignored for SO long. I explained to her how I have this NEED to always make sure my BH is happy and content even if it means I am not. She gave me some "homework" to take home.

And the "bestest" news I have...I have been contemplating going back to get my masters in social work, followed by my LCSW...and with some encouragement from my MC..I am gonna do it.

Thank you all yesterday for your kind words and things to think about. I will check back in later.

Have a good day guys.
RSEB


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC_Jack ~ A few pages back you asked about ADD.

My DS26 has ADD. He doesn't take meds for it now. Maybe he should.

I believe I have ADD now. I didn't when I was a child. I don't know if you can get ADD as an adult, but I either now have ADD or dementia. I would hope it is ADD.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister, I think you can develop ADD as an adult. At least maybe it can get a *lot* worse. Mine has. Perhaps the trauma of the A has exacerbated it.

I am thinking about getting medical treatment. I am going to lose my job as a result of not being able to focus on my work. That will of course put more pressure on the M.

I have found two sites:

chadd.org
and
addresources.org

I realize now after a year that I did what H&C did: I invited my wife back into the marriage. My wife happened to accept. I didn't make it conditional. She said all the right things, has gone to counseling with me, read books, etc. However, nothing seems really to have made any huge difference. Like she is impenetrable. But because of the way I handled it, my wife has little incentive now to fix herself, meaning actual results. I have to learn, like RSEB is trying to, how to take care of and protect myself and let go of what I can not control.

Very difficult to do with the ADD.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:49 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
SisterMilkshake
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Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC_Jack ~ Do you think it is a "good" thing than to "invite" your WW back into the marriage, as H & C is doing, or do you think it may have been the wrong way?

Thanks for the info on the ADD links.

Yes, you should seek medical help, Jack, as you can't afford to lose your job over it.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:57 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister, to answer your question specifically, I think it is a "good thing". Really, it is just an invitation to reconcile if you think about it.

The core issues in my mind are how long should the invitation be good for, and what are the ramifications if it is not accepted.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, nothing seems really to have made any huge difference. Like she is impenetrable. But because of the way I handled it, my wife has little incentive now to fix herself
How could this be a good thing? It sounds like your wife is a "dry adulterer" to me. If she has no incentive to change and she hasn't it isn't a matter of "if" she cheats again it is a matter of "when" she will cheat again. imo


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't state it was a good thing...

My wife (and her sisters) suffered so much emotional abuse that the wall are high...maybe permanently.

As for being a 'dry drunk', I know for certain that cheating will not happen again. Really due to the particular circumstances of the A and the OM. What is likely is that my WW continues to blame the marriage and ultimately decides that it was 'not a good match'. Never looking in the mirror, she would just leave the M.

And that is my fear obviously, putting up so much effort only to have her say never mind. Like H&C, except I've had these potentially false promises along the way.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe it or not folks -- she's going to be THREE on Sunday!!! Wow. Time flies.

Wow M3! I was thinking about that, that St. Patrick's Day is her birthday, thus "Baby Paddy". Thank you so much for the update! You did such a good job in your description that I can realy picture her and it made me smile.

Not that it makes any real difference, but NPD and I were married in the US and our marriage is legally registered in his country too. (before he "married" OW). My legal issues are complicated and I'm also dealing with a NPD. Trying to treat him like a "normal" person doesnt' work and can actually backfire. (and I realize "normal" has a huge bell curve, but NPD is out of that )

Sister: I really don't see anything wrong with H&C's invitation, except maybe to ask her to join him in the marriage. In order to do repair the M, work needs to be done and by accepting that invitation, she must do the work.

All this talk about what men do and what women do.....
Ok, I'm nitpicking again, but perhaps "many/most men and many/most women"??

I'm a woman, and I don't like to shop. I also have great navigational skills when I'm driving and actually know if I'm driving East or West (without looking at the directional thing on the dash) I'm also a whiz at parallel parking! NPD can't find his way out of a paper bag. He gets lost in his home city and I am the one who has to tell him where to go! He loves to shop and buy clothes for himself. (part of NPD I guess)

MCJack: About ADD. You not being able to concentrate is also a sign of depression. I guess it doesn't hurt to be tested and see if there are ways for you to compensate and work around that before considering medication. DD14 has ADD, but does not need meds.

RSEB: I'm glad you were able to talk to an IC. I agree with what she said about your BH that he was withdrawing a little because he's still afraid. Working on you is all you can do now. Congratulations on your decision to go back to school.

Miracle: You are right. I need sugery too I need to remove a tumor called NPD Aside from the levity, I have to get moving. Been stuck for far too long.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest ~ I would say look at h&c's posts on pages 7, 8, and 11. Then, for no real reason that I can discern because it certainly wasn't any actions of his WW, he decides to back down on the divorce.(page 14) He has "invited" his WW back into the marriage many times. His d-day isn't recent. h&c is acting, imo, like a yo-yo on a string.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:14 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


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